Holy Shit, Gasmi! This week we got the answer to a question that’s been on all of our minds since the beginning of this series….
What crawled up my ass and died?
Why, YES, your majesty! That’s right! We FINALLY find out just what the fuck Snow White did to piss the Queen off so much. So let’s get right to it!!
We start out in Regina’s office. She is staring at a gold ring (looks like a wedding band) and rolling it around between her fingers, before finally bringing it up to her lips. She’s interrupted by Gold’s voice asking “Remembrance of things past?” As she asks what he wants, we find out this is taking place one week ago.
Mr. Gold says he needs a favor. He’s got those battery charges pending against him and he really doesn’t want to end up locked in a cage. So maybe she’ll put a word in with the D.A. for him. What’s in it for her? Help with her Mary Margaret problem. HOLY GUACAMOLE! The entire “Kathryn needs to disappear so that Mary Margaret can get framed for her murder” plan was HIS IDEA!!!!
Must I think of everything??
And so a plan is born. Right down to the skeleton key in her cell! She wants to know why the hell she should trust him. “Because I always honor my agreements.” WHOA. I’m still thinking he’s got some motive of his own at work here, but I have to admit that was surprised to find out that the murder plot was his idea.
Over in Fairyland, a younger, happier Regina is riding her horse while Daddy Henry cheers her on. Arriving to spoil everyone’s good mood is Regina’s mom, Cora.
Damn! Barbara Hershey can play a psycho mom like no one’s business!
So Cora arrives and immediately chastises her daughter for riding like a man. She should be using a saddle. Regina says she was just having fun. Mommy thinks she’s getting a little old for fun. Who’s going to want to marry her when she behaves like a commoner?
Please don’t be such a meanie.
Pleh! Stop coddling her, Cora tells Daddy Henry. Regina is becoming an old maid; all the other girls her age are married. She had such high hopes.
The stable boy tries to help Regina out by interrupting to give her the saddle, and is rudely rebuked and warned not to interrupt again when Regina and Mommy are talking. Damn! That’s not nice.
May your non-saddle riding ass sprout a billion boils!
Once he’s gone, Regina asks why her mom always has to criticize her. Uh, because that’s what Mommie Dearests do, darling. Regina starts to leave, but Cora isn’t having that; she hoists her daughter up into the air (magically of course) while Daddy Henry pleads with her to stop. Regina really doesn’t like mom using magic against her, and gives in to her demands to make it stop. And you thought YOUR mom was bad!
Tabasco sauce in the mouth? HA! That’s nothing compared to what I can do!!
She runs right to the stables to apologize to Daniel (the stable boy). Looks like they have a secret romance going on!
What gave that away?
In Storybrooke, Emma is in a hurry. Too much of a hurry to talk to David. He wants to know how Mary Margaret is doing, and Emma wants to know how he THINKS she’s doing. He thinks the last time they spoke she didn’t get what he meant. “Oh you mean that you basically told her you think she might be guilty?”
I didn’t mean it like that!
Uh huh, yeah right. Emma’s not buying his excuses either and tells him Mary Margaret doesn’t want any visitors. He correctly assumes that what that really means is Mary Margaret doesn’t want to see HIM. Can you blame her, dude? Emma tells him the last thing Mary Margaret needs right now is words of encouragement from him. Well, what does she need? “A miracle.”
Over at the sheriff’s office, Mary Margaret is sleeping when she suddenly gets the feeling that someone is there and bolts awake. Yup, it’s Regina, come to gloat. Anyone else think that this is probably a daily occurrence?
She tells Mary Margaret that they say that only the guilty sleep in prison. What does she want? She wants to give Mary Margaret a chance to confess and save everyone the heartache and expense of a trial. Why not just confess, because either way she IS leaving Storybrooke. Mary Margaret wants to know why Regina likes that thought; what did she ever do to her to make Regina hate her so much?
How much time do we have?
In Fairyland, Regina meets Daniel who suggests they ride over to firefly hill for a little afternoon delight. Unfortunately she can’t stay for long; she has to have tea with her mom. He thinks this situation is absurd; when is she going to tell her parents about them? Uh…..never? She says it’s not her parents, it’s her mom. He doesn’t get it. SO what he works in the stables; Cora started out as the daughter of a miller. MILLER’S DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!! Ooooooooooooooo!
