Once Upon a Time Recap

Hi again, Gasmi!  I am so happy to see that some of you seem to be enjoying this show as much as I am.  What will tonight bring?  Well, get your yer ass out of that glass coffin, toss that poison apple aside, and let’s find out, shall we?

We open this week where we left off last week: the clocks moves and Henry’s all grins.

Déjà vu!

It seems like everyone’s stepping a little lighter.  Well, everyone except Regina.  Ole EQ is leafing through Henry’s book and finds that all the pages after Snow’s wedding have been ripped out.  Defacing literature.  Someone needs to pay!!

She goes up to Henry’s room to find out where the missing pages are and with all the snottiness that a kid can muster, Henry tells her he doesn’t know what’s she’s talking about.

Also?  I don’t know anything about that missing $20 from your wallet.

But a little denial isn’t gonna stop our Evil Queenie.  She goes to pay Emma a visit at her hotel and tries to bore her to death by deluging her with a ton of facts about Honey crisp Apples.

There WILL be a quiz on this later.

A good friend of mine pointed out that the apples in the basket were not honey crisp and instead were red delicious.  I was unaware of this horrific breach of apple identification because I know jackshit about apples, being allergic to them myself.  Hmmmmmm……maybe I am Snow White!!

Glaring apple misstep noted, Regina is sure that Emma will enjoy the tasty treats on her drive home.  Well, no, she won’t because she’s not going home.  Well, Regina’s not sure that’s such a good idea.

Do I look like I care what you think?

Henry has enough problems without Emma confusing him.  Emma tells Regina that the fact that she has now threatened her twice in the last twelve hours makes her want to stay more.  Since when were apples a threat?  Uh, since you poisoned her mom with one, you evil hag!!

She just wants to make sure Henry is ok.  HE IS.  And any problems he does have will be sorted out in therapy.  You know, with his THERAPIST??  In their therapy sessions.  Only one of them knows what’s best for Henry.  Yes, Emma agrees.  Time to go, Regina tells her.

Or what?

Have an apple and find out.

In case you’ve forgotten that Regina is a nasty piece of work in both worlds, we head back to Fairyland, revisiting the wedding and Charming’s attempted murder.  Once again, EQ smoke monsters herself out of there and reappears back at her lair (with Prince Charming’s sword).

Her butler is there waiting for her (as butlers do) with a drink ready and waiting for her.  Looks like someone knew that things weren’t going to go as well as EQ may have hoped.  Magic Mirror thinks EQ is all talk with the threat she made; however does she plan on delivering on it?  Why with a dark curse of course!

GULP

But she said she would never use it!  She made a deal when she gave it away!  She won’t be happy to see EQ.  But EQ doesn’t care about anyone else’s happiness, only her own.  DUH.  And off she goes to pay this “she” a visit at the forbidden fortress.

The “she” in question is Maleficent (OH YEAH) who is sympathetically rubbing it into EQ’s face that Snow is so happy.  She must be tortured by that, no?  After all, wasn’t she the same age when she was to married?  Before Snow ruined it all?

Yep.  Uh huh……just about the same age as Maleficent was when Sleeping Beauty got the best of her, right?

Touche

Enough playing around, EQ wants the curse back and she wants it back now.  No way, no trade backs!  Bullshit.  That sleeping curse she traded for was a joke, undone with a simple kiss.

All trades are final

Maleficent points out to EQ that not even the unholy power of the dark curse can bring her love back from the dead.  Perhaps she should get a pet instead; Maleficent has found her black unicorn to be quite comforting.

Really?  A black unicorn?  Is that like the evil version of a regular unicorn?

The only comfort for EQ will be Snow White’s suffering.  Maleficent points out that it’s Snow’s wedding night; doubtful that she’s suffering. LOLOLOLOLOLOL!

I need that curse!  GIVE IT TO ME.

