The body is cold, but the story must go on. Besides, a little bad smell never hurt anyone did it? Whatever you do, don’t fall asleep or you’ll become the next cast member in this macabre tale.
This week the undead Preppies enjoy the winter holidays. One goes to Palm Beach, one goes to Cancun, one has a stylist help her clean out her closet, one has a date with Sebastard and one visits a pet cemetery. All around the country people are celebrating the winter holidays with their families and attending religious services and keeping traditions alive. But at NYC Prep, there are no living cast mates and no traditions other than All Hallows Eve.
Don’t fall asleep, that’s when they attack.
PC and Zoe are visiting Jessie and discussing the upcoming winter holidays. PC is off to Mexico with his friend JP. He really doesn’t want to stay in NYC for the holidays, in his usual sarcastic tone he tells us that no one stays in NYC during the holidays. The really fabulous people go south where the air is warm and people wear less clothes so you can bite them easier. PC is tired of people following him around NYC and screaming “NOT ONE OF US!!”. He needs to get out of town, out of his closet and away from the Queen of the Damned Jessie.
Will you please stop doing that? I’m going to Mexico.
Jessie is going to Palm Beach because that’s where she always goes on vacation. They both say they will just “chill”. Chilling is great for the undead, they keep better in cooler temps and their limbs and skin tend to stay intact. Before air conditioning was installed in homes, Florida was not a place for the young and the undead. But now with all the climate control our undead freaks can go to sunny FLA , hot Mexico and any other sunny destination they desire.
I’m going to Palm Beach for a vacation far away from all my work in NYC. For God’s sake I just had to go and tell the housekeeper to walk the dog!! I need my rest!!
Back in NYC, Camilla is shopping with Taylor for a chocolate coffee blend to give as a gift to someone in her family because they all love it. This sounds like a shitty gift from someone in the top 1/2% of wealth in NYC. This must be why her family stays so rich.
Camilla is also trying to get info from Taylor on whether or not she is dating Sebastard. Camilla says Sebastian is a good person. Taylor says she doesn’t know whether she likes Cole or Sebastard the best. It’s hard to use your brain when there is no blood and oxygen in your body anymore. She is just so confused. She tosses her hair around a lot so we can see how shiny it is. She better tone down the hair toss thing or Sebastard will drop her as fast as a girl with cold sores.
Taylor is perfecting her own version of the hair flip to surprise Sebastard. If only she knew that this will just make him angry, like when she spoke French back to him. This girl needs to stop trying to steal Sebastard’s spotlight.
Taylor says that she wants to marry rich and to that end, Sebastard is the better choice but she is not really sure which of them she likes best. Don’t worry Taylor, that nasty little conscience thing is almost as dead as your heart. Soon you’ll be able to date and marry without feeling a thing, just like the evil undead stepsisters Camilla and Kelli.
Taylor asks Camilla what’s going on with Kelli and Sebastard? Camilla says she knows he bought her cupcakes, but that doesn’t mean he’s in love or anything. Taylor thinks Kelli is kind of secretive. Secretive? She’s on TV, how secretive can she be except when she’s yakking up her dinner in the ladies room?
I don’t have any secrets, who said I did? tell me! who said it? I want names!
Camilla tells Taylor not to worry, she’s good at finding out gossip. She asks Taylor “what if you, Cole, Kelli and Sebastian go out together? Now that would be fun.” Taylor does a poor imitation of a laugh. She is faking it because she does not see the humor in having dinner with Sebastian and Cole together. Camilla is laughing her ass off at the thought of humiliating 4 people at the same party.
I love to torture people. I’ll throw a dinner party and invite you, Kelli, Cole and Sebastian. It will be hilarious, you’ll see. This is how rich people entertain themselves.
The set-up for Camilla’s dinner party is even more predictable than Theresa’s whole table tipping incident. Smooth move Bravo, no one could guess what happens at that dinner party, especially since we’ve been seeing clips of the party since the preview show.
Kelli our little independent girl living off her parents’ bucks in the city, goes out to the Hamptons to visit her family for the holidays. It looks like it’s difficult for Kelli to crawl out of her coffin during the day. I’d say she needs to get some sun, but it just melts her flesh. Maybe we should send her to get spray tanned somewhere so she looks more like one of the living. At Kelli’s parent’s mansion we get to meet her sister Chelsea and we get to see her Mom and Dad again and their cute little dog Lily.