Daniel keeps pushing for Regina, asking what Cora could possibly do; she’d have to get over it eventually. Has he not seen her magic? He doesn’t care about Cora’s magic; True Love is the most powerful magic of all. It can overcome anything.
Their rendezvous is disturbed by the sight of a young girl flying by on a horse gone wild. She’s bouncing around like crazy and screaming for help, so Regina hops on her horse and saves the day. The girl is Snow White!
And she is super grateful to Regina for saving her and vows to never ride a horse again. Oh no, she mustn’t do that, Regina tells her. She must get right back on the horse as soon as possible; that’s the way to get over something like this. They hug and smile, and it seems like they have become fast friends.
Back in Storybrooke’s sheriff’s office, Mr. Gold is trying to convince Mary Margaret and Emma that doing a pre-trial interview with the district attorney is a great idea. They’re not buying it. He thinks this will help Mary Margaret prove that she has nothing to hide. Emma is still skeptical, but is pulled away from the conversation as Sidney arrives with a vase of tulips for her.
She pulls him into her office and he tells her that he’s got some bad news; he hasn’t been able to find anything tying Regina to the case. Damn!
By the time Emma rejoins Gold and Mary Margaret, the decision has been made that she will indeed do the interview. And two seconds later he shows up to start! Interesting timing, huh? Oh fuckballs; the D.A. is none other than King George, Charming’s fake asshole of a dad.
D.A. Albert Spencer is just as much of a dick as his Fairyland counterpart, and he is intent on making sure to trip up Mary Margaret, trying to get her to say something that incriminates her. In all fairness, I DO know that that’s his job and all; I just think it’s interesting that his Storybrooke persona is just as much of a twatwaffle as he is in Fairyland.
He asks Mary Margaret about Kathryn visiting her at the school and how that visit ended with her handprint on Mary Margaret’s face. He’s not buying that Mary Margaret felt bad for her; he hounds her, asking if she was mad. Wasn’t Kathryn the only thing keeping her and David apart?
“Yes, of course I wanted Kathryn gone!” She yells at him. “She was the only thing keeping us apart!”
“Is that what you want to hear?”
Why yes, yes it is.
Um, can I have a do over?
Rut roh. Looks like Mary Margaret hasn’t been watching enough Law & Order episodes because she fell for the oldest trick in the D.A. book. Meanwhile, Regina is looking on through the interrogation room window, smiling like the cat that ate the canary. DAMMIT!
In Fairyland, Regina is preparing for tea with her mother. Cora comes in and tells her that her riding outfit won’t do. SO she magics her up a gown which reminds me a little of the magic dress wars in Sleeping Beauty. You know the part I mean?
They have a visitor you see. King Leopold has come to meet the woman who so gallantly saved his daughter. He arrives and Regina seems a bit frozen. Cora gently reminds her that she’s supposed to bow her head to the king, but he tells them this is nonsense; he should bow to her for saving his daughter. And he does.
He tells them about the death of his wife, saying he has scoured the land to find a new bride and he has been unable to find anyone that’s taken an interest in his child. Until now. Before Regina can put together what is happening, the King pulls out a ring, gets down on one knee, and proposes to her.
I’m not sure how he can possibly miss the look of horror on Regina’s face, but there’s not time to ponder that because Cora happily accepts of behalf of her daughter. I never thought I’d EVER say this…..but…..poor Regina.
What just happened?
Regina bursts into the stables and tells Daniel what just happened. She wants to run away with him; it’s their only choice, she tells him. He’s all in and pulls out a gold band, telling her that he wants to marry her. They fall into each other’s arms, kissing happily…..
Fuck. Snow runs off and Regina follows after, knowing she must stop the child before she tells anyone. She catches her and Snow is really upset; she was excited that Regina was to be her mother. Regina explains to her that she doesn’t love her dad, she loves Daniel.
The love she has for Daniel is True Love and she explains to Snow that it is the most powerful magic in the world. Before long she has swayed Snow over to her side and Snow is ready to run off and tell her daddy all about Regina’s love for another, knowing that he’d never get in the way of True Love.
No, wait! Regina stops her and tells her she must promise to tell NO ONE. She is dead serious about this and tells Snow how important it is that she keeps this secret. She must never tell anyone what she saw or what Regina has told her. And most importantly, she must never, ever, EVER times infinity tell Regina’s mom. Snow earnestly promises to do just that.
