I have missed this show SO much. Even after the sudden heart-squeezingly painful death of Sheriff HottiePants. Yes Gasmi, I’m still distraught over the demise of Hottie McSheriffPants. **sniffle**……single tear. Are you? Okay, then before we jump into the next chapter of our tale……..
A moment of silence.
Two moments of silence????
Damn! I need to move on and stop googling Jaime Dornan’s hot ass or I will never get this recap done! Seriously. That man has some FINE photos out there for the googling. Okay. I’ve hosed myself off and I think I’m ready to go now. Oh, not THAT kind of ready! Get your heads out of the gutters!!
ANYWAY…….this time around we start out in Fairyland where our favorite imp is sitting and spinning wool into……wool. Oh, and he’s totally not an imp yet; just a very dirty, very sad looking guys.
Before Rumpy got his groove
A young boy runs in through the door flap calling, “Papa, papa!” and something about “them” coming for more rain. Oh, sorry….Morrain, a recently turned fourteen neighbor girl. The “they” in question are a group of knights that have come to collect the girl as part of the Ogre Wars draft.
Sounds like they keep lowering the age of requirement so that the knights can round up peasant children for fighting duty. Fairyland, a great place to raise a family.
Needless to say the young girl’s parents don’t exactly want to let her go, but when they try to fight to keep her……….
Emperor Palpatine shows up and uses the force on them.
Either that or the horse ate some rotten oats.
It is not missed by Rumpy or his son that with the minimum age lowered; the riders will be coming back for him in just three days. What’s a dad to do???
Quick question for you Gasmi….did anyone else get creeped out by the knight’s look as he pulled the little girl onto the back of his horse? It reminded me a bit of that scene in Braveheart when the Duke shows up at the wedding to enforce his right of prima nocta. Anyone else get that vibe?
We leave questions of knight ethics and approaching fourteenth birthdays to head back to Storybrooke. Mr. Gold is painting something and a slight smirk appears on his face as Emma arrives at his shop looking for him. She makes her way to the back room and remarks on the stink of his painting materials.
Whoa! Did you have eggs for breakfast?
No, he’s painting with lanolin. It’s used for waterproofing, he tells her. Well, it stinks like a cow’s butt, and if there was a reason he called her, can they talk about it in the other room? Sure they can.
He just wanted to express his condolences; the Sheriff was a really good man. He also says he’s surprised that she’s still wearing the deputy badge because now that the Sheriff’s been gone for two weeks (snifflesnifflesniffle) and she’s been the acting Sheriff for those two weeks, it entitles her to wear THAT badge.
Yeah, I don’t know that I’m ready for that
As Emma starts to leave, Gold tells her that he has Graham’s things. You see, Graham rented an apartment from Gold and I guess in Storybrooke that means he gets all Graham’s shit when he dies? No wonder he’s got so much stuff in that store of his!
He was wondering if Emma wanted to take anything as a memento. If not, he could always give it all to Regina. Wow. He sure knows where to land that gut punch, huh? He ultimately convinces Emma to take a pair of walkie talkies, telling her she can use them to play with her boy. After all, time with one’s children is precious and before you know it, you lose them.
Kindhearted creepiness is even creepier than the regular kind.
Later, Emma meets Henry at the castle swingset. She hands over one of the walkies talkies, telling Henry she thought they could use them for Operation Cobra. He thinks they should cool it with Operation Cobra for a while. Messing with the curse only pissed HER off and got Graham killed. He doesn’t want to give HER any more of a reason to get mad.
My other mom is a total bitch.
Henry is so defeated here. He tells Emma that he’s glad she doesn’t believe in the curse, maybe that will keep her from messing with it and getting killed like Graham did. He says good always loses because it has to play fair and evil doesn’t. True dat, Henry, true dat.
Back at the Sheriff’s station it looks like Emma is ready to switch out her deputy’s badge for the real deal. Regina arrives, timing as impeccable as ever, to tell Emma that THAT badge is not for her. It’s been two weeks, promotion is automatic, Emma replies.