Kelli is having lunch with her family. It’s hard for her to spend a day with the living and sunlight.
Kelli invited Sebastard out to her house to visit. Sebastian arrives and tells Kelli that her house is like a
mausoleum sorry, I meant museum. Kelli and Sebastard try to play pool, but it’s clear that Sebastard is terrible. After just a few minutes, Kelli says she is really bored and I am too.
Kelli should know that Sebastard hates pool is because he can’t flip his hair and hold a pool cue at the same time. As a matter of fact, he isn’t good at anything that interferes with his hair flips.
I need to always have one free hand to do my hair flip. That’s why I like being on bottom.
While Sebastard is there, Elyse comes to say hi and brings Lily the little dog with her. After Elyse leaves Kelli tells Sebastard that the dog is so cute and has 2 herniated discs, but that’s not what makes her cute. She gets acupuncture and also takes steroids, the dog, not Kelli. We leave the empty shell of Kelli’s life and go down to Mexico to see how PC is enjoying his vacation from his crazy busy NYC life. Don’t worry nothing will happen while we visit PC, Kelli only gets out of the coffin if the cameras or Sebastard are in her home.
Down in Mexico where the happy people go just as soon as they get out of the closet, PC meets up with his friend JP who lives in Mexico and is one of his best friends from boarding school. I just knew at some point one of them would talk about boarding school. I can just see them in their little blazers and short pants wearing little shoes and matching caps.
AJ poses while waiting for PC. Guy’s with initials instead of names are way cool.
JP lives in Mexico now and PC says they have so much fun together and that JP is like the brother he never had. Then JP says “doesn’t your Mom hate me? I was half naked on your bed and she opened the door and said “Peter Cary!” Then you said “oh no Mom, please”.
Seriously, don’t worry, Mom’s cool with that now.
PC admits he doesn’t know many Mexicans in NYC except delivery men. He says when he told his friends “I’m seeing my friend in Mexico, they’re all like ewwwwww a Mexican.” I always tell them that you’re like the most beautiful Mexican ever. You’re really tall and ….I’m digging a hole here.” Oh PC, you didn’t dig a hole, that’s what you hired someone to do for you. But yes, you did make a huge ass of yourself.
PC is not only a pompous, blood sucking, undead, ass of a person in a closet, he’s also a bigot. That makes him even less attractive than he was already. I’m sure Queen of the Damned Jessie doesn’t mind this attribute. She probably doesn’t even listen to a word he says because she is so distracted trying to rein in her wonky eye.
Back in Palm Beach, Jessie is driving a Mercedes convertible that belongs to her friend Kim’s father. They must be good friends, I wouldn’t even let Jessie drive my car unless she agreed to wear an eye patch on her wonky eye. You know now that I think of it, she should just wear a pirate’s eye patch and go to Key West for vacation. She would fit in.
Jessie goes to lunch with her friend Kim. The shades make it much easier to talk to Jessie, so much less distracting.
Jessie and Kim have been friends since she was 13. They go to a restaurant for lunch and immediately the conversation turns to PC. Kim tells Jessie that she thinks, Jessie should date PC. I thought PC and Jessie already dated and broke up. Oh well, whatever.
Jessie’s friend Kim thinks Jessie and PC fight because of the unresolved sexual tension between them. Who wants to tell her that the sexual tension isn’t between PC and Jessie? Any volunteers?
Jessie is concerned because PC didn’t call her when he got to Cancun. So she calls to check up on him, but she just gets his voice-mail. She leaves a message but is not happy that PC is not keeping her updated. She’ll have to hurt him when he gets back to NYC.
Back to PC in Cancun. He and JP and another guy go to Senor Frogs. This is a club with a lot of really drunk girls and lots of booze and loud music. Suddenly PC is accosted by, a girl!!!
A girl not from NYC has the nerve to ask PC to dance. She must be really drunk.
She asks PC to dance, but PC says “I’m not dancing right now”. She knows that dickhead, that’s why she asked you to dance. She’s petite and looks kind of cute and obviously can dance, but PC is not interested.
PC tells us that it is one thing to dance but it’s another to just jump up and down and wave your hands. That’s being an idiot. The girl is not giving up and she is grabbing at him telling him to relax. PC is not happy. She is all over him until PC finally says “Don’t
touch my face!”.
