No Ordinary Family: Wedding Crashers

Good news: Not just the pilot repeated. Bad news: All new crap.

Tonight we open on Jim hitting baseballs into the ocean, a la Kramer in The Marine Biologist.

I could be watching this right now. Damn you, ABC.

George shows up and says this is the place where Jim always came when he had stuff on his mind. He laughs about how now he can hit the balls OVER the ocean instead of into them. Yeah, have they considered where those bad boys are probably landing? Sorry, deep sea science party, I’m afraid it’s raining fastballs.

Also, which ocean is that? I thought they were in the Midwest or something? Eh, what do I care? Oh, God, episode 3 and I already have plot apathy.

Jim is sad (SHOCKER) not just because of all of the things that were introduced two weeks ago and then mind-numbingly reviewed last week but also because Detective Cho was found dead. It’s odd he called her “my only friend at the police station,” because didn’t she basically treat him like it was a huge burden to have a no-good sketch artist hanging around all the time?

George reminds him he has an important appointment and he takes off jumping, then falls off a building. Then goes around the corner to get to the tuxedo shop! Get it? His appointment was of a mundane nature, thus hilariously contrasting with his superhuman powers! Good GRIEF this is going to be a long season.

The newly-tuxedoed Jim arrives at some fancy dinner, and the whole (no ordinary) family is there! Plain, whiny, and boring! I had specific characters in mind for each of those descriptions at first, but now I’m realizing you can really mix and match at your leisure.

A coversation rich in plot expostion reveals that this is a wedding reception, and Jim missed the wedding. Is this supposed to be the same day that he went to get the tux? Because aren’t you supposed to pick up your tux like a week before you need it? So are we to assume he was late to the Tuxedo Store and then ALSO late to the wedding on a seperate day? Or am I wrong and you do pick up tuxes the day of? WHY IN THE WORLD IS WEDDING ETTIQUETTE THE MOST INTERESTING THING HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?

Daphne says something sassy, the bride thanks Jim and Steph for being such marriage role models, and suddenly Steph wants Jim to dance with her. So…we’re not mad at him for being late anymore? Oh, and then the lights all go out.

“It’s ABC: They finally realized how bad our show is!”

And then a bunch of guys with guns come in and demand jewelry! Normally this would excite me as plot development, but here’s why it doesn’t: We already know exactly where this is going to lead. Jim will try, and fail, to stop them. He and Steph will have excruciatingly long conversations about personal welfare vs. greater good, he will do the opposite of whatever they decide, he will foil the villains at a later heist. Watch it happen.

So the bad guys wander around asking everyone to empty their wallets (which is sort of what I feel like this show does to me and my time on a weekly basis), and when Jim tries to act Steph tells him it’s too dangerous for those around them. She reluctantly gives up her wedding ring. But as soon as the crooks leave, Jim pursues. Man, if I could be sure there was no open bar, I’d say this is the worst wedding ever.

But unfortuneatly they don’t try to hit him with a car, which we determined last week was Jim’s one and only specialty. So he fails miserably at jumping at them as the ascend a wall. He’s got like that video game mindset wherein if you’re not sure what to do, you just jump around in any given situation.

Back at home the next day (and not, I don’t know, AFTER THE GUNPOINT ROBBERY), JJ asks where he went and Steph jumps in (LOL) to say Jim called the cops and didn’t use his powers because that’s too dangerous. Aaaaand cue the discussion about Jim putting himself in danger. Jim is hurt, Steph is practical. Blah blah blah.

JJ gets another B+ at school, which for some reason totally turns on this girl sitting next to him. She wants to study with him Friday night. Yeah, that’s what they’re calling it these days…

Actually, with this kid maybe she DOES just mean study.

Daphne is blackmailing JJ to get her homework done also. Oh, Daphne, you little manipulative bitch. Is it awful that she’s still my favorite character? The bar is pretty low. Oh, and she reads some girl’s mind who really wants to hang out with her. FORESHADOWING.

