Pam: Girl On the Loose: Let’s Jam Down Your Throat that Pam is Similar to Marilyn Monroe (But Alive)

Last week on Pam: Girl on the Loose we learned that, uh, Pam doesn’t do much, she considers herself an above average mother and doesn’t feel like she needs to prove it, and she loves PETA. Did I mention that she doesn’t do much? Well, hopefully this week we’ll get off to something better, because I don’t have the attention span for someone so attractive (at least once) to be so dull. Does that make me shallow?

He’s totally taking a picture of my brain right now.

This week, we get to start off with Pam talking, again, about PETA. She’s always been interested in animal rights (ugh), even before she was famous. According to her at least, so I guess if you believe everything she says (which I don’t really), then she’s pure animal activist. Anyways, Brigitte Bardot and Pam became good friends through animal welfare or whatever, and, bam, right out of the gate Pam is in France. I think? The trip is so interesting that the segment lasts an entire minute! But, seriously, like there’s shit to do in France anyways.

Following some retarded segment, I think which was intended to show that Pam is a good mother (to one of her sons) it’s time for Pam’s weekly meeting about the progress of her home-building project. Wait, scratch that. Pam is making out her will with no fewer than 4 people around her. The bulk of her shit will go to her kids and her parents I think. She also wants her kids to have property of her trademark and memorabilia and shit. And that makes perfect sense. You know what I want? Millions of naked pictures of my mom, especially that I can sell to a bunch of old perverts. Rest in peace mom, these creepy old dudes will definitely respect your legacy.

Up next on the whirlwind tour that is meeting people who basically work for Pam is her manager, Peter, 1/2 of the dynamic duo Peter and Gordon who wrote and performed the hit song…uh…well you can be damn sure that they did write some hits. Because he’s a hot-shot manager now. And he lives down the street from Pam! How convenient. He does some rambling about what a manager does, which is great if you’re incompetent. Which I am. So, seriously, it was great to learn. Also, Pam tells us he used to manage Courtney Love and James Taylor too, so I guess he’s managed a…MOTLEY CREW! Hiyo!

Dude, I think Courtney needs you right now.

After some more boring stuff with Peter, Pam takes either her kids or one of her kids to the Playboy Mansion. So that’s two Hef appearances in in two weeks. After a plethora of double entendres (including while her child/children are around) Pam makes a comment about how cute the monkeys are (they’re looking at the monkeys obvs) but it’s also sad because they’re in captivity. I mean, I guess that’s why it’s sad. She actually just said, “Look at their little hands…it’s sad.” So maybe she’s just concerned about some underdeveloped appendages. Side note: do you think Hef gets sick of all these fucking E! cameras around his place? Seriously Pam, you’re doing him no favors.

While still at the mansion, Pam introduces us to some dude who represents a bunch of famous people. Here’s the kicker: they’re all dead! And he’s agreed to represent Pam when she’s dead. And he’s got big plans for her. It must take some kind of special talent to represent a bunch of dead people who have no contracts and when you can’t actually represent them. This is retarded, but it looks like at the end of it Pam agrees that it’s pretty ridiculous. Thank God she’s at least not into that bullshit, and let’s all agree it was totally bullshit.

Scratch that, Pam is a retard. Following that, she has a meeting with Peter and 4 other people who don’t say a word. They compare her to Marilyn Monroe (Peter did this earlier too I believe) except that she’s alive. Ohh, so that’s the difference! I see it now! Anyways, Peter says they should talk to this Mark character (the agent for deados) and get her after-life taken care of. I cannot believe anyone would take this seriously. If this is some sort of satirical portion of the show, then congratulations, you guys got me, because you all seem so retardedly interested in it post-mortem death.

Next on the on camera to do list is to introduce her brother from last week to her manager. Why they haven’t met before I’m not sure (no cameras), and why they’re meeting now I’m not sure (cameras), but as to be expected, it’s an awkward introduction. Not that it merited being mentioned, but the meeting occurs at the place where they’re building Pam’s new house, and she points out that her new house will have an ocean view if you look over the hills and if those trees and houses and hills weren’t there.

Let’s trade places, biatch!

Want to meet somebody new? Nope, I don’t either. But, Pam doesn’t give a shit about what we want to see, it’s what she wants to show us. So next we meet her cook, and that’s his name: “My Cook.” Pam says that her goal is to have her own cooking show, and if there’s anything I’m learning about Ms. Anderson, it’s that she’s semi-delusional, and she surrounds herself with people who perpetuate the delusions. Seriously everyone, stop calling her a genius. The cook goes on to say how good of a mother Pam is, how she’ll cook and clean for her kids (she doesn’t have a cleaning lady). But, uh, Mr. cook is the one who did the cooking. So, uh, I’m just going to go ahead and remain skeptical, ok? Ok.

Remember Pam’s brother? I wonder if he’ll be a staple of this show or something. The reason I wonder is because he’s back, yet again, and he’s got memorabilia for her to sign. Except, I don’t think any of it has anything to do with Pam whatsoever. Whatever. Anyways, his new screenplay he’s working on is a western. Yeah, that makes sense. Westerns are so hot right now. Seriously if you want to take a run at 3:10 to Yuma and think you can compete, go for it, but, uh, don’t expect to get that shit made. However, apparently I was wrong, her brother is the only one who’s been doing collectibles with her from the start (he’s giving her her old shoes to sign. Should he have those?), and I guess I saw her signing shoes and boxing gloves which is what it looked like at first. Also, remember when Gerry said he sold shit for charity? Yeah, I don’t think that’s the case, as this week he says it’s fun and he does it on the side. This show is so fucking weird, I can’t handle it.

Does anybody remember that dude who represents dead people? How could you forget, right? Well, now he gets a formal introduction on camera, and his name is Mark something or other. Peter is checking in with Mark to see the operation, and Peter is just as insane as Mark. Peter calls Mark very smart, so instantly his opinion is shit.

Ok, if you had to choose a hot blond to come see you, would you choose Jessica Simpson, or would you choose Pam? And also, remember this question pertains to now, not ten years ago. Well, those lucky Marine bastards get both! They also get some other celebrities, but obviously this is all to show how Pam supports the troops and they love her. She does look pretty hot though, it would make it slightly easier to handle fighting for your country, as at least one marine points out. Even though…she’s Canadian! Protect our secrets!

Guess who else is at this USO thing? Pam’s American-born twin, Kathy Griffin! The two are sharing a door to separate dressing rooms, and Kathy wants a picture. But they don’t actually show any picture. I think this is basically all just done to show that everyone wants a piece of Pam. And just to drive home the point (or maybe not but I’ll assume so) Kathy asks again if Pam will take pictures. This time we see the pictures taken, and they also include a bunch of Marines so that’s probably the only reason why Pam agreed. Also, Pam points out that her mom said she’s scared of Kathy Griffin, which Kathy takes in stride and says something fairly funny. She just stole Pam’s own show. Well, that and Pam’s boobs did.

Kathy is going to totally steal this Vaseline lensed bright bright light look for her own show.

The extent of Pam’s appearance was basically introducing Toby Keith, which absolutely no one would want to do. But she also wanders around getting pictures taken and looking like a general whore, which if you didn’t know is actually a great morale booster. So she’s doing her job…like any good Canadian! Don’t let her steal our secrets!

And that’s the end of the show for this week. I guess there was a little more happening, but really nothing so far has convinced me that Pam leads anything but an extremely boring life. Stay tuned next week when it looks like she does something interesting and then doesn’t.