The Carver, Part Deux!

So, yeah I suck. It’s been a hectic couple of weeks, and getting to my recaps has been harder than staying away from our teenage TVgasm Pages. But here I am now back and better than ever! Did we miss a detailed gory recount of Melissa Gilbert having sex with her dog? Yes, and I may never forgive myself for losing out on all the Michael Landon Bestiality jokes. But I suppose we’ll all have to move on… some how… some day. On the bright side, while we lost out on shitting on the memory of one of television’s most honored and adored stars, we got to see Rosie O’Donnell’s ass – something, I for one, thought I would only get to see in my wildest, dirtiest dreams. So let’s put the past behind us, and move forward. Rosie’s ass would want it that way.Christian and shady Michelle are officially a couple behind poor, old Landau’s back. So in Christian’s umpteenth forbidden love, they are laying about post-coital, as Christian asks Michelle to be with him. Aww, how sweet.

Meanwhile, Christian is meeting with the duplicitous Jackie B., Michelle’s former pimp. Yes, that’s right, Michelle used to be a whore, but not a regular whore, a high end whore, kind of like Paris Hilton. It seems that Michelle was one of Jackie B.’s best gals once upon a skanky time. Jackie B. paid for Michelle’s med school, but Michelle couldn’t continue leading the life of Vivien Ward and ditched Jackie B., incurring her wrath, thus the stalking/continuing pay-offs. Christian wants to wipe Michelle’s slate clean, but scoffs at Jackie B.’s suggestion of $500,000 price tag. Normally, he’d be willing to pay, I’m sure, but Michelle doesn’t give head, so what’s the point? Christian won’t pay.

After his meeting with the sexiest pimp this side of Wilmer Valderama (him being a pimp is the only explanation I can come up with…), Christian meets Sean at a jewelry store to pick out some engagement rings. Sean & Christian picking out engagement rings?!?!? DRINK! (you didn’t think it was over did you?). Sean, naturally, goes for the cheapest ring in the joint, because he’s a new species called the Deuchebagges Errectus. Christian, scoffs, and pulls Sean aside to remind him, quite simply, that he banged the Night Nurse. It doesn’t take Sean too long to realize that the $150,000 engagement ring is the way to go. Mmm… overcompensation…

On the way home from the store, they pass Matt on the street picking up garbage with the rest of his Scientology crazies. Christian is horrified by this. His son… helping… society… NO NO NO NO! Not on his watch!

Speaking of Hello Kitty Jackson, he heads into Kimber’s condo to get all hot and heavy… literally, cause, you know they are hanging out in a steam room. Yay, Kimber in a towel! Boo, Hello Kitty Jackson in a towel.

Kimber likes the steam, because it’s great for cleansing the soul or some such mumbo jumbo from the world of Tom Travolta or John Cruise. HK Jack is starting to show his true colors as a horny eighteen year old kid who wants to bang his dad’s porn star ex-fiancée, as he starts grilling her about the kind of man she wants in her life. Please say freakish looking Japanese animation-pedophilic music superstar hybrids!

And here she is! The moment we’ve all been waiting for… The woman who single handedly threw Star Jones into a vortex… Rosie O’Donnell! I’m not going to lie, Rosie used to be a huge guilty pleasure of mine… until she got all crazy on her talk show. And NO, by crazy I don’t mean gay, I mean crazy. Remember that haircut? And that movie where she played that retarded lady on the bus? But now she’s back, the Rosie we all know and love from the late 90′s. Come on, Exit to Eden? Genius! She’s playing a white trash lotto winner, who wants to change her appearance. She’s actually not half bad (not half good either), but she lays on her trashy accent way too thick. I mean, she’s supposed to be from Florida, not the outer boroughs of New York City. The differences between New York Trash and Florida trash may be subtle but they do exist. Not only does Dawn Fudge (great name) want a full Lypo working over, she also wants a tit job for her daughter and a bigger penis for her husband. Christmas comes early at the Fudge house!

The parental brain trust of Christian & Sean decide that the way back into HK Jackson’s life after seeing the horrible sight of him picking up litter out of the kindness of his heart, is to buy him a new car. No, not car. Porsche. Yes, that’s correct; they are trying to bribe him out of being a Scientologist. Best. Parents. Ever.