Over my dead body
The promotion is NOT automatic if the mayor decides to appoint someone herself, and obviously she won’t be choosing Emma. Who will it be? After due reflection (LOLOLOLOL), she has decided to appoint Sidney Glass (editor of the newspaper) as the new sheriff. Because covering the sheriff’s office for the newspaper makes him imminently qualified for the job. Or Regina is his puppetmaster, Emma opines.
Emma thinks that Regina can’t stand that things have been getting better in Storybrooke, and Regina scoffs at her, wondering how she can categorize Graham dying as things getting better. Oh, you know what she meant!!
Amazingly, Regina goes off on Emma about what a good man Graham was and how he made the town safe. And she does it all with tears in eyes!!!!! And she’s the bitch that killed him! Un fucking believable!!!! She tells Emma that she has not earned the right to wear Graham’s badge.
He picked me, Emma counters.
In more ways than one, so suck on THAT!!
He wanted to get the sheriff’s office out from under her thumb. And she is not getting back. Oh yes she is! And Regina tells Emma she is fired, takes the sheriff’s badge, and then heads on outta there. Damn!
Some time (and a half a bottle of scotch) later, Mary Margaret arrives home to the sounds of music blasting and the sight of Emma aggressively trying to fix the toaster. And by aggressively fixing, I mean bashing it against the counter and poking it with a screwdriver. Oh, and……it worked just fine before she got her hands on it.
Toaster, I dub thee…..Regina!
Emma brings Mary Margaret up to date on the whole firing thing and she is somewhat surprised to hear Emma speak so passionately about the post. What happened? Emma doesn’t know, she just knows she wants it back. No time to delve further into this because there’s a knock on the door.
Does Avon even call anymore????
Gold heard what happened (ya gotta love small towns) and he’s there to offer Emma some assistance, become her benefactor, if you will. He says two people with a common goal can accomplish many things, but two people with a common enemy can accomplish even more. Since when are he and Regina enemies???
Gold thinks it’s quite shocking how few people study the town charter. You see, it is there that it’s spelled out just what the mayor has the authority to do. Perhaps, he tells Emma, she’s not quite as powerful as she seems……….Ooooooooooo! Do tell!
Dang it. We’re heading back to Fairyland before we find out more!
Rumpy wakes his sleeping son (Bae) up, telling him they are going now. He’s decided not to sit around and wait for the knights to come back and get his son; instead they are hightailing it outta there. Bae thinks it feels wrong to run away, but Rumpy tells him it is worse to die.
As they trudge through the woods, they happen upon a beggar man asking for alms and Rumpy gives him some of what he surely cannot spare. But that’s good news, right? I mean, the old beggar in the road thing is always bad in fairy tales when you fob them off, so hopefully he’s gained a little luck with this act of kindness.
Seems strange that they just happened to be riding along the very road Rumpy was using to skedaddle, huh? Is there only one way in and out of that village? Rumpy covers quickly when asked why he’s on the road, saying they have some wool to sell at a fair in another town.
The knight thinks Rumpy looks familiar….what was his name? Spindleshanks. No……Treadwhistle? That’s not it…….Hobblefoot. No, wait! Rumpy’s son steps up and tells his dad’s name while Rumpy tries to hush him. Too late. The knight recognizes the name, adding “The Man Who Ran” to Rumpy’s moniker.
He asks if the boy is Rumpy’s son, what’s his name? How old is he? “I’m Baelfire and I’m thirteen”, Rumpy’s son replies, no hint of fear in his voice or demeanor. Meanwhile, Rumpy looks like he wishes he could disappear. When the knight finds out the boy’s birthday is in two days, he wonders if Rumpy taught him how to run as well. I guess the wool jig is up. He also tells Bae that his dad ran and it turned the tide toward the ogres in the battle. I’m sorry, but I find that a little hard to believe. If he was more like the Rumpy we’ve known already, sure? But this Rumpy?
