Holy Shit, Gasmi! This time around we put a new spin on yet another childhood tale, get sucked in by the evilest of them all, and get a teeny visit with our favorite lovebirds. I had a couple of small issues (which we’ll get into later), but other than that, LOVED it!
What else is new?
Hey now, no need to get bitchy about it. Oh never mind; it’s what you do best.
We start out the episode with Emma and Henry who have met at the play castle. It’s been severely damaged by the storm, and Henry is particularly worried about his book. Why would he be worried about the book?
Well, he buried it so that Regina can’t get her grubby little hands on it. Emma wonders why he wouldn’t just hide it under his mattress, but he tells her that is the first place the Evil Queen would look. How ‘bout leaving it with Emma? Second place EQ would look. I’d make a comment about Henry’s paranoia, but we all know it’s well founded.
Still safe. Emma is surprised that Regina doesn’t know about the castle, but Henry says it’s their secret.
Dammit!!!! Henry rushes to cover up the book before Regina gets too close. He pops up just as she closes in as she tells him she’s been looking all over for him; he has a session with Archie. She sends him over to the car so that she and Emma can have their usual face off.
Regina is exasperatingly surprised that Emma would let Henry play in this spot. Emma tells her that the storm damage can be fixed, but Regina’s not impressed; it’s a safety hazard. She warns Emma not to let her feelings cloud her judgment; people can get hurt.
What’s that supposed to mean?
What the fuck do you think it means?!?
Okay then! Buh bye, have a nice day!
We catch up with Emma over at Granny’s where she is bringing Mary Margaret up to speed on her awesome morning so far. Mary Margaret tells Emma that Regina is just upset because Emma has a special place with Henry and she doesn’t.
Their conversation is interrupted by an incoming text on Mary Margaret’s phone….
And she is outta there! Hopefully he needs to urgently tell her that he’s left his fake wife. Probably too much to hope for, huh?
As Mary Margaret leaves she tells Emma she thinks she’s right: she sees the effect Regina has on Henry. Emma wishes everyone else did too.
Mary Margaret leaves and an obviously drunk Sidney slides into her vacant chair telling Emma that he can grant her wish. He can totally help her expose who the Mayor really is. Understandably, Emma is a little skeptical of him, saying it’s gonna be hard to do that his being in her pocket and all.
Not anymore! She has ruined him! Had him fired from his job, and he is hella pissed and bent on revenge.
Hey! That’s my thing!
Oh Emily, stop. There’s enough Revenge to go around. Sigh. I miss that show. (Good thing I have S-Natch’s fab recaps to read while I’m waiting for a new epi!)
Sorry, I got sidetracked there for a minute. Back to Sidney. He’s been working on an expose of the Mayor’s office and he has found something she didn’t want found.
Bondage mags? Doubleheaded vibrator? Emotion lotion?
Wait! I know!…..
Maybe everyone just THINKS he’s dead and Regina got him chained up somewhere super evil. Okay, okay, I know he’s dead what with the heart squeezing and all, but a girl can dream, can’t she?
Emma is not interested in Sidney’s blathering and tells him to go home and sleep it off. He hands Emma his card telling her to call him; Storybrooke deserves to know the truth about Regina. She takes the card and leaves.
We transition to a turban mustachioed Sidney looking at himself in the mirror.
Cool! He’s a Genie!
He’s looking pretty bored, but luckily someone happens by, finds the lamp, and rubs it. He appears before the King and tells him he has awoken the Genie of Agraba. Then he goes over the wish rules like he’s the announcer at the end of a car commercial reading the fine print.
He gets three wishes, no more, no less. And magic has limits. He can’t wish for life or death, he can’t wish for love, no wishing for more wishes, and once a wish is wished it can’t be undone. The King looks on as Genie rattles off his list looking as tickled as can be.
