Off the Map: My Eyes, They Bleed!

Sorry this is coming so late, I’ve had a crazy few weeks. Forgive me for depriving you all of Dipshit and the Sadist for so long.

Here’s a quick recap of the episode from 2 weeks ago (It’s A Leaf):

Lily freaks out about Mateo growing coca. To be expected. Moving on.

Dipshit realizes that he and Alma are from different worlds and it probably won’t work between them. The fact that she doesn’t understand anything he says should have tipped her off. Lovers from different walks of life can work. What about Romeo and Juliet? Catherine and Heathcliff? Jack and Rose? They all worked out in the end, right?

Sadist’s worst nightmare comes true: she gets put on baby-catching duty. Of course she screws up what should have been an easy job and ends up becoming the baby’s god-mother. Those poor Quechua people don’t realize they’ve just doomed their baby.

Lily goes with Ben to rescue some guys who went down a mine searching for gold. There’s an explosion while Ben is down there and this happens:

I knew I shouldn’t have have watched 2 Girls 1 Cup!

His eyes will recover in a week, but the trauma made him realize he really wants Z back. They kiss (sort of) and are now back together (sort of).

Sawyer tries to get Victoria to go to NY to get a heart transplant. She’s reluctant but agrees at the end, although it turns out the reason she didn’t want to go is that she won’t be able to return to the jungle afterwards because of the immuno-suppresants she’ll be on. Good, the jungle could use less vampires.

Dipshit treats a guy with ALS who has deluded himself into thinking some con-artist doctor’s treatment will cure him.

Lily dumps Mateo, I think? Maybe it’s because he suddenly became a huge greaseball.

I know South America is ages behind in American culture, but the greaser movement has been over for 50 years, get with the program.

Sadist goes to the post-birth celebration wearing a traditional dress and looks like a fool. She and Dipshit get drunk and this happens:

Well, it’s doctor sex I guess, but why did it have to be these two?

I feel like Ben with his bleeding eyes. I know it’s been built up enough, but still. So un-wanted. And that’s the end.

And now here’s a longer, but still shorter than normal, recap of  the prior week’s ago’s ep (There’s Nothing to Fix).

All is peaceful in the morning until Z sees her plants are all messed up and the pots broken. She blames it on stupid animals.

Guess what, she’s right

She yells at them in Spanish and they skedaddle.

Sawyer talks to Victoria about her trip to NY to get her heart looked at. The doctors in the Big Apple will be surprised to see that it’s cold and dead, literally.

Ben congratulates himself for being in a gas explosion because it “opened the door” for him and Z and now all he has to do is “sneak back in.” I think there’s a song about people invading homes somewhere…

Btw he can’t operate for a week.

A boat on a river capsizes. Everyone’s okay except the one guy who got clipped by the propeller. But a lady who was on the boat says there was a teenager who isn’t accounted for. Lily goes to find him.

An American couple brings in the baby they just adopted because she’s sick, and they worry that they “broke” her. Don’t worry, you’ll have 18 more years to do that.

Victoria sends the Sadist to deal with a patient, saying he’s “right up her alley.” He has a huge lesion on his ass, is annoying, and apparently chauvinistic. So Sadist should like him then; she’s an ass, likes disgusting things, and loves verbally abusing obnoxious males.

True love

He owns a tourist trap pizza joint in town and has diabetes that he doesn’t take care of. Vicky says he needs someone “tough, brutal, and heartless” as his doctor, and I can’t think of anyone that fits that description better than the Sadist.

Ben pulls out the oldest trick in the book: using the baby to get Z to sleep with him. Too bad for him she’s wise to it, and he remains Blue Balls Ben for the time being.

Sadist tells Ass Guy about a diabetes patient she had whose toe fell off when she touched it. He asks her if she kept it for her “hope chest.” I bet she did, and I wouldn’t be surprised to find some other body parts and mummified small animals in there as well. He realizes he recognizes her as the girl who goes to his pizza shack almost every night and the staff talk about as a “legend of weirdness.” Wow, everyone is really hitting the nail on the head with their Sadist descriptions this episode!

Uh oh, bad news. The baby has leukemia. Ben tells them the best plan to help get her healthy, but Z says it may be better to give her back if they can’t handle a sick kid. They decide to stick with her, but I have a feeling that might change by the end of the ep.

Lily finds the teen in the river, struggling cuz he can’t swim. She tries to help but just falls in herself. I’m realizing more and more how incredibly useless she is, both in medicine and in having a purpose in this show.

Please, just drown, I promise no one will miss you

While helping sew up Propeller Guy with Sawyer, Dipshit expresses regret for screwing the Sadist, saying he’s dating Alma (sort of).

Oh guess what, I was right, the leukemia baby’s mother freaks out. But it’s not because the baby’s sick, it’s because she doesn’t want kids at all. She’s just been pretending for her husband’s sake. That’s pretty messed up, to agree to kids when you don’t want any just means you probably will be a crappy mother. Then again, Shonda Rimes loves crappy mothers.

Victoria and the Sadist joke about how horrible Ass Guy is, but the Sadist said he was right about her being a socially awkward chicken lady. Victoria mentions her tryst with Dipshit, and she makes this face.

Either she’s choking on pizza or someone told her it’s illegal to keep child slaves in your basement, even in South America.

Lily lets go of river kid and he floats away. Sawyer saves her but it’s too late for him- he’s gone.

Ben confronts Z about her pushing the parents of cancer baby to give her away, and she tells him that she has endometriosis, a disease of the uterus that causes the uterine walls to overgrow and prevents pregnancy (go high school science). So she’ll never be able to have kids.

Sadist goes in and yells at Ass Guy, telling him no on cares if he lives or dies. Then he starts coding and dies. Meet the Sadist, the only doctor capable of killing with words alone.

Propeller Guy starts flat-lining and Dipshit decides to transfuse him some of his own blood since they don’t have any at the moment.

Sick baby’s father (well not anymore) is still hanging around and concerned about the baby. His wife comes in and tells him they have to go, but he says he can’t, because he knows he is the baby’s father. She says “you can’t be her father and my husband,” and he’s ok with that. Well good riddance anyway, she seemed like a bitch. Although how is he going to support a cancer-ridden kid with no job or money…well, that’s not my problem. Not my baby not my problem, that’s what I always say.

Victoria is leaving for NY and Sadist tells her she’s gonna throw a funeral for Ass Guy, because, what a surprise, she relates to the sad, lonely, weirdo. Victoria says that the Sadist “might be the biggest humanitarian in the place.”

At first she was like:

And then realized what she said and LOL’d

Fuller giving Propeller Guy his blood has saved him. Sawyer is emo about Victoria leaving. Sadist has Ass Guy’s funeral, and then she and Dipshit tell Lily about their sexy time in the garden, as she seems to be the only one who hasn’t heard about it yet. Instead of laughing hysterically as one would probably do, she breaks down and cries. Why, I don’t know. Sad that she has no one to bone her since her boy toy turned out to be a coke grower? Sad that they didn’t invite her to make it a threesome? Sad that the Sadist can get action and she can’t? Sad that she has become less significant in this show than even Z?

Third-Wheel Lily is sad

Thanks for reading, sorry this took forever, this week’s ep should be up in the next few days. We only have to endure a couple more eps of this show, be strong!

L-Money