Off the Map: Meryl Streep Raised a Psycho

Recap of the third episode of Off the Map! Nickname reminder:

Sawyer= Dr. Ben (hot white doctor with a sometimes-Australian accent)

Ben = Dr. Otis (black doctor whose name was Ben when he was on Grey’s)

Meryl Jr. etc./The Sadist= Mina (blonde daughter of Meryl Streep)

Plastics/Douchebag/Dipshit etc.= Tommy (sexist plastic surgeon)

Victoria/Vampire= Dr. Ryan (redhead who played Victoria in Twilight)

Dr. Z= Dr. Zeiatailablerz (I still don’t know what her name really is)

Lily= …Lily. She’s too boring to have her own nickname.

Ben is waiting on line for some sort of food at what looks like a carnival, surrounded by a bunch of South American brats.

I feel like I’m waiting on line at the immigration office…

Enter Sawyer. Cue some banter about their respective sexual partners (Victoria for Sawyer and Z for Ben). Hmmm the white guy is with a white woman and the black guy is with a Hispanic one…way to subvert racial stereotypes, Shonda. Some lightbulbs explode when a guy is trying to string them up, but he’s fine.

Dr. Z, in a think the longest she’s ever been in an episode so far, is teaching the newbies about the different medicinal plants they have available to them. Ex: a leaf that works as a “very potent male aphrodisiac.” Right on cue, the Douche takes his first opportunity to make a fool of himself, calling out to Victoria while chewing on said leaf. Then Z tells him it’s used to treat ED.

Unfortunately that doesn’t stand for Excessive Douchebaggery

Because of the aforementioned festival, there aren’t many patients at the Clinica. Lily sucks up to Sawyer, saying she read his book twice, and he’s just soooo dreamy, and she wants to have all of his faux-Australian babies. Then Ben says there’s been a car crash, and like the good people they are, the Sadist and the Douche cheer. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want these doctors treating my dog.

Ooooh but bad luck bears for the Sadist, as she gets left behind. She’ll have to get her sadistic kicks from some other horribly mangled victims.

They left me behind! I can’t believe…wait, are those some kids I could “accidentally” run over?

A young man and woman were in the car crash, and the woman is pregnant and conveniently in labor. They start to carry away the woman on a stretcher, but her boyfriend (named Bobby, there’s Tommy, Bobby, Lily, can’t they think of any more interesting names?) runs back to the car to get her iPod that has her birthing playlist. If I were here, that would be filled with Sinead O’Connor, Joan Jett, and every kick ass woman that ever sang about hating men. As he heads to the Jeep, he’s trapped in a mudslide.

I usually like mudslides when I get them at the Cantina….

He’s trapped beneath a giant tree, but he’s still talking and moving around and everything, so I guess that’s a good sign. Ms. Preggers wants to stay with him, but unfortch she’s in the middle of having a freaking baby, and has to go back to the Clinica.

The Sadist is showing her crazy side again when she starts organizing the files at the Clinica, spouting some stuff about how bad filing causes hospital errors. She sounds like those videos from the 1980s that they show in the workplace that double as naptime aids. Ben is mad because he says he did have a filing system- they were filed by village, not name. He tells her to go relax at the festival and connect with the community, but she doesn’t want to, because “partying won’t make her a better doctor.” But it might, as Ben very eloquently puts it, “Get that stick out of your ass.” Man, she’s such an unlikable character.

Option 2 is I kill you in your sleep, what’s it gonna be (please pick the latter)?

Preggers is talking about the birth plan they had, with aromatherapy and music and (I can assume) an epidural. Dr. Z makes another one of her great “I hate Americans” comments- “Ay you Americans with your birth plans. Here the plan is to squat in a bush and get back to work.” So having a baby is functionally the same as taking a bathroom break? I’m sure that leads to many healthy, emotionally stable children in the village. As the best laid plans tend to do, this one goes awry, and they need to do an emergency C section.

Tommy updates Bobby about his wife’s condition, saying the rescue team will be there soon. Then Victoria appears out of the forest (quite Twilight-esque, no?) carrying a mini-tree she chopped down with a machete. Dipshit starts taking off his shirt, but Victoria shoots him down flat.

Sorry, I only like men who drink blood AND have six pack abs

The tree lever works, and they pull Bobby out. All seems fine, until he spits up blood. Victoria’s eyes light up at the sight, but she restrains herself. He’s bleeding in his lungs, so they try to help while Vicky walks away to call the rescue team. After some bro talk about how awesome the women down there are (including comparing it to an International All-You-Can-Eat Buffet, fist pump!), Bobby tells Dipshit about when he took a year off to “surf and screw.” But it all meant nothing, until he met Sydney (Preggers) and it was the best thing eva. Then Bobby coughs, and Dippy remembers he’s supposed to be practicing medicine.

Oh yeah, you’re like sick, right?

Ben and Z flirt. Snooze.

They’re getting Sydney ready for surgery, and she’s nervous, but Lily tells her that she’ll walk her through every step of the way so she won’t be scared.

Back to the Sadist, who’s trying to unclench at the festival. Translator Charlie appears, saying “Hey blondie, sup?” She says he sounds like Tommy, and it’s true. Noooooo, don’t let him teach the young impressionable natives his assholish American ways! She continues to ruin all the fun by saying she’d rather be working, but she’s been placed on a time-out. Luckily for her, a horrible accident occurs. Some sparks fly off of some electrical thing and hit a guy, who steps in a puddle and gets blown across the street. And I have to say, the look on of joy on Sadist’s face when this happens is terrifying. She’s sure living up to her nickname; I’ve never seen someone look so happy about burning flesh. Except maybe Hitler.

Like a kid opening presents on Christmas morning. Just 100x more insane.

