Off the Map: Cultural Insensitivity FTW

And here’s another episode of Off the Air (I hope)!

In case you forgot, last time Sawyer gave the Sadist the ol’ GTFO. Will she lie down and accept it? Pfft she’d skin every puppy and kitten in South America before letting that happen.

Dipshit ate all the chunks out of the ice cream at Charlie’s place. What a douche. But we knew that already. He claims he has a problem with “night eating.” Translation: I’m drowning my feelings over losing the Sadist in gallons of ice cream while watching Dias de Nuestra Vida.

Or maybe all the chunks vanished into his giant gaping nostrils

The Sadist is hanging around outside the Clinica like a homeless guy outside 7-11 at 2 AM. Sawyer is doing his best to ignore her, but then she starts talking about feelings and he tells her she’s a crappy doctor to get her to go away. But before Sadist can think of a snappy comeback (or pull out a weapon), Victoria comes out in a ratty bathrobe to tell them they’re headed to the Big Apple cuz there’s a heart waiting for her.

Sadist doesn’t care. Sawyer looks like he’s seen the ghost of lesbian hairstyles past.

Z and Ben want a day off to go bull taunting- Ben wants to be more supportive of Z’s culture. The way he says it makes him sound super condescending, but seeing as how Z gets her jollies by acting like every American is dumber than a bag of rocks, they go well together.

Lily is outside, and hoo boy, look at her neck! It could be one of three things: a) an intense hicky from Mateo, b) a rash from picking coca, c) a hive formed from GUILT AND SHAME about picking a leaf that will become a lethal drug.

I choose option d) All of the above

Sadist, Sawyer, and Vicky are driving to the airport like it’s a fun family vacation (read: terrible car trip with annoying relatives) when a whole slew of creepy little girls dressed in white appear like ghosts in front of them. No joke, it’s getting pretty horror movie-esque up in hurr, especially when we see they’re all covered in blood, standing still, and staring into space with vacant expresions.

If it were me, I’d have turned the car straight around and called an exorcist

They were heading to a festival for Holy Week when their truck carrying a float crashed/fell over/driver was drunk.

At the Clinica, Dipshit is treating a woman who fell down. Her and her sons are wearing matching shirts.

Guess which one is gay? (hint- it’s the one who looks happy to be wearing the pink shirt)

She has a website where she writes about her experience with breast cancer, hence the hideous shirts. Oh wait, the gay son is actually her husband. Well, doesn’t change my evaluation of his sexuality.

Lily is frazzled at having to run the ER with no one but Charlie to help her. She looks at a new policeman named Pablo whose gloves got fused to his skin when a firecracker went off in his hands. Prediction 1: he’s going to realize that her neck rash isn’t simply the result of a wild night at the Cantina with Mateo.

At the bull taunt, Z cheers and Ben is disbelieving about how she could like this holiday more than Thanksgiving or Christmas. American ethnocentrism FTW! She tells him Thanksgiving is about the rape and murder of indigenous peoples, which is just as violent as this event. She’s totes right. Although there is pie…

Uh oh, she’s got her bitch face on. Better watch your mouth lest you go back to being Blue Balls Ben

They see that cancer lady Marge’s son has entered the ring and is standing there like a statue. They yell at him to move but he doesn’t and takes the bull head-on, which happens in a scene with one of the worst stand-in stunt doubles/stunt dummies I’ve ever seen.

Seriously, his hair isn’t even the right color!

And then this? Just sloppy. What happened to his legs in 3 seconds?

Back with the creepy truck girls, the Sadist decides to stay with them (one is pinned under a truck) so Victoria and Sawyer can catch the plane to NY. Victoria is surprised, saying she didn’t think the Sadist likes kids, to which she replies, “they’re alright, I just have a habit of killing them.” If I were Sawyer, I would’ve been wary of hiring someone who put infanticide under “hobbies and interests” on her medical job application, but to each his own.

Victoria: Don’t kill anyone. The Sadist: No promises (in her head, anyway).

Mateo comes by and tells Lily that she’s got coca rash, meaning she’s allergic to coca. Don’t even try to make the Scarlet Letter connection- the show makes it for us. For some reason I can’t tell if she’s happy about the allergy or upset…this storyline is so fucked already it’s impossible to predict how she’s going to flip-flop next. But Lateo is still on for their date.

Yeah, that’s right, I’m sure you’ll be making that face come tonight

The girl that is trapped under the truck embarrassed herself years ago at the parade by peeing herself in her white dress from nerves. Don’t care. But then the truck starts crushing her. Hopefully it avoids her bladder so she can avoid a repeat trauma. Sadist gets the girls to lift the truck (strong little buggers!) so she can pull her out, but then she faints (the girl, not the Sadist. The Sadist would never faint for anything.)

Cancer Marge’s son needs a skin/vein graft or else he’ll lose his leg, so of course Mommy Dearest volunteers. But it turns out her son (Scott I think?) is really like any normal teenage boy- he just wants to get laid and get drunk, not bike around the world in a pink shirt with his cancer-ridden mom and closet homo dad. He refuses the vein, saying he doesn’t want to shorten his mom’s life, but Ben overrides him.

