Off the Map: Vampires Love Nazis

Off the map episode 4! Wonder if we’ll get any actual doctor sex this time (Shonda you’ve disappointed me)! Nickname reminder:

Sawyer= Dr. Ben (hot white doctor with a sometimes-Australian accent)

Ben = Dr. Otis (black doctor whose name was Ben when he was on Grey’s)

Meryl Jr. etc./The Sadist= Mina (blonde daughter of Meryl Streep)

Plastics/Douchebag/Dipshit etc.= Tommy (sexist plastic surgeon)

Victoria/Vampire= Dr. Ryan (redhead who played Victoria in Twilight)

Dr. Z= Dr. Zeiatailablerz (I still don’t know what her name really is)

Lily= …Lily. Or Boring Lily. She’s too boring to have a good nickname.

The three n00bs are standing on a pier looking for something. Seems they are waiting for a delivery, and when the Sadist realizes what it is, she ain’t happy. It’s a dentist chair.

Dammit I was hoping for a new buzz saw! My old one has too much dried blood on it.

They realize one of them is going to be the dentist, “mopping up drool, flossing, holding kids’ hands…” And as she clearly lets us know, Sadist does NOT hold hands. Unless they’re already detached.

Meet the Sadist’s spirit animal

Just as they’re moaning about having to carry it up the hill, translator Charlie appears to save them in a dirty pick-up.

Ben and Z are walking through the jungle, and she tells him his messed-up wisdom tooth is the first thing that’s going to be fixed by their hack dentists. They literally sound like an old married couple. Maybe that’s why they’re so boring. They kiss and hear hacking. It’s Victoria getting medieval on some plants with a machete. Ben deduces she’s frustrated by Sawyer. They’re right.

Oh don’t mind me, just venting a little, it’s either this or I go on a killing spree through the town

The n00bs were wrong, there actually is a traveling dentist Hank who has come to the Clinica to provide his special brand of pain and suffering. The Sadist is very interested in this, and watches his procedures intently.

So, what if you do that without anesthesia…?

He apparently got screwed too many times (metaphorically, of course, you can never be screwed too many times) by his ex-wives so he came down to South America to pull teeth and party. The next patient is a sweet old grandpa guy with two little kids. He’s the teacher at the school house, and when the girl with him is afraid of the dentist, Hank asks the Sadist to take her hand. She looks like her favorite cat just died.

Can I please just rip out my eyes? It would be less painful and much more enjoyable.

Grandpa goes first instead, and Sadist notices a lesion in his mouth. But as soon as Hank goes to look at it, Grandpa starts gushing blood out of his mouth. That’ll make the little girl less afraid of the dentist!

Okay enough with the Sadist, although she is the most interesting character on the show. Now it’s Boring Lily’s turn. She’s with a woman who was given medicine from Sawyer for a leg infection, and the lady remarks on how crazy it is Sawyer’s still single. More talk about how cute he is, and how hard it must’ve been for him to go on after losing his family, etc. Snooze.

Yay the Sadist again! She’s with Grandpa, whose students are eagerly waiting for him through the windows of the Clinica. Sadist notices, and quickly shuts the blinds. Grandpa says that, “children love to learn if you bribe them with sugar.” Sadist looks sick at the idea of happy children.

Could you talk about happy children somewhere else? Your kindness is making me nauseous

Boring Lily walks over and sees Sawyer and Victoria flirting and kissing. Sorry babe, no one can resist the charms of a vampire. She tells Dipshit, and he of course is upset that Victoria is no longer available to be “seduced” by him. He tries and fails to comfort her. Sawyer walks in and tells her she needs to go to San Miguel to get the meds for her horny leg lady, and he’s coming with her, plus translator Charlie.

Great, five hours in a cramped car with the guy I like and the guy who likes me. At least we can play the license plate game!

Sadist is in the lab, and tells Victoria that her patient, Grandpa, has terminal oral cancer. Victoria tells her that with terminal patients, the Clinica usually just gives ‘em some pain meds and ships ‘em back home. In her own way, Sadist says she basically has a shitty bedside manner and wants this guy to be told properly, so Vicky tags along. When they tell him, he isn’t too depressed, but tells them to take his gold tooth fillings and gold jewelry, that he “took from someone else” Based on what he said earlier, Sadist figures out he came over from Hungary in 1947, and then it’s all out in the open. Grandpa’s a Nazi.

Shit just got REAL.

Sawyer and Charlie (who has a crush on Boring Lily) tell Lily that they’re gonna want money from her in San Miguel for the meds, but the Clinica doesn’t buy into bribes. She assures Sawyer that she’ll stay right on the straight and narrow, but then in a completely subtle way asks him how long he’s been dating Victoria. Cue awkward silence and more awkward description of their sex life from Charlie. They head off to the “big” city.

Sadist, Victoria, and Ben discuss what to do with Nazi Grandpa. Victoria suggests sucking his blood, Sadist wants to flay him alive, and Ben just stands and looks concerned. Just kidding. Victoria is upset because she’s known him for a long time and liked him, but the Sadist doesn’t care, and Ben decides they will contact the nearby Navy base to see what to do with him.

In the patient’s room, Ben and the Sadist discuss Nazi Grandpa’s fate. Although he would stand trial in theory, it seems he’s not going to make it through the night.

Now we come to Tommy, who is actually doing his job for once, when a guy pushes in and says he needs a doctor. He drags him into an office and shows him the problem. Really, Shonda? Another patient with a too-hard hard-on? Haven’t we gotten enough of those from you yet? In any case, it’s been up for six hours, and while that may seem ideal, in reality it sucks. Z comes over to help, but the patient, named Ilan, doesn’t want a nurse. Ohhh snap! After some Spanish back-sass, Z determines a banana spider bit him. Dipshit makes a lame joke about it being called a “banana” spider. Z is not amused.

