Once Upon A Time Recap

I am loving this show more and more each week, Gasmi.  Yes, it can be sweet enough to make your teeth hurt sometimes, but it’s also got plenty of bite to balance that out.  Plus, I love seeing new versions of some of our favorite (and not so favorite) characters.  I have been sucked in and I can’t wait to see who we get to meet next and what sad “ending” Storybrooke has in mind for them.

This week our story centers around Snow White and Prince Charming and how they met.  Ready?

NOPE.

Too bad, Queenie!  Here we gooooooooo!!!!!

We open in the forest; a white carriage carries Prince Charming.

And Princess CrankyPanties

She’s annoyed because their journey is taking so long; she told him the Troll Road would have been quicker.  Yes, but I’m guessing it would have been smellier too.  Charming seems thrilled by her nagging.  Fortunately for him, the carriage stops and he has to get out to see what’s going on.

Shit.  She’ll be yapping about this for hours.

No time to dwell; just as Charming realizes the tree’s been cut Princess CrankyPanties lets out some yelpy sceams.  They’ve been robbed.

Robin?

Anyone else think Robin Hood has dropped into our story?  Me too!  And I thrilled that it looks like Robin might be a chick!

Charming grabs a horse and chases the thief, tackling him/her off their horse and just getting ready to land a punch in the face when…….

Oh snap.

It’s not Robin Hood, but our very own Snow White that’s the thief!  Charming is shocked to find out that girls can be thieves too, but Snow corrects him, pointing out that she is a woman before hitting him in the face with a rock.  See?  Even in Fairyland you can have your ass handed to you for calling a woman a girl.

Snow makes off with her loot as Charming (bleeding from the chin) yells after her, “Where ever you are, I will find you.”

Promise?

Let’s face it; most of us ladies find a guy that can take a rock to the face irresistible, right?  Right?  Hello?

Over in Storybrooke, Mary Margaret is on a date.  It’s not going well.  As she talks about the kids in her class, he oogles Red Riding Hood.

I wonder if Granny owns a strip club too.

Mary Margaret notices and cuts the date short, asking Ruby (Little Red) for the check.

Why does this always happen to me?

Poor Snow.  She walks sadly down the street, probably wondering why she seems to get all the shitty dates, and notices Emma sitting in her car.  Having been booted from Granny’s, Emma is now searching the newspaper for a place to stay.  No luck so far.  There don’t seem to be a lot of vacancies.  None, Snow clarifies; must be the curse.

Emma wonders what she’s doing out so late and Snow informs her that she’s a teacher, not a nun.  Well, thank goodness for that!  Can you imagine what would happen once Charming  wakes up?  Talk about a no win situation!

Anyway, Snow tells Emma about her crappy date, including the fact that the guy didn’t even pay.  Hey, if true love were easy we’d all have it, Snow tells her.

At least that’s what I keep telling myself

Anyway, bad date aside, she happens to have a spare bedroom, so Emma could always come stay with her if she wants to.  Emma appreciates the offer, but is not really interested in living with her mom that’s the same age as her and doesn’t remember ever having a baby.

But thanks for the offer.

The next day, Snow brings her class to visit the hospital.  Did I mention her shitty date from the night before is a doctor there?  What fun!  Snow spies Henry inside the glass room visiting with John Doe and walks in right before Henry can touch him.

You break him, you bought him, Henry!

He asks her if Mr. Doe is going to be okay.  She says the guy’s name is not really John Doe; that’s just what they call people when they don’t know who they are.  Does she know who he is, Henry wonders.  Nope.  She just brings him flowers on her rounds.  What’s wrong with him?  Dunno.  He’s been like that for as long as she’s been volunteering.  Does he have family or friends?

How the fuck am I supposed to know?

Later, Henry tells Emma he found her father, Prince Charming.  Awesomely, the picture in the story book has the same scar as John Doe.

Emma naturally is skeptical, saying lots of people of scars.  But it’s in the same place!  Henry tells her he sees it now; the curse is keeping them apart with the coma.  Now they’re stuck without each other.  He wants to tell Snow that they’ve found her Prince Charming.

Emma doesn’t think that it’s such a good idea.  Not having a happy ending is painful enough, but giving someone unrealistic hope is far worse.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Henry wants them to remember who they are, so he’s got a plan to remind them; they have to get Snow to read John Doe their story.  Then maybe he’ll remember who he is.  Okay, says Emma, but she wants to ask Snow.

Back at Snow’s house Emma does just that, telling Snow that Henry thinks it will help John Doe remember who he is.  And who does Henry think J.D. is?  Prince Charming.

Why does life keep fucking with me?

Emma thinks that they need to play along, show him by proof of disappointment that the fairy tales he thinks are really are really just stories after all.  Snow is ready for someone else’s dreams to be crushed for once; she’s in.  Great!  They’ll all meet in the morning at Granny’s for a full report.

