Off the Map: Where Have All the Meds Gone?

Episode 6! Wow, it feels like it’s been longer than six episodes. Here’s the requisite nickname reminder (I’m holding out hope some new people may start reading).

Sawyer= Dr. Ben (hot white doctor with a sometimes-Australian accent)

Ben = Dr. Otis (black doctor whose name was Ben when he was on Grey’s)

Meryl Jr. etc./The Sadist= Mina (blonde daughter of Meryl Streep)

Plastics/Douchebag/Dipshit etc.= Tommy (sexist plastic surgeon)

Victoria/Vampire= Dr. Ryan (redhead who played Victoria in Twilight)

Dr. Z= Dr. Zeiatailablerz (I still don’t know what her name really is)

Lily= …Lily. She’s too boring to have her own nickname.

Dipshit and Alma apparently spent the night together. Or they just spent it playing chess/backgammon/checkers/some other board game that Dipshit is holding. Suddenly, Daddy Alma appears and is not happy to see his daughter kissing some skinny douchey white guy. But Alma assures him it’s ok and runs off. Also, how did she go from knowing exactly 2 words of English to being able to communicate? I think someone overnight Fed-Exed Rosetta Stone.

I will eat you for breakfast with my Huevos Rancheros

Lily is talking to Sadist about Matteo, saying she’s worried about him “medically.” She says he could have an infection, or be bleeding, or even be dying. Sadist does her best “I’m concerned” face but I’m not buying it. I know it turns her on. The way her voice gets all husky and breathy when someone’s talking about death is a dead giveaway.

Wait, wait, don’t stop talking. I’m getting close!

At the Clinica, some guy named Julio has a case of acute appendicitis. He and his wife run the Jungle Lodge (I assume some touristy hotel?) together. The n00bs show up late, and Ben is pissed, because, as Dipshit correctly declares, he’s not getting’ any. During Blue Balls Ben’s lecture on punctuality or whatever, he steps on some broken glass, but fortunately with shoes on, or else Sadist probably would’ve creamed herself from joy.

Bad news bears, the Clinca’s been robbed of all its supplies and meds.

It’s as empty as Ben’s bed, and the Sadist’s soul

Sawyer gets all pissy and starts blaming everyone for the robbery then storms off. Ben tells Z the only time he’s seen Sawyer like that was when his wife Abby “died” (although we know she’s still alive and kick…breathing). Then Ben tells Z he misses her in his bed, but she won’t crack.

Since they obvs can’t operate without any meds or disinfectants or anything, they have to resort to using the jungle plants for everything, and give Julio some celery-lookin’ thing to chew on for his pain. His wife Lynn and him get all lovey dovey. The Sadist looks away per usual, and shares a glance with Lily. Perhaps she’s been infected by the Sadist, or maybe she’s just jaded by her experiences with shot-and-run guy.

Lily: You thinking what I’m thinking? Sadist: We should find some children to disembowel? Lily: No…just that these two make me sick. Sadist: Oh. Well that, too. But what do you think about my idea?

Lily mentions that she and the Sadist might be like Lynn some day, living in the jungle. But Sadist says no way sista, I’m getting’ outta here first chance I get. Because, as she puts it, “Keaton (Sawyer) gives you all the juicy cases, Clark (Victoria) hates me, and Cole (Ben) thinks I’m a freak.” Lily can’t disagree.

Of course, this is sort-of a medical show, so something medical-ish has to happen, and Julio’s appendix bursts. Looks like they’re gonna have to operate, anesthesia be damned.

Some drunk dude stumbles with his friend to the Clinica, and Disphit sees them and realizes they are both in the fraternity Zeta Tau, which he of course was a part of before he left his fucked-up life for South America. After some bro-bonding (along with Charlie), Mr. I Only-Had-A-Few-Beers-Honest throws up into his hat. Paaaaaartyyyy!

Livin’ the sweet life!

Victoria shows up and is mad Sawyer didn’t call her in to work, saying she’s rested long enough and is going back to work whether he likes it or not. That’s right, crack that whip gurl!

Frat bro starts seizing, but of course there are no meds, so they just have to wait it out. Dipshit looks at his spinal fluid and determines he has viral meningitis, but of course, there are no meds. I think I sense a recurring pattern throughout his episode.

Victoria looks at a girl with one eye completely swollen shut; apparently it’s some weird, serious mosquito bite. But another guy comes in and takes precedence. After she’s done with him Vicky goes back to see the girl, but she’s gone.

While they’re getting ready to operate on Julio, Ben says he can get him some intravenous narcotics, otherwise known as heroin. Z and Sawyer shoot it down right away, but the Sadist thinks it’s a great idea, saying that Julio would never recover psychologically from feeling that level of pain (scalpel digging around in his organs). I think she just wants to see what’ll happen if they do it.

No, honest, I care about what’s-his-name! Don’t you see this is my honest face?

Sawyer is worried about Ben going, because of his drug problems, but he convinces them it’ll be fine. Not so sure about that. He and the Sadist head out together to score some drugs. Ben is super hesitant about entering the drug hut, so Sadist goes in instead. They don’t want to sell to her until she tells them some druggie girl lying around there is going to die from an OD. Then he agrees to trade her some heroin for her medical services.

