Off the Map: Dirty Prostitutas Get All the Cocaine

***Double recap part 2

Lateo wakes up after what must surely have been a wild night, and Lily leaves early to avoid doin’ the Walk of Shame™ in front of Mama Mateo. She don’t want to be seen as a “dirty prostituta,” after all. But Mama is up early harvesting the coca, so no luck there.

If he’s the John, I’d be a prostituta for free

Ben shows up whistling, because as we saw last episode, Blue Balls Ben is gone! He and Sawyer exchange some witty banter before heading out to help some female para-gliders stuck in a tree. One of them tells Sawyer that she wants his haircut. Considering they are lesbians, that’s probably a pretty harsh blow to his manly ego.

Forget the Biebs’ lesbian hair blog, what about LesbiansWhoLookLikeSawyer.com?

The lady lovers only have minor injuries, but just when all seems well, a rogue gust of wind blows them out of the tree and back up into the sky.

Pher (gawd I hope he leaves soon so I don’t have to keep writing that ridiculous name) is making post-coital breakfast for the Sadist. Dipshit doesn’t like it or him, saying he woke him up at dawn sobbing- apparently he saw a double rainbow and was moved. LOL internet jokes.

Some lady shows up at the Clinica with a cut looking for someone named Palomito. Turns out that Palomito is apparently Spanish for Charlie, as the spunky translator is her son, and he wrote her a letter asking her to come.

Victoria asks the Sadist to check her for a fever, and shows her some infected paper cuts, which look pretty nasty. The Sadist has her worried look on, or at least as worried as she can get, which is not good. Who said paper pushing wasn’t dangerous? She determines that it’s endocarditis- the infection has spread to Vicky’s already-weak, cold heart. Then she crashes.

Lily, Ben, and Sawyer find the lesbi-gliders on a rocky beach; the white one (who is a doctor) thinks she’s holding on to the harness, but she’s actually holding her wife’s bleeding wound closed. I’m sure she’s a great doctor if she can’t tell the difference between bleeding, inner-body flesh and outside stuff. She’d fit right in at the Clinica. Oh wait, she’s actually a veterinarian. Well, that explains it.

Ooooh, this feels like silly putty! What is it what is it?! Tell me!

Dipshit helps Charlie’s mom, who he hasn’t seen in five years. She’s absent minded and has other symptoms that indicate something more may be wrong than a case of bad-parentitis. This is corroborated by the hallucinations she starts seeing next, and Dipshit thinks she’s schizophrenic. He tells Charlie, who insists she can be fixed, seeing as how he’s “practically a doctor.” Honestly, he’s probably a better doctor than most of the Clinica people, and definitely better than Charlene (white vet lesbian), who wouldn’t know a body if her hand was stuck wrist-deep in one. Oh wait.

Just give him a medical license already. I’m sure there are a million illegal doctors running around South America who have less experience than him anyway

As they try to get Charlene and Fran (her wife) up the ledge and back to the Clinica, Fran starts losing consciousness. Charlene cries about how she smothered Fran and killed their marriage, and now she’s killing her fo real. At least now that you have your hand inside her organs, so you’re closer than ever. Deadly wounds can breed intimacy, too!

Sadist calls in Z to help her with Victoria, whose heart is now beating via electrical stimulation. They decide to put in a real pacemaker, but the only one they have is some ancient contraption that needs 9-volt batteries, which are in short supply in America, so imagine how rare they are in the jungle. Fortunately, Sadist is able to use her Sadistic ways to play Operation on a little girl’s dolly from the waiting room and yank out its battery. Now that she’s traumatized a young child by saying her dolly has a pulmonary embolism, her work is done.

I hope this face haunts your dreams for ever, little girl. Along with the fact that I dismembered your precious dolly in front of you. Mwahaha!

After some drama, Sadist successfully inserts the wire for the pacemaker to Victoria’s heart.

Back with the Sapphic hang-gliders, Charlene can’t take it anymore and takes her hand off Fran’s wound. But then both start going down, as Charlene had some injuries they couldn’t see in the field. They go into surgery at the same time, in the same OR. There’s nothing to rekindle a romance better than having your bodies ripped open together.

Those who get flayed together, stay together

Dipshit runs out to get Charlie’s mom, who is freaking out in a fruit stand, having schizophrenic delusions. He takes her back to the Clinica and reads her diary back to her so she can see she needs to go to the mental hospital. It’s gibberish more unintelligible than post-stroke Dick Clark on New Year’s Eve (too soon?).

Victoria tells the Sadist she wants her to be her new doctor, as Z and Sawyer can’t take it because they like her. Hey, if she wants a doctor who doesn’t care about her she picked the right one.

Dipshit, Lily, and the Sadist play the fun old Grey’s Anatomy favorite game of “Whose Life Sucks the Most?” and Sadist wins for killing Victoria and bringing her back to life. Like creating a vampire. I told you! Pher shows up with a baby chick (d’awww so cute) and walks off with the Sadist, arm in arm. For a Man of God he sure knows how to charm the ladies.

Sadist tells Sawyer about the regime change in regards to Victoria, and he ain’t happy about it, but she stands her ground and asserts her right as power of attorney for medical stuffs. Just give up, Sawyer, fighting against the Sadist is a lost cause unless you want to end up unrecognizable in a ditch “somewhere in South America.”

Yea, well, my hair is still prettier than yours!

Charlie says good bye to his loca mama and Charlene and Fran snuggle up together. The former also snaps a photo of Sawyer’s hair, for reference. Wonder if he’ll get a haircut anytime soon that’s a bit less lesbian-friendly.

Lily shows up at Mateo’s cocaine harvest dinner, saying she’s not gonna let the minor major thing of him growing coca get in the way of their luuurve. Bets on how long it’ll be until it drives a wedge between them again? One episode? Two?

Screw oysters and chocolate, coca and candles are the aphrodisiacs of choice in South America

Then they feel a storm coming on, and as coca gets ruined if it gets rained on, they have to pick it all. Lily decides to put aside her moral qualms and help. Oh, what we’ll do for love.

Victoria tells Sawyer she doesn’t want to end up on life support machines like his wife Abby, and that’s why she gave Sadist the medical power. She also remarks that he has a “type,” meaning he like sickly women hooked up in bed to machines.

Position to fill: Sawyer’s girlfriend. Healthy, conscious women need not apply

Dipshit moves in with Charlie, I think? The airlift comes and takes Victoria away to the hospital. Sawyer tells Sadist that he’s not gonna sit by and watch Victoria die like what happened with Abby and, with his best Trump impression, tells her she’s fired. So there is a way to defeat the Sadist! Her mother Meryl Streep will have something to say about this!

So Gasmii, how do you think Sadist is going to get back to the Clinica? Kill every other doctor until he has to hire her back out of sheer need? Because obvi she won’t be away for long.

Thanks as always for reading!

<3 L-Money