Girl on the Loose: Celebrities Have Boring Lives

There are many things that Pam Anderson has done in her career to prove she’s got talent, and she’s shown off those talents plenty. For instance, consider V.I.P. She showed she wasn’t just some bimbo who wore a swimsuit. She showed that she could pull off the hard-hitting world of, um, bodyguarding aided by a couple sexy assistants (and a dude). There was also a sex tape and a lot of Playboy issues. I guess what I’m trying to say is, Pam at least used to be hot and relevant, and isn’t so much any more, so I guess she’s trying to regain that relevance or something. But on her own terms?

What are those rectangle things and why are they in my goddamn shot?

You know, I really have no idea what this show is all about, aside from Pam. But if it’s avoiding the plot-laced contrived shit that Keeping Up with the Kardashians was all about, then I just might not hate it. And, thankfully, in the opening sequence Ms. Anderson-Lee-Lee-Rock-Lee (is there a Sambora in there?) explains that it’s NOT a reality show, but is, in fact, a documentary. There will be no kids, but there could (will) be some tits and ass.

We open with Pam bragging about how she does her own hair, as she’s coloring it, and she tells us the story of why she does it. Doesn’t that sound interesting? Yeah, her anecdote isn’t really either. And from there we head to a red carpet for the premiere of Superhero Movie. The extent of that adventure is her standing around getting her picture taken. Ok, we’re about two minutes in, and I’m not sure how interesting this show will be. But, it does appear that they’re sticking true to the documentary form. Let’s see: no kids (even though she talks about them a lot), blurred body parts…where is the entertainment?

You do that all by yourself?

Ok, so next up we meet Pam’s brother Jerry. He just popped in to get some stuff signed for charity work that he’s doing. He looks, well, I guess kind of like Kid Rock if he were a surfer instead of just white trash. He also happens to be a writer, and he has tons of scripts lying around. Um, sorry dude, but I would say the reason your shit isn’t getting made is because it sucks. Pam volunteers to produce some of them, but I don’t think either of them are actually too serious about it. And with that, Jerry heads off into the sunset.

Pam has an assload of memorabilia, and just stuff that apparently is too important to get rid of. Or, make that, was too important, because she’s taking stock for some sort of yard sale. She also has a collection of 20 mattresses that she’s sullied with her uncleanliness. Meaning sex. I’m sure the market value for those is pretty high. And I’m not really joking.

Up next in the tour of Pam is her mom. There is the random conversation and inside jokes that you don’t get in normal non-documentary bullshit, but then probably the first interesting thing in the show thus far happens: Pam says she’s going to have to go live with Tommy for a few weeks. And mom’s demeanor changes drastically from fun and light-hearted to quiet and concerned. She knows what Tommy’s got down there. Seriously, you would go live with someone you’ve married like 8 times why?

Continuing the parade of cast players for this 8 episode (at least that’s what they said) journey is Jon, Pam’s assistant, who also used to work for Motley Crue. Pam describes him like a husband without any of the good stuff. Following that, we meet Gloria who is organizing Pam’s estate sale. But she can’t get Jon’s door open! The hilarity! He’s stuck in a meeting with Pam, which obviously sounds real official.

Ok, seriously, this is just a parade of characters now. Up next is Errol, and he’s a driver I guess. He’s waiting for Pam at a David LaChapelle photoshoot before an impromptu trip to Vegas. Pam describes David LaChapelle was one of her soulmates and says they’ll end up in Hawaii together. Free spirit or not, I loathe people who talk about multiple soulmates. David is on some sort of time-crunch and is flipping out about Pam getting her makeup done in time to get the shoot completed. Talk about a cliffhanger! I can hardly breathe!

This is actually very hard work, k?

One thing I hate about shows on E! is that they create dramatic situations by setting one up, then leaving it to show something else. Case in point, we now see Jon getting back to his office 80 minutes after he said he would! And he blames one of Pam’s kids for being late. And just like that, we’re back to Pam and David, and she’s still not done yet. But, eventually she does get done, they get all the shots (there’s nudity involved in them. Could you guess?) and now they only have 90 minutes to get to Vegas! Another cliffhanger?!

Would you believe it? They make it in time. And the show goes off without a hitch, and it looks like Pam is dancing on stage, so I’ll just assume she was. Afterward Pam sees Criss Angel and they decide to go see the Girls Next Door. So, uh, they’re a Vegas attraction now or something? And, Criss Angel? Really? She also meets up with Hugh Hefner if you can believe it. It really just looks like there’s a lot of standing around, then she does a backbend and tells us it’s important for girls to do gymnastics when they’re young so they can be sexual freaks (the good kind) when they get older. At least, that’s the message I got from it.

It’s not like anyone just handed her sacks of money for no reason people. She’s got talent.

Hey! Remember the estate sale? The people doing the actual work are concerned about being able to get everything set up. But rather than anyone doing real work, it’s just Pam walking around more of her shit with her mother. Yet another scene without anything really happening but still without resolution.

Pam is also working with some architect or something and has weekly meetings for updates on the progress of her new house being built. The dude designing her house calls her, seriously, a “genius.” His reasoning? She has an opinion about everything. Now I know what you’re thinking. Maybe that just makes her opinionated. Well, he goes on to tell us that her opinions “are based on thought. Not just ‘I like it.’” This dude is totally right. I’m so sick of people not thinking about their opinions. Now, I’m still not going to call Pam a genius, but she may be less retarded than this guy.

One bizarre thing I’m noticing is that between a lot of the scenes, there’s Pam just lying in a bathtub, naked obviously (but concealed) and talking to the camera. Ok, now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, it’s the day of the estate sale, and gasp! everything appears to have worked out just fine. Remember when I said there was a market for her used mattresses? Well, there’s a market for everything else she’s used too. Like, swimsuits, lingerie, etc. She’s doing it to raise money for PETA which I guess is ethical enough if you don’t hate those groups (which I kind of do. But their ad campaigns aren’t the worst).

You have to admit, she looks much better covered in chili’s than she would look covered in meat.

The most bizarre thing about the sale is the people who came to shop. I can’t really explain, but one couple brought their RV up the night before so they could be first in line. And the woman says she loves estate sales, but doesn’t seem to care whose shit she’s buying. She’s also forcing her kids to have a lemonade stand, and that money goes toward some Wildlife Center. Did you know Pam loves charity? Oh you didn’t? Well let her hammer home the fact some more.

So that was pretty much the show. They’re definitely sticking true to the documentary style. You can tell that pretty much none of this shit seems contrived. It does kind of seem like Pam has final say over what gets aired and how she’s portrayed (which isn’t that surprising) but it’s really just her life. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about it, it’s that it’s fairly boring. Did anybody watch this? Also, since I’ve never recapped anything at all like this, feel free to give advice/criticisms.