Sebastian’s Revenge

Wow. So last week the comments on my recap for Nip/Tuck were pretty much even divided between those of you who loathe my take on the show, and those who like it. Most distressing of all were those of you whose comments neither stroke nor bruise my ego, suggesting that perhaps. I do, in fact, like this show. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be spending hours a wekk recapping it. But like that younger cousin everyone has who has started to go down the wrong path, I just want more for this show than to be the butt of my constant jokes. If I wanted to write a recap about a show I didn’t like you’d be reading a really scathing 7th Heaven recap every week.

All that being said, I actually enjoyed this episode immensely. I can sum up this episode by paraphrasing my best friend Carla, a devout Nip/Tuck watcher, who was also left discouraged by last season. “I kinda liked this episode of Nip/Tuck. Is that wrong?” Find out why Carla is right after the jump!

Tonight we start with some hardcore penis measuring. No, not literally, you dirty birds, but I think the fact that Sean’s brand new car is a Toyota Hybrid and Christian’s is an orange Lamborghini says something about the stick these fellas are driving. One can assume that Sean is the man comfortable with the size of his cock. I mean, does a 40 year old man driving a brand new Orange sport scar scream anything other than overcompensation? After discussing the merits of small vs. large cock, Sean hands Christian a pager informing him that baby Sebastian is going to be born any day now, and its family tradition for Christian to be there for all the McNamara children’s births. In some cases, Christian is even their for the conceptions

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As the guys enter the break room they hear Liz and Nurse Linda cackling up a storm as they are watching something on Youtube. What could it possibly be? Are we lucky enough to have a new Digital Short from Chris Parnell, oh wait, I mean Andy Sanburg? No such luck, it’s just a Christian sex video that has leaked on the internet and gone viral. Damn you, Youtube! Is it over the top and somewhat predictable that Christian’s sex video involves him with a surgical cap and stethoscope as he’s banging a naughty nurse? Yes. Does that make it any less amusing? No. Christian is aghast over his appearance on the video however, although he’s getting some pretty strong reviews, he thinks he’s a Fatty McFatfat.

Back at the homestead, Julia is anxiously awaiting the birth of baby Sebastian. She is, however, none too pleased by the fact that she is seeing some unsightly stretch marks for the first time. Each of her other demon children didn’t leave her with any markings. However, since they are both abominations, maybe this bodes well for poor little crustaceous Sebastian. Sean starts rubbing down Julia with moisturizer, and it’s supposed to be sensual, but it’s just kinda creepy to me. I don’t know why, pregnant bellies freak me out.

The happy couple begin to discuss the interview process for the Night Nurse they are going to be hiring to help them out with Sebastian. Julia questions their decision to hire some help with the baby, but Sean realizes that they don’t hand out medals to parents who stay up the night with their kids. In all fairness, Sean, if they did hand out medals for anything having to do with parenting, you’d probably be towards the end of that list, just below Britney & Kevin, but above that lady who drowned her children in the bath tub.

So what did you think is next for Christian and his flabby belly? A consultation with Sean, of course! For the first time Christian is at the other end of the “Tell me what you don’t like about yourself?” conversation. Sean isn’t all that happy about Christian’s Body Dysmorphic attitude, but calling a specimen of human perfection, is a bit much. Okay, it’s a blatant lie. Christian to drive his point to the doubtful Sean, starts circling his problem areas (DRINK). Sean takes this opportunity to make Christian’s self-hatred alllll about him and his unborn lobster baby. How can Christian lay all of this on him when his wife is about to give birth to one of the most beloved Disney characters of all time? Christian is caught off guard by the fact that there is someone else in this world other than him and his waxed eyebrows. Christian was under the impression that Sean was doing just fine, because what says I’m ready to have a handicapped child better than a Hybrid card and a cow covered car seat? Sean, not wanting to show any weakness, claims he is okay, but just stressed about all the work that still has to get done for Sebastian, and his royal guests King Triton and Prince Eric. Sean’s parting shot to Christian on the subject of his Pillsbury Doughboy body: Call your trainer.

Christian actually takes Sean’s advice and calls his trainer, but he’s too busy trying to catch his breath and staring at AC Slater to get a proper workout (DRINK). Christian’s feigns disgust at the multitude of models and actors with perfect bodies, who only have time to “work out and jerk off”. His trainer then corrects him. It seems that Mario isn’t a model, he’s a plastic surgeon. Call him, Christian 2.0.

Okay, now for this next scene, if you’re playing along with the drinking game at home just chug your beer or do a shot or finish your wine, because any scene that starts with Christian entering a shower and a slow-mo of a very fit AC Slater with water dripping off him, is definitely worth a few “Is Christian Gay?” drinks.

