On this year’s Tournament of Roses Parade, Hannah Storm behaves inappropriately with a puppy and scares children.
Mommy that puppy’s crying!
Being more of a traditional homo myself, I tend to stay away from ESPN. All they show are different forms of…exercise. With rules and points and penalties and stuff. And lots of old white guys shaking their jowls at the cameras, shouting and growling and spitting about people I don’t know doing things I don’t understand. No. No. No.
That said, technically this is ABC and there’s only one sport we have to pay attention to for the next two hours: FLOATS.
That Jackie Chan float sure bloodied up the Rose Queen float this morning, eh, Bob?
First touching montage of 2010:
On the first day of 2009, the sun came up in the East. It did the exact same thing in 2010, and you were face down drunk on the bathroom floor using your boxer briefs as a pillow. AGAIN. Only the tiles have changed. Happy….New Year?
This is a day to…
Ow! My face! WAAAAHHHHHH!
It’s also a time to make resolutions.
…to climb higher mountains!
…to forge wider streams!!
…to not daydream about throttling these insolent brats…as much.
No, you stupid little boob! JESUS! Your brain is like mashed potatoes.
I resolve to trash any books with words or numbers in them!!
I resolve to do more people’s taxes to pay for my Harvard education so I can responsibly fulfill my duties as a nerdy Asian child stereotype.
I resolve to do pushups to fix my webbed underarm fat.
I resolve to stop smoking marijuana.
…to smile less at the food kitchen. It makes people uncomfortable.
…to stop poisoning hobos.
…to stop paying for internet porn.
I resolve to not ask for money every time I write my dad.
I’m pregnant. Send me cash ASAP. LOVE
That was touching stuff. We open this years parade with a half diamond formation of cops blaring their sirens.
This looks like my neighborhood after sundown.
The police clear the way for the marching band. Sparklers! Roses! Flags! Giant representations of quivering labias!
And now! The hero who glided that jetliner into the river and saved everyone’s life! Captain CB Sully Sullenberger! He’s here because he wants to avoid publicity as much as possible he perfectly fits this year’s theme: A Cut Above the Rest. Personally, I would have chosen Dexter.
What? He deserved it.
Dressing like Jackie Kennedy while you’re driving around in the backseat of an open car with your popular husband just seems like a really, really bad idea.
What better way to start off the new year than with a tall, handsome, in shape guy giving a blow job ?
2010 is gonna be the best. Year. EVAAAHHH.
Now for some clips of Sully doing his gliding thing in the river and saving all those people. The commentators tell us about his reasons for coming here: he wants to show that ordinary virtues can overcome challenges. Uh…cuz a less moral person flying that plane would have been like “fuck it. We’re going down. Let’s get wasted and not pray and just all die.”
Let’s meet our commentators!! Part of the reason I wanted to recap this parade is that I heard on a commercial that Josh Elliot would be one of the talking heads. It made me proud that porn stars can actually legitimize themselves after all.
Well, that was a pipe dream. This is Josh Elliot with two t’s. Ugh.
Congressman hair = no sexy shots.
Hannah Storm? LOL. Let me guess. You do weather. Nope! She’s a sports anchor! What a wasted name. Elliott is telling us how long the parade is and what streets it’s gonna turn on, and Hannah smiles like everything he’s saying is just hilarious. Or she’s laughing at his hair. I choose B, just cuz it’s more fun.
Did you guys know that the floats aren’t allowed to use anything but organic materials? No dyes! No paints! Well, how green. Wait a second. What’s green about murdering millions of flowers for a parade? Gayest holocaust ever.
The “unofficial Mayor” of today’s event is a dude named John Naber. Could you unofficially lower street parking rates? K thanks. Naber has a Geraldo mustache and an obsession with making us look up his giant hairy nostrils. He needs to be stopped.
Nose hair is supposed to filter air, not completely block it. Mouth breather.
Naber tells us that the parade is that last Christmas present we all get every year. But it wasn’t on our three page list of requests. And it didn’t come with a gift receipt. And wait a second. This isn’t a gift! It’s a holocaust! I haven’t felt this betrayed since Santa told me it was “selfish” to ask for “more than my friends get” when I was five. Screw all of you people! On our way to our first commercial break, Hannah Storm teases “come back to find out how those gorillas got all that hair!” It’s called puberty, moron.
When I need to be close to people I just stand in a line somewhere, which is free. Suck it, Wachovia!
I think I saw this girl on the back of a milk carton.
EW!! Get a room!! This isn’t a bachelor party in Juarez!
Now you both have worms.
We come back just in time to catch the Ohio State School for the Blind Marching Band. Wow. They were formed cuz the School for the Deaf down the street wanted a band for their football games. It’s kinda perfect, actually. They can’t see the deaf kids boo them and the deaf kids can’t hear the blind kids playing “At Least We Can HEAR” by the Rolling Stones.
I pity the first blind kid who runs up and tries to read this sign. Poor thing’ll be stampeded.
