Off the Map: Drugs, Drugs, Everywhere

Episode 7 of Off the Map! Let’s see if it will stand up to last week’s above-average ep.

Sawyer= Dr. Ben (hot white doctor with a sometimes-Australian accent)

Ben = Dr. Otis (black doctor whose name was Ben when he was on Grey’s)

Meryl Jr. etc./The Sadist= Mina (blonde daughter of Meryl Streep)

Plastics/Douchebag/Dipshit etc.= Tommy (sexist plastic surgeon)

Victoria/Vampire= Dr. Ryan (redhead who played Victoria in Twilight)

Dr. Z= Dr. Zeiatailablerz (I still don’t know what her name really is)

Lily= …Lily. She’s too boring to have her own nickname.

Sawyer calls in to the rescue team to tell them about the crashed helicopter. He then realizes that Lily is missing from all the fun. Where is she again?

Oh yeah

She wants to get a drink with him, but he says they shouldn’t be together in public in case the cops see them. She don’t care though, cuz she’s “dating Batman.” Before they can head to the BatCave for more sexy time, Lily gets a page about the medevac. Way to cock block, Sawyer.

On the way to the helicopter, Ben is shakier than…, so Sawyer asks if he fell off the heroin wagon. No response. They start pulling people out of the chopper, and it seems like mostly everyone is still alive, but one of the sisters was thrown out when the door blew off. Of course it was the sister with the swollen eye, ugly people never last long in TV land (and especially in Shonda Land). They move to the pilot, who says he thinks he’s stuck in his seatbelt:

Are those what seat belts look like in South America? Remind me never to drive there

As the Sadist holds the guts of Julio (appendicitis guy from last ep) in her hands and tries to keep his wound closed, Lily finally pulls up on the back of Mateo’s motorcycle. Sadist asks, “What have you been doing?”

I believe the question is whom not what

Lily notices a flame start on the helicopter, and just in the nick of time Sawyer, Ben, and the impaled pilot get out.

Someone’s been watching a little too much 24

Victoria is super determined to find the girl who fell out of the chopper, seeing as she is basically her from 20 years ago. But Sawyer doesn’t know that. She tells Sawyer she’s sorry she didn’t respond to his declaration that he wants to be with her, but he says it’s fine to save for another time. Then Ben gets all on her case about her deadly disease, but she retorts about his trembling (drug-induced?) hands. He shuts up.

Back at the Clinica, the Sadist tells Julio’s wife Lynn that he’s OK, but she suddenly collapses onto the Sadist, saying she can’t feel her legs. The Sadist tries to contain her disgust at such close human contact, but it’s a lost cause.

If I barf in your hair will it be a fair trade for you touching me?

The search party for Felicia (swollen eye) gives up, but Victoria keeps going, and at the Clinica their mother won’t let them out of her sight. I’m also pretty sure the mother normally plays a nurse on Grey’s.

The Sadist gleefully pokes at Lynn’s legs with a needle, supposedly to try and see if she feels anything. I think she just likes having a human pincushion. She determines it’s a spinal cord injury and, what a surprise, they’ll have to operate.

Ow! That’s my chest, not my leg! Ow, my arm! I FEEL THAT!

In the OR with Julio, Sawyer mentions he saw Mateo at the crash site. Lily apologizes and says it’ll never happen again. Why do I doubt that?

Dipshit sees Charlie hanging around again, and gets mad at him, telling him he should go home and not try to be a doctor. Boooo, in this hack medical “clinic” I think you need all the help you can get, even if it comes from wannabe 15 year olds.

Sawyer and Ben are telling the pilot the helicopter shard miraculously missed any major organs and he’s stable, but they obvs want to get it out as soon as possible. He refuses, saying the OR should be kept for the people who really need it, like missing Felicia. If you ask me, having a huge metal shard stuck in your abdomen is pretty urgent to me, but hey, I’m not a doctor.

Just a flesh wound

The Sadist approaches Ben and tells him he has to perform the spinal procedure on Lynn soon, and she found a book to show him how it’s done. Prediction: he’s going to agree, but then when they’re in the OR he’s gonna realize he can’t do such delicate nerve work with his shaky-ass hands and bail. Any takers? Shot to his hands shaking while he holds a clipboard. Predictable storytelling for the win!

And as Dr. Trembles performs the surgery, it seems to be going pretty well until the shakes come back, but he hides it by having the Sadist finish up.

Victoria’s hacking her way through the jungle trying to find Felicia, and yelling at God in an “Are You There It’s Me Margeret” kind of way. She’s mad about her illness, and Sawyer finally committing, and says she’ll be uber pissed if there’s no master plan. Apparently God doesn’t like to be yelled at, because the next second she slips and falls off a mini-cliff.