After time stops standing still, I hear the first words out of AC Slater’s mouth since he sang “How Am I Supposed To Live Without You,” with Jessie Spano as part of the Zack Attack’s Prom set list: “Are you looking at my dick.” Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. I didn’t think that any of the boys on Saved by the Bell were allowed to have genitalia? What? Is that so crazy? They didn’t let Kelly Capowski eat, why would they let the boys have penises? Christian isn’t checking out AC’s package, though, but rather his ass. It’s not weird, because AC knows who Christian is both from his renowned practice and his dalliance in amateur porn. AC is acting like Christian is the guy who invented wearing pizza as a hat, with such awe over the man who first mixed plastic surgery with high-end style. Christian asks about AC’s abs, but he’s all natural. He just hits the gym everyday and doesn’t eat. Sounds exactly like me. Except I eat a lot, and never go to the gym. So other than that, we’re on the same workout routine, which is why we have the same exact body. Before this should-be-way-more-awkward-than-it-is encounter ends, AC drops the worst bon mot a person of a certain age can hear: “You look great… for someone your age.” Ouch.

After Christian cleans up from his shower, he runs into Hello Kitty Jackson. Matty hasn’t been returning any of Christian’s calls. HK Jackson claims he’s been busy, but in fact just kind of thinks that Christian sucks. Christian in turn tells Matt to stay away from Kimber, officially making it a certainty that the two will end up doin’ it hardcore. The conversation ends badly, with HK Jackson telling Christian he just can’t handle having him in his life right now. Not completely unreasonable, if you ask me.

Sean and Julia are having their first round of Night Nurse interviews, and I can’t express how pleased I am that we didn’t get that montage that most shows or movies piece together involving a series of interviewees each more wacky and zany than the next. You know what I’m talking about. Maybe the exclusion of such a scene is a good sign for the rest of this season. The candidate Sean and Julia are fawning over is a mousy looking girl, who calls handicapped children, handicapable. I, obviously, immediately hate her.

The interview went well, and Monica is all but hired (pending reference check). It has started to storm outside, and since Monica’s car is in the shop, Julia offers for Sean to drive her home. First mistake Julia. Actually, first mistake was getting knocked up at the age of 40 by your estranged husband, during the midst of an ugly divorce. This is probably your second mistake, if you don’t count euthenizing that woman who you thought was your mother last season. So maybe this is top 10 material. Regardless, Sean drives Monica home, and checks out her cotton panties as she crosses her legs. The girl is very plain Jane and asks Sean what he thinks about the bump on her nose. He retorts by asking what she thinks about the bump in his pants, wink wink. Okay, he doesn’t but he does tell her he wouldn’t change a thing about her. LIAR! The both reminisce about their youth, which somehow leads to tawdry, vocal sex in a hotel. It’s always the Uggos who are crazy good in bed, you know? This plot twist does nothing for me. I mean, why? Just why? What’s Sean’s problem THIS week? It just feels so much like a “plot twist” and not an organic direction for the plot. Can’t Sean and Julia be happy for more than 3 episodes?

Sean calls Julia and makes up some lame excuse about running out of gas. Sean immediately regrets ude Law-ing his nanny, but not as much as Monica is regretting it. It seems our little Harmonica is a bit cuckoo. She bedded the last father in the family she worked for, who apparently wasn’t so nice to her. He used to tell her that she made love like an ugly girl – grateful for whatever she could get, which is so mean that it even gives nasty old Umnata a pause. Just to add a little insult to injury, Sean informs her that she didn’t get the job with his family, as it would be just too much of a cliché to actually be sleeping with the babysitter. He does however want to do something for her, since she refers to herself as a pig with lipstick on. Ouch. She’s doing such a good job making fun of herself that there’s almost nothing left for me to say. Damn you self-deprecation!

This is a big night for Nurse Linda, mostly regaled to the background, but this episode coming out with tons of lines. Someone must’ve paid the dues on their SAG card (Screen Actors Guild, not Straight Acting Gays, in case Lance Bass is reading this). Nurse Linda has walked in on Sean performing a Deviated Septum repair with no assistance. When she realizes that it’s Monica (whom Nurse Linda set up with Sean and Julia) on the table and that Sean didn’t hire her for lack of experience, she starts to get suspicious. Her suspicions are confirmed when Christian storms in puts two and two together: “You porked her!” Ugh. “Porked” is my all-time favorite euphemism for having intercourse. Thank you to Rusty Griswold for first introducing me to it.