So, what’s his first wish? He can’t think of anything that he desires. He has everything he needs and seeks nothing more than the happiness of all who set foot in his kingdom. The Genie rolls his eyes dramatically, clearly annoyed that they can’t just blow through the wishes. I don’t know why; it didn’t look like he was having a grand ole time in his lamp!
The King says that Genie is in his kingdom and yet he seems unhappy; what can they do to turn that frown upside down? Genie tells him that he’s served as Genie of the lamp for longer than the King has been alive and it sucks.
So you wish to be free?
Duh! More than anything. So the King wishes that the Genie was free, and suddenly….he is! Woo hoo! What about the other two wishes? For his second wish, the King wishes to give his third and final wish to Genie. Knowing from experience just how badly the wishing of wishes can go, Genie vows to never use the last wish.
Now that he’s free the King wonders what will Genie do with that freedom. He wants to find the one thing that he’s always desired but never been able to have: true love. Awwwwwwwwww. Well then, he must come to the palace for the King is sure that he will find love there.
Are you a top or a bottom?
It turns out that this particular king is none other than Snow’s dad and EQ’s husband! What a coincidence! The King introduces Genie to Snow and then to Regina, and it seems like both of them are caught off guard for a moment. It’s immediately obvious that Genie is smitten by her.
Shit. Who could blame him?
Back in Storybrooke, the castle playground is being torn down. Gee….I wonder who could have ordered that? Henry’s standing by watching and notices that there’s a big gaping hole where his book was once buried. Where did it go?!?!?
Emma is PISSED. She confronts Regina telling her kudos on destroying something Henry loves. Whatevs. It’s a dangerous something and if Emma was thinking about his best interest, she would agree that it was the right thing to do. Yeah, that’s not gonna happen. Emma is pissed enough that she takes out Sidney’s card and calls him. She’s ready to expose Regina for the heinous bitch she is!
Meanwhile, David is waiting for Mary Margaret at the Troll Bridge. Once she arrives he grabs her hand, pulling her off after him, telling her to hurry. What’s so urgent?
There was a Yogi Bear sighting earlier today so time’s a-wasting!
Apparently the REAL (fake) emergency is that the wine is getting warm. In Maine. In cold enough weather for hats and scarves. Oh, alright, I’ll let it go because they’re so adorable. They kiss and Mary Margaret says they have to stop doing this (LISTEN TO HER DAVID) and David says they just started doing this. He says they can figure out what they’re doing tomorrow.
What’s to figure out?
In the tunnel below, Emma is waiting for Sidney. Hilariously he’s dressed for the occasion, wearing a trench coat and tweed hat. So what’s this dirt he’s dug up on Regina? $50,000 is missing from the town’s budget and he thinks Regina took it.
Color Emma unimpressed
Sidney is convinced that that is just the tip of the iceberg; if they figure out what she’s doing it all falls apart. It all crumbles and they will finally learn her secrets. He says they both see Regina for what she truly is: all they need is a crack in the mirror to show EVERYONE.
Okay, so what’s his plan? He wants Emma to ta Regina’s phones, GPS her car, hack into her e-mail; whatever it takes to get the dirt. No, no, no, Emma tells him. She’s the Sheriff; she has to do things by the book. Plus there’s the whole not stooping to Regina’s level thing she’s got going on.
Over in Fairyland, it’s the King’s birthday and there’s a celebration at the castle. Regina sits at a table alone while the King makes a speech about no gifts being required on this day because the greatest gift of all is his daughter, Snow.
He tells her that every day he looks upon her face; he is reminded of her dearly departed mother who, like Snow, was truly the fairest in all the land. Regina watches all of this from a table across the grand hall, looking a little like her heart is breaking at the King’s lack of attention toward her. Is that part of why she hates them both so much?
Anyone else feel sorry for her right now?
Only Genie seems to notice as EQ leaves the party. He follows her out to the courtyard where she has gone seeking solace under her apple tree. He admires the tree and she tugs on his heartstrings as she says she and the tree have something in common; neither of them can leave the palace and neither of them truly belongs.
