Pam Anderson: Girl on the Loose: Did You Know Pam Has a Cause? You Will, and You Probably Don’t Care

Hey everybody! So how about that Michael Phelps character? It’s pretty impressive what he did, right? You know what else is impressive? The entire length of his races were interesting, even exciting. I’m pretty sure that nothing in the entire length of Pam: Girl on the Loose is going to be remotely as interesting as that. In fact, you could jam the whole thing into 4 minutes and still not have anything remotely interesting. You know, I’m terrible at promoting this show.

Who needs PR?

This week we start off with Pam reading what looks to be producer’s notes or something, and what they want her to talk about. How incredibly meta. It’s, like, totally a real documentary. At times I feel like Pam is just trying way too hard to be interesting, and, really, she’s just like you or me. Well, actually, my life is probably more interesting than hers. Like, will I get evicted this week? Stay tuned to find out!

Remember when everyone was calling Pam a genius in the first two episodes? Well, she puts that logic to good use. She says it’s good she got [whoever she got] to build her house and it’s costing a fortune so anyone else would have ripped her off more. Of course, that’s assuming whoever is building her house is competent, and that’s probably not the case if she hired him and he’s also calling her a genius. Anyways, there are complications involving the pool Pam wants at her new house, and they’re constantly digging and shit. Her main concern? What if a bird falls in and dies or something? Wouldn’t that be miserable?! Maybe rather than build yourself a pool with your millions of dollars while also living next to the beach, build a bird sanctuary. Or a bird house. Or stop bitching about birds. Yeah, that.

Well, I guess I’m not going to get my wish because up next is some sort of background about how much Pam loves animals. Hey! Did you know Pam loves animals? She tries to divert the attention away from herself and towards animal rights, and I get that, and it’s admirable or whatever, but we’re about 5 minutes in and I’m sick of having that shoved in my face non-stop. We also meet some dude from PETA called Dan Matthews, and he and Pam get together for a powwow about animal rights or something. Pam is confused about why Americans still test on animals, and Dan has his own theories. My theory is that Dan is insane. But you may disagree with me, and nobody really cares what I think anyways.

Following the little rant, some really bizarre shit happens. First Dan and Pam discuss going to D.C. and throwing red paint on people or something, and Pam says she wouldn’t be able to recognize anyone, possibly W. Now I get that she’s being facetious, but if she was really all about taking action, maybe she could have used some of her fame to lobby or something. Maybe? Nah, demonstrating, posing naked and being a general nuisance is much more effective. Then the two of them have sword fights with ears of corn (I believe), then they sit on a dumpster in the middle of nowhere for a while. At least one of these two has a learning disability, I’m sure of it.

Enough with the Vaseline on the lens. This show is making me feel like I have cataracts.

Pam and Dan show up to the Department of Health and Human Services and apparently the publicity machine was working because some guy from Fox News was there, and he interviewed her outside. The Secretary constantly ignores requests to meet with PETA (who wouldn’t?) but today he’s allowed his assistant to meet with Pam and Dan. Unfortunately we’re not privy to how the meeting went, since the cameras weren’t allowed in the government building. I’ll assume it was a bunch of people sitting around in monocles laughing at these two PETA people though.

Back in L.A., the producers are making their best attempt to drum up some sort of dramatic situation going on in this snoozefest. There’s more water where Pam wants to build her pool! What’s she going to do?! The contractor says they had to re-engineer the foundation in order to deal with the water, and I can’t help but wonder if maybe Pam should have hired someone to do a little more research about building a pool on that lot before she actually purchased it. Nah! So will Pam be satisfied with the result?! We can’t find out yet??

Next week, Pam tries to choose wallpaper. The suspense!

Following the meeting with the secretary, Pam and Dan go to do Larry King Live. As you can guess, it’s as boring as it sounds. Dan said that the meeting with the Secretary was ground-breaking, and I’ll assume he means that in the truest sense since it was, like, the first meeting they’d ever had. Then Larry says fuck you to Dan and wants to get back to focusing on Pam. Literally nothing we see of the interview is interesting. We do find out that Dan and Ms. Anderson are also going to the White House Correspondents’ Dinner so I’m sure they’ll fit in well there.

Either that night or the next morning, thank God Pam gets a video camera and goes in to tape Dan in his bubble bath. Does this show have a quota to fill on bathtub interviews? So, so bizarre. Pam and Dan spend the rest of the day going to see the sights of glorious Washington, D.C. and if you guessed that it was boring, you’re dead wrong! The Washington Monument! They had someone record them standing outside the White House! Eat your heart out Michael Phelps!

Thank God we can get away from all that action and slow the pace down a little bit to check back in on Pam’s pool. Will it get done by the time she gets back from D.C. in what I would assume is about 24 hours? We meet two new characters who we’ve seen before but never been appropriately introduced to in a finance manager (who I think refers to Pam building her house as his dream job) and another woman who handles the day to day finance managing. Mr. finance manager doesn’t want to spend the money to tile Pam’s pool, and the head contracting guy wants it done. And then there’s an argument that lasts way too long and I don’t think there was any sort of resolution. Just the sort of break in action I needed.

Pam and Dan go to the White House Correspondents’ Dinner and apparently they just let anybody in to these things. W. makes a comment about having Pam Anderson and Mitt Romney in the same place, and his writers must have been working overtime to come up with something so clever. Dan then extols Pam’s mothering abilities because they flew home and she took her kids to a baseball game. Yes, she truly deserves mother of the year. Sorry to all the moms out there.

The eight year long joke.

So now that she’s back, randomly Tommy shows up to her house in his bus. He comes inside (which we see for a second) and then she goes out to his bus and they ride around together. There’s a conversation about Tommy coming to a baseball game which is just awkward, and later Pam yells chides him for showing the kids a movie they shouldn’t see. This whole relationship makes me really uncomfortable, and I’d rather not watch any more exchanges.

And I’ve got shit luck because it looks like there’s a lot more of it on the next episode. At least we got no resolution on the pool situation, and one again little to nothing happened. Is there a chance this show doesn’t run the full length, because it’s just awful. Anyways, let me know what you thought in the comments, and I’m pretty sure nobody even watches this anyways so feel free to lend me your sympathy.

Actually ew. Save your sympathy for him.