In other bribing news, Jackie B. makes it clear to Christian that $500,000 for Michelle is a non-negotiable fee, so on Friday she’ll be looking for her first $100 K installment. Christian stands firm on his, no, but Jackie B. thinks that he’ll change his mind rather quickly once he sees the incriminating photos she has obtained of him and Michelle. Ruh Roh! Christian changes his tune, and now states that he doesn’t have that kind of money liquid. Jackie B. assures him that despite being a complete sociopath, she isn’t unreasonable. First payment is reduced to $75,000 if Christian throws in a free hand job. Jackie B. then whips out her impressively girthy penis and give Christian what he’s wanted for oh so long. Okay, that doesn’t happen. By hand job, she meant literally, like a hand surgery to make her not look like she has old lady hag hands.

At the McNamara house, Sean mentions to Julia the idea of buying Matt a car (not a Porsche), Julia shoos him away, as she is much more interested in the $500 worth of phone calls to 1-900-U-CUM Sean has racked up over the past few months (remember Ms. Plum who can make you cum… in the library with the candlestick?). Sean throws himself on the mercy of the court, and Julia in yet another completely erratic swing in personality, says its okay, because she hasn’t been readily available to him over the last few months. As a matter of fact, she offers to buy him some porn to make up for it. This show is so steeped in reality I don’t know what to do with myself! Julia wins back a few points by letting Sean know that if she were to ever find out he cheated on her again, she’d leave him, without hesitation. As most men would do, Sean takes the accusation of an affair, the thinly veiled threats and the offering up of porn as a signal to propose marriage to Julia, who gladly accepts.

As Dawn Fudge is getting ready to be de-Tapioca’d she exclaims to Christian how excited she is the buy out the Max. Will the Saved by the Bell references never cease on this show? Just as I’m expecting to see Screech star in the porn that Julia has purchased for Sean, Dawn explains that she doesn’t mean Max as in the eatery but rather Maxx as in TJ. Christian, never one to miss an opportunity to be a scumbag, realizes that not only does he need the money to buy Matt’s affection via automotive bribery but also to pay off Michelle’s pimp, and Dawn has an almost limitless amount of money. Christian tells Dawn that he can suck out all the fat in her body, but there is no surgery to remove the white trash gene, which means that According to Jim will NEVER be cancelled. To Queer Eye Dawn’s appearance above and beyond Liposuction he’s going to need $75,000. DRINK!

Perhaps when Christian is finished putting the Carson Kressley on Dawn, he can work on HK Jackson, and get him to retire his vest.

Regardless, HK Jackson’s two dads are waiting for him at school with the brand new Porsche, leaving HK wondering whose turn it is for a mid-life crisis. But no! This little present is to celebrate HK’s QUARTER-life crisis. Matt isn’t so tangled up into Scientology that he can say no to a brand new Porsche. Especially when he starts fantasizing that his father is Kimber, who wants him bad. Finally, Hello Kitty Jackson’s true feelings for joining Scientology are revealed!

HK Jackson takes the car directly to Kimber’s house expecting to take her for a ride on both his meat stick and in his new car. Kimber isn’t impressed though. She sees the gift for what it really is… a big fat bribe. I can’t tell if Kimber is just crazy, or if she really and truly believes in this whole Scientology thing. And I must give credit where credit is due: the show has certainly taken a different road than I would’ve thought with the whole Scientology story. In the battle between L. Ron Hubbard’s legacy and Christian & Sean’s parenting skills, L. Ron Hubbard and his spaceships are kicking ass.

Meanwhile, Sean and Julia are planning their wedding with the bitchiest wedding planner whose name isn’t J. Lo. Sean was under the impression that Julia wanted a huge wedding. She doesn’t want a huge wedding or a nasty wedding planner telling her she needs to shed some baby weight (you see its okay Jennifer Garner). The wedding planner heads out just as HK Jackson, Kimber and some random Scientologist storm in and start packing up Matt’s things. HK Jackson may like Manga and little boys, but he DOES not like bribes. Sean promptly flips out, but there is nothing they can do; Sean is eighteen years old and can’t be held in the house against his will. He can also vote, buy porn and be drafted to war. Being 18 rules! Julia shows her Mama Bear teeth to Kimber asking her how many of these men she’s going to ruin. First Christian (because of whom she was kidnapped and mutilated) then Sean (with whom she had sex with and that’s really all) and now Matt (whom she is trying to help have a better life – supposedly) – Julia points her finger in Kimber’s face, letting her know that this is not a battle she will win. This gives Kimber the opportunity to deliver the best zinger of the night: “Nice ring. Looks like it worked on you too.” Ooh, I love seeing Kimber and Julia smack down – and not just in a dirty way.

