Once Upon A Time Recap: Curses!

Gasmi, I was so excited this year when I saw the list of fall premieres.  Not one, but TWO fairy tale shows.  Could they both be good??  Did I have time in my busy TV watching scheduling for two new shows?  What if they get cancelled just as I really get into them?

You see, I was a kid that loved fairy tales, fantasy, sci fi, and anything just plain weird.  As an adult, I love those same things.  I devour books on vampires and other creatures of the night.  Adore weird as shit TV shows and movies.  Oh, and yes, I am not ashamed to admit it; I do love Disney.  So let’s just say both Grimm and Once Upon a Time are right up my alley.  Throw in the writers from Lost and…..well……let’s just say my nether regions are tingly just thinking about it.

So when Flipit sent out the recapper call for this show I was excited to see who would take it on; we have so many awesome writers here.  Not wanting to wait until the recap was published, I sent him a note asking if he got anyone to cover it.  Nope.  WHAT?!?!?!?  How could it be???  And so, jedi mind tricked once again by the big guy, I offered to take it on.  I hope you’ll join me……….

We start with our prologue, words on a black screen……”Once upon a time, there was an enchanted forest filled with all the classic characters we know.  Or think we know.  One day they found themselves trapped in a place where all their happy endings were stolen.  Our world.  This is how it happened…”

Oooooooooo………

From that ominous opening, we join a prince galloping over a bridge and through the woods until he reaches a clearing.  There, surrounded by dwarves, lays Snow White in her glass coffin.  You’re too late, the dwarves tell him.  Prince Charming puts forth his saddest puppy dog eyes and asks if he can just say goodbye.

Ummmm……looks like Princey Poo is a necrophiliac!

No, no, no.  It’s the power of true love which of course reanimates Snow White and brings her back from the dead. (Anyone else long for a Snow White zombie story where the Prince’s “kiss” makes her undead?  No?  Just me?)

You found me

I will always find you, the Prince tells her, did you doubt me?

Was I not just in a coffin, jackass?

Hey, better late than never, I always say!

From the forest we are whisked away to the happy couple’s wedding.  Of course there’s always that one relative that has to ruin it for everyone, dancing on tables, throwing up on the priest…..

Showing up to destroy your happiness forever.

Oh maybe she’s not there to ruin their happiness.  Let’s give her the benefit of the doubt people.  The evil queen tells them she has a gift for them.  They don’t want anything from her!

For my shower you didn’t even shop off the registry!

Oh, they’ll have her gift, the queen tells them, whether they want it or not.  Let’s hope she remembers to include a gift receipt.  Her gift to them is this happy day.  Enjoy it while it lasts mother fuckers, because her life mission has now become destroying your happiness for all eternity!  Bwahahahahaha!

Fuck this noise, Imma kill the bitch!

Holy Shit!  The evil queen is the smoke monster!!!!

Damn.  It’s so hard to kill those evil queen/smoke monster hybrids.  As Prince Charming holds Snow White, they fade to a picture in a storybook.  Some kid is reading the book on a bus.  Wow, that’s some imagination kid!  Some lady asks if it’s a good book, and the kid has obviously never been warned about talking to strangers because he answers her, saying it’s more than just a book. I bet she’s sorry she asked.

The kid arrives in Boston and hires a cab by holding up a credit card.  The cabbie doesn’t even wonder how/why the kid has a credit card?  Is this the fairy tale portion of the story??  No time for answers on this one.

Instead, we cut over to a fancy schmancy restaurant where hot blonde Emma is meeting up with hot date Ryan.  They met online and Ryan is really happy to see Emma actually looks like her online photo.  They jump right into first date chit chat and Emma reveals that she has no family or friends and today is her birthday.

Ryan totally thinks he’s getting some tonight

Nothing like a lonely chick on her birthday, right Ryan?  Looks like he’s got this one in the bag.  That is, until Emma decides to try and tell him something about himself.  Hmmm………tall, dark, sexy.  Oh, and an embezzler who ran out on his bail and left his wife holding the bag while he tries to bang lonely chicks.

Sound about right?

