Once Upon a Time Recap: Love’s a Beast

Hiya Gasmi!  Welcome to a very special Valentine version of Once Upon a Time.  Tonight we’ll explore popular Valentine themes such as kidnapping and torture, insecurity, adultery, insanity, and of course, the ever-romantic Ogre Wars.

Ooooooo….love to love ya, baby!

We also got a new take on the Beauty and the Beast story with Rumpy stepping into the role of the Beast.  I’m gonna warn you….Belle is my FAVORITE of all the princesses so I was dying to see what they were gonna do with her.  Did I love it or hate?  You’ll have to read on to find out!! 

We open in the kingdom down under where bad news has arrived from the battlefield.  If only “he” had come, a young man opines.  Well he didn’t!   Belle’s pop, Maurice laments that ogres aren’t like men; they could now be unstoppable.  But Belle still has hope:  “he” could be on his way right this very minute!!

Suddenly…a knock is heard at the door!  No one is there when they answer because Rumpy has already popped directly in and is sitting on the throne!

Ooooo…..indoor plumbing!  What a treat!

It’s not that kind of throne.  UGH

Rumpy recalls receiving a message from them.  Something like….”Help.  Help.  We’re dying.  Can you save us?”  They’ll be pleased to hear that his answer is yes.  Well, for a price of course.  What the hell?  King Maurice already promised him a pile o’gold!  LOL!  Soooooo amusing given the fact that Rumpy MAKES gold.  Ha!  Ummm…..yeeeeah……he’s not interested in gold.  What he wants from you is…….

Your daughter.

Oh hayell to the no!  King Maurice is not giving up his kid; the young lord standing by isn’t either – you see, he’s really her betrothed, Gaston.  Rumpy gives a rat’s ass about her being engaged; he’s not looking for love.  He’s looking for a caretaker for his rather large…..estate.  I’ve heard what they say about men with large estates…..

It’s all true.

Hey now!  Rumpy makes it clear; it’s Belle or no deal.  King Maurice tells him to get the fuck out, but Belle can see the bigger picture, so she overrides the protests of dad and fiancé and agrees to Rumpy’s terms; as long as he promises to keep her friends and family safe.  Deal?  Deal!

Yay!  My estate’s been so long neglected!!

Belle’s dad urges her to reconsider; she cannot possibly go with this, this…..beast.  She can and she does.

Over in Storybrooke, a florist is at work loading (or unloading) his delivery truck when he discovers Gold waiting for him.

Game of Thorns!  LOVE it!!

Moe French (aka Maurice) seems to have fallen behind in his loan payments so Gold is there to repossess his delivery truck in lieu of money owed.  No!  Wait!  Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, the biggest day of the year for florists (and chocolatiers and Hallmark; don’t get me started).  He’s got a grand worth of roses in the back; Gold has to let him sell them!!  Not gonna happen.  Moe is left figuratively shaking his fist as Gold’s muscle drives off in the truck.

As Gold leaves, he runs into Regina who just happens to be there, waiting for him.  She’s got something she’d like to talk to him about.  No time to say hello/good-bye, Gold’s late.  He tells her that when there’s something HE’D like to discuss, they can have that little chat.  She tries to insist, but Gold drops a little please on her and she is forced to step aside.

Oops, he did it again!

Is it wrong that I thoroughly enjoy EVERY SINGLE TIME that happens?  Her look of renewed bafflement never gets old.

Meanwhile, over at Granny’s, Mary Margaret and David are making googly eyes at each other while pretending to discuss Anna Karenina.  Looks like David is reading it at her suggestion.  Interesting, no?  They try to play nonchalant when Ruby comes over, but they are busted.  Not that Ruby cares.  Emma arrives, and also sees what is going on, but she’s more concerned with how Henry is doing than her mom and dad committing fake adultery on his fake wife.

I’m trying to avoid the fake mental pictures

Mary Margaret assures that Henry is fine; he’s his normal self.  She tells Emma that Regina won’t keep them separated forever:  “People that are supposed to be together?  They find a way.”  The meaningful glance she gives David after this statement is lost on no one.