Who ever said a skinny white blonde girl couldn’t pressure a large South American drug dealer never met the Sadist

Tommy goes to see Papa (the medicine man) to get his advice on Frat Bro. He doesn’t want to help, but then Tommy says they’re brothers from another mother, and Papa reconsiders.

In the OR, Sawyer is still in a shitty mood, so Lily makes him spit it out in private. He says he’s mad at them and wishes some people would “prioritize the clinic over their damn social lives.”

Good luck with that, this is a Shonda show after all

Papa has set up a place outside to do that voodoo that he do on Frat Bro, but Frat Boy, in true American style, says if Papa touches him his Daddy will sue his ass. Papa gets ready to leave until Dipshit is able to convince Frat Bro it’s Papa or death.

Then we get a nice little juxtaposition of Papa’s witch doctor stuff and Sawyer’s surgery on Julio. It’s actually kind of interesting the way they overlaid them, to show how the different procedures aren’t so different after all. I think that’s the first nice thing I’ve ever said about the cinematics/editing of this show. Well, it had to happen some time.

Julio starts waking up from the lidocaine earlier than expected, but then Ben and the Sadist show up to save the day with heroin. Sadist shoots him up and they continue.

Who says drugs are bad? Look how happy he is!

Victoria and Ben head out to make a house call on swollen-eye girl. They show up and Victoria shakes some ginormous bugs out of the roof and squashes them underfoot like she’s in a production of Stomp! She tells the mother they’re some crazy nasty bugs that carry a parasite that will kill the girl in 20 years if not treated immediately, but the mother can’t afford to not have them around while they go to the hospital. Victoria tells the mother that she and her sister grew up in El Salvador, and her sister got the same bug bite and died of it. If I were her parent I would’ve inspected to make sure it wasn’t a vampire bite.

Lynn (Julio’s wife) tells the Sadist that South America is the only place she’s truly felt at home in, and that her whole life she felt like something was missing until she came there and met Julio. Sadist looks thoughtful.

On his way out, Tommy asks Papa for some manly advice about how to deal with Alma’s papa. He says he’s gotta show that he’s more than just a tourista, that he respects where he is.

I’m doing you a solid, bro

Z and Lily go out to the jungle to collect some bugs that apparently can be used as surgical staples, and Z tells her that Sawyer got a neurological report on his wife today; there’s been nothing on her EEG for six months. In other words, her brain’s as dead as Lindsay Lohan’s career. That’s why he’s been such an ass all day.

Ben confronts Victoria about the sister story, saying that she doesn’t have a sister and with her recent heart problems and everything OMG Victoria’s the one that got bit! Totes didn’t see that coming! Ben tells her she needs to get tested now, and she says she will but she doesn’t want to be treated like an invalid, and she doesn’t want Sawyer to go through this shit again like he did with his wife. She wants it to remain a secret.

Also, love that dog photobombing this intense moment

Lily, under Z’s command, uses the pincer bugs they collected as staples for Julio’s wound. If this is a real thing, then it’s pretty darn cool. Then Lily goes and tells Sawyer that he is the whole Clinica, not the building or anyone else.

The helicopter finally arrives to take Julio away, and Lynn tells Sadist and Lily they are welcome at the Jungle Lodge if they ever want a vacation, if they’re still around. Sadist says she’s thinking of sticking around for a little while longer. Wow, really? I completely didn’t guess that one! Oh Shonda and Co., you’re such tricksters! She says she can’t score smack and stick ants in a guy in Greenwich (where I guess she’s from), so she might as well stay. Actually, I’m pretty sure you can score smack anywhere, Sadist.

Dipshit meets with Alma’s padre, gives him a Spanish/English dictionary, and after butchering “I like your daughter a lot” in Spanish, seems to get through to padre. That was waaay too easy. I was expecting some serious mano a mano confrontation, but I guess padre’s really a pushover.

You’ve let me down, sir. I was really hoping to see you get South American on Dipshit’s scrawny ass

Victoria catches the ‘copter in time to put swollen-eye girl and her sister in, but there’s not enough room for her. She says she’ll meet them at the hospital tomorrow. Will she go through with getting her own tests? Suppose we’ll find out.

Z tries to comfort Ben, but he sends her away. Then we see that he’s holding a small bag of heroin. Don’t do it, Ben! Actually, I don’t really care. Whatever will make this show more interesting is fine by me.

Lily’s taking a nighttime shower in the waterfall when Matteo comes by. He tells her he got her messages, and apologizes for any trouble he’s caused the Clinica. Lily is upset, but only until this happens:

Yeah, so, what was I mad about again?

Well it’s not hot doctor sex, but you know what? I’ll take it.

For your viewing pleasure (and mine)

I would’ve liked to end this recap here on that sexy note, but I can’t. Because it goes back to Sawyer and Victoria watching the helicopter depart, and he tells her it’s time to move on from Abby and that he can’t imagine losing her. Then just as it seems she’s about to tell him about her disease, there’s a loud sound, and we see smoke coming out of the helicopter as it goes down. And then we hear a crash and a boom. OMG WTF just happened?

Congratulations writers for actually shocking me with a cliffhanger! I have to say, all in all this was a pretty good episode. Lots of character development, excitement, cool medical stuff, and even a little steamy romance at the end! Dare I say I’m actually looking forward to next week’s episode?

Some questions to ponder: will Ben fall off the wagon? Will Victoria do something about/tell anyone about her illness? Will Lily and Matteo last?

See you next week!

L-Money