No Ordinary Family: It’s Just The Pilot Episode Again

Once again, it’s time for TV’s whiniest protagonists. This is No Ordinary Family!

So after the family told basically everyone they had ever met about their new superpowers last week, now George has devoted himself full time to watching Jim jump around all over the city.

There’s a bank robbery in progress, and shockingly the guard yelling for them to drop their weapons does little. They take off in their sinister black van, and Jim confronts them in an alley a la last week. But this time his heroics don’t go as  well and they flatten him with their van in their escape. Wow, that was depressing.

How many times will we see THIS this season?

Back at the homestead, Stephanie is dashing around the kitchen making lunch. Just how many of these “wacky” uses for her superpowers will we need to endure this season? Daphne continues to be the obnoxious brat we’ve come to know and love by insulting her mother, father, and brother all in a ten-second timeframe when Jim enters and hilariously shatters a jar Steph wanted him to open. I think that instead of a plot, the writers of this show just brainstorm amusing things that would happen to people with superpowers on a mundane level. God, I’m so cynical and we’re only three minutes in.

It’s just so hilarious. I guess.

Oh, and JJ got an A on his last test. Which should serve as a strong inspiration to failing kids everywhere that all you need are superpowers to achieve academically. Waiting for Superman, in the literal sense.

Steph talks to her random sidekick Katie at work about how happy she is that now her superpowers allow her to make time for everyone without, you know, having to make time for everyone.

“Phew, I thought I was going to need to work on myself.”

They run into the now EVIL Dr. King, who reminds them how much he wants to hear about their plant. But now we know it’s probably for EVIL.

He definitely gets more sinister on a weekly basis.

After he leaves they talk about actually learning the scientific explanation for her powers and running tests and all that stuff that is traditionally acceptable when there’s AT LEAST SOME FIGHTING AND EXPLOSIONS GOING ON EVERY OTHER SCENE! Have these people ever READ a comic book?

Above: science.

At the high school, Daphne again stuffs headphones in her ears to block out what the dumbass kids around her are thinking.

Seriously? Daphne’s superpowers are effectively combated by an MP3 player?

Jim is at work sketching the guys who ran him over when some jerk cop implies that he’s a failed art student. That’s…a really random insult. Is cops having no respect for sketch artists like a stereotype that I’ve just been missing out on? And how great would a buddy cop movie be if one of them was a sketch artist? Discuss.

Detective Cho takes the sketch but can’t use it without witness info, so Jim says that he was at the scene. Cho says that he’s been at a lot of crimes lately in the most suspicious voice ever.

Steph arrives home as some random lady bitchily notes that she has made no time to volunteer at the high school with the other parents. And suddenly I know EXACTLY how this episode is going to go tonight. Seriously, when are we going to fight some real bad guys?

The villain of the suburbs.

Steph says she’ll be at that event and wants to head a PTA committee, then goes inside and cleans things. Really redefining gender roles. Then she finds clothes from Jim covered in tire tracks and confronts him about that crimefighting they agreed to put off like two seconds ago.

Then there’s the generic superhero scene where she says their powers are new and they need to be careful, but Jim feels a greater good needs them to act. YES! Now go do something! Anything! Heck, just punching Daphne in the face would be a plot development!

Jim and George have bought an old car to hit each other with, and George says some really advanced things about women not being able to hear the truth. Oh, and then he runs him over again. C’mon, Jim, please let us root for you. We want to, but you make it oh so hard.

TWICE. At least twice in one night.

Katie continues to speak for us by telling Steph how cool crimefighting is, all over a montage of Jim getting run over. And the water sample from that river is on its way.

JJ, who in one week has become the creepiest-looking kid ever, goes to the library and demands every book on trigonometry. I’d like to try that at my local library someday. I have a feeling they would just shush me and angrily point toward a computer. And that would only be after I paid my $15.25 late fee on Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies.

Seriously, he was not this funny-looking last week.

While he’s reading, Daphne wanders in.

“What am I doing here?”

She hears his crazy math thoughts and confronts him on his superpower. She then says the only reason she’s here is because it’s the only place hormonal teenagers don’t go, LOL. Then he explains his super mind. Yeah, we all get it, let’s move on.

But sadly, he says he doesn’t want to tell them it’s because of a superpower. That’s heartbreaking. Finally, this show made me feel something!

Detective Cho heads down to the bank to investigate, while some guy lurks outside. He’s on the phone with the EVIL Dr. King!

Stephanie joins all of the parents at the volunteer meeting and talks about her silent auction, at which her company will donate a private box for an evening at the symphany. and also there will be this really great fair.

Can you spot the token male?

Katie calls and says Dr. King demands an update. Prediction: Katie will be dead before episode 10. Steph has to leave the meeting and we get yet ANOTHER slo-mo of her running to get to work, just barely avoiding kids on a bike before tripping and flying down the street for like a mile. I…guess that’s bad? Sorry, I see no great importance in her rushing to work.

Jim patches up her cuts, which are healing superfast, Wolverine-style. He insists she head to bed and get some rest and says that maybe it is too dangerous to use their powers. They make an agreement very similar to the agreement they had already broken from episode 1 and then talk about feelings.

