Off the Map: Different Continent, Same Shonda

It’s another new TV season, so you know what that means. Another doctor show! However, this one is unique in that it will probably be exactly the same as a “medical” drama already on the air. That’s right, welcome to the recap of the first episode of Off the Map, or as I like to think of it, Grey’s Anatomy goes to South America!

…Shonda Rimes is laughing and rolling in her money

We start off with some nice shots of jungle, cliffs, and ocean (FYI the show is filmed in Hawaii). Sort of like the beginning of Survivor. Maybe I was wrong, it would be better to call this show a crossover between Grey’s and Survivor. All the sudden, someone screams about his foot- it’s a guy in the ocean with a lifeboat.

Meanwhile, we see three “doctors,” (I assume this due to the stethoscopes, although that could just mean they’re into some kinky roleplay) standing by and watching. That’s just what I want doctors to do if I’m hurt, watch and chat about my injury while I slowly bleed to death.

Ugggh I had to help the last one! It’s your turn, I did my doctoring for the day.

Mr. Bad Boy with an Australian Accent, who looks a bit like Sawyer from Lost (let’s call him Sawyer) says he wants new doctors to help out. The black guy, Ben from Grey’s (I’m assuming everyone watching this show also watches Grey’s) says newbies don’t care about the medicine, just padding their resumes. But oh wait, they forgot the guy drowning. Sawyer FINALLY decides he may need help, so, he does the safest, most medically-smart thing possible and dives in.

Off the map? More like off the cliff! As in watching this show is going to make me want to jump off a cliff.

After a quick exchange with Bemused Exotic Accent lady, in which we see the first of many, many romances to be on the show, Ben joins Sawyer in his suicide plunge. Ben and Sawyer, it’s a regular Lost reunion up in here.

Fresh meat arrives to the “clinica” in a taxi, while another red haired “doctor” gets in and leaves. That’s surely a good sign, when the people at your future place of employment can’t get away fast enough.

I bet that means “Clinic of Last Resorts”

The Fresh-faced American girl comes in looking for Dr. Zananalberniunjio, who turns out to be Ms. Exotica. After some comment about the “Great White Hope” (euphemism for White Man’s Burden?), she sends her to try and help. Let’s meet the other new docs, Mina Minard (Infectious Diseases, oooh), our girl from before, Lily Brenner (emergency medicine), and Tommy Fuller, plastics, AKA wannabe McSteamy.

From left to right: Enthused, Bemused, and Confused

First assignment, help pull a stingray out of previous drowning guy’s foot. When the dude won’t cooperate, Sawyer punches him in the face, and out it goes in a spray of blood.

Sawyer tells them that they don’t have a lot of equipment, or meds, or anything really besides sex, so they’re basically practicing in 1952. And now Sawyer doesn’t have an accent anymore. WTF? Was I imagining it before? So confused…

Ben’s real name is Dr. Otis Cole. So it’s official, he is not the same character from Grey’s Anatomy, even though it is the same actor. I’ll still call him Ben. Plastic Surgeon Tommy wants to know if it’s okay for them to “hit the beach” before they start working and “get their swim on.”

Oh heeeellll no son! Where do you think you are, Club Med?

While the girls stare at Sawyer’s well-formed “credentials,” Tommy firmly entrenches himself as village asshole by making some sexist boob comments. Probably didn’t work back in the US, and definitely won’t work here. Ben responds by sending the dipshit on a house call, which Dipshit is soooo excited about. Unfortunately, young native translator Charlie tells him it won’t be as easy as he thinks. Meanwhile, Lily wins a trip into the jungle with Sawyer to see a patient.

I’m so thrilled to be riding your…motorcycle

On his jungle trek with Charlie, Tommy Boy complains and Charlie says, “this is why Americans are fat and lazy.” We also have microwaves and 1000 channels of TV, but whatever. When he gets to the sick person’s house, he finds them all sick with TB, and the wife dead, but the father is refusing medication, saying it’s what killed his wife. You’re not doing nose jobs anymore, Tommy.

Lovebirds Sawyer and Lily have to deal with an injured zipliner whose arm got caught. The cable won’t hold both of them, so Lily has to go up in a harness by herself while Sawyer talks her through what to do.

