So what do you do when you are a hip, single thirty something looking for some good reality television? Sure, we all love Real World, but there’s only so much of Wes’s stupidity one person can take in one day. If only there was a show out there that had that Real World flavor but was geared towards the more sophisticated viewer. Of course, since I’m talking about reality TV, I use “sophistication” loosely.
Well, look no further as this summer we get One Ocean View. No, it’s not a crossover of The View and 8th and Ocean, although god knows we need Vinci and Starr Jones to meet. Nope, it’s a new summer reality series featuring “people old enough to have real jobs, issues and baggage, but still young enough to leave all that behind and have a great time” spending their weekends at a summer house on Fire Island. So it’s like an older Real World where the contestants think a career is actually getting a job like opening a restaurant or being an insurance broker, as opposed to appearing on Real World/ Road Rules Challenge until you turn 40.
Hey, I have baggage! I have a real job! And I am still young enough to leave it all behind and have a great time! This is the perfect reality show for EdHill! And from what I’ve read it looks like this can be the sleeper reality show of the summer, even with such stiff competition as Big Brother All Stars and Project Runway 3. I mean, they have identical twins! That just opens up all sorts of opportunities for wacky musinderstandings.OK, since the show doesn’t start until July 31st, lets take some time to get to know our..umm.. contestants? No, that’s not right. Victims? Yeah. victims. One of the perks of being a staff member at TVgasm is we were able to get a press release on the upcoming show with a brief blurb on all of its contestants. I know, jealous aren’t you? Another thing we get. About 500 spam emails a day. So let me just take this moment to announce to the internets, EdHill does not have erectile dysfunction. Everything works pretty well in that department thank you very much, so please stop sending me emails trying to sell me Viagra. Also, a personal message for a Mr. Nikembu, the vice president of the Central Bank of Nigeria: I am willing to help open up the offshore account we spoke about. My bank account # is 13-78643-190. Email me soon so we can get the ball rolling!
Ok, enough of that. Let’s take a brief look at what we have to look forward to this summer.
First up we have Anelka, 23. I just love that I will soon have an “Anelka” in my life. It sounds like a character from Deep Space Nine. I wonder if she can speak Bajoran.
Heather, 27. her job is “sales account manager/recruiter” which has that vague bullshit resume language that makes you think she has a shitty job. Kind of like how you would call being the fry cook at the local Jack in the Box a “senior food service director”. She’s also posed in a men’s magazine. Of course that could mean anything from Maxim to Big Jugs.
John, 24. From his bio: “John treasures the t-shirt his father was wearing when he met his mother while waiting tables on Fire Island thirty years ago.” Wow. How…bizarre. Did he save the broken condom that led to his conception too?
K.J., 26, is described as “Coming out of a stormy five-year relationship”. What this tells me is that K.J. is not that smart. “Stormy relationships” aren’t supposed to last more than six months, since that is when the allure of “crazy girl sex” is no longer enough of a draw to outweigh the fact that you re dating a “crazy girl”. “Happy relationships” are the ones that go on for years.
Lauren, 23, will be spending her time in the One Ocean View house with her recent ex, and first “true love” Zack. Expect a lot of “whatever, I’m over you.” arguments followed by jealous rages.
Then we have Lisa, 28. Shes a grad student who is a stripper at night. Thats right, the stripper with the heart of gold and the waxed taint. Her fantasy guy is one who is “nerdy and smart.” And since she’s a stripper, he also has to be amazingly good looking. She only just throws out the “nerdy and smart” thing to make people think she’s not shallow.
Mary, 24 is described as an “über socialite” which sounds a little to Hitler’s SS for me, as well as the person who has “surprising candidness”. She’s the bitch of the group.
Usman, 27, is described as a “confident, no-holds-barred attorney with a penchant for beautiful women.” As opposed to the guys with a penchant for fat ugly women with bad teeth. He’s also described as a “male chauvinist”. So either he and Mary will argue and fight all season, or they will argue and then realize that they love each other in that cute Tom Hank’s/Meg Ryan way that wil endear them to us forever. Bet on the first one.
And finally we have Miki and Radha. 27. Identical twins! Whoa, talk about stunt casting. They might as well have thrown in a couple conjoined twins and a cloned goat. So the description given only says they are twins who own a pizza joint in NYC and both are attracted to the same men. Since there was no picture and they have unusual ethnic names I didn’t know if that meant they were two gay identical twins or two girls. So I Googled them. And found out yet again why I love Google so much.
Here they are acting in a student paly of Cyrano De Bergerac in College.
And heres the dorky cast photo.
Here is an article about how her and her sister played for the Cornell soccer am and beat Stony Brook 4 to 1. And we also find out that they are both from South Windsor, CT. I always love it when CT people are in reality shows.
And here is where we find out that Miki is lactose intolerant. Which means cheese makes her fart.
Google knows everything. Thank god I have E.D. Hill from Fox News to cover my Google tracks….
Now that we’ve met them and I’ve made my predictions, we’ll just have to wait until the premiere on July 31st on ABC to see if I’m right. And see if we can catch Miki ripping a huge one.