Sidekick Katie is rubbing in that Steph lost her ring, and then they do my favorite part of the show where they’re wearing lab coats and surrounded by science and they randomly encounter a sinister-looking Rev. Camden/Dr. King. I don’t know why I enjoy this weekly ritual so much, but you take your pleasure where you can get it on No Ordinary Family. This week he’s here to give them more funding for the plant research, but they’re also putting an incurance policy on Steph. But the troubling part to Stephanie is not the horror she should feel when someone as clearly evil as Dr. King puts an insurance policy on you. She’s worried about them drawing her blood at the physical and finding out she’s a superhero. Finally, a normal identity protection issue we comic book lovers can get behind.

Jim is STILL pissed he doesn’t so anything, and George tells him he needs a secret identity. YES! George says lying every day is just like being a lawyer (LOL) and now they’re going to go crash more weddings and find those bad guys. Or at least pick up some chicks.

Daphne’s friend Megan is thinking about how sad she is about her parents’ seperation, and Daphne totally blows it by not being subtle. Megan calls her on it and bails. Good work there, Daphne. And yet she remains my favorite character. When Steph and Jim come home and Daphne says she wants to tell her friends, they try to dissuade her but she correctly points out that they both told like everyone they know, then does a cool teen stomp-out.

Another family meeting. Jim and Steph have decided that the kids can talk to George and Steph, but that’s turning out as lame as it sounds. Daphne correctly deconstructs the problems with this, but the parents won’t let her tell anyone else. I…guess this is a good child/parent relations metaphor? But not veiled enough if I’m still bored to death by it.

Keep doing my job for me, Daph. Also, screw you Greg Berlanti.

JJ goes to Daphne after the meeting and asks her to read Sara (dorky math girl) and find out if she likes him. Yeah, yeah, they’re not an ordinary family. I can’t even pretend to be delighted anymore.

Steph goes to Dr. King and begs him to drop the insurance physical, but Dr. King says something about them already having her blood sample. Turns out Katie took the physical for her, which she explains with a delightful Merly Streep Sophie’s Choice analogy. Katie might also be my favorite character, but I can tell the producers really want me to like her and so I am resisting out of spite. Steph reminds her dumbass sidekick that they already have her blood on file so if they compare the two, they both get fired. I’m just DYING to see how they’ll work running really fast into this one.

Daphne does the fake run-in/mind sweep of Sara like a good sister and finds out she just wants to use him for academia and doesn’t like him at all. Ladies and gentleman, the only real character we have met thus far.

There’s no way Daphne should look so shocked. I’m sure she’s done the same thing at least half a dozen times.

Jim and George are at another high-end wedding, posing as one of the groom’s friends from medical school. Kids, wedding crashing is not as glamorous as the movies tell us it is.

I don’t remember Owen and Vince looking quite so shifty.

There’s some hilarious dancing, and then they run into Pete! What a plot twist! They bluff until all the lights go out again and Jim sees a guy with what he assumes is a knife. He tackles him into the cake, but the Laws of Wedding/Robbery Hilarity state that he was just trying to cut the cake and Jim has ruined the wedding forever. How easy would it be for this to be a half-hour show?

So back at the house George wants to teach Jim how to dance. I can’t believe this is happening.

Greg Berlanti: Hmm, how can we fill another twenty minutes right in the middle?

If the result sounds like it might be funny to you, given the inevitable “Jim looks goofy and accidently breaks something conclusion,” please close your web browser now. There’s nothing else I can do.

It’s Oceans 11 time for Steph and Katie, who are currently planning a break-in of their own to steal back the blood sample.

“We’re going to need some fake mustaches and George Clooney.”

They determine that they need to steal a keycard from someone else. “But who else has CODE BLACK access?” wonders Steph?

Ahh, yeah. I knew we weren’t done with this bitch.