I promise. Oooo! Fireflies! Can we get some candy?
Anyone else think that trusting a child with a secret this big is a HUGE mistake? Just run tonight Regina! Get the fuck out of there! No one listens to me.
Over in Storybrooke, Emma is desperate for clues. So desperate, in fact, that she is now deeply engrossed in Henry’s book, hoping to find something in there that could help her. August arrives and wonders what she’s up to. She tells him she used to think she had great instincts, an awesome superpower, but now she’s not so sure. He says maybe she just has writer’s block. You know what helps him when he’s got a bad case of blockage?
No, silly. Retracing his steps! Go back and look at where something changed your mind about the direction you were going in. Go back and look at it again, and maybe you’ll look at things from a different perspective.
So it’s back to the T(r)oll Bridge. She explains to August that it’s here that Ruby found the jewelry box that led them to Mary Margaret. Maybe the person framing her left something behind that they missed before.
As they head down the hill, August stumbles a bit. When Emma asks him what’s wrong, he tells her “shin splints”. I think we can all agree that this is a lie, but what exactly it means is unclear. Some of you have already said that you think this means that he is Pinocchio, but I’m not sure I buy into that (didn’t Pinocchio have red hair in Fairyland?). I’m sticking to my original theory that he’s Bae until the show tells me differently. Hopefully we’ll find out this answer SOON.
Anyway, turns out that retracing her steps is working out: Emma discovers a piece of a shovel in the hole where the jewelry box was buried.
How’d she miss this before? Great police work once again, Emma!
I would have never missed such a crucial piece of evidence.
She thinks she knows EXACTLY where the rest of the shovel will be found.
Later that evening, Regina checks on Henry while he pretends to be asleep. As soon as she leaves his room he radios Emma, telling her that Regina is getting into the shower. She and August break into Regina’s garage and find the shovel, matching up the broken piece perfectly! Now she’s got her!! They don’t take the shovel with them since it would never be admitted as evidence this way. Instead, they leave everything as they found it so Emma can get a warrant and come back legally. Yeah, that’s TOTALLY not gonna come back and bite her in the ass.
In Fairyland, Snow is admiring an orchid when Cora startles her. She tells Snow that maybe she can be the flower girl at the wedding. Snow immediately starts to panic; you can see it in her eyes. Something tells me this is not going to end well.
Cora says that Regina will make a fine mom for Snow and Snow replies that Regina is kind to her. It warms Cora’s heart how the two of them share everything. Perhaps Snow can share something with her…..Cora sadly tells Snow that she feels like she’s losing her daughter. Oh, if only she was still as close to Regina as Snow is now. Is there anything that Snow can tell her? Cora would do anything to make Regina happy. Anything????
Snow stays strong, keeping her promise to Regina, until Cora starts talking about a mother never wanting to lose her child. Surely Snow must know what she’s talking about, having lost her own mother. This gets to Snow, thinking that the loss of a mom has to be just about the worst thing that can happen to someone.
Oh no, Snow!
Back in Storybrooke, Emma returns to Regina’s house with a search warrant and a shit eating grin on her face. Her good mood doesn’t last long; the broken shovel in the garage has been replaced with a shiny new one. Foiled again!
Emma is hella pissed and stomps right over to August’s place, banging on his door and then accusing him of being in cahoots with Regina. He tells her she should have a little faith in him and he is NOT a liar. “That’s exactly what a liar would say.” She replies.
But I’m not a liar! Look! My nose isn’t growing or anything!
At the sheriff’s office, Mary Margaret is quietly crying in her cell. Regina arrives to gloat and tell her how happy she is that Mary Margaret will soon be found guilty and shipped the fuck out of town. Mary Margaret doesn’t understand what Regina has against her; what did he ever do to her?
Whatever it is…..I am so sorry.
Apology NOT accepted
Oh man. She’s really holding onto that grudge.
Mary Margaret BEGS Regina not to do this; she doesn’t deserve this, she didn’t kill Kathryn. Regina drops a doozy on her, saying she KNOWS Mary Margaret didn’t kill Kathryn, but she DOES deserve this. Poor Mary Margaret has no idea what Regina is talking about.