No matter how hard she tries to please the King, he will never love her as much as he loved his poor, dead wife. She’s trapped by the memory of the life they used to share. It’s just so unfair.
Genie knows about being trapped. He gives her an ornate mirror, hoping to lift her spirits. You see, he wants her to gaze into it and see herself as he sees her. And how does he see her? As the fairest in all the land. She looks touched by this gesture.
At Mary Margaret’s house over in Storybrooke, Emma and Sidney are rifling through town records when Mary Margaret bursts in the door. Sidney is still working on Emma to use all the dirty tricks she knows, but she’s not budging. But they’d be doing it for a good reason! Mary Margaret is on board with that plan, saying maybe if you’re doing something wrong to get to something that’s totally right doesn’t make you a bad person, does it?
I’m totally not talking about anything I might be doing so don’t even think that, ok?
Sidney points out that Regina is never going to stop until someone exposes her, so Emma says fine, let’s go talk to her. That goes just about as well as you would expect, and I guess as well as Emma expected as well: even though Regina isn’t offering up any answers, Emma planted a bug in her office!
I guess the staying above dirty tricks sentiment just got thrown out the window.
Back in Fairyland, Genie has been summoned before the King. You see, the King has been reading the Queen’s diary and isn’t too happy to have found out that her heart belongs to a mysterious man that gave her a mirror.
He says he’s not a fool; he realizes that the Queen is unhappy and yeans for someone to love her in a way he cannot. But he never imagined she would betray him like this. Genie says the Queen would never act on those feeling, but the King points out that love can make one do foolish things.
The King appoints Genie as Chief Investigator into who has stolen the Queen’s heart. Yikes! Talk about a sticky situation!
In Storybrooke, Sidney is camped out in the Sheriff’s office, listening to Regina’s bugged office. She’s poo poohing someone about their complaints regarding working conditions, telling “Miss Ginger” that air temperature is not her department. LOL.
Emma seems unimpressed by the data they’ve gathered so far, until Sidney rewinds the recording to play back a call from earlier in the day where Regina agrees to meet the person on the other end in the forest, at night, with cash. Oh, and no one can know about this.
By George, I think we’ve got her!
That night they follow Regina to the meet. And I’ve gotta say, for someone heading to a clandestine meeting, Regina cannot possibly miss the fact that a car is following her IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!! It’s not like there’s other traffic around. How could she possibly miss them?
To make matters worse, Emma crashes the car into a sign. D’oh! But it’s not bad driving that caused the crash; when Sidney investigates, he discovers that SOMEONE has messed with Emma’s brakes!!!!! GASP!!!! She must be on to them!
So they head off on foot hoping to have not missed the transaction they came out here to witness. Just then Mr. Gold appears, telling the dynamic duo that Regina was out there meeting him. Pourquoi? To buy land from him. Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmm.
Emma wants to know what Regina bought the land for, but Gold’s not a man that asks a lot of questions when negotiating his business dealings. HE wonders what the hell Emma is doing sneaking around in the middle of the night with Mr. Glass.
Is someone jealous?
Ya just know he’d like to get jiggy with Emma. Sidney says Gold doesn’t know what Regina did to him, or what she did to Henry. They can’t just sit idly by. Suuuuure they can. Gold warns them to be careful in their crusade against Regina; emotional entanglements can lead us down very dangerous paths.
Speaking of dangerous emotional entanglements….in Fairyland, Genie waits for EQ under her apple tree. Let’s just say he’s more than a little disappointed when it’s her dad that shows up for the meeting instead of her.
There’s no time for smooching! My daughter’s been locked away!
I still find him impossibly adorable. I can’t help it.
He tells Genie that the Queen has been locked away in her chambers; she is a prisoner in her own kingdom!! He has a box that he wants Genie to deliver to her; the palace guards won’t let him in to see her, but surely the man running the investigation will be allowed into her chambers.