Don’t touch my face, do you know how long it took me to get ready tonight?
Later on JP asks PC what he said to that girl and PC says basically I told her to f*** off. But the evening is not over for our PC and the rest of his buddies. I wonder if they all have big closets like PC where they keep their beloved collection of clothes, shoes and sunglasses and man purses?
A guy comes over to PC’s table and asks PC if he wants to do Jaeger Bombs. PC is disgusted. He tells the guy that they are not from New Jersey and that only people from New Jersey get Jaeger Bombs. PC apparently hates minorities and people from New Jersey. He better watch out, Caroline Manzo can have her people take care of PC for just a few thousand dollars.
I can fix youse problem for two big ones. No problem, cash only or I’ll have your legs broke.
I’m in for a hundred bucks, how about you guys?
At this late hour, PC has had quite a few drinks, I know this because a lady puts a big pink and green sombrero on his head and he doesn’t just yank it off. He says he might as well enjoy himself. When in Rome, PC tells the camera.
Work it PC, you look fabulous.
But the next part is probably the most disturbing part of the evening. PC starts dancing with a middle-aged fat blonde woman. For some reason PC didn’ t want to dance with the cute girl from before but he is happy to dance with someone old enough to be his mother. This makes PC a bit of a freak. So he likes older blondes and weight is not an issue for him. Queen Jessie will bite off her own paw when she sees this clip.
PC and JP both dance with Mrs. Robinson. They like to share everything.
PC shows Mrs. Robinson how he likes to be disciplined.
And of course, no binge drinking is really complete until you take the picture of a really drunk guy smiling.
Dude, I’m like so drunk I think I like a woman!
Back in NYC where none of the cool people are right now, Taylor and Sebastian are walking in the snow. If they were both better looking and Taylor was dying from an incurable disease, this is just like a scene from “Love Story” except of course, that was good acting and a great story. These are just two bored teenagers trying to scam each other.
Sebastian and Taylor meet up for a walk in the snow. Awwwwww, young and in love with themselves.
Sebastard has a soccer ball along for the walk. I don’t know why he is carrying a soccer ball unless he named it Wilson as a nod to the Tom Hanks hit movie “Castaway”. As they walk, Taylor and Sebastard hold hands. This is awkward because once again he doesn’t have a free hand to flip his hair.
Taylor says she doesn’t want Sebastard to know that she’s been texting Cole because Sebastard is in prep school and it would be better for her social status to date him. Sebastian admits that he thought Taylor was just another hook-up but that maybe it could be something more. He says he likes Taylor a lot. Hmmm, Sebastard is good, you can almost believe he is a thoughtful caring person and not one of the undead army that lives in NYC.
Down in Palm Beach, Jessie is at the beach wearing a gray t-shirt, cutoff shorts and black suspenders and gold cuffs on one arm. The cuffs are just a little smaller than Wonder woman’s and they are probably very expensive. But, what’s up with the suspenders? Those went out of style in the 70′s when the Lockers were on “The Midnight Special”. Are they back in style? I hope we’re not going to see the return of the large afros on white chicks. Unless I get to see Jessie in one, I’d pay to see that.
Jessie is ever the fashion forward member of NYC Preps, but suspenders? Really?
Jessie is still worried about PC because he is her best friend and she hasn’t heard from him. This begs the question, why didn’t she go to Cancun with him? Maybe he didn’t ask her. That took balls.
Jessie calls PC again, without reaching him. This undead teen is getting very angry.
In Cancun, PC is also at the beach sitting on a rock with JP having a drink and getting some sun. PC says he loves being on vacation and that “JP and I are best friends, I guess that’s a “Bromance”. You’re close PC, very close. Just lose the “b”.
Isn’t it Bromantic?
Two girls come over and sit by PC and JP. They arrived with a bunch of guys who go and start to play volleyball. PC asks the girls if they know the guys playing volleyball”. JP tells the girls “He’s bi that’s why he’s asking”.
JP tells a couple of girls nearby that PC is bisexual. Yawn.
The girls nod and say “that’s what we thought. We were afraid you two were going to start making out.” AJ tells the girls that PC has a boyfriend back home and that he (JP) is not gay. Jessie is not going to like this clip either, she’ll probably gnaw off another paw when she sees this footage.