We won’t have to dwell on it though because Ashley and her baby have arrived.  Ashley’s not in the best of moods considering her man’s always working and she’s left home alone taking care of the babe.  Also, it’s Valentine’s Day and Sean is working, so that sucks maybe more than usual.  No need to despair!  Ruby thinks they should do a girls’ night out!  She invites Mary Margaret and Emma which seems a little weird considering the age difference, but I’m sure it’s necessary to plot development, so I’ll just go with it.

Emma declines, but says Mary Margaret would be THRILLED to join them.  Nice.  I’m betting someone might be grounded.

BIG time.

Shit……I was hoping for some lovin under the Troll Bridge.

Yikes!  She might be going to bed without supper as well!  Emma can’t stick around for her mom’s dirty looks; she’s being paged by the station.  Gotta go!

Gold arrives home to a door ajar.  It doesn’t take him long to figure out that he’s been robbed.  He gets out a gun (gasp!) and begins looking around to see if the thief is still there.  Emma is also on the scene; his neighbor saw the front door open and called it in.  She finds it interesting that he keeps getting robbed.  He tells her that he’s a difficult man to love.  No Shit.

In Fairyland Rumpy and Belle arrive at his home and he immediately takes her to her room.  Well, dungeon really, but he thought room sounds nicer.  He shoves her inside, locks her up and gives one of his weird little giggles before strolling off.

Later, he explains what his expects of her.  Namely, cleaning, serving meals, laundry, and dusting his collection.

I don’t have to touch those creepy puppets, do I?

Hey Belle, puppets are people too.  Especially THOSE puppets.  Rumpy goes on, saying she’ll also fetch straw for his spinning and skin the children he hunts for their pelts.  He’s kidding about that last part, but Belle doesn’t know and drops the teacup she was holding in horror.  Hee!  Chip is born.  Very cute.

Back in Storybrooke Gold is telling Emma to skedaddle; he knows exactly what was taken and who took it.  He’s got it from here.  Uh, no you don’t.  This was a robbery and if he doesn’t tell her what he knows she will arrest him for obstruction of justice.  Ha!

As you may remember, Gold is no fan of being caged, so he fills Emma in on the Moe deets.  She’ll check it out and Gold sounds like he’s planning on getting to Moe first to deliver some homespun justice.  The threat is not lost on Emma.

Sometime later in Fairyland, Belle is on a ladder (sadly not perusing the giant library that she should) trying in vain to open the curtains.  She jokingly asks Rumpy if he’s nailed them closed.  He has.  While she’s tugging away at the curtains, she asks Rumpy why he spins so much gold; he already has more than he could ever possibly spend.  He does it to forget.  Forget what?

Don’t remember!

Guess it’s working!!  Belle finds him to be amusing and I guess it’s true what they say about some gals being turned on by a sense of humor.  Either that or she’s secretly longing for some goat lovin’.  That laugh of his is a sure turn on for anyone with a goat fetish.  Not that I would know.

Belle’s still tugging away at the curtains and when she finally is able to get them open, she falls off the ladder in the process.  Luckily Rumpy is there to catch her.

My…..hero????

Over in Storybrooke, Emma has recovered Gold’s stolen property; Gold was right it was Moe.  Unfortunately she hasn’t been able to locate him, just Gold’s stuff.  Not everything, Gold tells her; there’s still something missing.  Emma assures him that she’ll get whatever it is as soon as she finds Moe.  “Not if I find him first” says Gold darkly.

Back to Fairyland again!  Rumpy and Belle seem to have gotten closer since the last time we saw them.  She asks why he wanted her there.  Well, the place was filthy.  She’s not buying that; Belle thinks that he wanted her with him because he’s lonely.  He neither confirms nor denies those suspicions.  She changes the subject (sort of) and tells him that she found children’s clothing in one of the upstairs rooms.  Rumpy gives it to her straight (weird, huh?) and says it belonged to his son, but the boy is lost to him now.

When are you going to tell us what the fuck happened to him?!?!?!?!?!?

