NYC Prep Episode 2: The Crypt Keeper

What do you get when you mix “Gossip Girl”, “Twilight” and “The Real Housewives of NYC” ? NYC Prep. Join me while we get a glimpse into the super-glamorous life of ghoulish teens who spend more money than we make in a year all the while complaining about their lack of love and relationships. This show illustrates the reason some animals eat their young.

Warning: Watch out for rich kids inviting you to dinner. You might end up being dessert.

It’s lunchtime as we join Jessie and PC who have risen from their respective mausoleums and are gorging on food like they haven’t eaten since the night they were chased by villagers with torches and axes. Be careful and watch your hands while these two are feeding or you may lose a finger or two.

In between bites and burps they talk about how much more mature and grownup they are than the rest of the kids they know. Especially kids that don’t go to private schools. While she’s busy putting people down, Jessie is sporting a very ugly fake fur vest. If she were shorter with a mustache she would look exactly like Sonny Bono.

PC tells Jessie about his dinner with Kelli and Camille because he likes to torture Jessie. Jessie is jealous and still has feelings for PC, which is amazing since she’s been dead for over 50 years. She’s been trying to get PC to sleep in her coffin with her instead of the closet where he normally sleeps.

PC takes great pride in telling Jessie that Kelli and Camille said she’s a bitch. But just so PC doesn’t push Jessie too far, he says he felt like he was baby-sitting Kelli and Camille during their dinner because they are so young. PC is 1 year older than Camille and 2 years older than Kelli. Teen years are kind of like dog years, so I guess he has a point.

Jessie tells PC she doesn’t care about his dating other girls because he is not her boyfriend. But just to make sure he doesn’t continue his relationship with these girls, she asks if he will ever go to dinner with Kelli and Camille again. PC says no, but we know if he really wants to push her buttons, he’ll go out with Kelli, Camille,Taylor, Taylor’s Mom, a democrat, a poor person and anyone else Jessie hates just so he can twist that knife of disappointment even deeper into the space that was Jessie’s heart.

Please don’t be sad because Jessie doesn’t have a heart. She can’t see where she put it due to her wonky eye. Did you ever notice that when she talks, one eye is focused and the other looks like it’s chasing a squirrel? Just saying.

PC continues to talk about Jessie’s rude behavior to illustrate how bitchy she was to Kelli and Camille. PC calls Jessie a bitch one too many times and Jessie gets down to actually bitch-slapping PC. She says he called her a bitch over and over and she reacted. If she wasn’t so busy eating she might have gone for a gun or wooden stake. Besides, it appears that PC likes being slapped. I’m guessing this isn’t his first time.

Next we catch up with Taylor the public school girl. She is vintage shopping with two of her school friends, in other words, not private school kids. Taylor says she can’t see Sebastian in a thrift store and then she casually mentions that Cole, her ex-boyfriend is not completely out of the picture. That’s code for I have a boyfriend, but Sebastian is a new guy with money and we are on the same reality TV show so I’m going to go out with him too.

Meanwhile in another part of town, Sebastian and Kelli sitting on a park bench together. Kelli is very happy to be alone with Sebastian, she thinks he’s worth getting out of the casket early in the day instead of waiting until sun down. Sebastian is a Zac Efron wannabe whose hair is practically the seventh cast member on this rotting corpse of a show.

Kelli is giggling and gushing because Sebastian brought her cupcakes. She pees in her pants she is so happy at this gesture. When a boy brings you food it’s the first step on the road to a very intimate moment for our girl Kelli. She might even let herself digest this food instead of yakking it up in the nearest restroom.

With her sugar high hitting it’s peak, Kelli asks Sebastian if he has plans for later on in the day. Sebastian who sports a “Blagojevich” hairdo says he is having dinner with Taylor at a French restaurant.

This completely ruins Kelli’s sugar buzz. She says she doesn’t understand how someone can bring her cupcakes and act like he’s with her and then take Taylor out to dinner. I think Kelli is mistaking a cupcake for an engagement ring. They are both round so I can see how she got confused. Poor girl, a cupcake does not an engagement make. He does want to get in your pants though. He wants to get in everyone’s pants.