EQ knows it’s in the orb of Mal’s staff, but she’s not giving it up without a fight.  Chick witch fight ensues, and Mal’s love for her little black unicorn is what does her in.  Are you kidding me?!?!  Talk about de-clawing a great villain!

What happened to transforming into a dragon?

Just get it over with and kill her, Mal tells EQ, but she’s not going to do that; Mal is her only friend.  Mal begs her not to use the curse; this type of power comes at a great price and will leave an emptiness in her soul, a void she will never be able to fill.

I can live with that

We take a quick break so that EQ has time to gather the League of Evil (sans Mal) for a super secret meeting.  She’s gathered them to tell them she’s is sick of losing out to good all the fucking time! What about them?  Aren’t they sick of that shit too?  She tells them this curse will ensure they get their happy endings and all she needs is a lock of hair from each of them, the most evil of souls, to make it work.  Don’t wanna contribute?  The trees will make you.

No need for threats, they all give her a lock of their hair.  I’m not sure who they are all supposed to be, but there’s a witch with her eyes sewn shut that’s pretty fucking creepy.  Baba Yaga maybe?  What do you guys think?

The wart on my chin don’t bother me ever since my eyes were sewn shut!

So everyone gives to the locks of hate fund, and EQ is ready to activate the most darkest curse.  It roars to life……and sputters out.  Rut roh.  The evil gnome finds her failure to be HILARIOUS and laughs and laughs and points until EQ turns him into a statue.

And we fade back into Storybrooke where the evil gnome statue is now Regina’s garden gnome.

What happens when you laugh at EQ

LOL, show.  Here in her garden, Regina is tending to her beloved apple tree when Sidney, editor of the Daily Mirror, aka the MAGIC Mirror, shows up to show off his hatchet job on Emma.

I’m wondering how they got the mug shot when Emma was passed out.

Maybe it was the next day before she was released.  Sidney’s pleased with the result, but Regina is looking for dirt on Emma and will not be happy until she’s got something to use against her.  What has he got?  Ummmm…….well…….she was in a bunch of foster homes.  UGH!!  He has found nothing of value for Regina.  “Which means YOU have no value, Sydney” Regina tells him.  Know what she does with things that have no value to her?  She throws them away!  What no garage sale?  Salvation Army?  Damn!

Now that Sydney has been sent off to find dirt (or make it up), we head over to Granny’s diner.  Wow, that Granny sure is a busy lady, huh?  Emma is reading all about herself and is just barely stopped from biting the apple (WAKE UP DUMMY!) when Red serves her up a steaming cup of hot cocoa, sayings it’s from a mysterious admirer.  Ooooooooo.  Emma looks around and sees the Sheriff sitting alone in a booth.

Wassa happening, hot stuff?

They banter a bit and then Emma tells her that the cocoa was a nice gesture and she’s impressed that he guessed she likes cinnamon in it because most people don’t.  Is that true?  Anyway, she appreciates the sentiment, but there’s no way she can accept it.  That’s fine because he didn’t send it.  Um, awkward!  Who did send it, you ask.

Hey there.

He likes cinnamon too.  Emma wonders why Henry isn’t in school.  Because he’s hanging out at the dinner, hoping she comes in so he can send her hot cocoa that she will only have to leave behind when he asks her to walk him to school.

As they walk down the street, Emma tries to get the skinny on Regina, but Henry wants to focus on Operation Cobra aka Fairy Tale Rescue.  As Emma goes to take a bite of apple Henry saves the day by snatching it out of her hands and tossing it.

Henry establishes that everyone is a fairy tale character, but none of them remember.  In fact, none of them truly remember their past; if she asks them questions she will see.  So, let’s get this straight…..for decades people have been walking around in a haze, never aging, with amnesia due to the town being cursed.

You totally get me

That’s why they need Emma; she’s their only hope.  Henry says that right now they have the advantage because his mom doesn’t know who Emma is.  And she’s not going to find out if he has anything to do with it!  He’s ripped out the pages of the book and gives them to Emma so that she can read all about herself.