In the break room, Liz is trying to make some Espresso, and it’s a testament to how much I’m enjoying this episode that I don’t immediately a) finish my drink and b) take the bottle drive it into my throat. I really don’t like Liz. Or maybe I’ll start playing around with calling her Lez. Sanaa Lathan strolls into the office offering to help with her the Espresso. No seriously, JUST her Espresso machine. Lez tells Sanaa that she appreciates all the upgrades, such as the Espresso Machine, and the free Peep show she got in the parking lot. Oh it should also be noted that this is the first time that we learn Sanaa Lathan’s first name is Michelle (unless I missed that in the Season Premiere). Lez decides to stick her beak in where it doesn’t belong (shock, I know) and tells Michelle that she understands what she’s going through with her confused sexual identity. Lez was also married when she got her memo about being gay. A memo, huh? How delightfully formal. Michelle says she has not idea what Lez is talking about, even after Lez explains that she spotted Michelle making out with Jacqueline Bisset the other day. Granted she couldn’t hear what they were saying over the sound of her vibrator, but Lez definitely saw Jackie B. fondle Michelle’s boobies. Lez, sees NOTHING wrong with essentially outing Michelle, and tells her that she’s here for her to talk to anytime she needs. Anyone else find this completely out of line of Lez? And obviously, Jackie B. isn’t Michelle’s girlfriend, as she didn’t look too pleased to be seeing her, and she had to give her wads of money. All the girlfriends that I pay for don’t let me call them my “girlfriend.”

Sean is at the house going nutty over the fact that he can’t put his sons’ crib together. It’s hard building lobster tanks. Monica had called Julia and passed on the job, so they are back at square one with the whole Night Nurse thing. Julia next starts getting all frisky with Sean saying that they should start having sex to induce labor. Umm, eww. Imagine sex, sex, thrust, thrust, waterbreaking, cumshot, baby? Gross. Luckily, Sean is still trying to get the stank of skank off his cock and decides against the Preggo sex.

At the office, Sean, Christian and Lez are working on a big fat guy’s surgery. Lez suggests that instead of surgery maybe this guy should’ve just stopped with the Guacamole. It’s these sorts of things that really hock me off about Lez. How can she be on such a high horse ALL THE TIME, and yet she still work at McNamara/Troy. If she’s such a talented Anesthesiologist there are tons of other places she could work, where she wouldn’t feel so ethically stifled. But she can’t go work somewhere else because then who would Christian spar with? Regardless, Christian supports Super Chubs decision to go through with surgery to better himself. This leads to a tête-à-tête between Christian and Lez over their respective physical imperfections that ends hysterically with Christian questioning Lez’s “weedy cooch” and “gunt.” There crossfire is cut short by Michelle, who has just entered a surgical room without sterilization to interrupt a major surgery by firing Lez.

Christian, Sean and Lez head into Michelle’s office (hopefully, they finished the surgery, but I wouldn’t bet on it). Lez is being fired for sexual harassment, which actually makes sense. Lez believes what she saw, and of course, is standing by her story that Michelle is a big ol’ lesbian. Michelle informs Lez that not everyone is gay. That may be true, but it’s only the 3rd episode o f the season, and it seems that everyone on this show is, in fact, gay. Michelle asks how Sean would feel if someone said that he and Christian were lovers (DRINK DRINK DRINK). Michelle finally caves, and leaves Lez on probation.

Christian has visited AC for his Lypo and it’s going rather smoothly. Guy jabbing Christian with a stick (DRINK).

Back on the interview trail, Julia and Sean are meeting with Peter Dinklage, who is one of those great actors who make every scene they are in the best scene of a television show or movie. If you haven’t seen it, check out The Station Agent to see what I mean. Or Elf. They drop the whole “handicapable” term on Pete but he just scoffs. He’s handicapped himself (the actor is a “small person” – nicer than dwarf, I think?), so he knows that shielding a child from their disability is a huge mistake. Sean informs Pete that they plan on reconstructing Sebastian’s hands upon his hatching. Pete thinks this is a terrible idea, asking them if maybe they’d want to hold their child’s hand before they change it. Wow. Deep. Sean quickly ends the interview with that statement, but before he leaves Pete imparts some advice on Julia, asking her to look into the eyes of their son and check out his soul.

The power of her child’s soul, leads to Julia’s water breaking which means an Emergency C-Section. This might be insensitive, but can’t the baby just use his claws to cut his way out? Just a thought…

Julia gives birth to a healthy, bouncing baby lobster. Okay, okay. Just to prove that I’m not totally dead inside, it is rather upsetting seeing this little baby, with the lobster hands. It’s heartbreaking in fact. Doesn’t mean I’m going to stop calling him Sebastian or stop making fun of him, it just means that I recognize the sadness of the situation.

You know who else recognizes the sadness? Annie, who promptly BUGS OUT when she sees her little brothers claw-hands. Ooooh, I feel some evil Annie stuff coming up and I couldn’t BE more excited.

Christian finally makes it to the hospital, but he’s latesky and Sean is pisstsky. Christian cops to having some lunchtime Lypo, and comments that Sebastian didn’t need him. Sean corrects him; the baby didn’t need Christian, Sean did. Aww.

So there we have it, the first good episode of the season? What’d you think?