Because of all this electrifyingly exciting action, the lights go out at the Clinica in the middle of Sydney’s C section. They light up the OR with candles, all the sudden making this birth look more like a séance. It’s good, because Syndey is sure going to need some otherworldly help to deliver a healthy baby after a car accident, power outage, C section, and horny incompetent doctors. To make her feel even better, they tell her that the rescue team never made it to save her hubby, so he’s still out in the jungle with Victoria and Plastics. Why don’t they tell her Victoria’s a vampire, I’m sure that would calm her down too!

WTF is wrong with you people? We should’ve just gone to Cuba.

They wheel the Sadist’s meal ticket over to the Clinica on a cart filled with taco meat. Meals on wheels! Oh no I’m beginning to sound like her…They decide they have to cut off the burned skin to relieve the pressure on his chest. Sadist can’t believe that the jolt didn’t kill him, and I detect more than a passing hint of disappointment in her voice.

Back in the jungle, Victoria has managed to prevent herself from sucking Bobby dry, but it doesn’t matter because he’s still getting worse and passes out. They intubate him (everything I know about medicine I learned from Grey’s!). Sydney wants to speak to him on the radio, but obvs that’s not gonna happen, so Sawyer just passes on the message that he said they could name their baby Max, even though he wanted Diego. Go Diego Go! So Diego? No!

They deliver the baby. It looks as hideous as every other newborn baby ever did.

I prefer Simba

Actually it looks more hideous, because it’s yellow! Did Syndey lie to Bobby? Is the father really an Asian man? Find out next time on Off the Birth Control! Just kidding. The baby has jaundice, so they take it away. Just as you thought things couldn’t possibly get worse, Sydney starts passing out because she’s bleeding.

Sadist and Ben are still working on the electrocuted dude, and she’s still in disbelief because “anyone else would be a fried chicken right now.” She starts babbling some tests she’s going to run, and Ben very wisely asks “You didn’t shock him just so you could come back to work, did you?” She probably did! Don’t let your guard down, you’ll end up naked in the jungle with a missing kidney! The man starts telling her about this woman he loves at the festival, and Charlie says he likes a girl, too, but she doesn’t even know his name. It does no good with the cold block of ice that the Sadist calls a heart.

Sawyer and Lily have gotten the mother’s bleeding under control, but unfortunately Yellow Baby Max is going to die if he doesn’t get a blood confusion. The baby is blood type B+. The secret Asian grandfather of this child is very disappoint.

Sydney can’t give the blood, seeing how she just lost most of hers, so Lily has the brilliant suggestion of the father donating it. Why none of the other doctors thought of it, I have no idea.

Despite all their hard work, Bobby goes brain dead. Sawyer calls Victoria and tells her to hold off feasting because they need to carry him back and get his blood. She’s not happy about it, but they re-intubate him. A car comes along and Victoria makes it stop by standing in its path. What does she care, she won’t die anyway unless her head is cut off and thrown in a fire.

Lily is pissed when she finds out Sawyer lied to her in the OR and told her Bobby was doing well when really he was in respiratory failure and dying. He says it’s at least better that he’s brain dead and there’s no “grey area,” meaning it’s not like they can hook him up to machines and hope he recovers. Lily is disgusted. How much you wanna bet her fiancée was brain dead after getting hit by that car?

The romantic lightning rod starts passing out, but then miraculously gets better. Sadist is appropriately dismayed. She tries to think of what could cause his symptoms, and Charlie tells her he sits by the river to watch for the girl. She bitchily tells him to STFU, but then he turns out to be the best doctor of them all by reminding her that mosquitos live by the river and carry disease. Screw Harvard Medical, give this kid a stethoscope and name him the South American Doogie Houser.

Neil Patrick Harris, meet your replacement

Sydney wakes up, and Lily has to break the bad news about Bobby. Sydney says to give the baby the blood transfusion, but she doesn’t want it and would rather die. Way to be a great mom! They give the baby blood. It gets better. Tommy talks to Sydney, and tells her that Bobby loved her and wouldn’t have wanted her to give up like this. She agrees and gets the transfusion.

The Sadist walks over to Jorge (electrocuted) with a pep in her step, and says, I kid you not, “Great news, you’ve got malaria!” There is seriously, seriously something wrong with her. Apparently he has a rare strain of the disease that causes enlarged spleen and slow heart rate, so although he should have died twice, he didn’t.

Now that all that annoying medical stuff is over, Charlie walks over to Lily and asks her if she knows his name. Aaah omg she’s the girl he likes! At least it’s not the Sadist. Seems like she would be slightly robbing the cradle is she were to be with him though.

Ben tells Sadist that she acted like an addict while treating Jorge, and tells her that everyone has someone they misdiagnosed. He says that work won’t make you feel better, only partying. So let’s go get wasted!! They go to the festival and he sees Z, for her grand second (or third? Either way she’s insignificant) appearance in the episode. She agrees to dance.

If it’ll get me more screen time…

Charlie and Sadist find the girl that Jorge loves and tell her to go to him at the Clinica. It’s very cute, and gives me an iota more faith in Sadist being a human and not a fembot. Tommy and the bartender flirt, despite only having one word both can understand- “Hola.” Ahhh, the language of love.

Victoria tells Lily that Sawyer lost his wife and kid a few years back, and that’s why he was so messed up while treating Sydney. Victoria is quickly shaping up to be the most human character on this show, who woulda guessed? She crawls into bed with him, after seeing he had been drinking, and he mutters “Abby…” Victoria looks sad. Or hungry.

She’s either about to cry or bite his neck

And that’s all she (meaning Shonda) wrote! Morale of this episode? Mina is cray cray! Thanks for reading, see you next week!

L-Money