Look what you’re making me do you stupid tourist! I wonder if I can strangle you and make it look like an accident…

The guy, Ed, tells her he went there on his honeymoon and loved it, so he came back, but his wife just died so he came alone. She cuts him off and they zip to safety together. Sawyer’s penetrating…gaze makes her reveal that the reason she came here was she needed to get away after losing someone. BTW his accent came back.

Dr. Zaabhingujewbalberjnajz bitches about how much work she has to do because the “stupid Americanos” all leave and don’t even learn Spanish. Mina tells an old woman she has a cold and sends her home.

Plastics returns unsuccessfully from the TB house, and Ben is not happy. He confronts Plastics about his past failures- barely made it through med school and residency and just wants to do boob jobs. He tells him if he doesn’t go treat the TB people tomorrow he shouldn’t come back at all.

Cut to a bar at 3 AM, and me realizing exactly how similar this show is to Grey’s Anatomy. We have chauvinistic but talented Tommy/Alex Karev, quietly interesting Lily/Meredith Grey, and eager moralistic Mina/Izzie Stevens. And they’re at a bar, as usual. Sigh, Shonda Rimes, nice try, but IT’S THE SAME.

Welcome to the Shondaverse, population: many attractive, emotionally damaged doctors. Who drink a lot.

Ed says Lily must think he’s crazy for flying to South America after his wife died, but she relates (lost a loved one and came here, OMG doctor-patient mirroring!) In fact, the wife’s ashes are in his suitcase so he can leave them here, where she wanted. Surprised TSA let him through with that.

Next morning, Ed starts coding. He’s got some naaaasty internal bleeding going on, and they all start operating. Unfortunately, they don’t have enough blood for him. But Sawyer decides to do what any normal doctor would do- transfuse him some green coconut juice. Seems green coconut juice has the same electrolyte balance as blood. Next time the blood bank wants me to donate, I’ll just send them some green coconuts instead.

Mina’s cold lady is back, and she faints. Greeeat diagnosis, Mina. Back with the TB family, the father is still refusing the meds. Tommy snaps and says he understands the man’s pride, because he was so proud he alienated himself from his family. The guy concedes. Touching.

After the surgery is over, Lily excitedly goes to tell Mina about it, but she just acts like a bitch towards her. Maybe her name should be Mean-a. Apparently Mean-a worked so hard in the States that she was overtired and caused a kid to die by misdiagnosing him. She was kicked out of her residency and came here to treat old ladies with asthma instead.

Thank you white American witch doctor, for your gift of the magical breathing tube thingy

Ed is getting ready to be airlifted out, but Lily wants them to let him dump his cremated wife out. She wants “him” to get closure and move on. “He” needs to say goodbye. Uh huh. You’re not fooling anyone, sister.

Dr. Douchebag tries to find a scenario where Mina will have sex with him. Too bad for him, she says she wouldn’t do it even to save the human race. So now we know they’ll be sleeping together in about two episodes, tops.

Asthma lady returns to give Mina a chicken as a sign of her gratitude for helping her breathe. Mina doesn’t want it, but eventually takes it.

Just what every doctor wants, a healthy dose of salmonella

Lily takes Ed to pour out his wife. After, she tells Sawyer that her fiancée was the one who died, and he gives her some motivational words about the stars, blah blah blah. As everyone relaxes for the night, Sawyer finds the red-head who supposedly left in the beginning of the episode in his office. Aaaanndd OMG I just realized who she is! It’s Victoria from Twilight (and New Moon)! Believe me, this is more a negative than a positive, but I just like it because now I can refer to her as a crazy vampire.

She was sitting creepily alone in the dark…watch any “love bites” she may want to give you, Sawyer

She asks him if he’s “coming to bed” (Hello Addison Montgomery!). And when he seems reluctant, she say’s “She’s gone, she’s not coming back.” Why am I not surprised that Sawyer has some baggage of his own? Oh right, it’s a Shonda Rimes show. Everyone is screwed up. In the end, the three youngins find the beach and jump in.

Well, what did everyone think of the premiere? Worth watching more? Just another Grey’s Anatomy clone? I’ll keep watching because, well, I have to recap it, so stick with me if you want to see more shirtless, sweaty…medicine. Until next week!

L-Money

PS: Because they never said Sawyer’s real name, or at least I never heard it, I looked up. Guess what, it’s Dr. Ben! Could this get any more complicated? Now what am I going to call Ben? I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. Also, I still can’t figure out his mysterious reappearing accent. What an enigma.