Once Upon a Time Recap: Cinderella Had a Fella

Holla Gasmi!  If you’re like me then you’ve been dying to know what happens next in the love story between Snow and Charming.  Sadly, we get no new news this week and instead focus on a different fairy tale princess.  So give those mice some needles and thread and break out your glass slippers because this time around it’s all about Cinderella.

But before we start can I just say how much I love how they tie some element from each week’s story into the opening credits woods scene?  I’ve now begun to look forward to seeing what they come up with each week.

Too bad a headless Regina hasn’t shown up yet.

We open in Fairyland; Cinderella watches distant fireworks sadly as her stepmonster and stepsisters head off the ball that she is obviously not going to.  But never fear!  Her fairy godmother arrives, just in the nick of time!

Bibbity Bobbity BOOM

Damn.  That’s harsh. Did you guess it was ole Rumpy blowing up the fairy godmother?  Poor Cinderella, now she’ll never get to go to the ball.  But Rumpy tells her she should be happy about that because the fairy godmother’s wand was evil and all magic comes at a price.

No discounts, refunds or exchanges

He tells her to go back to her life and thank her lucky stars she’s still got something to go back to.  Oh yeah, sure, scrubbing chimneys and toilets for her nasty ass stepmom and sisters is SO FAB.  Wah, wah, Rumpy tells her; if you don’t like yer life, change it.

You can’t haaandle the wand!

It’s moldy and smells like spoiled milk.  Ella doesn’t care; she can hold her nose as long as she has a chance at a better life!  She will do anything to get out of here, anything.

Anything?

Did I fucking STUTTER????

Does he even know how to use the wand, Mr.  uh………Rumpelstilsken, he answers, and of course he knows how to use the wand.  Ha.  I bet.

He agrees to help her for a price; she will owe him a favor.  She tells him to name it.  Rumpy tells her it will be something precious, but she counters that she has nothing.  Oh, no worries, you will.

Fine!  Done!  Get me out of this fucking hell hole.

In all due time; sign on the dotted line.

Argh!  Are there no lawyers in Fairyland??!!?  Ella signs Rumpy contract without even reading first.  Dumbass.  I think all the bleach fumes she’s been inhaling have softened her brain.  After all, who the hell strike a deal with the dude that just murdered your fairy godmother?!?!?  Can you say “impulse signer”?

And to seal the deal, Rumpy lets one rip right in her face.

Dang.  It’s gonna take months to get that smell out.

Signed deal in hand, Rumpy waves the wand and behold!  Cinderella is all cleaned up and dressed for the party.  She notices the pair of glass slippers in front of her and Rumpy tells her that every story needs a memorable detail.  Now off ya go, and don’t forget to keep an eye on the clock!

We go to Storybrooke where the clock is striking eight and Henry and Emma are out for a morning stroll.  He asks if she’s sure they can be out in the open together.  Emma tells him she’s decided they’re not sneaking around anymore; if his mom has a problem with her walking him to the school bus….

She can trump up more phony charges against me.

He tells Emma she’s brave and they’ll need that for Operation Cobra.  Hey!  Does she think they need code names?  Um, isn’t Operation Cobra already a code a name?  No, he clarifies, for themselves!  You know, to call each other.

I was thinking yours could be Mom.  Or Mommy.  Mamacita?

Uhhhhhhh……….

She tells him he can stick to calling her Emma.  For now.  Awwwww.

No sooner is Henry on the bus and out of sight then Sheriff Graham shows up, sirens blaring.  Wow.  I was joking about the trumped up charges!  Kinda.  But the Sheriff isn’t there to arrest her; he wants to hire her as a deputy!  Wait.  Let me get this straight.  Since being arrested she’s not allowed to stay at the local bed and breakfast, but she can be hired by the police department?????

Just go with, mmmkay?

Emma points out to him that she already HAS a job, but he counters with the fact that she’s not doing much bail bonding in Storybrooke.  She doesn’t see much sheriffing going on either.  Oooooooooo, burn!  Unfazed, Graham hands her his card and tells her to think about it.  Wait til Regina hears about this!

Emma sits in Granny’s diner ready to enjoy her morning paper with a nice hot cup of cocoa, when who should arrive to spoil it?