Seriously, I’m fucking chomping at the bit to find out.

She gets that at some point he was a man and asks him if she’s not going to know anyone else in her whole life, can’t she know him.  He thinks maybe she does want to know him, but then again….maybe she just wants to learn the monster’s weaknesses!  She rolls her eyes at that one.

She tells him that he is not a monster.  He thinks he is uglier than what he is; that’s why he covers all the mirrors, isn’t it?  (WRONG!!)

Their conversation is interrupted by a knock at the door.  It’s Gaston, come to rescue Belle.  The planned rescue is cut short as Rumpy casts a spell turning Gaston into a rose.  Is it wrong that I giggled?  Rumpy presents the rose to Belle as a gift (causing more chuckles) and I just about die as she looks for a vase and then cuts down the stem, trimming for it for the vase.

Poor Gaston is now an amputee.  Make that a double. 

Rumpy asks Belle why she decided to go with him.  She wanted adventure in the great wide somewhere; she wanted it more than she could tell.  She tells him there weren’t a lot of options for women in her kingdom (hell, her marriage was arranged), so she was happy to strike out on her own as the eternal servant of a weird glittery imp.  Makes ya wonder just what the fuck was going on in that kingdom, doesn’t it?

Her forthright answer seems to have struck a chord within Rumpy.  He offers her a new deal.  If she goes into town and gets him a fresh supply of straw, he’ll tell her the story of what happened to his son when she returns.  DO IT!! DO IT!!

In Storybrooke it’s Ladies Night!  It looks like Granny’s isn’t the only hot spot in town.  Huh.  Now I really don’t understand the whole diner/bar thing.  But there are bigger questions to answer here, like what is the drinking age in Storybrooke?  I’m pretty sure Ashley’s not 21 yet, but she doesn’t seem to have had any issue getting served.

Yes, yes, I know there’s such a thing as fake driver’s licenses, but Storybrooke doesn’t strike me as a place that you’d be able to get away with that.  (Remind me later to tell you guys my fake id story)  Then again, there was a coma patient who had a fake wife all this time and no one seemed to know.

Anyway!  Ruby’s on the prowl (shocking) and leaves the gal table to go flirt with some dudes, leaving Ashley and Mary Margaret to bond.

Meanwhile, over at Sneezy’s drugstore, David is picking out a Valentine’s Day card.

Or two.

He runs into Gold who is also picking up some Valentine supplies:  rope and duct tape.  Kinky!  Gold notices that David’s buying two cards, but HIS purchase choices don’t seem to register to David as odd at all.  Maybe he’s into a bit of light bondage as well!

In no time at all, Gold has Moe French tied up and gagged in the back of his own repossessed delivery truck!  Dang!  How’d Gold find him before Emma?

Back in Fairyland, Belle is making her way into town when she runs into Queenie.  Or, I should say, Queenie runs into her.

What a coincidence!

Queenie seems to really enjoy those carriage rides, doncha think?  Before Belle knows it, Queenie has decided to take a stroll with her.  Anyone that knows Queenie knows she’s got something brewing in that cauldron she calls her brain, so it’s not really a surprise when she starts to question Belle.

She notes that Belle is carrying very little, and correctly guesses that she’s running away from something.  Make that someone.  Lover or master, Queenie wonders.  Both.  Hmm……that makes things a leetle more complicated.

Belle makes an attempt at ditching Queenie, but fails miserably.  Belle admits that she might love her employer but something evil has taken root inside him.  Sounds like a curse to Queenie (and she would know!).  Luckily all curses can be broken; with True Love’s Kiss.

Belle gives her a look and Queenie assures her that she would NEVER suggest a young woman should kiss a man who held her captive: “What kind of message is that?”  HAHAHAHAHAHA!  I guess a completely different one that an Evil Queenie ripping out someone’s heart and then having her guards drag him off to her bedchamber, right?

Are you there God?  It’s me, the Huntsman.  HELP ME!!!

