Sex, Lies and Videotape

After an initial episode that was a little slow and focused more on introductions, One Ocean View finally gets its groove going in Episode 2. Consider the first episode to be the one with lots of Jar Jar, and then when Episode 2 hits its all bounty hunters and Lightsaber duels. The Lauren and Zack relationship, if that’s what you can call it at this point, boils over and becomes a main focus of this week’s episode. Also, we get more people at the house so it gets that much harder to tell them apart. And most importantly, we get random casual sex. And believe me this girl puts the capital C in casual. Even Trishelle from Real World would give her a double take. But hey, that’s how things are on Fire Island. And we’re not here to judge. Oh wait, I mean we are totally here to judge. It’s like the best part of reality TV!
The show opens with our voiceover narrator. But this week instead of the painfully stilted Miki, we hear from Mary, the blonde girl with a thing for KJ. And she is equally awkward at voiceovers. James Earl Jones she ain’t. She gives us a little recap of the first episode which is basically Zack and Lauren fighting, Usman looking for some play, and Mary? “I’m here looking to find love” she says. “I kinda liked KJ at first, and then Lauren moved in”. Then we get a quick recap of the great Lauren KJ text message controversy. Hmm, I am now recapping a shows recap. That is so meta.

From here we go right to the opening credits, which bear a striking resemblance to the opening credits of a little show called Melrose Place. Right down to the part where each person looks up at the camera and lets out a little smile. Oh how I used to wish one day the credits would have read “And guest starring EdHill as Chad McManus” as I give out my coy smile with my awesome sideburns. I would have been a mysterious real estate mogul moving into Melrose Place and offering to buy Shooters from Jake, only to fall in love with Sydney and get caught cheating on her with Jane. Then I would get kidnapped on a boat and get amnesia, or some other crap like that. I planned it all out in my diary.

Anywho, Once the credits finish we see Zack on the ferry ride over. Only this ferry ride, is a ferry ride full of melancholy as evidenced by the really cheesy flashback images that float over his head. Images of him reading the infamous text message, images of Lauren walking in slow mo. Then we cut back to with a pensive look on his face. Of course in reality he was probably just gassy but we get the message.

When Zack gets to the island he meets up with Lisa, the shy stripper. Now I know that this whole preplanned borderline scripted “encounters” are the mainstay of some reality shows, the Guna being the pioneer, but it’s still a jarring experience to me. It’s gonna take some getting used to. It’s like the time that I found out wrestling was fake (believe me, all though my early teens I was convinced it was real. And frankly, this guy still thinks its real) . Lisa asks him about what happened the other night and Zack fills her in on the big ferry kiss controversy. Did Zack kiss her? Or was he the kissee? And does he like her or not? It’s unbelievably juvenile and stupid, and I love every second of it. God how stupid people entertain me. I swear if I was a king in the middle ages, I wouldn’t have a court jester I’d just bring a bunch of teenagers before me and listen to them argue about who did or didn’t invite someone to the summer solstice dance and whether or not Batholomew, son of Gabriel, did in fact send a text message on royal parchment to Winnifred, daughter of William. Then I’d behead them all!

Lisa wants to know what happened with Lauren and KJ so Zack tells her all about the kiss story, and whether Lauren likes KJ and vice versa. Whatever, Zack says he like totally has another date with this girl on Tuesday so it’s all good. She’s from Niagara Falls, so you don’t know her. Lisa says that they need to figure out a way to get along this summer, since she still thinks he is in love with her. And if it’s one thing strippers know about, it’s love.

Meanwhile at the One Ocean View house KJ is getting dinner ready and talking with Mary about all the house drama that he is in the middle of. He just wants to lay back and chill man. Soon Lisa and Zack show up and Zack immediately pulls KJ aside and asks whether or not he is interested in Lauren. KJ says nothing will happen so he shouldn’t worry. Zack doesn’t really buy it what with the whole kiss and text message controversy. KJ keeps telling him that “It’s not gonna happen”. Then Zack says he already heard that he did hook up with her. At least that’s what Lauren told him. As KJ walks outside Mary gives a quick “Shh” and then Lisa leaps into view with a high pitched “hi! I like your shirt!” . Lisa is not smooth. KJ tells Mary that he was just accused of “hooking up” with Lauren, which makes him mad. “Does she want to start a war with me?” Now I’m confused as well. Growing up in suburban CT, “hooking up” was always considered making out, until I met people from other suburban CT towns who referred to “hooking up” as having sex. It’s all so confusing. Why can’t people just say “we screwed”.

Back out in the kitchen, the mindless gossiping continues unabated. Lisa and Mary are talking about “what Zack wants in a girl”. They think he has potential but is a little immature. I don’t buy it since to be considered immature by these people would mean you are a fetus.