I’ll take that as a yes

Ryan takes off, running away from bondsperson Emma while she follows at a more leisurely pace.  You’re not gonna catch him by lollygagging, Emma!  But Emma has a trick up her sleeve; she put a boot on his car, so even though he gets there first, he ain’t going nowhere.  Hell yeah.  Emma is a badass.

Her work done with this deadbeat, Emma returns home, glad to be done running around in fuck me pumps for tonight.  She takes out a cupcake for herself and lights a candle.

I wish I could find the perfect guy for me

Not two seconds later, the doorbell rings!

I’m guessing Emma had something a little taller in mind!

The kid, Henry, lays it on Emma that she is his birth mother; she gave him up for adoption ten years ago and now he has found her and wants her to come home with him.  She threatens to call the cops and he tells her he will say she kidnapped him.  But Emma has a superpower.  She can tell when anyone is lying.  So she knows Henry is full of shit.

Pleeeeeaaaaaaase?

And just like that, Emma is going home with him.  To Storybrooke, Maine.  What is this?  A Stephen King novel?

This seems like a good time to check back in with Snow White and see what she’s been up to with her Prince.

Lots of hot fairy tale sex

That’s right folks, Snow White is preggers and still worried about what the evil queen has planned for them.  She hasn’t had a good night’s sleep since they got married.  Well, try telling Princeykins to keep it in his pants!

Prince Charming thinks the queen is just fucking with them, trying to get into their heads, but Snow White points out that the bitch poisoned an apple because she thought she was prettier than her.  He has no idea what that bitch is capable of.  Is there anything he can do to ease her mind?

Besides keeping it in your pants for one fucking night?

Snow White wants to talk to “him”.  No way!  There’s a reason “he’s” locked up!  Well, can the prince guarantee the safety of their child?  No?  “He” can!  “He” can see the future!!  FINE!  For the child, the prince will allow it.

Back in our world, Emma and Henry are headed back to Storybrooke in her car.  She notices his book and wonders what it is.  He’s not sure she’s ready.  Oh, okay, twist his arm!  It looks like a book of fairy tales, but all the stories in it are real and actually happened!  In fact, SHE is in his book as well.

I wonder if there’s a mental hospital in Storybrooke

Back to Fairyland.  The “him” Snow White was referring to and longing to speak with is Rumpelstilskin.  Dun dun dun!  The guard in charge of the prison tells them the rules:  stay out of the light, don’t feed him after midnight, and whatever you do, don’t tell him your name.  If he knows your name, he will have power over you.

First thing they do?  Step into the light.  D’oh!  Luckily it’s not after midnight because you just know these knuckleheads would feed him too!

Would you like that meal supersized?

Nope.  He just wants to know the name of their unborn child; then he will tell them whatever it is that they want to know.  Deal, Snow White tells him, without even consulting the prince in her decision.  I guess we know who wears the pants in that family!

Rumpilstilskin tells them that the queen is weaving a powerful curse, one that will send them all somewhere terrible; to a place where there are no more happy endings and time will be stopped while they suffer for all eternity.

There might be showers, but I can’t make that out

But don’t despair too much, for as is true in all fairy tales, there is hope.  If they get their child to safety it will return on its twenty eighth birthday to find them and the final battle will begin.  They turn to go, but the name!!  He must have the HER name!!!  The baby’s a boy, the prince tells him.  Nu uh, Rumpy says, Snow White knows he’s telling the truth, right?  Yup.  And she gives him her daughter’s name, “Emma”.

Shocking revelation!!

And so Henry and Emma arrive in Storybrooke.  Henry isn’t telling Emma his address, so she pulls over, perhaps thinking she can beat it out of him.  She tells him it’s been a long night and it’s almost……eight fifteen?  Oh, don’t go by the town square clock, Henry tells her, that thing hasn’t worked my whole life.

Guess what?  It’s part of the curse.  Time is frozen.  (Then how does he explain the fact that HE has aged?  Shouldn’t he have stayed a baby forever?)  Emma wants to know why they all don’t just leave then.  Because whenever someone tries to leave, bad things happen.  Again, Henry seems to be the exception to that rule because he left to go get her, right?

Shut it.

Sor-ry!!! Just then, a man comes down the street, walking his Dalmatian.  I immediately wonder why they are incorporating 101 Dalmatians into the story when it’s not a fairy tale.  I demand reality in my fantasy!  Anyway, the guy’s name is Archie and he wonders why Henry is with some chick he’s never seen before.  Henry introduces her as his mom.