Jim goes to tell George that he needs to quit. How about we give George and Katie superpowers? THAT would be an awesome show! George says that if cops can’t do it then it’s his responsibility to bring in bad guys, but Jim plays the family card. I HATE that card! “I can’t see you tonight because my mother is sick.” “I can’t do that with you because I have a boyfriend.” Stupid people with relationships and love. I’m with you, George! Let’s go hit our best friends repeatedly with cars!

Creepy math teacher pulls equally-creepy JJ aside to talk about his grades. He says JJ must have cheated and then calls him stupid. OHHHHHH. Good educating there, buddy. JJ says something mathy. The entire conversation is SOOO dorky. He’s going to call JJ’s parents.

Katie comes to Steph’s house and tells her that the sample accidently went to Flagstaff (I assume Dr. King is already torturing whomever made the mistake) and then a storm in South America ruined the water. So Steph takes off running to Arizona. What was that, like five minutes before that was broken?

Jim gets the call from the school and sits down with JJ. JJ is pissed his dad thinks he was cheating and storms out. Daphne tells Jim what an awful father he is. I have a feeling I should copy that paragraph cause I’m going to need it for every episode from now on.

All the parenting books recommend having heart-to-hearts with your son while your surly daughter looks on.

Jim calls Steph and she confesses to using her powers, so now it’s time for ANOTHER discussion about when it’s OK to use powers. Steph says this was for the family, but Jim says that they had a deal and he stopped for her. She freaks out and leaves. Hey, and if you’re just joining us, don’t bother finishing tonight’s episode. Just go watch the Pilot again.

Very Twin Peaks-esque.

Stephanie is cleaning the kitchen and eats an entire plate of muffins. HOW FREAKING HILARIOUS. Seriously, what was the point of that?

Now Jim and Steph are talking again and it’s cutesy because she ate lots of muffins. And now Jim wants to spend time together! They’re going to the school fair! Seems like an ordinary family.

George comes by and says he helped Jim to be part of his family. Awwww. He declines his fair invitation but takes one of Jim’s sketchs.

Sinister bank lurker shows up and asks Detective Cho about the first guy she shot (nightcrawler). She says she doesn’t have time to talk and leaves. From the viewing audience to this guy and Dr. King: please, please give us a conflict.

At the fair they run into that bitch and her husband, who proceed to be really awful. Then JJ wins a stuffed bear. He banters with Daphne. I can’t believe I’m typing this.

Daphne starts hearing voices and Steph, who was randomly working a booth, comes to help her. They decide to go up in a Ferris Wheel (which for some reason magically blocks all the telepathy) and Steph gives her a talk about family coming first. And then she’s able to control her mind. Success through family! …again.

Daphne’s second arch-nemesis: Ferris Wheels (after iPods, of course).

Jim is about to throw a ball and dunk the bitch’s jerk husband, but hands it over to Steph. But then the husband and wife keep being COMPLETELY awful about Steph making all the money and she lets Jim dunk him. So it’s OK to use their powers, but only when they feel personally insulted. Write that down, everyone.

George drops off Jim’s sketch to the security guard at the bank. Kids, all you need to do to get bank guards to arrest someone is claim to be a district attorney, so feel free to try that at home. THEN A BUNCH OF PEOPLE BURST IN TO ROB THE BANK!

George somehow manages to call Jim and tells him which bank is being robbed and Steph gives Jim her blessing. The robbers abduct George (why? Shoot him or leave him!) and rush to that black van, but Jim jumps in front of them! And flips the van over! Woo! Then he runs as the  police and Cho show up.

This is the face I’ve been making all night.

She follows Jim and demands some answers, then threatens to cuff him! I hope to God Jim reveals his powers and then they’re forced to work together in a laugh-a-minute buddy cop farce!

I’m at least partially right: Jim lifts the back of his van for her but she only backs away in shock, then gives him an immediate moral judgement about him being a vigilante. She must be a really hardened detective, because my response would have been, “That’s AWESOME!” He says something dramatic about them not being able to catch these criminals without him and then heads inside. Could we finally be getting this show started?

JJ is on the couch and Jim apologizes for not believing in him. Jeez, having Stephen Collins here has made this Seventh Heaven 2.0. JJ takes the apology but doesn’t come clean. Next up on the sappy family tour, Steph says she’ll try to understand if this is something he needs to do. But she doesn’t trust what’s happened to them and still wants to cure it. Prediction #2: That will be a big deal in episode 20.

Daphne removes the headphones and finds she can control the thought-listening. JJ gets a B- on his next test and his douchebag teacher tells him that’s still too smart. Wishful thinking #1: Jim will rip off each of his limbs.

Over at the lab, Steph and Katie learn that the water is just water. I’m telling you, mysterious shady figure before the crash!!

Over at Cho’s she arrives home to find the shady lurker. He uses telekinesis (!) to suspend her in the air and question her. Cho admits no one else knew, so then he raises her gun and ends her awful acting once and for all while casually strolling out the door and reporting the success to Dr. King.

DAMN! I did not expect Cho, who’s superpower was apparently attending the Alicia Silverstone School of Dramatics, to bow out so quickly! What do we think about the ending? And the show? Because honestly, I think it got worse.