Later that day Miki and Radha are walking up to the house and having another one of those scripted “this is what I’m thinking about” moments that highlights the pairs acting ability, which was first let loose on the world in their Cornell performance of Cyrano De Bergerac. One of them (I stopped caring about which one was which) hopes that KJ and Mary don’t hook up as she doesn’t think they are right for each other. Also remember no one has hit on either of them at all yet, so maybe there is a little something else going on there.

That night we are in for a treat (as evidenced by the shit kicker country music that starts playing). A new houseguest is coming to town! She’s blonde and has huge fake boobs. Paging Usman! Her name is Heather and she is a “Sales Account Manager”, which is a conveniently vague job description. When she appears at the door and introduces herself all the guys give her a big double take as if they’ve never seen a bimbo with fake ones before, which we know is of course an impossibility with this crew. After a brief shot of Mary, the small chested blonde, giving her a dirty look she tells everyone she is from Pennsylvania. “What brings you here?” someone asks. “Just a fun summer” she sheepishly responds. Oh c’mon! just say it. “I was contacted by the producers to be on the show and thought it would be a great way to get my acting career started”.” I mean it’s not like those of us watching aren’t aware you have a giant TV crew in front of you and are playing to them for drama. We know. We accept it. And we love you anyway.

John is the “funny one”, hence the hat.

Next we see Lauren coming up the street and in a great piece if editing we hear cartoony wicked witch of the west music playing as we see her getting her umbrella caught in the rain. Something bitchy this way comes! When Lauren comes into the kitchen Zack decides to play it cool. Too cool for school actually, and not even get up to greet her. He just sits there and keeps eating his Doritos. At dinner John asks to hear a little something about their new roommate. She admits that yes last month she was in Playboy. Once the boys hear that they reach over the table and high five each other. That actually made me laugh out loud. I love dumb people. I really do. Lauren in one of her best Lauren moments to date says “Were you naked?” Awesome. Not to be outdone Zack says “So you must have like a ridiculous hot body.” Good lord it’s the Algonquin roundtable brought back to life. Sadly she didn’t bring a copy of the magazine with her. Another thing this “Sales Account manger” used to be? A Steelers cheerleader. Of course “celebrity wannabe” is assumed.

After Dinner Lisa can barely contain herself. She must tell Lauren all the dirt. Right in the middle of their heated discussion about the text message with KJ and who is and isn’t a liar, KJ walks in the room and lays down in the bed right next to them. When Lauren asks KJ what he thinks he says he thinks Lauren is manipulative. Also, Apparently KJ is also pretending that he just came in and lay down next to them while they are talking to “take a nap” and doesn’t even turn his head and says he “doesn’t want to talk about it”. He’s so Machiavellian! I mean, Machiavelli was retarded right? No? OK, so he’s not that Machiavellian. “You didn’t kiss me because you wanted to?” she asks him. KJ just says that he never made any advances and he doesn’t want to play these games, now please let me pretend to take a nap while you talk about me!

From here we go to the ferry and meet yet another houseguest. Her name is Anelka, which is Swedish for “dirty whore”. She goes right from the ferry to a bar and strikes up a conversation with the local bartender and tells her that she is here for the timeshare. Back in the house everyone is having a house meeting about the sleeping arrangements. When Zack tells Lauren “Why don’t you sleep with KJ?” Lauren just snaps at him saying she’s not interested. “Well that’s not what I heard” says Zack. “I’m sorry you’re wrong” Lauren says. Zack, not to be outdone in this battle of wits responds with “I’m sorry you’re wrong”. Wow. Not since the Lincoln Douglas debates have I seen such verbal firepower. Lauren then comes back by saying “I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever you say bounces of me and sticks to you.”

Things just go downhill from there as they get into a really entertainingly nasty fight. They argue about the text message, they argue about whether or not KJ anda her kissed by accident or not. It gets so heated that everyone slowly leaves the room to give them some sort of semi privacy with the camera crew. Everyone that is except Miki. She just sits there next to them as they argue. The woman needs to hear every delicious word. She is a gossip vampire.

MUST…BUT….IN

Then Zack talks about heartfelt emails he wrote to her, including poems, that she shared with other housemates. I bet you a hundred bucks at least one of them started with “Roses are red, violets are blue”. Back in the kitchen Miki then tells them every detail about what they missed. Good lord I’ve never seen a group of people so eager to talk about everyone and anyone behind their backs.

After the fight is over Anelka wanders into the house. She is followed quickly by good old Usman. As Usman is changing he gets filled in on the great “Who kissed who” controversy that is ruining everyone’s lives. Once everyone gets ready they all head out to get drunk and god willing, act even stupider. At the bar Usman has a revelation. The girls on Fire Island are either overweight or too ugly to go to the Hamptons. I can’t imagine why those fat ugly locals had a problem with the production. Usman then moves in on Anelka and tells her about his special outside cabana. They all end up taking the party back to the house and the hot tub. That is until Usman shows up and Lauren walks off in a huff. Anelka tells Usman that she is like totally into rockers or people who are just doing what they love. Hmm, you mean like blogging!?!