Yes, Katie pretends she wants to help Skeptical Guy and he starts babbling about whatever during which Steph runs through and swipes the card. Ok, I will acknowledge that they did manage to work running really fast into their heist plans.

Daphne is talking to George about JJ’s girl, who suggests she not tell him about Sara being a bitch. He actually has a pretty good answer about breaking it to JJ gently. Then when she questions him spending so much time with Jim, he gets all shady and bails. Man, subtlety is NOT a characteristic found on this show.

Daphne tells JJ he isn’t her type. Because he isn’t Jewish. LOL. Please please please be going where I think you’re going with this, show.

Thanks for throwing me that bone, Greg.

Jim sees Steph off for her heist, then has a chat with Daphne. But while he’s talking he gets a call from George for another wedding. Daphne reads his mind and finds out he’s going to a random hotel (hehe Jim + George), then takes off.

Steph and Katie meet up in their best caper clothes, which Katie admits is silly. Damnit, I want to love her so much. The plan is to switch Katie’s blood with some of Steph’s old blood. And just running really fast and not stopping. What follows is the first actually cool special effects sequence of the series, with Steph running through the complex to switch the blood.

JJ is studying with Sara and wearing a Hebrew necklace, and then conveniently finds some Biblic poetry and makes a big deal of his Jewish dinner thing he’s doing later. Sara is understandably weirded out and bails. And that’s definitely not kosher with JJ (rimshot).

Jim and George are at another wedding and there’s more dancing (sigh) when the lights go out again and the robbers show up. The caterers are here with the bill! Hey-oh! No, it’s actually guys with guns who want jewelry. Jim takes down one and then gets plugged in the chest many times, but still looks surprised when he isn’t hurt. Dude, you’re a superhero! Stop being shocked every time something like this happens!

Good luck getting your deposit back.

They run and Jim chases after, where he sees Daphne in the lobby. He tells her he’ll be back, then runs outside. And this time not only does he make the leap to the top of the building, he totally hurls one of the robbers to the ground. Wow, that was pretty brutal. Good for you, Jim.

When he gets home, Daphne is pissed he lied to her. And Steph is also pissed, for some reason. There’s yet another conversation about Daphne being upset her parents aren’t honest and she can’t count on them and she doesn’t want to keep secrets anymore. “You can stop bullets, dad? Try stoping me,” she intones. Best line ever.

Megan is randomly sitting on her porch and being sad.

“I hope none of my friends show up with giant revelations.”

Daphne starts to tell her, but then we cut away. WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED?

George calls Jim down to the station and says they have no case against the guy who fell like thirty stories and is apparently still alive. Jim is super pissed, but then they found Steph’s ring there and so Jim is better. It’s OK that the robbers got away because Jim got what he personally wanted, and all because it just happened to be the one piece of jewelry left at the scene and George felt comfortable obstructing justice and tamporing with evidence to get it.

JJ confronts Daphne and she says she just wanted to protect him, but he quotes the Bible a lot and leaves. Daphne then tells Jim she told Megan she overheard her mom talking about the divorce, so Megan still doesn’t know the truth. How is this not a daytime soap opera? Because my recap reads exactly like one.

Oh, man, but it’s about to get good. Dr King calls Skeptical Guy into the office and tells him to sit down. You’re about to die for being such an ass that one random day, buddy.

Oh, but Dr. King is really reasonable and attributes it to a glitch in security. Damn, I thought he was going to hit a button and Skeptical Guy’s chair would drop into a lava pit or something. But then he notices the flicker as the blood vial changes. Nice going, Steph.

“What a lovely evening for a stroll, without any supervillains plotting my demise.”

Jim takes her to a romantic dinner on some rooftop, then presents her with the ring. Man, even if they weren’t married, he would so be getting laid tonight. They continue to be mushy and cute and boring.

And that’s the ending? I’m going to be blunt, this is the worst show I’ve watched in the last five years. Anyone still hanging with it who wants to defend it?