Not buying it
Also, if they’re willing to almost kill parents to take their kids, do you really think they’d just let Rumpy live his life peacefully if he was a deserter that turned the tide of the war? Seems weird to me. That’s also why you have no mom kid; she couldn’t stand the sight of her yellabelly husband, so she took off.
Regardless of whether what the knight is spewing is true or not, he obvs knows that Rumpy is trying to get his son away from the draft, so he says maybe they’ll just take him with them tonight.
No! Don’t do that! Rumpy is beside himself. Well……here’s the thing…….the knight won’t take his boy tonight IF Rumpy kisses his boot.
I said…KISS. My. Boot.
Rumpy does and receives a quick kick in the face. So not cool. The knights leave, and the beggar man from before comes over to help Bae get his dad on his feet.
‘Twould be Child’s Play to get back at them……
Rumpy has nothing to offer him, but the beggar man says not to worry; Rumpy can just give him what he can spare and he will find some way to be his benefactor.
Back in Storybrooke, Regina is holding a press conference to announce Sidney as her choice for Sheriff. Huh. I’m a little surprised to find that the town has more than one newspaper. Unless these people are from the same paper and just covering the story for Sidney because he’s part of the story? I know, I know, it’s not like it really matters, but these are the little things that tend to plague my thoughts hours later.
Regina is just about to pin the badge on Sidney when Emma arrives. Tsk, tsk, how unladylike to not take the hint that you are FIRED, Regina tells her. But this time Emma is armed with the knowledge that Gold gave her; Regina does not in fact have the power to appoint a sheriff, only the power to appoint a candidate. And Emma intends to run. Well, so does Sidney, Regina counters.
Fine! Fine! Regina guesses we’re about to find out a little something about the will of the people. I don’t like the way she says that.
We rejoin Rumpy back in his village. Bae sleeps peacefully while Rumpy laments the loss of another day with the beggar man. Beggar man tells him he needs to find another way, choose a different path. Choose? What choice does Rumpy have?
You can choose to run away, you can choose to stay; it may not be a choice you like, but you DO have a choice! There are no victims in this hut!!
Rumpy points out that he is what ya call a coward, so the only choice he has is which corner to hide in. The only thing he has is his boy, and they are going to take him away from Rumpy. If they take him away, then Rumpy will truly, TRULY become dust.
WAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLTTTTTTTT! (Sorry, I couldn’t resist)
Apologies to the non-Lost fans; I usually do better when trying to contain the Lost references, but this one would not, could not go away.
Back to the convo…..The beggar man knows just how to help Rumpy. There is a dagger in the Duke’s castle with the true name of the Dark One (aka Emperor Palpatine) written on it. He who has the dagger controls the Dark One. But to keep the Dark One as a slave? Rumpy would poop his pants daily out of terror! Well then, maybe instead of controlling the power, Rumpy needs to steal it, beggar man says.
Back in Storybrooke, Regina has popped by Gold’s shop for a little visit. You see, she KNOWS that only he would have wasted time looking up technicalities in the town charter and she is not too happy that he’s decided to pit himself against her.
Are you sure you want to fuck with me?
Now, now, now; don’t let grief get the better of ya! He thinks it’s a real shame what happened to Graham.
You shut up YOU
He knows nothing about it, Regina says. Well, what’s to know, he wonders; the man died. Is he REALLY going up against HER?? Not directly. He says they are both invested in the common good (HA!), they’re just picking different sides. Good luck with your loser then! She hasn’t lost yet, he points out. Oh, she will.
Rumpy says Regina should never underestimate someone who is acting for their child.
For the last fucking time….he is NOT HERS, he’s MINE, dammit!!!!!!
Now who’s trifling with technicalities?
We jump over to Granny’s diner where Henry is doing something typical of every ten year old; he is reading the newspaper. Emma slides into the booth next to him asking how school was, and gets an “OK” in response. That’s more like it.
