Paradise Hotel: Dance For Me Like a Gigolo

My friend, Carrie, left me a voicemail today asking for her forty minutes of life back. She watched Paradise Hotel because I told her I was recapping it and she was horrified. She said there was nothing redeeming about it. In her opinion, it was like air, not even like Cheesy Puffs, which is at least artificially flavored air. Just air. Well, this baffled me. I find idiocy, sluttiness and drunken scheming to be full of redeeming value and even somewhat rewarding. So luckily, I’m the one recapping, because we got the hot ticket for all three of those redeeming qualities right here. It’s a beautiful day in Paradise. Could someone slather me in baby oil?So we pick up where we left off with Manstealing Chelsea and Whiskers Orbi trotting off for some bedroom antics. Chelsea continues to play the innocent card saying that she and James didn’t hook up other than their little peck. She’s wasting her time. Our man doesn’t care if she had a threesome with James and Mike and then went a spanked Tania’s juicy booty all night, as long as she’s hooking up with him. He pushes her right down on the bed and this guy means business! Seriously, this is the first sign of life I’ve seen out of this guy. And here I thought only the presence of Cisco Adler would make him open his eyes all the way.

Today we also make the shocking discovery there is no money for editing subtitles in the Fox Reality Channel budget.

Paradise is a small community and their absence puts Lauren and Charté hot on their trail. Lauren finds an open door (window??) to eavesdrop. Orbi tells Chelsea that the reason he and Lauren are roommates is because they are both from Jersey. And this, my fine readers, will be the first of many references to an ineffable “Jersey Connection”. A bond so tight it makes two strangers like “brethren”. And Lauren flips over this. I mean, this bitch is stoked. I think this is the first person in the history of PH to not get all salty and up in arms over an unsanctioned roommate hook-up. She doesn’t care what ass he’s tappin’ as long as he is reppin’ the NJ. I do not understand this whatsoever, but I am also not from Jersey.

More thrilling than a freshly manicured lawn.

So our two little spies go back and report to the group what’s transpiring and James is visibly upset. Though it’s really just adorable when he puts on the tough face and says “Yeah, whatever” like he don’t give a what-what.

Behind closed half-doors, however, it’s not smooth sailing for Orbi or Chelsea. Maybe Chelsea’s buzz is wearing off, but she is suddenly second guessing this hook-up, in a really tiresome way. But big ups to Orbi for being relentless. I never knew he had this much energy. The whole thing becomes uncomfortable the more he pressures her, but it’s hard to get a sense of how much she’s stringing him along. She seems completely uncomfortable but yet WON’T LEAVE. What is she doing there if she don’t want some surfer-douche ass? And by the way, I am getting downright mortified learning about the intricacies of Ryan Orbi’s member. Seriously, is this shit legal? We all know that this is going on, but when they freaking CLOSE-CAPTION it, they are taking it to another level. My eyes are burning.

The Ridge is the hottest new STD, didn’t you know?

Not if we’re talking about rock. I prefer my rock soft.

Finally, after she’s had enough forced ridge-feeling, Chelsea retreats to her room, taking Orbi’s manhood with her.

Please give it back. I promise I won’t make you feel the ridge anymore.

Back in her own bed, “Yeah Whatever” James is now letting her have it, which we all saw coming. Your charade didn’t fool us. You would think that she cheated on her boyfriend of two years. At least two days. These guys have been “roommates” for one night! Slow your roll, dude. And easy on the profanity. You’re in the company of a lady. So now that James has his ego bruised, he is just loving wearing the power pants.

And it turns out James’s suspicions of being similar to Ryan were right! Hair color totally makes people indistinguishable! As I type this, no joke, I am staring across the cafe at a very lovely brunette with bangs also typing on a Mac computer. I have a strong urge to cut her.

James, flirtinis make things real confusing.

Next day, James is making it clear he is gunning for Chelsea. Too bad they don’t have the Jersey Connection. Then he would have been so down with her spreading her junk all over town. Chelsea is of course blaming her actions on the amount of alcohol she drank. She says that she was trying to loosen up to be sweet to James and that he had similar expectations. But, it’s totally understandable that after a few body shots on the bar, everybody starts to look alike! I hear the tiniest violin playing just for you, girl.

This is the story that Chelsea tells the girls at breaky the next day, even busting the “They look alike! Tee-hee” strategy. The girls ain’t buying. Charté dismisses her with a “Yeah, that’s great” and I’m so serious about not messing with a girl like that. Keep your eye out for Charté. I am predicting that picking under-the-radar Nate was the first shrewd move of many to come. I heart this girl big time.

In Jersey this means, “I bet you’re bulemic, too, slut.”

At the guys’ table, Scorpio Mike wants to know who everyone thinks Professional Partier Tania will pick for her dates. Everyone knows that she’s gonna pick you, so stop preening your feathers, broody. Pro Tania then goes over to the boys and says her picks are Scorpio Mike and…ORBI. WTF? How is this guy becoming a casanova? Are girls really not interested in guys with a healthy command of the English language? Are people just inexplicably drawn to the smell of Jersey? Color me perplexed.

The guys give big ups to Whiskers for last night with Chel AND scoring a date with Pro Tania, and then we get to see in action the difference between men and women. Guys can totally get away with it. Girls can’t. Sayonara Chelsea. Everybody hates a slut. Tania brings back her news to the girls table and Virgie Krista looks a little upset she picked her roommate, but Lauren looks bored. Jersey Connection, bitches!