Ah, the milk in your cocoa is curdled; mission accomplished

Regina wants to know how Emma’s morning stroll with Henry was.  That’s right, she knows everything.  No worries though because she doesn’t mind; Emma no longer worries her.

Is that so?

Oh, yes.  You see, she’s done a little digging on Emma and she thinks it all boils down to the number seven.  Seven dwarves?  No.  Seven addresses.  In fact, she’s had those seven addresses in the past decade, moving around quite a bit.  Her longest stint anywhere was two years, in Tallahassee of all places; what DID Emma find so interesting there?

When Emma mentions that she found a place in town, Regina says she knows already.  She’s not threatened by the fact that Emma is staying with Snow.  After all, there’s no lease involved; she can leave at any time.

She tells Emma that in order for something to grow it needs roots and she doesn’t have any.  People don’t change, she tells Emma, they only fool themselves into thinking they can.  The only thing she’s asking is that as she carries on her transient lifestyle she try not to hurt Henry too badly in the process.  In fact, why doesn’t she just leave now and get it over with.

Oh, you bet your ass I’m staying now.

I have to hand it to her, Emma does a good job at keeping calm in the face of Regina’s intense dislike and obvious needling, but as soon as Regina walks out the door, Emma spills her cocoa all over herself.  Hey, at least the bitch wasn’t there to see it!

Ruby lets her use the laundry room because apparently Storybrooke doesn’t have any stores where Emma can buy a change of clothes!  While back there she runs into a very pregnant maid.  It’s none other than our Cinderella!

Nine months pregnant for 28 years?  Now THAT sucks.

Damn.  I didn’t want to be nine months pregnant for ONE month, let alone years.  Looks to me like Cinderella really screwed the pooch when it comes to curse victims.  Anyway…..we find out that her name in this world is Ashley (LOVE IT) and she is miserable because not only has she turned all the sheets pink, but she’s also being told by everyone that she can’t be a mom, that she’s not ready for it all.

FUCK THEM, Emma tells her.

Does the mayor know you curse?  You’ll be fined.  Or worse!

Emma tells Ashley that she was eighteen when she got pregnant and she knows what it’s like, everyone telling you what you can and cannot do.  But ultimately whatever she’s considering doing, or giving up, the choice is hers.  “People are going to tell you who you are your entire life; you just gotta punch back and say no, this is who I am.”

Sing it, sista!

She tells Ashley if she wants people to look at her differently, MAKE them.  You wanna change things go change them yourself because there are no fairy godmothers in this world.  I love Emma, don’t you?

Emma little talk seems to have resonated in Ashley because later that evening she breaks into Mr. Gold’s pawnshop (how perfect is it that he’s a pawnbroker, btw?).  His security is for shit because she knows exactly where his “hidden” safe is located.

Unfortunately for Ashley he suspected something was afoot while locking up and so he doubled back to confront the would-be thief.

Nothing a little mace can’t handle!

Is it wrong that I enjoyed Rumpy getting maced?  He hits his head as he falls down and is knocked unconscious, allowing Ashley to steal his keys and presumably get what she came here for.  He’s gonna be hella pissed when he wakes up.

The next morning Regina fixes her makeup in the mirror before telling Henry he’s to stay put all day while she’s out at her town meeting.

Uh, yeah.  Sure.  Right.  No prob.

I mean it

Oh yeah; that’ll work.  I think we all know he’s gonna hightail it outta there as soon as she leaves.  And really?  She should know better.  She tells him she’ll be back at five and leaves.  Henry, like the obedient child he’s proven himself to be, goes to his room to settle down for an afternoon of reading and extra credit homework.

Or not.

Over at Snow’s cottage, Emma is unpacking her sparse belongings when there’s a knock on the door.  It’s Mr. Gold who wants to hire Emma to find some property of his that’s been stolen by Ashley.  He doesn’t want to go to the cops because Ashley is young, stupid and scared; he doesn’t want to ruin her life.

Been there, done that

Emma wants to know what Ashley stole, but Rumpy’s not telling.  He tells her it’s something precious and they should leave it at that for now.  Emma takes the case, telling RumpyGold that she will help HER.  Sounds like a conflict of interest already, doesn’t it?