With all the penis-themed humor out there, you had to go with “banana”?

The bartending girl named Alma from the festival (exchanged “Holas” with Tommy) shows up asking for Ilan. He’s her boyfriend. Tough luck Tommy.

Sawyer, Charlie, and Lily arrive in the city and go their separate ways. The people at the post office are about as helpful as post office workers are in the US. In other words, they’re anti-helpful.

Dipshit goes to the Sadist and starts whining about how he “really cares a lot about Alma,” despite the fact that he spoke with her once and all they said was “hola.” Sadist has bigger things on her mind, like the best way to eviscerate a sweet old Nazi.

So I’m like, totally upset, that she likes him and not me! What should I do girlfriend? Also, my boobs have been hurting a lot lately. Wait, why aren’t you listening to meeee?

Right on cue, the old guy starts bleeding again. He just wants to die, but the Sadist won’t let that happen. She overrides Victoria and takes him to an OR for surgery, even though the Nazi doesn’t want treatment.

Outside the Clinica, Dipshit starts hitting on Alma, saying that she deserves better than the douchebag Ilan (talk about your black  pots and kettles). Of course she doesn’t understand a word of it. Z comes in to break up the love fest, admonishing Dipshit for what he’s doing and telling him her family owns the Cantina, so she’s rich and doesn’t need his help. Guess he’ll have to find another “helpless” girl to make himself feel better about his man-whorish antics.

Ben and Victoria barge into the OR, where the Sadist is cutting open Nazi Grandpa’s throat with a scarily large knife. They tell her to stop, but she refuses, saying that he needs to stand trial for his actions so the families of the people he hurt can see his face. Ben decides to help Victoria leaves, but not before saying “Try not to enjoy it so much.”

Fat chance of that happening. Slicing open old-man throats is what the Sadist lives for

After being sent on a wild goose chase to get her paperwork stamped, Lily goes to the hospital that Sawyer’s at. She walks in on him caressing a patient’s hair. Oh wait, it’s not a patient, it’s his wife! Guess she’s not really dead after all, just dead in a Terry Schiavo way. Turns out she was shot in a robbery a few years ago and has been essentially in a coma ever since.

Lily starts telling him how wonderful a person he is, blah blah blah, but he stop her. He says the only reason she’s still hooked up to machines and married to him is that money from her trust fund is what keeps the Clinica alive.

Back with Erection Man, who isn’t being affected by the medicine they gave him. So they’re gonna have to stick a big ‘ol needle in his you-know-what. He doesn’t like it, but it beats impotence. To make him feel better, Dipshit tells him a story about him in college. It’s really not very interesting.

Ugh just give me the needle already if it will shut him up!

Lily decides to take matters into her own hands and go back to the customs office to get her stamp. The guy wants $200 and half of the Vicodin in the shipment. Lily flips a shit and tells him she’ll give him $50 or else she’ll never treat him if he gets sick, even if, as she says, he is “bleeding from both eyeballs.” It works, and she gets the meds.

Maybe Boring Lily should be renamed Crazy Lily?

Nazi Grandpa has woken up and wants to take his intubation tube out, but the Sadist won’t let him. She says the reason she’s so into this case isn’t because she lost anyone in the Holocaust (o rly Ms. Blonde, blue-eyed, pale girl?), but because when she screwed up and got kicked out of residency her big muckety-muck father pulled some strings and gave her a clean slate. Instead of starting over, she came to the Clinica to pay for her mistake, and she wants the Nazi to do the same thing.

Alma thanks Tommy for saving her boyfriend’s dick and kisses him on the cheek.

A hot guy named Matteo picks up the tab for Lily at the Cantina, who is pulling a Meredith Grey and getting drunk after a hard day. He gets her to stay and have a cerveza with him.

Forget sawyer, this guy’s great! He buys you alcohol and has a consistently dreamy foreign accent!

The next day at the Clinica, Sawyer isn’t pleased when Lily tells him she paid off the customs guy, but she says she did what she had to do for her patient. From her expression and words once he walks away, it looks like Lily may finally be giving up on him. Yeah, right.

The village kids are upset about Nazi Grandpa leaving, but the Sadist lies to them and says he’ll be back soon.

Z asks Ben about what their relationship is, and he says they’re friends who are having sex. From the look on her face, I gather she may want more than that. Maybe I would actually care either way if one of them was actually important in an episode. Although Z did get the most screen time she’s had so far in this one. She finds Victoria, who is still hacking away at the jungle, and takes over Relationship Frustration Therapy from her.

The ceremony of the passing of the proverbial dick-whacker

Ben catches up with the dentist and the Sadist and asks him to take his wisdom tooth out, but for some reason he doesn’t want any sedation, although it’s major surgery. Maybe after this episode he’ll join the Sadist as the Masochist? Oh I see, he’s scared of narcotics because of his drug-addiction problems he had back in the US. Sucks for him, he could’ve just brought a bottle of tequila with him and numbed himself up the old-fashioned way. Although that wouldn’t have been anywhere near as much fun for the Sadist, who has finally got her wish of dental work without pain meds.

So that was episode four. Does anyone find any character remotely interesting except for the Sadist (and even then, she’s not that great)? Do people think this show will be renewed just because it’s a Shonda show? Does it deserve to be?

Thanks for reading!

L-Money