I call bullshit! That one’s staring right at the camera!
The next float is from Donate Life, an organization that collects organs from dead people or something. I’m an organ donor, ain’t I sweet! Good luck with that liver, suckas! The float is supposed to be inspiring, but it’s pretty scary. Like that eagle is saying “donate your organs, or I’ll come into your room at night and take them my damn self.”
All over the float are pics of people who died and donated their organs to help save lives. The pics are made from seeds and stuff. It’s sweet and I won’t make fun of the dead kids. That’s called boundaries.
Oh yeah? You should see what I could do with the bottom of a pudding cup!
Now for some Marine bands coming together to march. They’re as fun and loose as you’d think they’d be. You really wanna smoke out Al Quaeda? Play this dreck at the entrances to their caves. That should do it.
Fine! We won’t terrorize anymore! JUST MAKE IT STOOOOOP!
Next up is the Marine Corp Mountain Warfare Training Center. That’s a really fancy way of saying “The Place that Teaches You How Not to Fall Off Donkeys.”
Right behind them is the “Marine Corps Pooper Scooper Brigade”.
They knew we were getting bored, so they sent Jack out as a Nazi. This is one disturbing ass parade.
The Jack in the Box float has a samba theme this year. It’s downright offensive.
The Rose Parade’s version of blackface.
What the frick?
Get your head out of your puppet’s butt. This is a family show.
The Rainbird Corporation won the beggest award three years in a row! They’re all about saving water. That reminds me. I left the sprinklers on. For a week. The float is called Mountain Majesty. It’s basically a giant watertank on wheels using fifteen hundred gallons of water to create waterfalls. Uh…I thought this was about conserving water! Hypocrites!! Maybe Al Gore will fly over in one of his jumbo jets to remind us to buy little plugin toy cars. Assholes.
The float also has gorillas made with Buffalo Grass. It’s badass. And it’s being glued on and the gorillas are being painted, which kinda kills the whole organic rules thing, doesn’t it?
I am sorry but we are taking back your award and giving it to Nazi Jack in the Box.
The float is real perty. I don’t see any waterfalls though. Just Jack Hannah screaming obscenities on the front.
Suck my d*&*k!
Naber is back on now, talking about the people who camp out overnight to get good seats. Uh, Naber? I think those are homeless people. They camp out every night.
Using trash cans to make fire for roasting cans of beans? Genius!
And now for the Macy’s Queen Float! Boooooring. They should have recreated that commercial where all the stars come eat at Martha Stewart’s house. The guy from the pic above coulda played Queen Latifah.
Hanna Storm tells us thousands of local girls auditioned to be on this float, and Elliott Not a Gay Porn Star says yeah, it’s every girl’s dream! Brats.
So no homely girls auditioned? Or is this just about exploiting LOOKS? I’M OFFENDED! And thankful. Funny how that works.
Fatten up or freeze to death. Those are your options. GO!
That microwave is one awesome mother.
I have this on mute, but wtf?
Facebook is totally about to go down on this dude in a meeting. Well, I never!
Way too hot to be single. Welcome to The Bachelor: Must Be Damaged. Coming this week!
You’re alone cuz YOU’RE INSANE.
A bulldozer? Interesting choice. I hope the blind kids start tripping and this rear ends the Macy’s Queen float.
Phoenix Satellite TV is up next with some weird Japanese food float. I’m hungry.
Yikes. Exfoliation is the key!
I don’t know what this has to do with satellite TV or Phoenix, but well done.
I haven’t watched a parade in ages, and I guess that it always escaped me as a kid that the floats are all put together as rolling advertisements for businesses. Duh. Who else would have the money? I get it, but it would be cool if real people had floats. Like my neighbor. He could just ride around on his bike holding roses and asking people for weed. It wouldn’t be as garish, but realism goes a long way. God I hate that kid.
I know I’ve already mentioned penii and gay porn about a million times so far, so I will restrain myself. But look at the top of this float! It’s like a preview for the DVD release of The L Word.
Batteries not included.
Bayer, the aspirin people, have come up with a turkey float, and I worry about a shooting.
If I was on security detail for this event, I’d keep an eye on the lady in the Sarah Palin hat.
This lady’s doing Cocktail tricks with a fiber drink. Poor Tom Cruise.
Mom, can I go stay at Petey’s house? Mom? Mom?
All they came with are buckets and bells.
The next float celebrates the end of segregation in the military. The end of segregation was a good thing (obviously), but I don’t know if Pasadena’s the right place to celebrate it. I’ve been to Pasadena many times and the most black people I’ve ever seen are on this float right now.
Elliott tells a touching story about how segregation in the military ended. Basically, they ran out of white pilots so they decided segregation was inconvenient. That’s a terrible, terrible story. It’s called revising history, people, look into it! Segregation in the military ended because all the old white racists realized they were ignorant and wrong and it was about time they made a change for the betterment of the world. See? Was that so hard?