Henry heads into school saying he knew she’d believe him.  No, that’s not what she said!  Why else would she be here???    Miss Blanchard tells Emma it’s good to see Henry smiling again.  She wonders if the mayor knows that Emma’s still there.  OH YEAH.  Emma wants to know what her deal is anyway, how did she get elected?

I sure as shit didn’t vote for her!

She’s been the mayor for as long as anyone remembers, mostly because no one has ever been brave enough to run against her.  Maybe they got her honey crisp speech and thought better of it.  Miss Blanchard thinks she made things worse by giving Henry the book; now he thinks his mom is the evil queen.  Who does he think Miss Blanchard is, Emma wonders.  Snow White.

Gob.  Smacked.

Snow wonders who Henry thinks Emma is.  No one; not in the book.  Liar, liar, pants on fire, Emma!

Hoping to gain a deeper understanding of Henry, Emma pays a visit to his therapist, Mr. Hopper.  She knows he can’t really tell her anything, but can he tell her what’s causing this fairy tale obsession?  It’s crazy!  Hopper tells her not to use the c-word in front of Henry because it can be quite damaging.  No shit, Dr. Obvious.

Looks like it’s Emma’s lucky day because it appears that patient/doctor confidentiality doesn’t exist in Storybrooke!  He hands over Henry’s patient file for Emma to peruse at her leisure.  She just needs to bring it back when she’s done, okay?  As she gets ready to leave, Mr. Hopper cautions her to be careful about how she handles Henry’s belief system: destroying his imagination would be devastating.

I have a feeling life as we all know it would cease to exist

As soon as Emma leaves, Hopper makes a phone call.  To Regina!!!!!  He’s really working for her and she specifically wanted Emma to take the file.  What a sneaky bitch.

Back at Granny’s Inn, Emma is lounging in bed reading Henry’s file.

Is it wrong that I’m lusting….for her boots?????

Just then, someone knocks on the door.  It’s Sheriff McHottiePants, here to arrest her for theft of Henry’s psychiatric file.

I’ll need to frisk you

You see, per Regina’s plan, Hopper has falsely accused Emma of stealing the file after asking for it and being denied.  Emma knows she’s being set up and she thinks Sheriff McHottiePants knows it to, but by who?

Regina stomps along the sidewalk, heading to the school to yank Henry out of class to talk to him.  She tells Henry that Emma has been arrested.  She broke into your shrink’s office and stole your files; she’s nothing but a con woman that you tracked down and dragged back to town with you!!  She totally wanted to be here even though she gave you up ten years ago and never looked back!  Talk about trying too hard.

Over at the jail, Emma is posing for her second mug shot and complaining that Regina had to have put Hopper up to this; she’s gotta have something on him because he is terrified of her.  Just like everyone else in this town.

Why?  What do you mean?  Did she say something to you?

Here comes Henry to save the day!  He thinks Emma is a genius for gathering intel for Operation Cobra.  And he’s brought Snow with him to bail her out.  Why?  Because she trusts Emma.  Hope she didn’t spend a lot of her teacher’s salary because something tells me Emma’s heading right back to the slammer.

Just a guess

Regina is PISSED.  She thinks Emma is out of her mind.  Nope, she is if she thinks a crappy frame job is gonna run Emma out of town!  If she comes after Emma one more time, she’s coming back for the rest of the tree because SISTA you have no idea what SHE is capable of.  “YOUR move.”

BRING IT

Oh, it’ll be brought

Back in Fairyland the Queen is sulking over her failed curse.  The butler thinks it might be for the best; the forces she’s summoning are darker than even they can conceive.  Oh, now he wants to protect her?  Yes, it’s what he does; helping her is his life.  Then help her figure out why the curse isn’t working!

You need to go see the guy you got it from.

So off she goes to visit…..

:-O !!!!!