Henry shows up at Snow’s place just as RumpyGold is leaving and asks Emma if she knows who that is?  No.  Who?  She asks him.

Shit.  I was hoping you could tell me.

Henry tags along with Emma while she’s working Ashley’s case.  Emma tries to get him to skedaddle but he just wants to spend time with her!  Yep, good ole guilt; works every time.

Back in Fairyland we rejoin Ella watching the fireworks that celebrate her wedding to Prince Thomas.  She says she always watched them from her house, knowing they were for something special and now they are for her.  She can’t believe it.

Inside the reception ball Cinderella gets a quick hug from Snow (accompanied by Charming) before dancing with her father-in-law.  He’s happy to welcome her into their family and wonders how long it will be before she starts popping out heirs to the kingdom.

I wants some grandkids NOW.

Ella dances with Thomas but a couple of minutes later Snow cuts in.  Awwww…..I love Snow, she’s so sweet.

Remember that time we experimented in the woods?  Best.  Time.  EVER.

Snow tells Ella she is such an inspiration to everyone.  I guess because of her gold digging abilities?  Ella knows she didn’t do much, just get married.  No, no, no, Snow tells her, she showed that it’s possible for anyone to change their life.  Yes, it would seem that Cinderella is the original Anna Nicole Smith.  Or she would be if Thomas was 87.

Remember me?

Oh poop.  I purposely left you off the evite.  Who the fuck let you in?

Rumpy wants to know if Ella is happy with the bargain she made.  Did she get everything she desired?  Yes.  Now what does he want?  Gold?  Jewels?  Blow job?  No, no, no, he wants just a token really, a trifle.  What he wants is…….your firstborn child.

WHA?!?!?!?!?

Poor Cinderella, I’m guessing she’s just soiled that beautiful dress.  A missing jewel or two can be blamed on the maid (she should know) but how the hell can she ever explain to Thomas how their kid ends up missing?  Life lesson learned: always read the fine print.

Sometime later, Thomas catches Ella packing, getting ready to run away.  She tells him she’s pregnant and then clues him in to her deal with Rumpy.

Couldn’t you have just blown him?

You obviously have no idea how moldy and gross that thing is

She knows she’s about to lose everything, this life, him…..(YOUR baby)…..he tells her that magic may have brought them together but it didn’t create their love.  They’ll just make another deal is all.

Back in Storybrooke, Emma is questioning Ruby about Ashley’s whereabouts.  After confirming that babydaddy left her in the lurch, Ruby is distracted by her car being roughly let down from a tow (I think?).  She tells the tow guy to be careful; he almost broke her blown glass wolf thing and it’s good luck.

There goes your tip, Billy

Emma interrupts the slutty flirting asking about Ashley’s family.  She’s got a stepmom and two stepsisters she doesn’t talk to.  Henry knows who that means Ashley is, but Emma tells him ixnay on the cinderlay.

Ruby sticks up for her friend saying everyone keeps saying she’s not ready to have this kid, but hell, Ashley is trying; taking night classes, trying to better herself.  She thinks maybe Emma should just stay out of it.  Emma says she’s been through it too and she CAN help Ashley.  Then try her ex; he lives with his dad.

Of course said boyfriend is Prince Thomas, now known as Sean Herman.  Emma barely starts a conversation before Sean’s dad shows up to tell Emma his son has nothing to do with that little trollop anymore.  It’s obvious to Emma (and everyone watching) that this asshat is the reason they broke up and Dad is proud of the fact.  After all, what were they going to do?  Raise a kid in the backseat of a car?  Maybe.

Don’t be a deadbeat dad!

Emma tells Sean that Ashley’s running away, but dad gets him inside as quickly as possible.  Once Sean is safely indoors he tells Emma he went to a lot of trouble to get Ashley her deal to sell her baby and Emma better not fuck it up.

I’m getting a 20% for selling my grandkid.  Hell, the housing market ain’t what it used to be

Emma takes exception to Sean’s dad saying Ashley is not ready to be a mom; maybe she’s changing her life!  Oh, everyone says that, he retorts.  I think Emma is having a little transference here, wanting to change the choice she made, knowing that she’s changing just by being here with Henry.