Is Kelli the only person who thinks Sebastian is not stringing her a long? Yup.

We leave the park and meet up with PC who is going to see his therapist and has invited us all along for the trip. Peter Carey (PC’s real name) is all dressed up for his session with his therapist Audrey. Audrey’s “office” seems very ornate. Not many therapists have a baby grand piano in the room. Not to mention the chaise lounge.

PC tells Audrey it’s hard to let people get close and connect with him. He also tells her that he could care less about the things he is learning in school, but he gets his work done. The more he talks, the more I wish his therapist would give him electroshock therapy or full lobotomy.

Therapist Audrey tells PC that he is a young man with very deep feelings. PC has deep feelings but that’s a relative scale. Deep for PC is like skipping a rock across a pond for the rest of the world.

PC says he likes to be in control and that he is surrounded all day with a bunch of girls who cry because they lost their eyeliner. Lost? More than likely PC is “borrowing” their eyeliner for a night on the town. They make his eyes look dark and brooding, which is the look he wants to achieve for evening, something like a cross between vampire and the front man for Green Day.

PC and his therapist come to the conclusion that he is a fast study and somewhat intolerant of others. I bet that cost several hundred if not thousands of dollars to find out he’s an impatient jerk. All the people that know him could have told him that tidbit of info for free. But like PC says, every kid in NYC goes to a therapist. It’s all part of the mystique of the Prep School Life.

We’ve waited and waited for this moment, Sebastian and Taylor are out on their date at a French restaurant. Sebastian speaks fluent French and as a surprise, Taylor learned a little French from a friend. Sebastian is not happy, speaking French is his thing, not some public school tart who actually studies to learn it!

He is disgusted that anyone would try to steal his thunder. Sebastard wonders if Taylor will be sporting a Blagojevich hairstyle next time they see one another. He will have to dump her if that happens. After all, one guy with that hair is sexy, two people with that hair is so last year.

Seb asks Taylor what book she is reading and she says it’s a book about a bunch (100) of philosophers. She tells Seb that she wants to be a philosopher. He didn’t know that was a job. I don’t think it’s a job either, but Taylor says she’ll write books so she can get paid.

Here’s is an excerpt from the upcoming philosophy book
“I Think” by Taylor.

Thought for the day:
(sounds of crickets chirping)

Taylor might have to rethink her career plans, or maybe include naked pictures of herself to help boost sales.

Sebastian and Taylor leave the restaurant and kiss goodnight. Taylor says she is attracted to Sebastian and that she likes his hair. It’s good that she likes his hair. It’s been flying all over the table since they sat down and was probably in their drinks and their food. Next time, she should ask him to wear a hair net so she can eat food with him and not cough up a hairball the next day.

PC is still trying to find someone to have a connection with so he is going out to meet with his ex-girlfriend Amanda. Not to be confused by his other ex Jessie who wants to go from ex to current as quickly as possible.

PC asks Amanda if he did anything wrong while they were going out. Amanda very kindly tells him she doesn’t want to get into that. She’s not just being polite, it’s because there is not enough time during drinks to list all of the stupid shit he pulled while they dated.

Amanda tells PC he needs to get more comfortable with himself. She also says their relationship was the most unconventional one she’s had. That’s code for “you’re such an a**hole, I can’t believe I dated you more than once and I want my eyeliner back!”

PC says everyone in the UES is a pompous ass and that he wants to get away from all of that. I guess that means he has a lot of self-loathing. He says he is not going to find someone to date in his circle. Everyone’s parents being the CEO of some company, it’s just ridiculous. Plus all that inbreeding is really starting to show.

We leave PC and go over to Jessie who is shopping again and doing her part to stimulate the economy. Of course, she’s really shopping to compensate for her miserable personality and lonely life. It’s hard to be the Crypt Keeper Stepmother from Hell, no one shows her the respect she deserves.