But what’s in the box? The only thing that can free her from this wretched life. Henry knows that if Genie truly cares for his daughter, he will do whatever it takes.
You smell what I’m cooking?
It must be noted that the key to the box is very distinctive, and although I cannot see clearly what it is, it sort of looks like a head inside a circle. Maybe. Or Not. It’s just very unique, OKAY?!?!?
It’s still nighttime in Storybrooke and Emma and Sidney have now graduated to breaking into Regina’s Mayoral office. Emma rationalizes that she’d be responding to the tripped alarm. That she set off. Yeah, she’s not really thinking clearly anymore.
They immediately start to look through Regina’s stuff, knowing that time is short before the Mayor will arrive. They do a search no the PC for land sold by Gold, and while the results are printing, Emma continues to look around…..
I knew it! I knew there was a head in there! What the fuck are those keys to?????!!?
Emma doesn’t know about the keys in Fairyland so she just shrugs and continues looking, but you and I know those keys are going to be really important at some point, right?
Emma really wants to find Henry’s book, even though Sidney doesn’t think that’s what they came here for (wrong!), but she’s outta time because Regina is back. She is not fooled by Emma’s story of kids breaking in to the office using a rock.
We head back to Fairyland where the Queen is sitting at her mirror looking worried until Genie arrives. She hurries over to him as he comes in and gives him a big hug. She looks into his eyes and tells him that her love for him grows stronger with every beat of her heart. Oh! If only they could be together!
But there is no escape. Au contraire, Genie tells her; there is always an escape. In fact, her dad said that what it is this box will give her her freedom. So what’s inside?
Mother fucking snakes in a mother fucking box!
Genie knows of these snakes; they are Agraban Viper (or one viper with two heads). Just one bite from this snake and the Queen will be free, she tells Genie. So death is the grand plan her daddy came up with? She tells Genie she’s so sorry they couldn’t be together, but perhaps in another lifetime they will find each other again.
Not so fast, Genie says. He has a better idea. What if the King didn’t live, he asks ominously. He would do that for her? Yes! He would do ANYTHING for her!
Where have you been my whole life?
What would she ever do without him? She will never have to find out. I sure hope he got some good lovin’ after coming up with that plan.
No answer on that one because we’re heading back to Storybrooke. We catch up with Henry at Granny’s diner. He’s making an attempt to write out and draw what he can remember of his book from memory.
The Stranger happens by, but Henry blows him off, wanting to get everything down before he forgets. Yeah, the Stranger hates to lose good ideas too. Henry says they’re not his ideas; they’re stories from a book he lost. So glad to see they’re continuing their trend of useless conversation.
What’s this book about? Stuff. Sounds exciting. Mind your beeswax!
Henry wants to know what this guy is doing in Storybrooke and the Stranger says he’s a writer. “You can write anywhere. What are you really doing here?” Gotta go! See ya later!
Emma and Sidney are rifling through blueprints and bank statements; there are also a shit ton of pictures that Sidney took of Emma and Henry back when he was in Regina’s pocket and was stalking them for her. They’re trying to figure out what the hell Regina is up to but all they can tell is that she’s building something, but they can’t figure out what. Oh well! Let’s still go off half-cocked and interrupt a city council meeting to confront her about it!
Ummmmmm…..guys? I was JOKING!
Turns out that Regina didn’t steal the money to build herself a house or other such nonsense. She is using the money to build a playhouse. One inspired by a drawing she found in one of her son’s books. Now the children will have some place safe to play. Does a playground really cost $50,000????
Doesn’t matter, Regina has foiled Emma’s plans to expose her, and instead has made Emma look like a fool.
It’s really just TOO easy.
Smells like a set up to me.
In Fairyland, Genie is following through with his murderous plan, and enters the King’s bedchamber carrying the mother fucking box of mother fucking snakes. He does have the decency to look sick about what he is going to do, but goes through with it anyway, ordering the snake(s) to get to biting the King.