It finally dawns on Emma that dad is talking about RumpyGold and he’s like DUUUH, what do you think you were hired for?

In the car, Henry tells Emma she can’t make Ashley double cross Gold; no one ever goes back on a deal with him.  She’s happy to be the first.  She says if Ashley wants to keep her baby she should.  In fact, anyone who wants to be a mother should be allowed to be one.  Hmmmmm……maybe Emma didn’t really want to give up her baby after all.  What do you think?

I don’t necessarily agree with Emma; there are some really shitty people in this world who should not be allowed to influence/get their hands on kids.  But I think Keanu says it best:

You know, you need a license to buy a dog, or to drive car, HELL, you even need a license to catch a fish, but they’ll let any butt-reamin’ asshole be a father.

They arrive back at the diner and Emma wants to know why Ruby didn’t tell her about the baby selling deal before.  Because she didn’t want Emma judging Ashley, okay?  Emma notices that Ruby’s wolf figure is on the counter and wants to know what happened to the car.  Silence.

Ohhh, she didn’t send Emma to Sean’s house to find Ashley, she sent her over there to give Ashley a head start.  She’s just trying to help her friend!  So is Emma!  She’s in more trouble than Ruby knows; where is she?  She’s not saying anything in front of Henry; he’s the mayor’s kid!

Emma sends Henry out after his protestation, saying Ruby won’t tell her anything with him there; he needs to trust her on this.  As soon as he leaves Ruby tells her that Ashley took off about a half hour ago; her plan was to head for Boston and then disappear.

Once Emma’s far enough away from the diner, Henry pops up in the backseat, asking what the scoop is.  She says he’s going to Boston and he can’t go with her.  Nu uh, he tells her; doesn’t she remember that bad things happen to people when they try to leave town?

She got no time to argue about the curse with him.  True, and therefore she has no time to take him home either so he’s gotta go with her!  Boo yah!

No one likes a smartass, Henry

Back in Fairyland, Grumpy conducts a tour of the converted mine that Charming and Thomas have decided to make Rumpy’s prison.  You see, everyone knows that he cannot resist making a deal, so Ella will tell him she’s got two buns cooking in her oven and that she wants to make a new deal with him for both babies.  She’ll get him to sign the deal with an enchanted quill, he’ll be frozen and transported to this prison where he’ll stay forever.  Easy, peasy, japanesy.

You know it’s not gonna be that easy, right?

Not to worry, Thomas tells her; whatever the price this magic costs, he will pay it to save her and their child.  Oh Tommy.  Not such a good idea me thinks.

Back in Storybrooke, Ruby’s car is in a ditch.  Henry gives Emma the old “I told ya so” look before they see Ashley sitting roadside.  In labor.  Yikes.  Ashley wants Emma to take her to Boston, but there’s no time, so they have to head over to Storybrooke General.

On the drive over Emma tells Ashley she won’t let Gold take the baby, but is Ashley really ready for this?  Yes.  Is she sure because Emma wasn’t.  She tells her her whole life is going to change and she has to be ready for that because once she decides to keep the baby there’s no more running away.  She has to grow up.  She can’t EVER LEAVE.  Get it?

Got it

In Fairyland Ella is waiting for Rumpy.  Once he makes his fashionably late entrance, Ella proposes the new deal to him.  She sells him on the twin deal, saying she wants Rumpy to fix the problems in Thomas’ kingdom in exchange for the babes.  You and I know that Rumpy is no fool and him agreeing to this cannot possibly be that simple.

Before signing the deal Rumpy warns her about paying the price of magic and if she uses this deal to….say…..imprison him, her debt to him will only grow.  Instead of immediately yelling WHOOPSIE and hightailing it outta there, Ella tells him to sign the contract already.  He does and is magically frozen.

Oooooiiiilllll.

The quill may have frozen his body but it didn’t do the same for his mouth and Rumpy tells Ella that no one breaks deals with him.  No matter where she is, no matter what land she may find herself in, he WILL have her baby.