Emma asks Archie if he knows where Henry lives.  Sure!  The mayor’s house is right over that way, can’t miss it; it’s the biggest one on the block.  Archie wants to know why Henry missed their session today.  Field trip, Henry replies.  What did Archie tell Henry about lying?  Well, technically it’s not a lie, right?  I mean he DID go on a trip to find his mom; couldn’t that be categorized as a field trip?

Don’t give in to your dark side my young padawan

Oh!  I get it!  Is Archie supposed to be Yoda?

Nope, Jiminy Cricket.

Emma thinks Henry needs help.  Not him!  Them!  Because they don’t know!  No one remembers who they were.  Emma gets the whole Jiminy Cricket thing; after all, it makes sense with all the lying Henry’s doing.  In fact, she thinks she just saw his nose growing.  Ugh, he’s not Pinocchio, Emma!  Of course he’s not, she counters, because that would be ridiculous.  Have I mentioned that I really like Emma?

Back in Fairyland, a council has convened to discuss the queen’s threat.  Prince Charming wants to fight, but Jiminy Cricket urges him not to go over to the dark side.  I guess that’s in case we thought Henry was lying after all.

Granny and Red Riding Hood are there, listening to the discussion, and Doc wonders if they can even trust Rumpelstilskin.  Prince Charming has sent his men into the forest and all the animals are a buzz with the queen’s plan.  Well, that settles it!

Snow White is deeply depressed and thinks there is no point; the future is already written.  No!  Good can’t lose, the prince tells her.  Yes, it can.  No, he insists, not if they have each other.  If she believes ole Rumpy about the curse, she has to believe him about their daughter, she will be their savior.

He’s a crazy dirty homeless person and my stepmother is a bitch.  I don’t know WHAT to believe anymore

Just then, the blue fairy arrives with a tree.  What the fuck is a tree going to do?  Well, it’s super powerful and can ward off any enchantment in the whole wide world if it can be fashioned into a vessel to hold someone.  Done!  Geppetto tells them; he and his boy are all over it!

Phew!  Crisis averted.  But wait.  There’s more.  With great power comes great limitations.  You see, the tree only holds enough power to protect one person.  Well, that sucks.

We rejoin Henry and Emma as they arrive at his house.  Henry begs Emma not to make him go back, but she thinks he belongs with his parents.  He doesn’t have any parents, just a mom who is evil and who only pretends that she loves him.  Just then, the door flies open and there is Henry’s mom.

No fucking way!

She rushes out to hug Henry and tell him how worried she’s been about him and he snottily tells her he found his REAL mom.  Wow, Henry sure knows how to throw a punch, doesn’t he?  He runs inside and Mayor Evil Queen asks Emma is she is Henry’s mom.  “Hi.”  Um, that’s not an answer.  Mayor EQ wonders if Emma would like some of the best apple cider she’s ever tasted.

Ruuun, Emma, ruuuuun!!

Actually, Emma could go for something stronger, so she joins Regina (Mayor EQ) inside for a drink.  Once inside, both Regina and Emma discuss the fact that neither of them knows how Henry found Emma given the fact that the adoption was closed.  Regina wonders if she needs to be worried about Emma.  Nope.

Once the sheriff leaves, they settle in for a little chat that consists of Regina telling Emma what a difficult balance mayordom and motherhood entail.  SINGLE motherhood.  Yes, she wants Henry to excel at life, so she’s hard on him.  That doesn’t make her evil, does it?

No, but the evil look in your eye does.  Having tightened Emma’s sphincter juust a wee bit, she sends her on her way.  Off Emma goes, heading back homer, when she realizes that Henry has left his book of fairy tales in her car.  “Sneaky bastard”.

Remember how Henry said bad things happened whenever someone tries to leave?

Nothing like a wolf in the road to ruin your day

Instead of just running the fucker over, Emma swerves to miss it and runs right into the Storybrooke sign.  On the Storybrooke side, natch.  As she sits unconscious in her car, we see that Henry’s book has fallen on the car floor.  Pages flip by Dorothy and the caterpillar until we see the enchanted tree and rejoin Fairyland with Geppetto hard at work.