Once upon a time I was a beautiful princess/cunning thief that you totally loved and married and we had a kid together and you used to pay the bill and everything.

And then……

He moves!!

Holy Shit!  He just totally grabbed her hand!

Holy Shit!  He just totally grabbed my hand!!!

During the commercial break, Snow went to tell the doctor what happened.  He checks the vitals and tells her everything is steady, the same as it’s always been.

If you wanted a second date, all you had to do was ask; let’s go back to the diner again, mmmmkay?

Doctor DisasterDate thinks that maybe she dozed off while she was reading and imagined Doe grabbed her hand.  Or she imagined it.  It certainly didn’t happen the way she said it did.  He sends her off, hoping that he’s made her think she’s crazy, but…..

This look says something different

Sure enough, he’s on the phone in a jiffy to Mayor Evil Queen to tell her something’s happened.  Let’s just say she’s less than thrilled when he elaborates.

Back at home, Snow does a little research, picking up the story where she left off reading to John Doe.  And so we head back to Fairyland……

Where Snow White visits her secret hideout, gathering up a bunch of (allegedly) stolen booty before heading out the door

And right into a rope trap

Looks like Charming made good on his promise to always find her!  She’s as thrilled as you can imagine she’s be and asks if this is the only way he can catch a woman.  He sure is some Prince Charming (HA!  Love it!).  He has a name you know!  It’s………she doesn’t give a rat’s ass what his name is; Charming suits him and that’s what she’s calling him.

I’m oddly turned on right now

She demands that he cut her down.  He counters that he’ll release her when she returns the leather pouch she stole containing his jewels.  That’s gonna be hard given the fact that she sold them.  What?  Whatevs, she’s sure he’s got a palace full of jewels somewhere.

Not these jewels, these were special’ among them a ring that belonged to his mother that he was about to give his betrothed.  You mean Princess CrankyPanties?  Good luck living with that nag!  She thinks he must be getting something impressive to have agreed to that union.

She knows how these things work; it’s all arranged marriages and business transactions.  There’s no such thing as love at first sight or first kiss.  Her guess is that CrankyPanties’ kingdom wants to take over his and this is a last ditch effort to avoid war.

It’s not a TAKEOVER.  It’s a merger.

Keep telling yourself that

He tells her he’s going to cut her down and she’s going to take him to whoever has his jewels, then she’s gonna help him get his ring back.  Why would she do that?  Because he’s certain she doesn’t want anyone to know who she really is: Snow White.

Uh oh.

Yep, that’ll do it.  She’s in.

It’s the next morning in Storybrooke and Emma and Henry meet up to wait for Snow.  Henry has given Emma one of his mom’s shirts claiming she won’t even notice.  Ha!  Wanna bet?  Where does she think he is anyway?  Playing wack-a-mole.

Here comes Snow!  Emma tells him not to get his hopes up; they’re just getting started.  Snow sits down and tells them that Doe woke up.

What happened to our plan?  You’re ruining it!

Okay.  He didn’t WAKE UP wake up, but he grabbed my hand.

Henry thinks that means he’s remembering, and Emma wants to know what the doctor said.  Snow says the doctor thinks she imagined it but she knows she’s not crazy.  She knows it happened.  Henry thinks she needs to go back; she needs to read to him again.  Alright!  Let’s go!

Wait, what?  Says Emma.  Snow thinks if she got through to him, if they made a connection……well…..she doesn’t buy into him being Prince Charming, but somehow, someway….she touched him.

And I wanna feel it in the palm of my hand again

When they get to the hospital they find out that not only has Doe awakened, he’s gone from the hospital!  The Sheriff is there and so is Mayor Evil Bitch.  She leaves the glass room to find out what the hell Emma is doing there.  And Henry too!  She thought he was at the arcade.

Snow asks the Sheriff what happened to John Doe; did someone take him?  They know nothing.  His IVs were ripped out but there was no sign of a struggle.  Henry wants to know what Regina did to him.  He thinks SHE had something to do with it????

Just because I’m evil people always think I’m up to no good.  It’s not fair!

Emma finds it curious that the mayor would be here.  She’s his emergency contact.  HUH???  She’s the one that found him on the side of the road years ago with no ID.  Doctor DisasterDate tells them he needs to get back here right away or he may be in deep doodoo.

Well, enough yapping then, let’s get cracking, says Emma.  Already on it, Regina tells her.  And since you refuse to stay away from Henry, she’ll keep Henry away from her.

BTW-I wiped my ass on that shirt.  Enjoy!

Regina commands the Sheriff to find John Doe, telling him time is precious.  So he heads off (with Snow and Emma in tow) to the security room where Leroy the janitor (Grumpy) and the security guard (Sleepy) confirm that they were the only two employees there last night.  Let’s review the tapes!