Lily starts pulling the burnt skin from Pablo’s hands. Had anyone else forgotten about him? In any case, he starts getting an anxiety attack. She diagnoses him as having a panic disorder. Brilliant, just brilliant! Dr. Lily as a Nobel Prize candidate, anyone?

And I thought Dipshit’s nostrils were huge. This guy could fit all of South America up there and still have room for Cuba.

Sadist calls Sawyer for help, but he just says she can do it, re-hires her, and hangs up. She rallies the little girls to be her operating assistants as she opens up Pee Girl’s chest to clamp her aorta, and the girl she gets to hold the ribs seems a little bit too eager if you ask me. I hope she isn’t getting infected by the Sadist’s bloodlust and love of child labor…

Lily and Dipshit complain to each other about their problems while he scratches her drug rash. She’s upset she’s become a cocaine farmer, and he’s upset he can’t plow the Sadist’s fields, if you know what I mean.

Your scratching relieves her annoyingly itchy sense of guilt for a few minutes. Maybe she should try calamine lotion next.

There’s more cultural insensitivity from Z and Ben in Marge’s OR. Dipshit flips his, well, shit and says her son shouldn’t be ignored about not wanting the graft. Marge goes and tells her son that she has a part of him from his donated bone marrow, and if she gave him the vein there would be a part of her with him forever. Sounds slightly serial killer-ish, but it gets the job done and he consents.

Sadist loads the injured Pee Girl onto the ceremonial float/stretcher thing to take her back to the Clinica. She’s hoping for a truck to come and take them back the rest of the way, so Shonda/Betsy Beers slap us in the face with symbolic meaning as a truck carrying creepy idols of religious figures drives up.

Oy vey, what is this hot mess I’m about to get myself into? Lord give me strength

Once they’re back at the Clinica, the Sadist freaks out and starts praying. I guess she doesn’t want to be permanently known as the child-killer, but as far as I can tell, what’s another kid added to her previous hundred or so?

Vawyer is stuck in traffic on the way to the airport, so Sawyer decides to He-Man up and carry her the rest of the way. They make it on time, but then Victoria sees she missed a page from a couple of hours ago- the heart isn’t viable anymore. She’s gonna have to go on living with her dead vampiric one for a little while longer. But no, she’s decided she’s tired of living hooked up to machines like a weak, sick specimen, and doesn’t want to bother with this silly heart business any more, just go home. Sawyer is incredulous, but she is firm.

You tryna make me stop partyin’? I WHIP MAH HAIR BACK AND FORTH I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH

Lily tells Sawyer about the coca, or at least that it’s what caused her rash. But he doesn’t really care. He’s got sadists, heroin addicts, and vampires running around the Clinica already, how much difference can one drug grower make?

Turns out Pablo isn’t a wuss, he has a heart condition that makes him go nuts when under stress. With the help of pills, he can unclench his hands so Lily can help him. But when she does, he tells her it wasn’t a firecracker, it was a bale of coca that burned him. The Polizia are burning all the coca fields in the area! Oh snap!

This is her “oh shit” face, normally reserved for hearing her kitty was run over, not that thousands of pounds of addictive drugs were being burned. South America changes people.

Ben saved the Sadist’s Pee Girl, and she gets very happy and hugs Dipshit, who then feels it’s the appropriate time to tell her that he’s in love with her. She looks confused and afraid but doesn’t say anything.

Z is sad because all the loca Americanos who come to the Clinica eventually leave her. But Ben shows her a passport he just got from the South American (we still don’t really know what country they’re in) government, saying he’s not going back to the States any time soon. Is it that easy to get a S. American passport? That took him like two weeks. I find that hard to believe, but maybe they’re so desperate for Americans to stay they hand out passports like grandmas hand out pennies on Halloween.

Also, prediction 2: Sawyer’s gonna go to his hot Australian black market organ guy to get a heart for Victoria.

Lily runs to Mateo’s coke farm, where everything’s up in flames and he has been shot. She makes him chew some coca to get his blood pressure up. From drug farmer to drug dealer all in one episode!

Also:

Prediction 2: 100% correct

And that’s where we end. Will Victoria accept the black market heart? Will the Sadist and Dipshit get together for real? Will Mateo live? Will Lily give up medicine to become a full-time coke dealer?

OMG I just realized this was the last episode! What a crappy ending! If this show doesn’t get renewed, and at this point it seems pretty unlikely it will be, then none of these questions will be answered! They could have given at least a little bit of closure to some of the story lines, instead of just starting a crapload of new ones.

Does anyone think it will be renewed? Is Shonda enough of a guarantee to override bad reviews and bad ratings?

So, until I hop on a new show, it’s good bye for now my lovely Gasmii! Thanks so much for reading and commenting as usual!

<3 L-Money