So glad she’s into positive messages.  Besides, if he loves her, he’d let Belle go, says Queenie.  And if he doesn’t love her the kiss won’t even work.  But he did let her go!  Is a kiss truly enough?  Yes!  True Love’s Kiss will break any curse.

Back at home, Rumpy waits to see if Belle will come back, staring sadly out the window, clearly thinking she is gone for good.  But wait!  There she is!  He rushes over to his spinning wheel to pretend he totally wasn’t pining away for her while she was gone.  Belle sees through him and he admits that he is not Unhappy to see her return.

Belle tells him she really wasn’t sure she was going to come back, but something made her change her mind.  And then…..

Immediately his skin starts changing back to a more human, less bedazzled tone!  Looks like the kiss is working!!  Not for long.  Rumpy quickly and correctly deduces that the Queen put Belle up to kissing him.  UGH!!  It doesn’t matter you idiot!  She probably would have done it on her own anyway.  Too bad he cannot believe that she could possibly REALLY love him, so the paranoia explodes out of him.  Queenie’s trying to rob him of his power!  Belle’s trying to be the hero and kill him!  She doesn’t love him; no one can!!

He runs over to the mirror, shouting at it, clearly talking to Queenie, while Belle looks at him like he just might be crazy.  He yells (to the mirror) that she’ll never be more powerful than him!  NEVER!  And then he grabs Belle and drags her down to his dungeon.

Over in Storybrooke, Gold’s got Moe tied up and ready to terrorize.  Remember the adorable cottage that David and Mary Margaret found in the woods?  Well Gold knows about it too and he’s brought Moe there for a little Love, Rumpy Style.

Love hurts.

Yikes.  Okay, obviously he’s not interested in tapping Moe’s ass.  Nope.  He IS interested in KICKING it.    He’s also not afraid of a little caning, and whacks Moe about a bit before ramming his cane up to Moe’s throat, saying he’ll let him breathe again when he tells the truth about what he stole and who told him to steal it.

No answer.  More beating.  But I don’t think this is just about a stolen item, not with what Gold is yelling at Moe:  “You had her love and you shut her out!  She’s gone.  She’s gone forever; she’s not coming back, and it’s YOUR fault.  YOU ARE HER FATHER!!!!”  It’s pretty sad because clearly Moe has no idea what the crazy man is talking about.  And Gold looks like he is gearing up to beat the man to death.

In Fairyland Rumpy is having a hissy fit, throwing things around and smashing everything in sight.  The one thing that stops him in his tracks is the chipped teacup.  I think deep down inside he knows he just fucked up royally.  Either that or he’s afraid Mrs. Potts’ will kick his ass if he smashes her kid!

Sing me a song, laddie.

Over at the bar with no drinking age, Ashley is still tying one on with Mary Margaret when Sean arrives.  He’s got a dozen roses, an engagement ring, and a twenty minute break; will she marry him?

DUH.

When Mary Margaret heads home, she runs into David outside.  Awwwwww.  He’s coming looking for her to give her a Valentine’s Day card.  Too bad he gives her Kathryn’s by mistake.

Maybe you should have labeled those envelopes.

Mary Margaret says that she always thought if two people were supposed to be together that they should find a way.  But if this is their way; she thinks they should find another one.  She tells him to go home to Kathryn.  He says it doesn’t mean he is going to give up; they will find a way.  She hopes so.  SNIFFLE.  What?  It’s allergies.

Over at Gold’s place Emma is telling him how lucky he is that he didn’t fuck Moe up beyond repair.  Ha!  Lucky, sure.  She thinks he has a funny idea of justice; what did he really do?  Gold’s reaction was about more than just trinkets.  What was it about?  Maybe she can help!

He’s not giving her any information, but Emma stops Gold as he tries to leave and arrests him!  Oh snap!

Back in Fairyland, Rumpy tells Belle to get the fuck out; he doesn’t want her anymore.  Fine!  She’ll go, but not before she gives him a piece of her mind.  She tells him he’s craven.  No matter how thick his skin may be he’s still a coward.  Rumpy fakes indifference, telling her that his power means more to him than she EVER could.

Liar.