They show nothing.  Eagle eye Emma notices that the Get Well banner that the kids made isn’t up, concluding that the tape has been switched.  Go Emma!  Whoever switched the tape didn’t do a very good job because it doesn’t take long for the Scooby gang to find the actual footage which shows John Doe hightailing it out of there all on his own.

I wonder if the drive thru at Taco Bell is still open?

Emma asks where the door leads.  To the woods.  Oh man.  The poor guy’s gonna be so hungry.

Back to Fairyland.  Snow and Charming are making their way through the forest.  Charming notices that Snow is wearing a necklace and wonders what it is.  She tells him not to worry about it, so he grabs it off her neck.  Careful, she cautions him, it’s very powerful fairy dust that will fuck him up.  Aren’t fairies good?  Not all of them; this dust will turn you into something that can be squashed.  Damn.  I gotta get me some of that.

So why doesn’t she use it on him?  She’s saving it for someone special.  Two guesses who she has in mind.  Charming just met her and even he knows it’s for the Evil Queen.  Snow says the charges on the wanted posters are LIES.  That didn’t stop her from sending her huntsman to rip out Snow’s heart.

Thankfully he let her go and she’s been hiding out in the forest ever since, trying to steal enough to get the fuck out of there and get to another realm, build a new life.  She thought his carriage was one of the queen’s.  He thinks that sounds lonely; no more so than an arranged marriage, she counters.

True dat.

So why does the Queen hate her so much?  “She blames me for ruining her life.”  “Did you?”

Damn skippy.

Oooooooooo!  I wanna know what happened!  TELL US!!!  Nope.  The show’s not telling right now.  They approach a clearing where the river runs through and Snow asks if she can stop for a drink.  Charming lets her and is rewarded with a kick to the nuts and a shove in the water.

And she’s off!  But Snow doesn’t get very far because the Queen’s henchman arrive just then to try and kill her.

Over in Storybrooke the gang has set off into the woods to try and find Doe.  The track goes cold, but Sheriff tells them to give him a minute; this is his world.  Hmmm…..a clue as to who he is perhaps?  Snow wonders what he means by “his world”; isn’t it Emma’s as well?  Doesn’t she also find people for a living?  Yeah, but usually not in the woods.

Snow wonders how Emma got into the business of finding people.  It’s just what she’s done for as long as she can remember.  But what made her start?  Was it her parents?  Henry’s clued Snow into the fact that Emma comes from a similar situation as his own; did she ever find her parents.  “Depends who you ask.”  LOL!

And heeeeeereeeeee’s Henry!  He’s slipped away from Regina again.  Damn.  That lady sure does suck at being a mom.  He tells them he thinks Doe is looking for Snow.

Truth, Grams

Back in Fairyland the Queen’s henchmen have Snow and are ready to kill her.  But Charming arrives in time to save her!  Damn.  Girlfriend kneed him in the nuts and he still helps her out!  What a guy.  He saved her.  Seemed like the honorable thing to do, he tells her.

Where have you been my whole life?

Since he’s turned out to be a decent fellow, Snow decides to get him back his jewels.  The trolls she sold them to are just over the next ridge, but they need to be careful.  He confuses trolls with dwarves and she says it’s because he’s obviously met a troll before.  They’ll cut yer hand off rather than say hello.

Back to Storybrooke.  Henry is telling Snow she’s the one that woke him up.  She’s the last one he saw.  It’s all about her!!  No, she thinks he’s lost and confused; he’s been in a coma for a really long time.  “But he loves you!” Henry tells her.  He thinks she needs to stop chasing him and let him find her.

Emma tells him he needs to get the fuck home; his mom is going to kill her.  And then him.  And then her again.  She dropped him off at home and then went right out; he’s not going home.  And then…the Sheriff calls them.  He’s found blood.  Dun, dun, dun!

After a pretty tense commercial break, we’re back in Fairyland.  Snow and charming arrive at the troll bridge and Snow leaves out some gold coins at the edge, cautioning Prince Charming to be quiet.  The trolls arrive and Snow tells them she wants to make another trade, but the trolls don’t want to talk in front of Charming, they don’t know him!

He could be after my beauty secrets!

He’s fine; he’s with her.  She tells them she wants to buy back the jewels she sold them.  The troll is still fixated on charming, demanding to know who he is.  She said don’t worry about him!  She’ll give back all their money; just give her the ring and keep everything else.

Just as they decide to go for it, Charming opens his yap.  The head troll decides he’s too eager; it must be a set up.  It’s not!  He’s a royal!  The head troll grabs Snow and Charming pulls his sword but is quickly disarmed.  They find the wanted poster on Charming and realize that they have Snow White in their grasp; they can collect the queen’s reward!