Henry shows Emma the article he’s reading; an article about her, written by Mr. Sidney Glass. The headline reads “EX-JAILBIRD: Emma Swan Birthed Babe Behind Bars.” Henry wants to know if it’s true. Well…..technically, yes, but there’s more to the story. Doesn’t matter, Henry tells her; this is what he was talking about before. She can’t win against them because they’ll stoop as low as low can get to win and she won’t because she’s good. It’ll never be a fair fight and so she’s doomed to lose.
Don’t worry kid, she’s got a new ally; Mr. Gold says he is going to help. Oh no! Henry says Mr. Gold is worse than his evil mom! Shit, Emma already owes him one favor! She doesn’t want to owe him any more than that, Henry points out.
Plus he’s got really funky breath AND is a close talker; it’s nasty.
Sometime later that evening, Emma pays a visit to Regina’s office paper in hand. That was a juvie record and was supposed to be sealed, how the hell did she get to it? Oh, Regina’s sorry, Emma didn’t want people to know she cut Henry’s cord with a shiv? Bwahahahahahaha! Regina may be a b itch but she’s a funny one.
Emma doesn’t give a shit what people know, she doesn’t want Henry hurt. He’s fine, he’ll get over it, Regina says. WRONG! He’s a depressed little kid, Emma points out. Can she imagine what it must be like for him to watch his adoptive mother throw a smear campaign against his birth mom?
Yaaaawn. Oh, that reminds me: I need to schedule a pap smear.
All she did was expose him to the truth. As for the legality…..she did nothing wrong. Said with a smirk. Say it with me now……BIATCH. Don’t stress too much; Emma can get into all that with Sidney at the debate, Regina tells her. Debate? Yea, debate, so get your index cards ready!
They can talk about jail and juvie records and maybe even her new association with Mr. Gold. Regina warns Emma that he is a snake and she might want to be careful before getting into bed with him.
Ewwwwwwwwww. I’m not getting into bed with him (have you smelled his breath?)
She’s not getting into bed with anyone, she’s just fighting fire with
Damn! That was some timing, huh? Some debris lands on Regina in the blast and leaves her unable to move. She needs Emma to get her outta there. LEAVE HER ASS TO BURN, Emma!
We’ll have to wait to see what Emma does because we now cut back to Fairyland where Rumpy and Bae are preparing to storm the castle, soaking wool in melted sheep’s fat. Bae doesn’t get why they are doing this; it’s good wool, why are they ruining it when they could sell it? Rumpy tells his son this wool is their way into the castle, and once inside, there is something he has gotta take; something that will keep Bae safe.
He then clues his kid in on the story of the dagger, adding that if he kills the Dark One with the dagger that bears his true name, Rumpy will steal his power for himself. Imagine him with those powers, can you imagine it?
No more boot licking for me!
He says he could use the power for good, not only save Bae, but help ALL the children. Bae wonders if it wouldn’t just be better for him to fight the way the law says he must. NO! The law really wants him to die, Rumpy tells him; they don’t care about the children, only feeding more bodies to the machine of war. Rumpy wants to put a stop to it, once and for all, and with these powers he’ll be able to.
Bae realizes that it was true, he dad DID run. Is it also true what they said about his mom? Did she leave or did she die like Rumpy told him? She IS dead
I guess that’s all Bae needed to hear because he’s back on board. What do they need to do? Rumpy says the Duke’s castle is made of stone, but the floors and rafters are made of wood; so they are gonna go pyro on that bitch!
Speaking of bitches, Regina is convinced that Emma is going to leave her to die. Of course the fact that Emma runs out the door leaving Regina behind doesn’t do anything to dispel those thoughts. But alas, Emma is too nice for murders of convenience; she left to go find a fire extinguisher and returns to retrieve the Mayor while dousing the flames as best she can.
Once outside, Regina scolds Emma for letting her down in a non-gentle way as the gaggle of people (and press) just happen to be there to witness Emma’s heroism. Emma can’t believe that Regina would complain about someone saving her life, but Regina points out that the fireman are already there; it’s not like their lives were in any real danger.
Are you fucking serious?!?!?!?