He’s made his choice and he’s going to regret it.  Forever.  All he’s got now is an empty heart and a chipped cup, Belle says.  See if that can take of your large estate for ya.  She leaves, looking heartbroken.

In Storybrooke’s sheriff’s office, Emma is eating a tasty pastrami sandwich and offers some of it to Gold as a way of repaying the favor she owes him.  Yeah……no.  He’s saving that one for something a bit more than a sandwich.  Regina arrives and offers Emma a deal:  thirty minutes with Henry if she’ll let Regina spend that time here with Gold, alone.  DONE!!

Once Emma has gone, Gold says she reeeeaaally wanted that chat, huh?  Yup, and it seems like this is the only way she could do it.  Please……sit, he tells her.  She does, natch.  (I told ya, never gets old)

He says when two people each have something the other wants a deal can always be struck; does she have what he wants?

You bet yer bedazzled ball sac.

With a little more prodding she admits to telling Moe exactly what to take from Gold.  She says they used to know each other so well; has it really come to this?  It seems it has.  She knows what he wants; what is it that she wants.  Just the answer to one itty bitty question:  “What is your name?”

At first Gold pretends he doesn’t know what she’s talking about, and says it’s Mr. Gold.  She means his real name.  Every moment he’s spent here, that has been his name.  But what about elsewhere?  He deflects the question, asking her what she’s asking him.  Oh, she thinks he knows!!

If he wants her to return what Moe took, he’d better cough up the name.  He reeeeaaaaallly wants whatever it is that Regina has, so he finally tells her:  “Rumpelstiltskin.”  OOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!  Regina keeps her end of the bargain, returning to him the chipped teacup, which he cradles tenderly in his hands.

My baybeh!

Now that he’s been outed, Gold warns her that he’s the one with the REAL power.

Bring it

Yes!  Can’t wait to see these two get down and dirty!!!

This scene is nicely bookended with another trip back to Fairyland.  Queenie arrives at Rumpy’s place, telling him she’d like to discuss “a certain mermaid” (LOVE IT!!).  But he’s in a crap ass mood since Belle left and doesn’t feel like conniving with Queenie today.  She sees through him and with barely concealed delight tells him of Belle’s fate.

Because of her association with him, she was treated as damaged goods upon her return to the kingdom down under.  Her dad locked her away in a tower, brought in clerics to cleanse her souls via scourging and flaying.  She was so distraught over the whole thing that she leapt to her death.

on’t believe her Rumpy!

But he does.  Nooooooooooooo!!!!  She can’t be dead!!!!!!  Queenie saunters out making a snide remark as she goes about how dusty his place is:  “You should get a new girl.”  Damn.  She is a BITCH!

He takes Chip out of the cupboard; everyone needs a good handle to cry on from time to time.

We head back to Storybrooke where Regina strolls through the hospital, coming to a locked door.  She inputs a code into the keypad and arrives in a separate section where a nurse awaits.  Oh look!  Regina’s brought her a Gaston rose!

You shouldn’t have!

Nurse Crankyhat assures Regina that no one has been by to visit her; no one EVER comes to visit. Never, ever, ever.  Regina strolls down the hall to take a peek…..

I KNEW IT!!!!!!!

I knew she wasn’t dead!  Is it just me, or did Belle look like she might know more about what’s going on than some other people we’ve met in Storybrooke??  Holy crap – what do you think Gold is going to do when he realizes Belle’s been there all this time?!?!?!  Holy fuckballs – someone’s going to pay!!

And that’s the episode, Gasmi.  What did you think?  Like I said earlier, I have a few issues with the Beauty and the Beast telling.  The first one was that I really missed Belle’s love of books.  It’s one of the reasons she’s my favorite princess and I was disappointed that they didn’t keep that part of the story.  I also felt like there could have been another scene in there, in the middle of the falling in love, so it didn’t seem so abrupt.  We’re told time passed, but I didn’t really feel it, ya know?

Other than, I loved it!  I’m DYING to hear what you guys thought!!  So……let’s get this party started!

SWAK, PottyMouth

 

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