Unfortunately, the King awakens juuust before the bite and as his skin darkens as the venom spreads, he looks at Genie in bewilderment.
Oh Genie, why hast thou forsaken me?
Do you have any idea it’s been since I got laid????
Proving once again the Power of the Pussy.
The King’s last words are that Genie was right; he should have never made the wish.
Deflated after their ass whooping in the city council meeting, Emma and Sidney run into Mr. Gold. He says what Emma did in there was commendable, but if she really wants to bring Regina down, she’s going to need a strong ally. Like him? Thanks but no thanks. Oh well, he says, one can wish.
Of course Regina has to pull Emma aside for a little chat. She’s not sure what Emma was hoping to prove (HA!), but she hopes now she’ll go back to her JOB which is upholding the law, not breaking it. Oh, and by the way, Emma is not to see Henry until Regina says she can. Regina points out that Emma has lost the high ground and says she’d be able to get a restraining order against her is she wants to. Emma knows what she says is true.
Later, Henry and a bunch of other kids are playing at the new playground.
Which by the way cannot possibly have cost $50,000
When Emma rolls up in her squad car. Henry is happy to see her, but confused about why she won’t come out to see him. They talk over their walkie talkies, and Emma says it just has to be this way for now; she screwed up because she was so mad about the book and him and now they’re going to have to be apart for a little while. Don’t worry, she’ll find a way back in. And she’s totally gonna keep looking for his book. Henry thinks it’s gone and never coming back.
But the book is not gone; we see someone breaking open the lockbox (that was totally never relocked, BTW) and remove it.
You little fucker!!!!
What the hell?!?!? Why does he have the book???????
Over at Granny’s, Emma joins Sidney for a beer. He’s depressed that they didn’t succeed in their plan against Regina. Emma says they were blinded by their anger and rushed in too quickly. This time, says Sidney. There’s more crap out there on Regina and now Emma has an ally. Clink!
In Fairyland, Genie rushes into the Queen’s chamber, telling her it is done; they are free to be together at last. She remains dejected. Did she not hear him? Oh no, she did. The trouble is that the guards already know of the King’s death and they have the snake. They know it’s from his country! He must flee immediately!
Suddenly the blood returns to Genie’s head; the Agraban Viper. She could have picked any snake, but it JUST happened to be that one. He figures out that she planned this all along; she never loved him at all!
Why do you think I turned the lights off AND kept my eyes closed?
She says he is no longer of any use to her and he should be grateful that she is offering him an escape. But he wants to be with her! He loves her! He can’t live without her; he WON’T live without her. So he does a really stupid thing; he uses the final wish (you know, the one he vowed to never use because they always end so badly?). He wishes to be with her FOREVAH; to look upon her face always; to never leave her side.
And…….be careful what you wish for
You’d think he’d be more careful in his wording, wouldn’t you?
Our last scene finds up back in Regina’s office where Sidney has stopped by for a visit. Yep, you guessed it; he was secretly working for Regina this entire time! He plays her a recording of his conversation with Emma and Regina thinks that now Emma trusts him, they can really have some fun. She doesn’t know what she’d do without him. BARF.
And that’s it for this episode Gasmi. I’ve told you a couple of issues I had as we went through, but my biggest problem is the twist of Sidney working for Regina. What happened to Emma’s superpower of seeing through lies? Unless it’s a double double cross. But if it’s not, I’m not happy that they keep dropping that whenever they need her to be duped by someone.
So what did you think, Gasmi? Were you fooled by her act at first? Did anyone else feel a little sorry for her when the King was waxing poetic about Snow’s beauty? What about the mirror origin story? Like it? And who the FUCK is the Stranger?!?!?
No new show this week because of the Superbowl (GO BIG BLUE!!!), but the following week we get a Beauty and the Beast storyline! Did y’all catch who the Beast is????? Could be interesting!
I can’t wait to hear your thoughts on this one! So let’s get this party started!
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