We head back to Fairyland, where Regina and Daniel are making their final preparations to run away. But they should have left a half hour sooner, because here comes Cora. She tells Regina that she has sacrificed too much and made too many deals to see Regina end up with a stable boy.
But Regina loves Daniel! And he loves her! Well, Cora loves Regina and has her best interest in mind. After listening to Regina, it seems that Cora maybe has softened. She tells Daniel she has an important lesson to share with him: You always have to do what is best for your children.
And then she rips his heart out and crushed it into dust
I’m less upset by this heart ripping than I was by Hottie McSheriffPants.
Seriously, Cora is a BITCH. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, huh? Regina wants to know why, WHY has Cora done this? Cora tells her that this is her happy ending. Wow, Regina got robbed.
Cora tells Regina that she knows best; love is weakness. It feels real now; at the start it always does, but it’s an illusion. It fades and then you’re left with nothing. But power, true power, endures. And then you don’t have to rely on anyone to get what you want.
Later, a dead in the eyes Regina is getting fitted for her wedding dress. It’s gorgeous, but she obviously doesn’t care; she’s still mourning the loss of her love. Snow bops in and gushes about how beautiful she looks; Daniel will be gobsmacked when he sees her. She tells Regina that she just KNEW her mom would let her marry Daniel once she knew how happy it would make her.
Watchoo talkin ‘bout, Snow?
Snow tells Regina she has such an awesome mom; she would do anything for Regina’s happiness. Regina is putting it all together now and asks Snow if she told Cora about her and Daniel. Yes. But! She told her very specifically NOT TO.
Snow apologizes; she just didn’t want Regina to lose her mother the way that Snow has lost hers.
I will hit a child.
Snow asks if Regina is mad, and we can all see her shift, put on a mask as she tells Snow, no, she’s not mad (the HELL she’s not!). And guess what? She’s not marrying Daniel; this dress is for Snow’s daddy. But what about True Love? Daniel ran away; what she had with him wasn’t real, it was an infatuation. See, that’s the thing about love; it can come in the most unexpected of places. Like with her and Snow’s dad; they have something beyond each other; love for her. They are going to be a family. And Regina says she couldn’t be happier about that. HA! Right!
I so wish I could stab you in your white as snow face.
Cora arrives and shoos Snow out, then tells Regina how proud of her she is. Yes, a hard heart is something to be super proud of. I think Cora better start sleeping with one eye open! Anyone else think that Regina got her power by killing her mom?????
In Storybrooke, non-Storybrooke policemen are getting ready to escort Mary Margaret out of there. Wait a minute! I thought outsiders don’t come to Storybrooke?!? I’m so confused.
Emma is pissed, but Gold assures her that it isn’t over yet; there’s still some time for a bit of magic. This doesn’t help Emma’s mood and she hurls the vase of tulips against the wall. Shockingly there appears to have been a bug in there. I know! SO SHOCKING!! Not.
She goes over to Granny’s to apologize to August and show him the bug. She says she trusted all the wrong people and that she’s sorry. He must have it bad for her because he doesn’t even give her an “I told you so” or any sort of grief. He just accepts her apology and they make up.
Good thing, because Ruby comes shrieking into the diner, yelling that SHE is in the alley! She, who?
Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! I wish I could say I saw that one coming but I totally didn’t! So do we think that Regina phonied up the DNA results or did she put Kathryn’s heart in the box like Hottie McSheriffPants’ was? I hafta know!
We’re not going to find out anything today because that is the end of the episode. Oh man. That was a doozy, wasn’t it? What did you think, Gasmi? Were you happy to find out why Regina hates Snow, or were you let down by the revelation? I think it’s interesting that HER MOM is the one who killed her love, but she’s blaming it on Snow. Although, I do think she probably offs her mom at some point.
I guess my point is that she’s a dumbass for entrusting a secret that important TO A LITTLE GIRL!!!! She knew her mom was an evil bitch, did she not think that said Bitch of Evil would be able to manipulate (or magically force) Snow into telling her what was going on?!?!?!?
No new episode this week (I guess Easter = reruns) or the week after (I can already feel the withdrawal tremors starting) so we’ll have PLENTY of time to talk theories!! Hopefully I’ll be back to commenting along with you all now that the biatch I was covering for is back at work! Can’t wait to hear what you all think of the revelation and everything else!!
To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!
If you follow, I might Tweet!