Off the Map: Doctors, Demons, and Douchebags

Hi all! Off the Map episode 2 recap. Here it be.

FYI, I was informed after last week’s recap that Mamie Gummer, who plays stuck-up Dr. Mina, is Meryl Streep’s daughter. I knew I recognized her from somewhere, but wasn’t sure where. All I can think of her as now is Meryl’s wannabe star daughter.

5:01 AM. Lily wakes up to find this next to her in bed.

I usually prefer my bed-partners to be less hairy and only have two legs, but I guess you take what you can get in the jungle

She hops out of bed like her one-night stand just told her he used to have a vajayjay and runs to take a shower. Unfortch, Dr. Dipshit is already there with his latest conquest. Lily complains that this is in violation of her sacred shower schedule. Guess who the wet blanket in this frat house is?

Seriously dude, no one likes a cock blocker

Mina finds it ironic that, “He’s the whore and we’re the ones bathing like hookers.” Hey, hookers have showers! Lily continues to rain on the fun parade by whining that Mina’s chicken (sensitively named “Dinner”) is eating all her cereal. She hates shower sex, she hates pets, what a fun sucker. Well I know who isn’t going to be invited to Singles Night at the cantina.

She explains her wet blanketness on the fact that she likes routine and order in her life. So of course she would pack up and fly thousands of miles to the middle of fucking nowhere, where nothing is regular and you never know what the next day will bring. Riiiigghhtt. I think she’s just a stick in the mud.

Step one of her routine is to read this text every morning.

At least John Wayne Gacy listened to half of that advice

Witty banter between Ben (Dr. Otis, who played a doc named Ben in Grey’s Anatomy) and Z (Dr. Zitanabelenrjez). She doesn’t want him in her pants because they work together, but as he aptly puts it, “There’s no HR department in the jungle.” Unless you count the Huge Reptiles. Or Horny Residents. Or a combination of both, hey ohhh!

While taking a merry stroll through the jungle, Meryl Jr. complains about the nakedness of Dr. Douchebag’s female guests. Right on time, they stumble upon naked Victoria (she played vampire villain Victoria in Twilight and New Moon), chillaxing in a jungle pool. Her real name is Dr. Ryan Clark. Does anyone else agree that Ryan is a dumb name for a woman? They introduce themselves, and lo and behold, Douchebag spits out one of his winning pick-up lines “Your hand is soooo wet!”

Oooh girlfriend, I know someone’s been moisturizing regularly! Let Daddy get a feel of those moist phalanges!

Oh right, this is a medical show. First patient of the day has been bit by a snake. Douchebag and Li’l Meryl say they don’t mind snakes and are ready to go, but since Lily hates the slithering serpents, she has to go to get used to it. She, Dr. Z, and Sawyer (hottie Dr. Ben who may or may not have an Australian accent) hop into a Jeep to get going.

They find the patient’s girlfriend, who tells them they are wildlife photographers and starts babbling on in a British accent (you should take a few cues from her, Sawyer!) about it being all her fault. She wants him to commit more to their relationship. But it seems the snakebite turned into this:

At least it’s less constricting than my girlfriend’s constant nagging

Back at the Clinica, a native runs up to Spawn of Meryl with some coconut wind chimes and starts talking to her in Spanish, but unfortunately she was too bad accidentally killing kids in America to learn Spanish. Vampire Ryan comes to the rescue and explains he’s offering the tourist trinkets in return for treating his sister. Better or worse than being paid in live chicken?

Plastics begs Ben to give him another chance, after screwing up at first with his last patients. So Ben gives him the chance to save thousands of lives by building a latrine for a local community. When Plastics objects (surprised?), Ben tells him having clean water will cut down the number of illnesses by half. I think he really just wants Plastics to build a crap hole.

Haha you’re knee deep in…other people’s shit

Mina Streep is once again over-thinking her case and trying to bring what looks like a HAZMAT suit to her house call patient. I thought this facility had like, no medicine or equipment? Why do they have that? Just a logistical question. Ben shoots her down flat and sends her off with a standard medical kit, and makes her take the Nudist Vampire with her.

Back with the snake couple. Lily suggests sedating the snake, so they get ready to put it snake to bed, but then the victim says he’s in pain, and Sawyer realizes that the guy’s got a crushed pelvis, only being held together by the snake. Sorry buddy, looks like you’re going to be intimate with that snake for a little while longer. They decide to take him back to the Clinica for surgery as is.

Meanwhile, Doc Ryan chats up a storm with Windchime boy. Seems he grew up in an artist colony in Venezuela. After astutely figuring out that Mina doesn’t speak Spanish (I guess the fact that she didn’t understand anything the boy said tipped her off), she says she learned it because her parents were missionaries, and she’s had an amazing, perfect, exciting life. I wonder how they would feel to know they raised a vampire. Mina says she prefers to work alone in the field- or in other words, STFU.

God stop sparkling (both literally and proverbially) at me! You’re giving me a headache.

Dr. Plastics sits and watches Latino translator Charlie dig the latrine for him, as any self-respecting rich white man should. He catches a glimpse of a pretty girl sitting on a rock wearing a Brazil soccer jersey. He calls out to her, and she promptly spazzes out and falls into the river. For some reason no one around wants to help him save the girl. Perhaps we’ve found the town leper? Fun times.