We’ll have goats to eat for months!

As they move to take her away, Charming grabs his sword and attacks, allowing her to escape.  She runs, thinking he’ll follow right after, but the trolls have him cornered.  When Snow realizes he’s stuck behind she turns back.  Just as the lead troll is about to strike Charming down there’s a fizzle, a sizzle, and some sparkles.  And then…….

Ooooooo, now she can crush him like the cockroach he is!

She quickly turns the others into bugs as well and thus has saved Charming right back.  “You saved me.”  He tells her.  It was the honorable thing to do, she echoes back to him.  What about her special someone?  She’ll think of something else.

She returns Charming’s jewels to him, and he tells her his name; James.  Nice to meet you, James.  And then they head out squishing the troll bugs as they leave.

Over in Storybrooke the trail has died out.

Have I mentioned how much I love this show?

But look!  Over in the water!  It’s John Doe!!!  Snow pulls him out; he’s not breathing.  She gives him CPR, saying “Come back to us!” and then whispering in his ear, “Come back to me.”  And he does.   But only after she gives him the kiss of life that somehow turns into a real kiss.

You saved me

She did it!  Doe thanks her and she asks who he is, but he doesn’t know.  It’s okay, she tells him.

They bring him back to the hospital, and there, to ruin everyone’s good mood…..

Arrives Princess CrankyPanties

FUCK.

In Fairyland Snow and Charming know they need to go their separate ways, but neither really wants to.  Charming pulls out the ring and says he knows, it’s not her style.  Only one way to find out.  She tries it on.

Feels perfect

He sees it too; the ring belongs on her.  She gives it back, saying she’s sure his fiancé will love it.  He tries to give her the rest of the jewels but she won’t take them.  He tells her to be careful where she’s going.  If she needs anything……..he’ll find her?

Always.

And so they part.  Him gazing longingly after her, her turning to glance wistfully back at him.  SIGH.

In Storybrooke Regina is taking great delight in telling them that John Doe’s name is David Nolan, and that’s his wife, Catherine.  Grrrrrrrrrrr.  Regina says the happy look on Catherine’s face has put her in a forgiving mood; she’ll talk with Henry about his insubordination later.

Can’t wait.

Catherine comes out and thanks Snow for finding “her” David, but Snow doesn’t understand; she didn’t know he was here in a coma all this time?

Back up off me bitch

She tells some lame story about them having a fight and she thought he just left.  HA!  Doubtful.  Emma questions her, didn’t she go looking for him?  Nope.  But now that he’s lost his memory and forgotten what a CrankyPanties she is, they get to have a second chance.

Poor Snow.  Her heart is breaking, you can tell, but she tells Catherine that it’s just wonderful while Regina looks on looking spitefully happy.  What a fucking bitch.  Doctor Whale thinks it’s a bit of a miracle.  He’s good except for the whole memory loss thing.  He woke up and decided to go look for something.  SOMEONE, Henry corrects.

Catherine heads back into his room and Regina tells Henry it’s time to go.  He needs to get his backpack, but it’s a diversion so he can tell Snow not to give up; Charming woke up to be with her, that’s why he was going to the troll bridge.  No, he was going there because it’s the last place she read to him about.  No!  It’s because you belong together!  Tell her, Henry!!

Regina and Henry start to leave, but Emma runs after them.  She says she thinks the story could be a load of crap; something doesn’t seem right here.  Why would Catherine lie?  Does Emma think Regina cast a spell on her?  DUUUUUH!!!!!  She tells Emma the town is bigger than she knows; it’s possible to get lost here, it’s entirely possible for bad things to happen.

How convenient she was able to solve the mystery.  Thanks to Emma, Regina points out.  Because she had the idea to look at the tapes they discovered that John Doe had been talking in his sleep.  Since when do security tapes have sound on them??  What a little liar she is!

Oh, and just to rub it in she tells Emma it’s so great that true love won out; were it not for them they would have lived their lives completely alone.  And that has reminded her of something: how lucky she is to have Henry and not be alone like SOME people.

In David’s room he’s hugging his wife

But staring longingly at Snow

She gazes back at him sadly, knowing she’s lost something, not sure of quite WHAT that something is.  She plays with a ring on her finger and it’s Prince Charming’s ring!!

Later, at home, she’s sitting sadly on the stairs, still playing with the ring.  There’s a knock on the door!  It’s Emma, wondering if the offer of a room still stands.  Yep.

And that’s where we end this episode, Gasmi.  I’m not gonna lie; I totally cried during this episode.  I think I’m PMSing.  UH HUH.  So, what did you think?  Were you enchanted by their story?  Did you enjoy a sassy Snow?  How much do you hate Regina right now?

I can’t wait to hear what you guys thought!

SWAK, PottyMouth