Emma almost says that next time she’ll just leave Regina there, but ultimately yells at her that she’d save her life again, even after knowing what a fucking ingrate she is. Because that is what good people do.
Sidney arrives to take a photo of the “victim” and Regina is having NONE of that! Does he just want to throw away the election?!? But it’s news, he tells Regina. SHE’S THE COMPETITION YOU FOOL!
You really are a nasty bitch. I hope this picture makes you look fat
Emma’s got a little group of supporters (Mary Margaret, Henry, Archie Hopper, Granny and Red) who are super impressed by her heroics and Mary Margaret thinks they should see if there’s a picture of the rescue; they can use it in her campaign! And off they go to make it happen. Henry stays behind and Emma tells him this is how good wins. You do something good and people see it and talk about it and want to help you.
Do I smell rotten eggs again? D’oh!
Emma’s off for a visit to Gold and says she knows he set the fire. He’s been at his shop the whole time. She waves the rope she found at him, saying it smells like his sheep crap oil, and oh, she found out that shit just happens to be flammable.
He points out that there is construction going on and basically he knows she can’t definitively prove it was him that set the fire, but what luck! She needed something big to counter against that nasty newspaper article……that fire turned out to be a lucky thing, didn’t it?
She says she is not going to go along with this. She just did, he points out. This is just the price of election, he tells her. Well she doesn’t want to pay it. Fine, go ahead, expose him. But maybe she should think about just what she would be exposing. And what she would be walking away from. Oh, and WHO she would be disappointing.
That is SO NOT FAIR
Back in the land of fairy, Rumpy and Bae arrive at the Duke’s castle and set a pile of straw on fire. Before long, there are flames everywhere. And no guards. Does that seem strange to anyone else? You know what’s also strange?
That the super secret, powerful, DarkOnecontrolling dagger is just hanging around on the wall.
Nice security system ya got there, Duke Dumbass.
Rumpy grabs the dagger, and just like the beggar man told him, the Dark One’s true name is written on the hilt.
LOLOL! Love it!
It’s debate day! Mary Margaret is making herself useful, hanging posters for Emma up on the bulletin board in front of town hall. She runs into David there. He is also hanging posters, but his are for Sidney because as you might remember, his fake wife Kathryn is friends with Regina. Wow, she’s got him whipped already.
They are too adorable
They share a nice little moment full of the longing we see every time they’re together, before Mary Margaret remembers herself and removes herself from David’s presence. Awwwwww……***sigh***. I feel so bad for these two.
Inside, Sidney prepares for the debate by smiling at himself in the mirror. Hee. Emma is preparing by staring guiltily at Henry through a gap in the curtain. Mary Margaret brings her her index cards (told ya!) and a water, and Emma says she’s not going to win.
Nonsense, everyone is talking about what she did in the fire, MM tells her. But Emma ignores her saying Henry is right; she can’t beat Regina at this, not the way she fights. MM wants to know if this is really just about beating Regina. No. Emma wants to show Henry that good can actually win.
Okay, that’s why she wants to win for Henry, but why does she want to win for herself. That IS why, she tells MM. If she’s not a hero or the savior, what part does she have in his life? Awwwww……you guys…….Emma really loves that kid.
I want to hug him and kiss him and squeeze him
Gold arrives just then and Emma shoots daggers from her eyes. She’s still not over the whole arson thing.
In Fairyland, Rumpy sends Bae home after the successful heist of the dagger, saying he’s got grown up business to attend to. Off you go! See you later alligator!
Once Bae leaves, Rumpy calls out the name of the Dark One, a couple of times to no avail. Poor Rumpy is disappointed…..until he turns around and finds ZosoPalpatine standing right behind him. Talk about a pantscrapping moment!
Don’t EVER do that AGAIN!!!
He tells the Dark One he has the dagger, he now controls him. Yep, too true, but use the power wisely, Zoso tells him. Zoso wants him to get going with the power wielding already and reminds Rumpy that it’s almost dawn; bet the knights are almost at your house to pick up your kid for the wartime carpool. That does it! And…….