Today she’s at the Blue & Cream boutique. She is pulling clothes for the Operation Smile charity fashion show. Jessie is the co-chair of the Junior Committee and has a lot of work to do. PC is supposed to meet her here to help her pull clothes for the male models.

Jessie calls PC over and over again and does not get an answer. She manages to get things for the fashion show with the help of the sales staff. When PC finally shows up an hour late she tells him she is busy and that she doesn’t have time for him. This is just Jessie blowing smoke, she can not resist PC since the whole drinking blood thing they did when they dated. He agrees to help Jessie, but also does some shopping for himself while he is there.

Still searching for answers PC goes to see another friend, Sarah. He wants to know why he can’t find someone to have a relationship with. PC’s problem is that he is “Lookin’ For Love In All The Wrong Places”. He could find someone if he could just get out of his big giant closet where he spends most of his time trying on new outfits to impress the masses.

PC tells Sarah that he is ready to meet someone, but he wants something more tasteful than the casual sex that runs rampant in the prep school scene. He wants a connection and preferably with someone who is about the same size he is so he can double his wardrobe.

Exhausted from listening to the immature babbling of less mature people, PC goes back into his closet to get some rest. He likes his closet, it’s better than lying in a coffin like the crypt keeper and her stepdaughters. In his closet PC feels safe and is surrounded by love, the love of his clothes.

And just what do the evil stepsisters do when they are not chasing Sebastian and Taylor? We find Camilla ( I just have to change her name to Camilla ) and Kelli at a spa relaxing from their very busy daily lives. As they are pampered Kelli tells Camilla about her date with Sebastian. She is a giggling mess telling Camilla how he brought cupcakes and they are her favorites, but then she found out he was going out with Taylor later that night. He is sending mixed messages and Kelli doesn’t know what to think.

Kelli doesn’t know that Sebastian is not going to commit to one girl for longer than the length of one date or at least long enough for her to get her pants back on. She still thinks there is a chance that they can have a relationship.

Kelli is fixated on last night’s date between Sebastian and Taylor. Kelli has to know what happened. Was it was just a one time thing? This girl is obsessed. I think this is how stalkers start.

So Camilla and Kelli call Sebastian and grill him about the date. Sebastian tells them that they had a nice time and that he kissed her at the end of the date. Kelli says she’s frustrated because she “thinks” Sebastian is a player. Kelli is not stupid. What am I saying? Yes she is.

Back to Jessie the scary girl, the Crypt Keeper/Stepmother of this group. Jessie is visiting her friend Zoe who lives in a loft. They are friends because “they bonded over their love of fashion”. Actually Zoe is just one of the many minions Jessie recruits for fresh blood. Zoe is having a party and informs Jessie that she invited more guys than girls. It’s good to make the odds better, they might just find someone who likes the undead.

We rejoin the evil stepsisters Camilla and Kelli who are shopping with Taylor as a cover for their investigation. Taylor is invited for two reasons, one so they can rub her face in the fact that she doesn’t have as much money as they do and two so Kelli can see if Taylor “just likes” Sebastian or if she “like likes” Sebastian.

Camilla observes that Taylor might be overwhelmed by the whole private school world. I don’t think Taylor is overwhelmed with the private school kids. I think Taylor is tired of being accosted by the evil stepsisters who just got out of their coffins. She doesn’t realize they might be looking for a vein so they can have a snack.

Kelli asks Taylor did you have good conversations? and did anything happen after dinner? Camilla narrows it down for Taylor and says “you know something around the facial area”.

The evil stepsisters break Taylor’s will and she finally admits that she and Sebastard kissed at the end of the date. The stepsisters are satisfied and release Taylor back into the wild so she can return to the public school from whence she came. But before Taylor has a chance to make a run for it, Kelli and Camilla invite her to Zoe’s party. Kelli wants to see how Taylor and Sebastard act together since their kiss. So Kelli is not just a stalker, she is also a masochist. Who wants to see their crush getting all worked up over another girl? Kelli does.