And now for Honda, who is celebrating their green cars with a float that releases a year’s worth of car pollution into the clear sky. I approve, if only because it’s hitting the hippy Trader Joe’s float behind it.
This float won lots of awards this year, including Outstanding Achievement with Bodily Organic Materials. This entire dolphin is made out of dried boogars! WOWEE!
The next band is from Guatemala! We are shown a map so we can see just how far away Guatemala is from Pasadena. I hope they stored those rafts safely, cuz Pasadena is one rough and tumble town.
Please donate your social security numbers ASAP.
I’m yus keeeedeeeen!
A doable Sean Hannity.
Hannah Storm takes us on a tour of a rose garden and talks about all the volunteers it takes to pull this parade off. I try to listen to her, but all I hear is
Flipit, go on a diet you fat slut…
over and over again. So, Sally Bixby, how do you pick volunteers?
I can fit this entire bucket in my mouth.
Wait! Before commercials, we get a shot of the stadium, which is waiting to be filled with fans. All I hear is blaaahblaaaahblaaaaaah.
Who has more ProTools work done on their voice: Miley Cyrus or Taylor Swift? Discuss.
I think I love you. So what am I so afraid of?
How bad do you want to be a volunteer for the Rose Bowl Parade?
Man, husbands can’t do anything right!
Bounty saved my marriage! Now I just need to get him to stop cheating on me.
And we’re back with a Trader Joe’s float covered in Honda pollution.
If you ask for plastic bags for your groceries, this fish will give you dirty looks.
Now for the cutest segment of the show. It’s all about little bulldogs! AWWWW! Never has getting snot blown all over you been more adorable. This is also the second time this morning women have acted inappropriately with dogs, which worries me for our country.
Not ok, ho!
Puppies slide down slides on snowboards on the longest float EVAH! They had trouble learning at first, but then Hannah Storm showed up at the top, started sticking her fingers in their mouths, and they hopped on the boards and slid to safety. Well done, Storm!
HELP! That lady’s a perv!
OK I was kinda joking about Hannah Storm being a perv, but now she has the dog’s head in her boobs. Good lord, woman.
This float is winning a Guinness Book of World Records award. They didn’t have one to fit, so they made up a brand new one. It’s called the Longest Single Chastity Parade Float?? Chastity? Did I hear that right? And why are they letting slutty Hannah Storm announce it? She should be on MeghansList.
Don’t bother curbing this thing. Trader Joe’s protested plastic bags at the event. Let it poop on the street. It’s called ORGANIC.
Hannah laughs to Elliott about how the media was obsessing over that float. Well their options were “Float With Cute Dogs” or “Terrorist Blows off Own Wiener on Plane”. What would you run?
Who Let the Dogs Out? starts blaring and Hanna woofs sluttily. Then we see the float!! LOLOLOLLLL. I am going to make a clip of this for myself and just laugh and laugh whenever I feel like running someone over.
F this thing! I quit!
I’m not your dancing monkey!
Watch the scaffolding you drunks! The unofficial mayor is up there!
I. Am so. SURE.
They all just want moisturizer tips.
Paula Abdul already found a new commercial series! Congrats!
Put down the scissors, monkey. Zebras are off limits!
Next up is the LA School District High School Marching Band. All the girls are pregnant and the guys just bang their trombones on the ground like heathens.
But it’s nice to see y’all in uniforms!
Drop the thumb, addict!
The only thing this is missing is a FORECLOSED sign.
Unofficial Mayor Naber shows us a table full of donuts. Thanks for that. No, really, you’re doing a great job.
As this float passes, Elliott tells us that we should stay tuned cuz “balls will be flying.” I’m not holding my breath.
My goal body.
Let me be clear.
Wait. What was he saying?
No idea, Elliott. Bring up one of those puppies for mama.
I keep waiting for one of these girls to knock another in the teeth, but it never happens. That Drew Barrymore movie spoiled me.
Wow. So this recap is getting really long and isn’t about anything. Besides, after the dog float how can they keep us paying attention? Let’s speed through and see.
Ando got a float!
Long live Bugles!
New Disease: Rodent Pink Eye. RUN
How come all the Asian floats got stuck at the end? Racism.
More semi pretty girls with rich parents. And looming above them, the STDs that will plague their twenties.
I’m with ya, kid.
On my honor, I will do my best:
To do my duty to God and my country and to obey the Scout Law
To help other people at all times
To keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight
Mommy, the Unofficial Mayor came into our tent breathing out of his mouth and wearing his underwear. WAAAHHHHH
Happy New Year and God Bless America, m’kay?
Hannah Storm, this was amazing. Thanks for wearing like five purple dresses in two hours. Really. Stunning work.
No, no. Thank you, doable Sean Hannity. You were a pleasure to fake smile at. Now get one of those puppies wrapped up to go for me, would ya tiger?
Happy New YEAR!!!! LOVE