Oscargasm Part 1: Black Swan and The Fighter

To celebrate Oscar week, the gasm recappers take on the Best Picture Nominees two a day until Sunday. Enjoy!

Black Swan

WaffleBoy: Natalie Portman got her weight down to the same level as a 10-year-old boy on a fifth grade soccer team for this one. Now that’s acting. Or self-starvation. Either way, I smell Os-Car!

P-Baby Walker: Natalie Portman is going to win this bitch.  Annoying because I know she got all knocked up on purpose since it led to Oscar victories for Catherine Zeta Jones and Meryl Streep. Well I’ve got news.  She’s no Meryl Streep.  She’s not really a Catherine either but that lady was doing just fine before Oscar when she bagged Michael Douglas  Regardless, Natalie’s going to win the bald golden man and Annette Bening can take solace in the fact that 1.  She never starred in a sex movie with Ashton Kutcher and 2. She’s married to Warren Beatty and Natalie’s baby dady is essentially Kevin Federline if Kevin Federline was a gropey ballerina instead of, well, Kevin Federline. (Check out P-Baby’s Black Swan Moviegasm here)

HoneyGangsta: The funniest thing about this movie is how hard the studio has worked to convince us that Natalie Portman did her own dancing.  Then they released a video showing how they do the face replacement with the real ballerinas, all the while screaming that she did 90% of the dancing.  Oh and here’s where we switched out the body double, and the dance double, and the false floor.  Here are the team of acrobats who did her stunts.  BUT SHE DID HER OWN DANCING!  Look, she may have made her own faces, but she didn’t do her own dancing – at least not much.  She’s not a ballerina. She’s an ACTRESS.  Isn’t that what her nomination is all about?  But Winona Ryder really did stab herself in the face with a nail file – that was real.

NotWithoutMyTV: I’m just uncomfortable with the whole “mentally ill artistic genius loses reality’s email address” thing. I blame it on having seen Isabelle Huppert in the Piano Teacher–I’m never going to get over that. I salute Natalie Portman’s effort to throw herself into the role. I just don’t think Black Swan has the gravitas to win.

PottyMouth: I absolutely LOVE ballet, so that definitely gave this film a leg up on the competition.  Kudos to Aronofsky who did enough here to make me forget how much Natalie Portman gets on my last fucking nerve.  No worries though, I’m reminded of that fact every time I see her on my TV talking about this movie.

TheMiki: Holy hot lesbian scene, Batman.  When Mila Kunis was going to town on Natalie Portman and the row of little old ladies in front of me were giggling like twelve-year-old girls while I fought off the urge to start touching myself inappropriately, I knew this movie was Oscar gold!  Oh, and I hear there was some filler in there about obsession and insanity and ballet or something too.  I wasn’t really paying attention.

SexyPanda: The lesbo scene didn’t do it for me.  The stork legs totally did. WIN.

Saint Claire of Assisi: This is my pick for Best Picture. To be fair, if any of the other nominees had a lesbian sex scene, I’d pick that instead.

Chickbomb: Everyone’s so caught up in the NP/MK lesbian fantasy scene they completely missed the real fantasy scene in this movie –  dirty, old guy shoves his hand down repressed ballerina’s skirt and 3 seconds later POOF!  Mind-bending, life-altering orgasm!  Total.  Fucking. Fantasy.

Flipit: Cutting? Imaginary lesbian sex? Barbara Hershey looking scarier than Lanie Kazan in a swimsuit? Men in tights? Bulimia? The girl from That 70′s show? Red contacts? Natalie Portman in a decent role? McDonald’s fries better than Wendy’s?

Sorry for all the questions, but this movie left me with a lot of them. And I loved every second of it. It made me wanna dance, cut myself and throw something up. I only did one of those things.

Bluzgirl tallies it up: 2 points for “crazy lady obsessed past bunny boiling point” kind of story, 2 points for hard work learning how to ballerina herself all over the place, 2 points for lezzy love scene, 2 sympathy points for Nat having a kid who has a 50% chance of being really ugly and then minus 2 points for making ugly guys think they can score hot chicks.  Again.  Total:  6

The Fighter

WaffleBoy: The story of a young man who overcomes dealing with his drug addict brother and manipulative mother by beating other men savagely about the head and shoulders. Critics are saying the psychological concept of transference has never been so entertaining.

Saint Claire of Assisi: Underdog boxer overcomes the odds to become a champion? What a cool idea for a movie!

NotWithoutMyTV: Aside from uneducated Bostonians being really, really in right now, The Fighter probably should win on its own merits. But it won’t. Because of The King’s Speech. Marky Mark is getting better, but he’s still kind of flat. Christian Bale carried the whole damn thing, and transformed a fairly decent movie into a flick that actually might have been worthy of 1/4 of the buzz it’s gotten–which is still a lot.  But The Fighter won’t win.

TheMiki: I haven’t seen it, so I’ll just give my thoughts on boxing in general:  Not enough punching, way the fuck too much hugging.

SexyPanda: I prefer the “Christian Bale Freakout” mix instead. (“What don’t you fucking understand? I’m gonna fucking kick your fucking ass.”)

P-BabyWalker: Geoffrey Rush is a fool if he isn’t streaming the Bale rant on his social networking accounts.  Even if he’s not, which I’m sure he’s got better things to do like star in another fucking pirate movie, he probably doesn’t need another Oscar anyway.  Bale wants it BAD, so let’s just give it to him lest he punch the orchestra conductor in the face and burn the auditorium down.  And if we could just give one to Melissa Leo while we’re at it since she survived being stalked by John Heard. (Check out P-Baby’s The Fighter Moviegasm here)

Flipit: Every time Marky Mark comes out in a movie, I think of the character based on him in Entourage and get disappointed. Take The Fighter. How in the f did Vincent Chase get in a movie with Christian Bale? The guy is terrrrrible! So I don’t go see it. And then it gets nominated for an Oscar so I feel like I have to see it and I pout about it and cry and throw fits and finally pay my dollas for the flick and realize wait. That’s not Vincent Chase, it’s Marky Mark! Then I scream TAKE SOMETHIN’ OFF, TIGER! to the screen and get kicked out of the theater. I am gonna assume he finally wins a fight. Loved the half I saw, though! Those bitch sisters need to be in every movie. That Natalie Portman sex comedy could have used a gaggle of hags following Nat while sniggering “MTV girl! Bitch! Hooah!”

Chickbomb: Sorry, I just prefer my Christian Bale hotter than this.

Bluzgirl tallies it up: 2 points because Mark Wahlberg is hot and can almost make us forget he was Marky Mark; 2 points for good fight scenes; 4 points for Christian Bale and then minus 2 points because we just remembered Mark Walhberg was Marky Mark.  Total:  6.