“I love it when you talk dirty.”
PC does not say anything. Most guys, would have denied being called bi or gay, but PC is not most guys and there is nothing wrong with being bi or gay or anything as long as you are honest about it and not a blood sucking bigot.
“Seriously dude, we were scared little kids at boarding school. I’m not into that anymore.”
Meanwhile back in the Hamptons, there was a death in Kelli’s house. The little white dog Lily, with the herniated discs has died. The family gets in the SUV to go to the cemetery where Lily will be buried and Kelli’s Mom would like each of them to say something. Kelli doesn’t want to say anything or even go to the graveyard.
Kelli is grieving either that or she is bored with the dead pet thing. On the way to the graveyard, Kelli tells her family “Please, none of you cry because it makes me feel not ok. I don’t want to do this right now and I don’t think I can handle it.” Kelli wants to run her family without any emotions or issues. She doesn’t like emotions, they make her feel and since most of her feelings are dead, it’s hard to start them up again.
Kelli hates having sadness in her life and does not allow herself to have emotions. Life or rather the after-life is easier when you have no feelings.
In NYC, Camilla’s stylist (Hitha) comes to her house to help her decide which clothes to keep and which should go to Goodwill. Camilla iis starting to think that Hitha is throwing out way too many of her expensive clothes. Hitha keeps tossing really expensive clothes and saying, “that’s not your style”. I think Hitha is just creating a pile of clothes for herself that are “her” style.
Hitha helps Camilla sort out her old clothes while trying not to notice the bird on Camilla’s head.
Back in the Hamptons, Kelli’s family arrives at the pet cemetary. Kelli doesn’t want to get out of the SUV, but her Dad talks her into it. She gets out and they all walk over to the grave site for Lily. Can I just say that some of the headstones at this pet cemetary are bigger than the ones I’ve seen for humans, humans I’m related to.
Kelli is not taking this well, she says it isn’t fair and that she doesn’t want to cry. As they gather closer together, a couple of guys lower a little casket into the ground. Kelli asks “Is she in there?” I hope so Kelli otherwise you’re crying over an empty white box. Kelli doesn’t like dealing with feelings, they are just too hard. She can’t wait to get out of this hell hole on Earth they call the Hamptons. What an awful place for our evil stepsister. She is missing her completely financed independence in her parents NYC condo. Being with family and having to cry are just a living hell for this poor little vampire stepsister.
Poor Lily she was a cute little dog. RIP sweetie.
Down in Cancun, PC finally answers his phone when Jessie calls. PC is on a lounge chair in the pool. I hate this guy. PC doesn’t know why Jessie is checking on him, she is not his girlfriend. After Jessie berates PC for not calling her after he landed, PC basically blows Jessie off and hangs up so he and JP can go out again.
No seriously, I’ve got to go JP is drowning in the pool, Bye Queenie.
That night, JP and PC go out to another club to drink and hangout together. A couple of girls join PC and JP at their table. PC asks them where they are from and they say “Texas”. They ask PC if he is from Kansas. PC says no NYC, while doing a great eye roll. Poor PC, drunk girls from Texas think you’re from Kansas. Lucky for Kansas that you’re from NYC.
These two are busily texting each other. Girl 1 – he’s an ass Girl 2 – duh Girl 1- let’s go
Girl 2 – what losers.
PC tells us that he is up for hanging out, “but the girls were from Texas! I mean Texas! That’s all I’m going to say.” JP asks PC “what did you do with the Texan girls?” “I got rid of them” is PC’s reply. That’s code for I took them out back and had them shot for thinking I was from Kansas.
Jessie and PC are back from their vacations and meet at Jessie’s home to talk about their trips. Jessie is grilling PC with questions about his trip. She wants to know what happened to him in Mexico, were there any girls? were they naked? wet t-shirts?PC tells her they hung out with JP a lot.
Seriously, I was not interested in any girls in Mexico.
PC tells Jessie “I had “F*** Off written on my forehead the entire time.” Actually PC, that isn’t necessary, most girls tell you to F*** Off soon after meeting you. PC again tells us that Jessie is not his girlfriend and that he doesn’t understand why she is checking on him.