As Emma and Henry wait for baby news, Henry obviouses that Emma is different; she’s the only one that leave Storybrooke.  She counters that he left to find her.  Yeah, but he was always coming back, he counters.  “You’re the savior.  You can do whatever you want.  You can go.”  Oh.  Poor Henry.  He knows it’s only a matter of time before she leaves and he’s worried now that she’ll do it when he least expects it.

Before Emma can respond the doctor arrives to tell them that Ashley gave birth to a healthy baby girl.  Two seconds later Gold arrives to collect his merchandise.  Jerk.

In Fairyland, Rumpy is loaded into a prison wagon while Ella tells Thomas how frightened she was of returning to her old life.  That’ll never happen, he tells her, not as long as he’s alive.  And…..labor starts.  Thomas runs off to find her some water.  Looks like it may have been false labor because Ella is feeling better and runs off to tell Thomas she’s fine.

Well, she would, if she could find him

She runs back to the prison cart to find out what Rumpy has done to her Prince.  He has NO IDEA what she is talking about (YEAH RIGHT), buuuuut…..he did warn her, didn’t he?  He tells her until the debt is paid and the baby is his, she’ll never see Thomas again!

In Storybrooke, Emma is pissed that RumpyGold didn’t tell about the baby selling.  Hey, that was a need to know basis and she didn’t need to know!  Anyway, he thought it would be more effective if she found out on her own.  She of all people understands what it is to give up a child.

Emma tells him there’s no way in hell he’s getting that kid.  Oh yes he is.  Oh no he isn’t.  He’ll just call the police which will land the kid in the system and she knows what THAT is like.

You’re a fucker.

Emma wants to know what it’s going to take for him to walk away.  Well, he’ll let Ashley out of her contract if Emma agrees to owe him a favor.  NO EMMA!  DON’T DO IT!!!!

She makes the deal.

Emma and Henry break the good news to Ashley who’s overjoyed to be keeping her baby.  Just then Emma notices it’s almost five.  Holy cannoli!  She’s gotta get Henry home before he gets busted!

Regina is ending her “meeting” which turns out not to be a meeting after all, but instead is an afternoon of sheet dancing with an as yet unknown partner.  (Sean’s dad maybe?)  as she leaves she reminds her lovah that his socks are under the bed.  Considerate!  Whoda thunk?

As Emma drives Henry home she says maybe her code name could be Pumpkin, you know, because of the whole Cinderella thing.  Nah, Henry doesn’t like it.  What then?  He’s not sure she’s ready (FOR MOMMY).  He jumps out of the car but Emma stops him.  What he said at the hospital about her leaving……Yeah?  He answers.  “See you tomorrow.”

Awwwwwwwwww

He makes it into the house juuuuuust ahead of Regina, rushing up the stairs to make it to his bedroom before she can catch him, losing a sneaker (a la Cinderella) on the stairs along the way.  He just makes it when Regina comes in yelling about him leaving his shoe on the stairs.  Someone could get hurt, you know.

Back at Storybrooke General, Sean has arrived to see Ashley and their baby.  He apologizes for being an ass and has brought a baby gift: shoes!  And then they kiss and make up.  So a happily ever after for them I guess?

Emma call the sheriff saying that maybe some roots wouldn’t be such a bad thing after all; she’d like to take him up on his job offer.  Is it still available?  Yup.  Won’t Regina be mad?  He doesn’t care.

A couple of multiple orgasms should take care of any issues!

Damn.  I totally didn’t see that one coming.  I thought he had the hots for Emma!  I guess we can all agree that he’s gotta be the huntsman, right?  Why do I have the feeling that this is not going to end well for him?

And there you have it, Gasmi.  What did you think of this episode?  Did you ever think of Cinderella as a golddigger before seeing this?  What about Emma’s story?  Do you think she really wanted to give Henry up or was she talked into it?  What the hell is RumpyGold gonna make her do to fulfill her deal with him?  And will the Sheriff asks Emma and Regina to go in on a threeway with him?

Apologies for the late recap – work was INSANE last week.  At least this way we have less time between episodes!  I can’t wait to hear what you all have to say about this one, so let’s get to it!!

SWAK, PottyMouth

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