In another part of town, Sebastian is getting ready for Zoe’s party by trying on overpriced footwear. He’s sporting a pair of $345 Nike’s. He’s excited about the party because he thinks it will be the first time that Kelli and Taylor have been together since his dinner date with Taylor. If only he could save Taylor from the ugly stepsisters. But he can’t, not even in $345 Nikes.

And the big climax of this show of horrors, Zoe’s party finally arrives.The party is going full strength. There is a DJ and a guy at the door checking a list. It must be easy to get into this party, everyone that was invited asked two or more people to come with.

Jessie is at Zoe’s party, where PC is notably absent, so she calls him. PC tells her he’s on “Blind Date” and he is at the restaurant waiting for his date. He tells Jessie that he’s nervous. Jessie says she hopes it goes well and after she hangs up, she says she’s not worried because PC “is a grown man”. Jessie has issues, a lot of them if she thinks PC is a grown man.

Kelli arrives at the party and greets Jessie, but Jessie blows her off. Jessie says she doesn’t know why Kelly and Camilla think they can call her a bitch and then think she will just talk to them. Camilla says she doesn’t know why Jessie was being so bitchy, again. But Camilla says it’s “social suicide” to cross Jessie because she needs her help to get involved with Operation Smile. She needs to do charity work to improve her chances of getting into Harvard. Plus she likes her spot in the mausoleum and doesn’t want to lose it.

Just a thought Camilla, pick another charity. A lot of good causes need help and you wouldn’t have to do any sucking up to a crazy girl with a wonky eye. Camilla has trouble breaking away from Jessie, the self appointed sinister stepmother of these two cackling stepsisters from Hell. I wonder who’s blood you have to drink to get into this prep school scene?

Sebastian and his hair arrive at the party together, for now. In the future Sebastian’s hair will be more flexible and can stay at home if it is tired from being flipped around over and over again. Sebastian gives Kelli a big hug after she runs across the room and jumps on him. Whenever a stalker spots her prey, she can not resist.

Kelli says she is is relieved to see him and that she loves hanging out with him. So they all sit down on the closed casket that Jessie will crawl into just before dawn. From left to right we have Camille, Sebastian, Lindsey and Kelli. Lindsey just snuck in right next to Sebastian and Kelli is once again forced to sit close to Sebastian, but not close enough.

Sebastian doesn’t miss a chance to put Camilla in her place. This is something Taylor would dare not do.

Without wasting too much time, Sebastian asks for Lindsey’s phone number. Kelli observes this but doesn’t budge. She is still thinks that Sebastard is not a player. God, would someone just shake this girl or slap her a few times and bring her back to reality.

Kelli’s humiliation tour of the UES continues as Taylor arrives at the party. She comes in and sits next to Sebastian. They begin to talk and inexplicably Kelli gets all teary eyed, well almost teary eyed. The dead can’t cry. Kelli tells Camilla that she has to go and she practically sprints out of the party in tears. All this over Hair Man.

PC’s date is a no show so he calls Jessie to tell her that he was stood up and that he feels like this was a slap in his face. PC knows how a slap in the face feels from Jessie and probably hundreds of other girls. PC goes home and back to the safety of his closet to regroup and change clothes for his next outing into UES society.

Meanwhile at Zoe’s party, Taylor is sitting with Sebastian when suddenly in walks….Cole. Cole is Taylor’s ex, who is not really an ex. He sits on the other side of Taylor. So Taylor has Sebastian to her left and Cole to her right.

Apparently the conversation with Taylor did not go well for Cole, he leaves before he even got his coat off his back. Sebastian and Taylor are free to enjoy the party without Kelli and without Cole. Taylor tells Sebastian she likes him more than she likes Cole.

Walking home after the party, Taylor and Sebastian share a long goodnight kiss just before she returns to her attic on the upper west side. There in her hovel, she can dream of her night with Sebastard and the rest of the UES vampires.

Kelli and Camilla climb back into their coffins and Jessie the crypt keeper watches out over all of NYC keeping the freshman and gossip Girls’ staff off of her street. She is satisfied that no one is getting away with anything, at least not on her watch.

Until next week Gasmii,

TVannie