I’m here bitch, and don’t like your attitude

But maybe God doesn’t hate vampires after all, as she finds Felicia crouched in the trees a few feet away from where she fell. Thank you?

Appearently Charlie doesn’t have a family, as his parents abandoned him, so the Clinica gave him a job and a room. Dr. Douchebag feels even douchier for sending him away and being a jerk.

Victoria is piggy-backing Felicia through the jungle (seems she hurt her ankle), but then she falls down clutching her chest. She’s overexerting herself and her weak heart doesn’t like it. She shoots herself up with some lidocaine and feels better.

They begin surgery on the pilot, and before they really do anything blood spurts out- they’ve cut an artery. Great job doctors! They’re working to fix him, and Sawyer tells Ben to pull the rotor out as “steady as he’s ever been.”

If by “steadiest you’ve ever been” you mean “so shaky you can’t take a not-blurry photograph” then I’m your man!

Ben admits he can’t do that, so they run to get a less Parkinson’s-inspired hand.

Lynn is awake, and it seems the surgery worked, as the Sadist tickles her toes with a Q-Tip and they move (although I can detect some disappointment that she can’t use a needle anymore). But something’s wrong, as Lynn starts laughing maniacally at a not-very funny joke, and doesn’t stop. There’s blood building up under her brain from the trauma of surgery, and they need to relive the pressure.

Lily finds some scary-looking torture device that turns out to be a skull drill, and they drill away.

Dipshit is running around trying to find someonw with a steady hand, but Sadist and Lily are tied up with Lynn’s brain. Let me guess, he’s gonna end up getting Charlie to do it?

I win!

Charlie comes in and saves the day. Yay for child labor!

The Sadist is done with Lynn’s brain, but they’re not sure she’s ever going to get better. Julio tells Sadist that they made their relationship work against all odds; they fit the square peg into the round hole (oooh kinky!). So he’ll believe in a medical miracle.

Victoria returns triumphantly with Felicia, but her mother takes her away and says they won’t do anything more to her.

The pilot has woken up, but he can’t move one of his feet, which means he can’t be a pilot again unless he does a lot of physical therapy. His co-pilot/BFF says he’ll stick with him, and they have a tender moment. Aw, bromances are so cute, no matter what country they’re in.

Yo man, I gotchu. I got some Smirnoff Ices in the back for when you get out.

Z makes her first significant appearance of the episode and tells Victoria she knows about her illness. It seems her mystical South American powers enabled her to figure it out. She should use those to get the writers to give her a substantial role in an episode for once.

Unfortunately, all the believing in the world wasn’t enough to save Lynn, as her bran was too damaged, and she dies. Sad horns for the Sadist, who felt some sort of connection with her (unbelievable, I know).

Ben goes to see Sawyer, gives him the bag o’smack he had in his pocket, and says he didn’t use it although he really reeeeally wanted to. In return, Sawyer gives him some candy canes. Ben berates him for getting grape, saying ladies don’t like purple mouths, they like orange. Does that explain why women inexplicably like the Jersey Shore guidos?

GTL baby, words to live by

Victoria says goodbye to Felicia, and tells her to go to the doctors and get better. She should take her own advice, IMO.

Ugggh time for another personal story from Dipshit. He tells some Charlie something about his childhood pet hamster dying under his bed. Is he comparing Charlie to a dumb rodent? Either way it makes no sense. He says he wants to make sure Charlie has a real home that isn’t the floor under a lab table. So Charlie takes him there.

I’ll mirror Dipshit’s face: WTF?

Oh, he house-sits for some rich people who never use their condo. Take that, Dipshit!

Sawyer tells Lily she has great…instincts. Ben comforts Sadist about Lynn. Sawyer examines Victoria and tells her she’s in heart failure. Sorry for being brief, this whole part was just such a snooze.

So now we see Lily driving up to Mateo’s shack. He tells her she shouldn’t have come. Hmm, does he have a family? Is Lily his dirty mistress? Is this Grey’s Anatomy all over again? No, it’s worse! He grows, coca, which is what they make cocaine from! He’s a coke grower!

Whoa. Charlie Sheen, eat your heart out.

Oh Mateo, why did you have to do this to me? I knew you were too good to be true (and your other story was suspicious). Well I have to say, after last episode, which was pretty good, this was a mega let down. I just wasn’t interested at all by any of the storylines. I guess this is how the show will normally be, mediocre with a few hints of greatness now and then.

What does everyone think? Will Victoria actually die? Will Lily dump Mateo/turn him into the Polizia?

Thanks for all the comment love (I’m especially looking at you, Carol)! I will be taking a break next week, as it’s my birthday weekend and I have a crap-ton of a lot of un-fun things to do, so someone will be taking over next week’s episode.

Thanks for reading!

L-Money