After hours at the office, we get to see what a surgical hand job looks like, and let me tell you it isn’t as delightful as the naughty kind. There are needles and stroking and white goo – hmm… maybe it’s more similar than I realized. Regardless, as always happens when you are doing plastic surgery off the books with your forbidden love’s regal pimp, matters of the heart begin to surface. Michelle was one of Jackie B.’s best “girls” but she, too, fell for Michelle. That’s right; Jackie B. was in love with Michelle, although she’s not a lesbian. So she’s touched by the lengths Christian will go to in order to help Michelle. Here’s the new deal: After the $500 K is given Jackie B. will be out of their lives forever.

Christian needs to take another deposit out of the Dawn Fudge Bank so he heads over to her place, and let’s her know how horrible it is. She needs Christian Troy Designs! (DRINK!). As the two of them head upstairs to check out Dawn’s Dale Earnhardt shrine, they come across something only slightly more disturbing: Her daughter and her new tits riding her husbands surgically enhanced penis (don’t worry he’s Dawn’s second husband).

Sean takes another step closer to becoming the Anakin Skywalker of fathers by calling in a deprogrammer to kidnap Sean and unbrainwash him. Riiiiiiiight.

After he meets with the anti-Manchurian Candidate he heads home and overhears Julia leaving a message for HK Jackson about how horrible Sean is. But don’t worry Julia; Sean’s got everything under control. Yikes. If that’s not going to strike fear into Julia, I don’t know what is. Julia shrieks about them not being a family, and gives Sean back his engagement ring.

So when they said they were going to kidnap Matt to deprogram him, I didn’t think like full-on blackened window van and guys jumping out to snatch the kid. And it’s my own fault for underestimating this show’ ability to fly over the top. I also underestimated HK Jackson’s ability to kick some ass. He’s like Michael Jackson at the end of the Black or White Video (or Hello Kitty on crack) and is able to slip away from the men trying to “help him”.

Finally, he sneaks back into his Scientology building where the rest of his brothers in nuttiness protect him from his attackers. Side note: Why are these guys dressed like Mormons?

It seems like HK Jackson isn’t the only one with unwanted visitors, as Christian answers a knock on his door from distraught Dawn Fudge. She likes Christian’s apartment but thinks the black thing is a little gay (TEE HEE! DRINK!). This leads to an uncomfortable Indecent Proposal, of Rosie telling Christian that she wants to have sex with him for money. Sure, it’s not as gross as Demi Moore and Robert Redford (and his sandpaper face), but it’s up there. Dawn wants to teach her husband a lesson, and Christian needs the cash. So for $400,000 he’ll screw her for 10 minutes. I don’t want to be amused by the following scene, in which Dawn chats about everything from Mac & Cheese to Britney & K. Fed during the romp, but I can’t help it, it’s funny.

And it ends with this!

Dawn is still upset about her cheating husband, who used to adore her. Christian tells her like it is, saying that she’s a mean bitch, who didn’t give the people she loved what they wanted, but rather what she wanted them to want. Rosie may not be the best actress in town but she does heartbreak rather well. I genuinely feel for her, when she responds to Christian, asking why he helped her if he thinks that of her. Christian very matter of factly tells her he needed the money. Dawn Fudge has the last laugh as she tosses him a check for $400,000 telling him that skinny thighs is an easy thing to buy, but love is much more difficult. Sadly, when Dawn gets back to her McMansion, there is a note: Her husband and daughter moved back to Pensacola.

At the house, Sean of course has overreacted (kind of like when he tried to kidnap his own son), and tells Julia that he’ll be leaving after breakfast. DRAMA QUEEN! I don’t know which personality it is, but Julia tells Sean not to leave. She even admires that he is trying to do something to help Matt. She then proposes to Sean with his old wedding ring.

Jackie B. is paid in full by Christian and receives the negatives and photo of him and Michelle being naughty. However, Jackie B. is no dummy, as she then takes another set of pictures and re-blackmails Michelle back into service as a happy hooker. Say what!?!?!

Sean and Julia finally get remarried in a simple backyard ceremony. And yesssss! Annie is there. Oh evil spawn! What will you do next!?!?! I’m just waiting… I know it’s coming… I just know it. Oh by the way, Christian is there and he stares longingly at the happy couple, wishing that he was the one marrying Sean (DRINK!)

We are left with Michelle at a bar, picking up some random dude as her first client in a good long while. Next thing you know it Jackie B. is heading into a hotel room with a cooler where Michelle is waiting and the guy she picked up is unconscious. That’s right! Jackie B. is the mastermind behind the whole prostitute and black market organs ring that got the best of Lez a few weeks ago! And Michelle is one of her many accomplices! Who knew!?!?!?

So did you see that little twist coming? I certainly didn’t but I’m completely dumbed down after so many years of watching television. And is it just me or is Nip/Tuck slowly but surely washing away all of the memories of last year’s craptastic season?