PC listen carefully, JESSIE THE QUEEN OF THE DAMNED LIKES YOU AND WANTS TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND. Jeez, I know he’s the living dead, but come on surely he knows how Jessie feels.
Pucker up sweetie.
Queen Jessie senses that PC is not understanding her, so she tells him about her conversation with Kim. She tells PC that Kim is convinced they like each other. PC replies in his best line of the episode “I guess anything’s possible. One day we could date, or I could marry a chimp.”
A chimp? Is that what you said? Why didn’t you tell me you like hairy monkeys? I just got a Brazilian!
When Jessie sees this clip, she’ll chew off one of PC’s appendages and I think I know which one. Can you say “Bobbitt”?
I’m so much better for PC than a chimp. I have a credit card and opposable thumbs.
PC says there is not a big difference between dating and just being friends. Isn’t this the same guy who said there is a difference, namely that friendship and dating are different because you sleep with the person you’re dating? After 150 years he can’t be expected to remember every stupid thing he says, there are just so many stupid things your memory can hold.
Before Jessie has a chance to gnaw off PC’s Bobbitt, PC says “you would be such a bitch pregnant. Can you imagine the demands you would have?” Jessie squeals with delight at the thought of birthing PC’s offspring. For now, she won’t be chewing on any of his appendages, she’s head over dead heels for PC.
I might be a bitch, but if you get me pregnant, I’ll save all my worst moods for you. I know you love pain and I like to give it. We’re a perfect couple.
Back to Sebastian, he is having lunch with his Dad (Jeff). Sebastian’s Dad is losing his hair in a big way. I wonder if he had the famous hair flip habit too. Sebastian, take a long look at your Dad’s head. That’s you in just a few years, unless you join The Hair Club For Men or do The Donald comb over.
This is what your hair looks like if you toss it like a salad all day long. Layoff the hair flip kid.
After just a couple of minutes listening to Jeff talk to his son, we know that Sebastian’s Dad is an asshole and we know why Sebastian treats girls so badly. They discuss a girl in his school who was a foreign exchange student from Germany. Sebastian was interested in her but he tells his Dad that she has a boyfriend back in Germany. Sebastian’s Dad says “What is the point of that?” in other words, “so what”?
I’ll never lose my flip or my hair.
It’s time for Taylor’s gymnastic meet. She’s very nervous because this is her first competition. Cole comes to the meet to give her support. Cole tells Taylor that they are going to have a long conversation tonight. Gee, now that’s support. What kind of jerk says this to someone just before her first gymnastics meet? Cole does.
Cole is in the bleachers to
spy, umm no to support Taylor.
The meet went well and Taylor’s team won and her teammates cheered for her good score on the floor routine. After the meet, Taylor and Cole go to a vegan restaurant for food. After a little hedging, Cole says he wants details about her relationship with Sebastian. Cole wants Taylor to go out with him not Sebastian. Taylor tells him to give her 3 reasons why she should go out with him.
So Cole tells her that he is willing to compromise (that’s 1), really? Your idea of compromise involves Taylor doing exactly what you want her to do. That doesn’t sound like a compromise to me. Second, he says “you like my friends.” That doesn’t give her a reason to date you Cole, but it does give her a reason to date your friends.
And finally, Cole says he always supports her. I don’t think so, he just comes and makes her feel nervous and uncomfortable before she competes in a sport.
Cole wants to know where they stand. Ever full of herself Taylor says “What do you think?” That’s a pretty clever reply. Kelli would have said, “we’re not standing we’re sitting.”
I guess I could like Cole if I got a look at his parent’s tax return and their investment portfolio. But the numbers would have to be there.
Cole tells Taylor to call Sebastian and tell him that you like me, that he should leave you alone and don’t call me, don’t text me and don’t IM me. And with that overbearing statement, Taylor’s castle wall seems to crumble a little when she tells Cole she will go on another date with him.
Over on the other side of town, Sebastian feels a cold wind blow through his hair, something is up. Like a dog in heat, he starts sniffing around. While Sebastian is sniffing around for a mate, Cole and Taylor are planning another date, PC still doesn’t know that Jessie wants him forever and ever lying right next to her in her coffin, Kelli is upset because she had to get upset when Lily died and poor Camilla is lost in a pile of her old designer clothes and trying to crawl toward the light.
Until next week Gasmii,