Wow. Castro really bounced back.

After the hot tub Usman asks Anelka to join him in the cabana, which she is only to eager to do. Usman comes to the cabana because he is “moody” and “likes to keep to himself”. We saw some of this before at the bar when he had his shirt off and woman writing things on his chest. Usman’s line of BS works as pretty soon nature takes its course. That is if nature was a DIRTY WHORE! We get the sex music playing, hear a bunch of slurping sounds and clothes being flung as Usman and Anelka do what mommies and daddies do when they love each other. Only they do it without love. Or, at the very least, a knowledge of each others last names.

The next morning as Usman, Anelka and the gonorrhea that they both now share are sleeping in the cabana, everyone goes outside to spy on them and think it’s hee-larious. It’s like a walk of shame right outside your window! Usman walks upstairs the conquering hero to all the other guys in the house. Then the guys all work out. Oh what a life it is to be pretty and stupid. While the other guys are working out John is busy hitting on heather the Steeler girl/ playboy model/ sales account manager.

When the guys are out walking the streets, Anelka is busy trying to defend her sluttiness with lines like “Well, I had nowhere to sleep” and “It’s not like I like him it was just you know…. someone to smooch” Usman of course likes to be smooched on his taint.

Just when this show couldn’t possibly be any more mindlessy, stupidly retardedly and immaturely awesome, that night everyone starts to play “spin the bottle”. I am in reality show stupid heaven. And what do you know John gets up and goes to give Heather a big kiss. And OHMIGOD! He totally used tongue! And then when KJ is up and it lands on Lauren, all sorts of tensions arise. KJ ain’t gonna go there man. Then back at the house the girls are all wondering aloud about “who’s going to sneak into whose bed tonight”. Remember these people have known each other for no more than a week. Damn this show is a glory of riches.

The next day everyone goes to the beach for a nice game of volleyball. Lauren is telling Miki that she was like, totally not going to play spin the bottle with KJ so why does he still believe that she likes him? What happens next is a blur of bikinis, sand and balls with a rock and roll soundtrack.

Later John and Heather have a nice little bubble bath together. Once Miki (or Radha) find out about it they do their usual thing and race to tell everyone in the house all about it. Miki and Radha need to get laid. Their like that one girl at the party that comes with her friends and just decides to c-block all her friends attempts at having any fun. I hate those chicks.

After the PG-13 bath is over everyone starts packing. It looks like another weekend on Fire Island has come and gone. Heather and Usman both leave together and on the deck Miki is once again pumping another houseguest for information. Miki admits that she has a crush on KJ, which brings us back to her earlier “I dint think KJ and Mary are right for each other” conversation. It’s Anelka, the recently de-d-de-de-de-deflowered conquest of Usman. “Everyone’s very friendly. Some more friendly than others” Anelka says. Yeah, we know. FORNICATOR!!Miki then pumps her for info about Usman like Usman, well , pumped her. Would she go out to dinner with him in the city? “A girls gotta eat” she laughs. And screw indiscriminately!

At the Ferry heather and John are in that early barf inducing cutesy flirty phase so their goodbye is especially sickening. So it’s good the from there we cut right to Lauren and Zack. Lauren has taken it upon her self to lecture Zack about his upcoming date. “Obviously this week is going to be a little bit weird for both of us because you’re going on the second date in your life. Since you’ve moved to New York City you’ve never had another girl sleep in your bed. ” As annoying as that sentence is you really need to hear her say it. She has this bitchy condescending tone of voice that just captures the meaning perfectly. Then Lauren says that she doesn’t think that they should give up on each other just yet. As opposed to last episode where she told him that they aren’t in love anymore and its time for them to start seeing other people, and then the night before drunk in the bar would kiss him and say “I wish you knew what I was thinking right now”. Speaking as someone who once dated a girl like this I have one piece of advice to give to Zack. Run. Run as fast as you can. Run away and never look back. Shes note ven that hot. She’s the size of a hobbit.

Lauren then tries her final gambit. The only way she can really let go is to say “Lauren no more Zack”. Zack doesn’t take the bait and agrees with her. At this point in his life, he says, he wants to move on. With Laurens mind games no longer working she gets up quietly and walks off. Now thats what I call ending the show on a high note. Good for you Zack. Now lets get Usman and go cruise for some fat Fire Island ho’s!

What did everyone else think? Are Usman and Anelka destined to be together forever? DO you think either of them even know how to pronounce each others name correctly?