No way!  Is it me or is he looking even grosser than he did last week?  She tells him the curse he gave her isn’t working.  Oh, so worried!  He taunts.  “Just like Snow and her new husband.”  Rumpy say what?  Oh yeah, they were here to visit him and find out whatever they could about her threats!

She wants to know what he told them.  The truth!  Nothing can stop the darkness!  Well, except for their unborn child.  You see, there’s a curse rule that says no matter how powerful all of them can be broken.  Their child is the key.

I wonder if anyone would be suspicious if I pushed her down a flight of stairs????

Of course the curse has to be enacted before that’s even a possibility.  Well, tell her what she did wrong.  Okay, but it’s gonna cost you!  How much does he want?  It’s simple: in this new land he wants comfort, a good life.  FINE!  But wait, there’s more.  In this new land, should he ever come to her for any reason, she must heed his every request and must do whatever he says so long as he says please.

Well, considering he won’t remember this deal should she succeed, fine by her!

Keep telling yourself that!

Now that EQ has agreed to his terms, Rumpy’s ready to give her the solution she’s been looking for.  Great power requires great sacrifice; she’s gonna have to sacrifice the heart of the thing she loves the most.  Did she not tell you she used the heart of her prized steed?!?!?

A pet?!?!?  A pet is not enough of a sacrifice you idiot!  But what she loved the most DIED because of Snow White!!!!  Surely there is something else she loves…….this curse isn’t going to be easy, vengeance never is, Rumpy tells her.  How far is she willing to go?

All. The. Way.

Well then, off you go!  Stop wasting everyone’s time; you know what you love…..now go kill it.

We’ll have to wait and see if EQ truly means business because now we’re heading back to Storybrooke.  Emma arrives back at the Inn only to have Granny she’s gotta go.  You see, they have a no felons rule.  Well, it’s really a town ordinance.  I guess Granny doesn’t know that simply being arrested doesn’t actually make you a felon.

I’m sure when Regina called to remind her of the ordinance she just inserted into the town’s municipal code, that she forgot to mention the difference between being arrested and being a felon.  She can get her stuff together, but she’s gonna need the room key now.

Over at Mayor Mansion, Sheriff McHottiePants arrives to find Regina picking up her fallen apples.  She wants that bitch arrested!  Again?  For real?  That plan doesn’t seem to be working too well for you so far Hottie points out.

Stop looking at my butt!

She made him sheriff and she can take it away just as easily.  That’s fine, he’ll arrest Emma again if that’s what Regina wants, but he knows Emma will keep coming after her and she’ll keep coming after Emma and the only one that’s gonna end up getting hurt is Henry.

It looks like Hottie’s words may have sunk in because Regina gives Emma a call and invites her to come over and talk.

Looks like she’ll be walking

They sit down for their chat, and Regina starts by apologizing.  Emma is having difficulty buying that.  Well, Regina thinks she just has to come to terms that Emma wants to be there (Damn Skippy) and that’s going to take her son away from her.  Wait!  Hold up now!  Emma has no intention of taking Henry away from her.  She just wants to make sure he’s okay.

The more Regina tries to push her out, the more Emma wants to be here, especially seeing how troubled he is.  She only got through a couple pages of Hopper’s notes before she was arrested, but he thinks everyone in the town is a fairy tale character…..that’s just crazy.

You think I’m crazy?

YOUR move, mother fucker!!!!!

Emma tells Regina she has no soul.  How in the hell did she get like this?

Well, since you ask…….

EQ returns to her lair after her meeting with Rumpy.  Magic Mirror is dying to know what happened, but she just ignores him and heads straight for her butler who asks if Rumpy told her what she needed to know.  Yes.  And?  She’s not sure she should tell.  Is it that bad?  Maybe he can help.  She has to cut out the heart of the thing she loves the most.

Me?

Yes, Daddy.  WHOA!!!!!  Daddy?!?!?!?  How did I not see that one coming!!??!

She says she doesn’t know what to do.  He tells her she doesn’t need to do this; she can move past this.  He believes she can find love again, she just has to let go of her quest for vengeance.  Stop worrying about Snow White and start over.