Maybe if I pretend to drown he’ll leave me alone

Streep Jr. diagnoses her patient as having pneumonia. WARNING, this is a dramatization: Oh no, she has too much mucus building up, Mina says. Too bad there’s no steam tent around… “Haha you dumb pasty bitch, that’s what you think,” replies Ryan mysteriously. END DRAMATIZATION. Victoria creates a makeshift steam tent to help the pneumonia girl, much to the chagrin of Failed Meryl, who cares more about outshining the Vamp than helping the patient. But before she can say, “Well my mom’s more famous than your mom!” the brother keels over as well.

Sofia, the village outcast, wakes up and refuses Dr. Tommy’s help with her epilepsy. Apparently she’s called a loser because she has a scar on her face. Didn’t prevent Scarface from running the Miami drug smuggling operation, but I guess we’re just less superficial in America (pfft yeah right).

When Tommy tries to explain that the medicine will make her seizures say “adios!” the local witch doctor called Papa does not approve. His professional medical opinion is that demons come in through her scar and cause her to seize. Man, if every scar was a demon portal Buffy would sure have a lot more work.

Largest known Hellmouth in the Southern Hempishpere, located on my chin

Pneumonia girl’s brother is actually super sick, but he didn’t tell them because he wanted them to focus on his sister. He doesn’t respond to the meds, and they can’t save him.

Wow I totally forgot about the guy constricted by the anaconda. He seems like kind of the most urgent patient too, amirite? Everyone is wading through the river while carrying him, but he falls off into the water, the snake detaches, and he is screwed. They have to make a tourniquet to keep him from bleeding out, so Sawyer goes medieval on the stretcher. The girlfriend notices that Lily has a huge freaking snake bite on her arm. For some reason I would have thought she’d, I don’t know, FEEL that, but whatever.

Now my whole daily routine is thrown off! Might as well slit my wrists and finish the job.

Ryan/Victoria confronts Meryl about how she fled the scene instead of comforting the sister after her brother’s death. She just wants to know where the morgue/coroner is (fat chance, honey), and Victoria tells her she needs to be more human to be a doctor around here. When a vampire is telling you that you need to be more human, I’d take her words to heart.

Ben is once again angry with Dipshit because of his crappy handling of Papa, who is very important to the community. Dipshit and soulless Meryl Jr. commiserate over how much they suck, until Dippy remembers he has to go to the bathroom. Oh wait, I meant build a bathroom. The way he hopped up and ran away while shouting, “oh crap! The bathroom!” got me confused.

Nature’s calling! We know who the first one to use that latrine will be

Anaconda boy finally gets to the Clinica, where he goes into the OR. He has a femoral bleed that wasn’t there before, so they investigate. Turns out he had an engagement ring in his pocket that dug into his skin and caused the bleed. His girlfriend will be so happy to know that she caused her boyfriend to almost die. Lily wants him to be able to propose in case he kicks the bucket, so she brings the gf in, who becomes the fiancée.

See, marriage is deadly!

While Tommy works on the latrine, Charlie comes to inform him that Ben smoothed things over with the medicine man, who agreed to give Sophia the epilepsy meds. However, Charlie says she’ll still be an outcast because of the demon-producing scar. Tommy runs off to see Papa and beg him (he’s been doing a lot of begging this ep) to let him try treating Sophia again. Papa says that Ben told him Tommy was dropped on his head as a child, and things haven’t been right since. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Things aren’t looking so good for Anaconda Man, who needs an injection to his heart. Mini Meryl asks them to let her do it, apparently she’s really good at sticking people, and at her old hospital they called her “the sadist.” Congrats, I think we’ve found a new nickname for you.

Remind me not to get on her badside…

Tommy has just finished suturing Sophia’s face, making her scar completely vanish. Well, I guess he’s not in plastics just to give girls bigger boobs. Actually, never mind that.

They should change his title to Tommy Fuller, M.D./Inter-dimensional Demonic-Portal Closer

While they’re cleaning up, Victoria tells the Sadist that she’s a good doctor, but not a very good physician, meaning that a doctor treats but a physician heals.

As he’s fixing her snake bite, Sawyer sees Lily’s mantra text (see above). She explains that she had got up in the morning once to find her fiancée had eaten all the cereal and made him go out and get her some more on his bike. He texted that to her, and then got hit by a car and died. I guess that explains her freak-out earlier with the chicken eating her cereal. After she’s all sewn up, she decides she doesn’t need the morbid text anymore and throws away her phone.

Maybe I’ll finally stop getting those “Reply YES if you’re horny” texts at 3 AM

Dr. Z (where was she this entire episode?) accepts Ben’s offer of a nighttime “walk,” she kisses him, and they walk off arm in arm. It’s almost unbelievable how much I don’t care about them. Maybe it’s because they are both in each episode for a combined total of around four minutes.

Just try to tell me he’s not looking at her ass

Victoria tells Sawyer she can see in his face that he likes the new girl (meaning Lily, the Sadist is too uptight and bitchy to unclench her vaj for anyone). He looks at her in disbelief. Thanks for stating what everyone already knew from the first 15 minutes of this show.

Lily wakes to find Plastics canoodling in the shower with another European tourist slut, so she thinks, “Fuck it,” and showers in the rainforest waterfall previously claimed by Victoria. But alas, this is a Shonda Rimes production, so two seconds can’t go by without some interaction between potential lovers, and Sawyer wanders into her bathing spot. She asks him if he saw everything, which of course he did. And thus ends the second installment of Off the Map.

Thoughts? Was the second episode better, worse, or the same as the first one? Are people still sticking with the show? It’s basically shaping up to be just what I expected, although I have to say, the amount of sexy time in the first two episodes, being almost none (only Tommy in the shower twice) is dramatically less than I had expected, if Grey’s is any indication. Until next time!

L-Money