Over in the royal bedroom, Snow White and Prince Charming are discussing the magical wardrobe.  Prince Charming insists that she must be the one to hide in it.  She doesn’t want to go without him but she will to save their unborn child.

Cue labor pains.  And…….here comes the curse as well.

Emma wakes up in a jail cell.  Grumpy (now known as Leroy) is in the cell next to hers, whistling “Whistle While you Work”.  He’s rude to Emma and gets chided by Marco (aka Geppetto) who apparently knows that she’s Henry’s mom.  Sadly, Marco has no children; he and his wife wanted one and tried for year, but alas, it wasn’t meant to be.  Poor Geppetto, no happy ending for him.

I even tried wishing on a star but that shit didn’t work at all.

The Sheriff arrives to let Leroy out, but it doesn’t look like he’s planning to let Emma out any time soon.  Seems he thinks she was a little intoxicated.  No way, there was a wolf in the road!

Remember that right to remain silent?  You totally should use it.

In comes Regina, telling the Sheriff that Henry has run away again.  Emma must be breathing a sigh of relief that she has the perfect alibi right about now.  Hey!  She has an idea; if they left her out of here she’ll help track Henry down for them.

Back at the Mayor Mansion, Emma is checking out Henry’s computer.  Smart kid, h’s emptied his inbox, but Emma just happens to have a recovery tool that she likes to use form time to time.  It’s with that that she finds out Henry’s recently been to a website called whosyourmomma.com.  Given the cost of the search for her, Emma wonders about Henry having a credit card.

What are you, an idiot?

No Mayor EQ, she’s not an idiot.  Looks like Henry’s used someone’s card and that someone goes by the name of Mary Margaret Blanchard.  Get it?  BLANCHard?  Who is this Mary Margaret?  Henry’s teacher.

And Snow White!!  Having an eternal bad hair day!

Of course Snow White doesn’t know she’s Snow White, but she’s still as sweet as ever, helping the kids in her class make birdhouses.  But they should remember that they are making the birds a home, not a cage.  A bird is free and will do what it will.  If you love them and they love you, they will always find you.  Awwwwwwww.

As the children head out to recess one child gives her a pear which is a nice touch.  Mayor EQ and Emma arrive to grill Mary Margaret about Henry’s whereabouts.  Why the hell would she give him her credit card to use?  Ummmm…no.

Looks like Henry stole her credit card.  She says she should never have given him that book.  What the fuck is this book everyone keeps talking about Mayor EQ demands?  It’s just an old book of stories Mary Margaret gave him.  He’s so special and smart and…….lonely.  He needed the book.

What he needs is a kick in the ass!

Off Mayor EQ goes stomping, to find Henry and give him a dose of reality.

Emma stays behind to apologize, but Mary Margaret says this is partially her fault; she gave Henry the book to help him.  How was the book supposed to help him?  She talks about how fairy tales are meant to help us deal with our world, a world that doesn’t always make sense.

She tells Emma that Henry hasn’t had an easy life.  Yeah, Mayor EQ is a hardass, isn’t she?  Well, it’s not just that, Mary Margaret tells her; being adopted, Henry wonders how his mother could have thrown him away.

No offense

Some taken

Snowy tells Emma she gave Henry the book because she wanted him to have the most important thing anyone can ever have: hope.  Believing in even the possibility of a happy ending is a very powerful thing.  Oh, and try looking for him at his castle.

Back in Fairyland, Snow White continues through her labor as Geppetto bursts in to tell them the wardrobe is ready.  Too late!  Doc says she can’t be moved at this point.  The Evil Queen rides toward the castle as the curse gets closer and closer.

Back in the royal chambers, Emma has been born.  As Prince Charming and Snow White nuzzle their bundle of joy it occurs to Snow White that only one of them can go into the cupboard.  Well, at least they’ll all be together in hell.  No!  He must take the baby and put her into the wardrobe; they have to give her her best chance.  Hopefully Rumpy was right and she’ll come back to save them all.

The Prince takes the baby and goes while Snow White sobs in her bed.  Where’s Doc with a percoset when you need him?  As he makes his way to the wardrobe, the Prince runs into some evil knights who have come to kill the child.  He defeats them and gets the baby into the wardrobe, whispering to her “Find us” before he closes her in.