This is not followed by the screaming or death moans you might expect. In fact, Zoso is surprisingly chipper for someone who’s just been stabbed in the heart. Oh! Hay!! It’s the beggar man! Oh shit. By stabbing him Rumpy has set him free and now has become the new Dark One! Guess he should have listened more carefully to the deal he was making; Zoso opines that he’ll never get into a deal without understanding it again.
Tricking you into killing me was……Child’s Play!
Too much? Can’t help it.
Zoso tells Rumpy that magic always comes with a price and now Rumpy is going to be the one that has to pay it. Why him? Because Zoso can always recognize another desperate soul. And with that, he dies and his power transfers itself to Rumpy completed with the inscription of HIS name now on the dagger.
Over at Storybrooke, Archie gives the introduction to the debate, telling everyone to vote their conscience before telling a bad joke which he follows up with a “Wow, Crickets”. Double Hee!
Sidney is up first and if you were wondering, yes, Regina certainly did write his speech (either that or he gave her a copy which she memorized so that she could mouth it along with him). Within the speech he says he would like to serve as a reflection of the best qualities of Storybrooke. (Love) Honesty, neighborliness, and strength.
GoldsetthefireandIcantproveitbutIknowhedidit breeeeath andIthoughtIwasgoingtogoalongwithitbutItotallycantsoIguessIquit
Mr Gold gives her a dirty look as he hobbles out of the hall, and Regina does a much better job than I ever thought she could at containing her glee at this development.
Emma has escaped to Granny’s to drown her sorrows and that’s right where Henry finds her. He’s proud of her and show it by giving her one of the walkies talkies that somehow he now has, saying Operation Cobra is back on. Emma doesn’t understand.
He thinks it’s pretty amazing that she stood up to Mr Gold; that’s what heroes do, expose stuff like that. Looks like she’s restored Henry’s faith in the power of good.
Regina and Sidney arrive on the scene, Emma thinks to gloat, but she’s SO wrong because SHE has won the election!! Regina says the vote was close (yeah, right) but people seem to really like the idea of a sheriff brave enough to stand up to Mr Gold. Regina may not be happy about the election, but she sure is about Emma making a brand new enemy.
Have fun with that!
I think that may have been the most genuine smile we’ve seen from her yet!
The knights have arrived at Rumpy’s hut, ready to take his boy away. Rumpy arrives, stabbing one of the knights and looking less like the sniveling Rumpy. The head knight knows immediately what this means and goes to his knee, saluting the new Dark One.
As Rumpy approaches, it looks like the knight may recognize who he used to be, but he seems to have forgotten his name already. Until he sees it written on the dagger. Then looks like he wants to puke. Rumpy tells the knight to kiss HIS boot and then
Breaks his neck
Yeouch! That’s gotta hurt. He dispatches the rest of them quickly, all in front of his son who looks at him like he has no idea what has become of his dear old dad.
And just how much candy he had to eat for ALL his teeth to rot overnight.
Bae is frightened, but Rumpy is not; he is protecting what belongs to him. And he’s not scared of anything. YIKES. From coward to creepy in the stroke of a dagger. Scary.
Gold drops by the sheriff’s office where he’s left Graham’s jacket as a gift for her, thinking she might want it afterall. She wonders for a quick moment if he’s armed, but he clears it all up rather quickly, basically saying that he planned her exposure of him, knowing that even the fake hero set up wasn’t something big enough to get her elected. But her standing up to him where the whole town could see? Priceless.
Way. He knew she’d take that bait because he’s very good at recognizing a desperate soul. And now that she’s sheriff, he’s sure he can think of some way for her to repay that favor she owes him. Enjoy your day!!
And that’s this week’s episode, Gasmi. What did you think? I know Graham’s death was a hard act to follow, were you happy with Rumpy’s backstory? For me, I’d really like to see what happens to his son, but I liked getting some insight into his obsession with both children and contracts.
I cannot WAIT to hear what you guys think!
To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!
If you follow, I might Tweet