Off the Map: Coke is OK, Heroin Not So Much

Episode 10 of Off the Map, hot and fresh out the kitchen!

First off, I forgot to mention in the last recap that Sawyer went to join Victoria when she left for NY.

I say that because this ep starts with them returning. Victoria’s on the transplant list, but she’s pretty low on it, so she’s gotta chill out for a while. Sawyer asks Ben and Z to help him keep her calm, but Ben tells her there’s been a nasty viral outbreak at the prison, saying that he thought it would cheer her up. You’ve got the wrong lady doctor there, Ben, I think you were referring to the Sadist, who loves criminals and viruses.

They’re on a boat to the prison, and they tell the n00bs that there’s a men’s and a women’s prison. Dipshit is happy.

Hundreds of women all cramped together who haven’t seen a man in years? Is it Christmas?

They go through a security check more intense than at JFK Airport (“don’t touch my junk!”) and then head in to the prison, which looks straight out of a B horror movie.

Location of Saw XVI?

Lily is back at the Clinica after taking time off to reflect on the river kid that died. Proving her superfluousness, the Clinica ran fine with out her, even with Vicky and Sawyer canoodling in NY. She sees a lady with gout whose philosophy is “if you’re sick, go die, if you’re not, live.” She also likes getting drunk in her bathtub. I like her! Oh shit, her son, who made her come to the Clinica in the first place, walks in, and who is it? Matteo? Well, now Lily’s met his mother, they might as well get married.

Back at the prison where people actually matter, Ben and Sadist examine an old nice prisoner, but find out that his stomach looks like he’s carrying Rosemary’s baby, only more gross.

Someone should get him some Shea butter for those gnarly stretch marks

The prisoner Victoria looks at attacks her, but she is able to wrestle him onto the bed (ew, not like that, get your mind out of the gutter). How can a skinny white ginger overpower a 300 lb South American murderer? One explanation: she’s a vampire. I’ve been saying it all along!

Matteo and Lily bicker, and his Mama collapses.

They have to take the guy that attacked Victoria back to the Clinica to operate on him. They load him and distended belly guy on the boat, but as Belly Guy babbles about his “imaginary girlfriend” getting sick, Ben realizes that the women’s prison connects through his wall, and the virus must have spread there, too.

Hey, there’s just some dirty woman in here, what a rip-off of a glory hole!

He crosses into the women’s prison and finds Belly Guy’s (named Hugo) girl, who is an American! She’s also an idiot- she’s in the slammer cuz a guy told her to put something in her bag when she flew back to the US, and she it didn’t cross her mind it could’ve been drugs (heroin to be exact).

Hugo’s liver is beyond repair, they can’t do anything more. They operate on Victoria’s attacker, and find a HUGE mass of worms in his gut. Another gross-out episode, I see. Thanks Shonda, I was hungry before that, too.

What do you think, should we order Chinese tonight?

The n00b doctors and Charlie hang out, and sexual innuendos about Douchey and Sadist abound. It’s uncomfortable. Douchey tells Lily he can’t look at the Sadist without picturing her naked, and he can’t deal with it. I sympathize with his pain.

During surgery on Mr. Worms, Victoria collapses. Sawyer calls in the prison guard watching Hugo’s girl to help him, and gives Victoria some bloody good CPR. Literally.

Careful Sawyer, you’re covered in blood and she’s getting awfully close to your neck…

Hugo miraculously wakes up, and Ben goes to get his American lady friend so they can officially meet, but since Ben had convinced the guard to take one of her handcuffs off (so he could IV her), and the guard had to go help Sawyer, she bolted. This Clinica really has a history of letting wanted criminals escape, huh?

Victoria wakes up and Sawyer gives her a stern talking to about overexerting herself and being in denial about her own weakness.

Sadist tells Lily she can’t be around Dipshit without everything getting super awkward and she doesn’t like it, especially the way he stares at her. Lily knows he’s not staring at her, but rather through her clothes, and she wisely decides to keep that nasty tidbit to herself. Then she walks outside and gets yelled at by Mateo for not giving his mother the best care possible (she still has no clue why she’s sick). But then Mama’s machines start beeping and Lily redeems herself by sucking out some fluid that was compressing her heart with a big ass needle.

That’s right, you may have the coke but I have the giant needle, so back off!

Ben finds runaway American girl and tells her she shouldn’t try to run cuz she’ll just get caught and her friend Hugo will die alone. She returns (obvi) and holds his hand as they watch the sunset together. Btw her name is Becky. Really? Becky? Sigh, I’m not even gonna go there.

Ahhhh OMG this is hilarious, Mateo’s mom has lupus! I’m not turning into the Sadist here, it’s just so funny because on House and all those other medical shows they always think it might be, or at least suggest, lupus as a diagnosis, but it NEVER is. Lupus, the laughing stock reject of the disease world, finally finds a home. Anyway, Mama tells a heartwarming (?) story about how she used to grow corn but it sold for so little that she couldn’t feed her family, so she decided to become the South American stereotype. It’s just like college girls stripping for tuition money, both make the customers happy and help the dancer/grower have better lives! No harm no foul, right?

Sadist and Dipshit make up. Let’s hope they’ve learned their lesson and never try to make annoying, skinny, pale, sadistic children together ever again.

Z half-heartedly berates Ben for almost letting Becky (ugh) get away, but then babbles in Spanish, and Ben picks out that she said, “Te quiero.” I know from my extensive Spanish lessons gained from watching 1990s Taco Bell commercials that “quiero” means love. So she loves him. Is anyone surprised? By the way I miss that Chihuahua.

Can you replace Z please? You’d be cuter and more understandable than her

Mateo says he wants to have his Mama moved to a facility in San Miguel, but Lily says he should stay and she can make house calls to monitor and help her. Will we see the return of Lily and Mateo? I hope so, they provided the only exciting and hott sexy time on the show.

Victoria accepts the fact that she’s sick and cries on Sawyer’s shoulder. Took her long enough. Even vampires have weaknesses, and apparently hers is a heart disease caused by a bug bite. Who knew?

And thus ends episode 10. I think they should kill off Victoria, if only to make things interesting on this show. Then Lily and Sawyer can get together, which I thought would happen from the get-go (it is a Grey’s rip off after all, and Lily is Meredith and Sawyer is McDreamy so…). What do you guys think, where do you think it’s going to go in its last few episodes? Thanks as always for reading!

L-Money