Just then MORE evil knights arrive and Prince Charming is stabbed.  As he falls to the floor one of the knights tries to get the wardrobe open.  When he does, he finds it empty.

Success!  Sort of.

In our world Emma has found Henry hanging out on a deserted castle playground.  She gives him back his book.  He’s staring at the clock tower and says he thought when he brought her back here that things would change, that the final battle would begin.  She’s not here to fight any battles, so just cut all the book and destiny crap, ok?

Whatevs.  I can totally tell you like me

He says she’s just pushing him away because he makes her feel guilty, but he knows she gave him up so that he could have his best chance.  Commence tugging on heart strings.  Emma wonders how he knows that.  Because it’s the same reason Snow White gave her up.  He begs her to just spend a week with him, please, she has no idea how much his life sucks.  You want suckage?  Try being left on the side of road!  THAT SUCKS!!  They argue a bit about whether she was abandoned or if the side of the road where she was “left” is really just where she came through and Emma is done.  She is taking him home.

In Fairyland, Snow White is staggering around looking for Prince Charming.  She finds him, lying seemingly lifeless on the floor.  She tries to kiss him back to life, but I guess that only works for the guys because he remains limp in her arms.

Try kissing a little lower; I hear that works better for the guys

And here comes the queen to gloat.  She tells Snow White not to worry; in a few moments she won’t even remember she knew him, let alone that she loved him.  Why would she do this?  Because it is HER happy ending.  But not truly, because the child is missing.

Hahaha!  You’re going to lose!

We’ll see about that!  The queen unleashes the rest of her curse and the castle starts to crumble.  Where are we going, Snow White wants to know.  Some place HORRIBLE where the only happy ending will be the evil queen’s.  With that they are swallowed up by the smoke monster.

Mayor EQ’s doorstep.  Emma has returned Henry once again.  Mayor EQ offers an insincere thank you and says Henry seems to have taken a shine to Emma.  You wanna know something funny?

Nope.

Emma tells Mayor EQ that it was her birthday yesterday and when she blew out her candle she wished that she wouldn’t be alone anymore and then seconds later, there was Henry, on her doorstep.  Wish or not, don’t think you’re coming back into his life Mayor EQ tells her, do you know what a closed adoption is, dimwit?  Now get the fuck out of here!  Okay……but…….do you love him?

Yikes.  Anyone else just a get chill?  Regina says of course she loves him, but you and I know (and Emma sure as shit knows) that she is LYING.

Henry lies in bed as Regina confiscates his book.  Poor Henry.  She takes it downstairs and stops to look at herself in the mirror.  As she hugs the book to herself I wonder if she knows or if her curse worked on her as well.

Over at the hospital, Mary Margaret delivers white flowers to the patients.  She stops to hold an unknown patient’s hand before heading into a private room with glass walls.  There, laying in a neverending coma, is Prince Charming.  But just as the Evil Queen foretold, Snow White doesn’t remember him!

And so, he waits in a glass coffin of his own

Back at Mayor Mansion, Henry is staring at the clock, willing it to move.  No such luck.

Elsewhere in town, Emma arrives at Granny’s Bed & Breakfast just in time to hear Granny and Red Riding Hood yelling at each other.  Apparently Red is quite the slut.  They both look at her in shock when she says she would like a room.  Name please?  Emma.

Emma.  What a lovely name.

Well, I guess that answers the shower question!  Granny hands over a wad of cash and Rumpy tells Emma to enjoy her stay, gives Red a knowing look, and leaves.  When Emma asks about him, Red tells her he’s Mr. Gold; he owns the place.  The inn?  Nope.  THE WHOLE TOWN.

How long will she be staying for?  A week.  And then…….the clock starts.

And so, the final battle will begin.

And that’s it for the first episode. Gasmi.  What did you think?  Are you excited to see where the story will go next?  Or what characters we’ll meet?  Does the Evil Queen remember, or is she a victim of her own curse?  And what is the deal with Rumpy owning the town???

I can’t wait to hear what you guys thought!  New episode is on tonight, so jump right in here and we’ll talk again in a couple of days!  See you there!

SWAK, PottyMouth