Off the Map: Lateo is Back!

***Please welcome back L-Money from her Spring Break vacay! Double recap part one. We missed you, girl!

It starts with the Sadist and Dipshit arguing about something like a married couple while Lily sits back and watches gleefully. Seems that Dipshit ate all the bagels that Sadist’s mommy had sent her from NYC. Ok, I’m from New York, and I would be rightfully PISSED if someone had eaten all my delicious NY bagels. I’m with you on this one, Sadist.

Ben tells Z she’s afraid of being hurt by him, that’s why she won’t be with him. She feebly disagrees. Still don’t care about that couple at all.

Ben sends the two bagel-hogging lovebirds to help some people who are building a church. I hope the presence there of the Sadist won’t desecrate the holy land or anything.

Sodom and Gomorrah, meet thy maker

Clark is yelling at a guy who is suturing up people and acting like a doctor at the Clinica even though he doesn’t work there, but Clark did you get a look at him? Boy is fiiiiiine! And he has a real Australian accent, unlike some other characters on this show *cough cough Sawyer cough cough.*

You can suture me with dental floss any time you want

His name is Jonah Simpson, he was one of the original doctors who started the Clinica. He wants them to do a kidney transplant, even though it was only a few weeks ago some woman almost died of asthma. We’ll see how that goes.

Mateo’s mother is leaving the Clinica, and she does the whole Overbearing-Jewish Mother thing (Jewish, South American, what’s the diff?) and gushes about Lily to Mateo and vice versa. He tells Lily she doesn’t understand why they aren’t together, ignoring their little drug farm in the backyard. She actually might be rejecting him because he’s been making herp derp faces like this, though.

You’re still hot, but getting less appealing by the ep

An woman has brought in her father Domingo who went to bed fine and woke up on the stoop with a gnarly twisted leg. He says he doesn’t know what happened, but I think I do. It’s called 2 For 1 Night at the Cantina. But on a darker note, he’s got some bruises on his body (also “no se”), and the implication is they may be from his dominating little girl.

Tommy and Sadist show up at the church site, where the lead missionary Christopher (call me “Pher”) insults the Sadist with his optimism and piety. Although it is pretty dumb of him to not know that the water in third world countries is rife with diarrhea-causing parasites. Just as he’s telling them they can succeed despite their lack of experience, the building collapses. Looks like God is really empowering you today, Pher.

And as Sadist and Tommy are treating some victims, Pher walks over to her and shows her some bloody things in his hands. What are those you might ask?

Just his toes. Nbd.

Even the Sadist is sickened, and this is the girl who probably boils puppies alive for fun.

Lily talks to the girl who is giving her uncle her kidney for Dr. Crikey’s kidney switcheroo. Then it’s into the OR, where Ben is super jealous of the sizzling bromance going on between the two docs. It’s as hot as the sizzling steaks at Outback. Australia, Outback, get it? Sigh.

Sadist and Phuller try to phigure out how to phix Pher’s phoot, but his ramshackle construction site is sorely lacking anything of medical value. Somehow, the Sadist’s bitchy attitude and overbearing-ness turn Pher on. The good Christian is attracted to the Spawn of Satan? Oooh scandal! But Dipshit tells him that the Sadist isn’t single. What does that mean, hmm? Also, ew that all these guys find her boner-inducing. Also, ew that I just wrote that.

Face of an angel, that one has

It’s post-kidney transplant, and the girl it doing well, but the truth comes out that the guy that received the kidney is not her uncle. He’s not related to her at all, he was just paying her to give him the organ. Which is obviously a big ethical no-no. Bright side is maybe she’ll be able to afford to get her eyebrows waxed with the money she made from the black market organ trade.

The Korean ladies at my salon would plotz over these caterpillars

Z confronts Domingo’s daughter about the possible abuse, but Ben interrupts her to say that Domingo is apparently doing the nasty, and that’s what’s giving him the bruises. I knew there was something dominatrix-y going on! Domingo is being dominated, and he likes it!

Lily tells the Aussie Bros about the kidney con, and then Eduardo (the kidney recipient) has started rejecting the kidney, so he has to go back into surgery. Then the truth really comes out. Jonah knew about everything, but went through with it because he was getting paid $10,000, too. I knew he was too cute to be innocent. And although they try, Eduardo dies on the table. Lily tells the donor girl he died, but she doesn’t regret trying for the chance to make money. Lily gives her some money from her wallet out of pity- she is a kidney whore, after all.

Dipshit and Sadist reattach Pher’s toes as a stopgap to prevent him bleeding out until he gets back to the Clinica. He grabs her hand because of the pain, and she looks appropriately disgusted. Back at the Clinica, Fuller sews up his foot while he sings a song for her. Once, again, the disgust returns.

If I had to suffer his awful song writing, I might look like that, too

Domingo’s daughter finds the woman her dad has been boinking and brings her to the Clinica- she’s his new caretaker now, she says. And with that, she’s outta there!

Dios mio, what have I gotten myself into? I just wanted a good lay

Dr. Dipshit whines to Lily about how he’s jealous over the Jesus freak’s dirty folk sex appeal, and that he only wants the Sadist to be riding his lovestick. Lily unexpectedly tells him to go for it. Ugh, does that mean we’re going to have to deal with more shots of their naked pale bodies? At this point Pher is looking like the better option. At least he’s probably more conservative with when and where he has sex.

As Jonah (booo) leaves, Sawyer tells him he can’t believe he’s sunk so low, but Jonah counters with how he’s using comatose wife Abby to fund the Clinica. Oh, low blow bro. From then it’s on.

Is it wrong if I find this kind of hot?

Lily goes out to see Mateo’s mother, who called complaining of some lupus problems, but when she gets there it turns out it’s all a ploy to get Lily to stay there with Mateo. That woman is crafty, I like it! And just like any good mother, she makes the kids dinner. The romantic candlelight by the field of illegal drugs really gets the juices flowing, and Lily plants a big one on Mateo. Hooray for the return of Lateo! Lilteo? Mily?

Wouldn’t this much coke make anyone horny? And not just Charlie Sheen.

Pher meets up with the Sadist at the Cantina, where she insists that she isn’t seeing Dipshit without his polo shirts on anymore. So later, when said Douche returns home, he finds this, and I throw up a little in my mouth.

That’s what you get for eating her bagels!

After demonstrating some hip-safe sexual positions for Domingo and his lady friend, Z is hot to trot and gets it on with Ben in the supply closet in true Grey’s Anatomy style. So it seems BenZ is back on. Woo hoo?

And with that we’re done. I just realized that we are sorely missing couple nicknames for this show!

How about:

Lateo- Lily and Mateo

Dipsadist or Sadeshit- Duh (also, what happened to Alma? Was she just written out of the show?)

BenZ- Ben and Z

Vawyer or Sawtoria- Sawyer and Victoria

Also, Victoria was in this episode, I just never mentioned her because she was boring and inconsequential. Sorry again for the lateness, thanks for reading!

<3 L-Money