Daddy Butler hugs her to him as she cries and says she just wants to be happy.  She can be; he knows it.  She thinks he’s right.  And……….stab.  Poor Daddy; I think he thought he was really getting to her for a minute there.

Die, Daddie, Die!

Feeling defeated, Emma goes to visit Snow, to thank her and also pay her back the bail money.  Snow senses there’s something more going on with Emma, so she invites her in for a chat over hot cocoa with (you guessed it!) a little dash of cinnamon.

Mommy?????

She asks Snow what she meant when she said she trusts her.  It’s the strangest thing, Snow tells her, but she feels like they’ve met before.  Crazy, huh?  Emma is starting to reevaluate her definition of crazy.  Snow thinks she’s innocent, but Emma says it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks she did or didn’t do; she’s leaving.  Snow tells her that the very fact she wants to go is why she needs to stay.

The next day Henry is meeting with Hopper and he’s clearly wounded over Emma’s words.  He tells Hopper that he doesn’t think he’s anyone, just Mr. Hopper.  Just then, Emma bursts in.  I think maybe Hopper should think about hiring a receptionist or something!

Obviously Henry doesn’t want to talk to Emma, given that she’s already said she thinks he’s crazy.  No, no, no, no; she thinks the CURSE is crazy, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true.  She tells Henry she was just telling Regina what she needed to hear (sort of like what she’s doing with him now); Regina needs to think they’re both non believers.

Please continue to talk about this in front of me so I can call Mayor EQ as soon as you leave.

Emma tells Henry there’s only one reason she stayed here: HIM.  She wanted to get to know him.  Emma has read the pages and she knows now that they are truly dangerous and Regina must never read them.  So she burns them.  In Hopper’s fireplace.  She better make sure they’re nothing but ashes before she leaves!!

Let’s head back to Fairyland and see how EQ is doing after the whole patricide thing……

IT’S ALIVE!!!!!!!  The curse, that is.

She visits her father’s grave to tell him she loves him (funny way of showing that, dearie) and we see that her dad’s name was HENRY!!!!!

What does it mean?

Cut back to Regina in her garden where Mr. Gold Rumpy has come to pay a visit; he was just in the neighborhood and thought he’d pop by.  He’s happy to see her happy.  Well, it’s been a good day; she’s just rid the town of an unwelcome nuisance.

Think again, Rumpy tells her.  He just saw Emma walking down the street with her boy, all chummy like.  You know, if she really wanted to get rid of her, she should have come to him.  He would have helped her, for a price.

Yeah, she’s done doing deals with him.  What deal is she referring to?  He knows.  Oh, yeah, her SON, Henry.  Such a lovely name, Henry.  However did she pick it?

You wanted that bitch in my town, didn’t you?

I think Regina has realized that Gold bringing her Henry was not just her lucky day; it was serving some purpose for him.  What does he know?  He has no idea what she’s talking about?  She thinks he does.  Who is this Emma Swann?  He thinks she knows EXACTLY who Emma is.  Must be going now!

Not so fast there, Rumpy Gold!  Regina wants him to tell her everything he knows about Emma.  He is not gonna tell her.  Now excuse him.  Please.  And Regina steps aside, wondering why the fuck she is stepping aside even as she does it.  BECAUSE HE SAID PLEASE!!!!!!!

And that’s our episode this week, Gasmi!  What did you think?  Did you know the butler was really her dad?  What do think about the deal she made with Rumpy?  Do you think she remembers?  I’m still on the fence about it; sometimes I’m SURE she does, and other times I think she’s forgotten just like everyone else.  One thing is sure: Rumpy knows the dealio!

Next week, more Snow and Charming, and it looks like Charming may be coming out of his coma sooner than we thought!  SQUEE!!!!!!!

I can’t wait to hear your take on this episode!  Ready?  Set?  Go!

SWAK, PottyMouth