And now our first date of the season: Tania and Orbi! And all talk is relegated to these topics: 1) It sure is purty here. 2) You like to make out, too? 3) Partying rules. (Okay, this round goes to Carrie.)

Back at the ranch, the natives are getting restless with the impending elimination. Charté has already figured out everyone’s next moves, complete with flow charts and playing cards of each cast member she printed out from the intro screengrabs in my recap last week. Love. Her. And I’m not just saying this because he is dearly departed, but I kind of love Nate, too. We never get to see Nate and in the exchange with Charté and Krista he throws in a little joke about only being there to get laid and I love that he makes fun of the asswipes he’s surrounded by. He and Charté are my official faves from this bunch, although it’s not hard since everyone else across the board sucks hard. But back to the conversation at hand, Charté’s predictions are blowing No-Neck Virgin Krista’s mind. Krista is freaked out. Everyone knows that Tania will choose Mike because choosing Ryan Orbi would mean she’s going up against the Jersey Connection. Going up against Krista means she’s going to win. She knows that her closed legs policy is not going over well with our male residents, so in her mind she needs to come up with a “new strategy”.

Pretending to be Tina Fey, not going to work with this crowd.

So now we’re onto our next date with Scorpio Mike and Pro Tania and they are headed for a couple’s massage. “If you don’t mind, let’s try one of those kisses again.” He purrs. (For your sake, I will spare you a visual.) Tania says they have a chemistry that is “very attractive”. Mike does a little growl. Oh, man. I feel like taking a shower with my clothes on watching these two.

After their date, they get grilled about how it went, and Chelsea sits passively in the mix, obviously not a happy camper these days. Personally, I feel like this is a premature comeuppance for our smug man stealer. I was hoping to see her lord her hot girl status over these ladies a bit longer before her confidence got checked. You’re just no fun any more, Chel.

Virgie Krista pulls Pro Tania away to have a heart-to-heart because basically Neckie knows she’s out of her roomie sitch with Mike now that Pro and Scorpio are into each other. Tania very lamely gives her a line about Raheim and Tidisha having no connection, so she’ll be fine. Wow, what a consolation. Drinking all the time makes you smart.

Then we get a fun little vignette with a water-filled condom inside a magnum. This is to demonstrate how much more motion in your ocean you get when your man needs a mag. Our lady-like Tania put it together. One of the guys even throws out a “Classy” to her, and at that point we hear a loud thud indicating that Tania has hit rock bottom.

Dollface, I take it back. You are now eligible for “Rock of Love”.

And then we get the much touted fight scene between Raheim-Conrad and James, which escalates over…nothing. Seriously, it starts because James suggests he gets in the pool and Raheim Conrad is having none of that. None of your pool suggestions, James! He’s been in the pool for SEVEN hours. You hear that? SEVEN! This is literally what starts the altercation. But then it does take a turn for the ugly when it turns racial and this guy totally sounds like Conrad from Weeds when he gets going.

Hold up. A gigolo will dance around my pool? I’m totally hiring one.

James tries to back off and says he’s sorry, but Raheim has lost his damn mind at this point and no one can stop him. We go to a commercial break, so it’s not clear if it ever came to blows, but Raheim-Conrad is back in his room and Tidisha is trying to talk sense into him. So BFFs Raheim and James find each other and kiss and make up. Truth be told part of the reason Raheim got so upset was because he just lerves James so much and he couldn’t believe he would step to him! Awwww. I love man-on-man love.

So, bedtime for bozos and it looks like the single room is no longer single! Scorpio Mike spends the night in Tania’s room and we are no longer treated to “I want sex” night vision clips of her. These two are getting freaky and I really, really hate all the little noises Mike makes. Growling, purring, moaning. You are grody, Scorps.

Next morning, both tables call last night “intense” and their not talking about Mike’s scorpio lovemaking. Nate, ever the quiet obsever, points out that Raheim really scared all the girls. When Raheim goes, “Who was scared?” and Nate goes “all of them, including me”. Oh, Nate, I kind of love you for that. Nate tells him that everyone should just have fun while their there. Raheim says that he doesn’t want to have a “Beware of Dog” sign around his neck. (Or be the stereotypical young black male often portrayed on reality shows as hostile and aggressive.) He suggests that maybe Nate’s a better person than him. He also admits he is “thrown aback” by Nate, because Nate doesn’t say much, but when he does he’s like “a truth serum”. And then we have James saying that Nate’s got a little fire in him and that he’s good person to stay close to. Now I don’t know if they edited Nate extra kindly post-mortem, but he really seems like a stand-up guy. And easy on the eyes, too. I mean, look at this side-by-side of Nate and our resident hot ticket, Orbi.

Tough call, ladies.

So now we’re getting down to the wire and James and Raheim Conrad obnoxiously strategize about switching roommates. They joke about sending Tidisha home and how bad ass they are for sending their roommates down the river. They look like big dorks to me, but this appears to be the male friendship equivalent of make-up sex.

A sexy little messenger comes in with a note announcing the roommate selection ceremony that night. (For reals, how can I get this job?) And the girls are starting to get nervous and poor neckless Krista doesn’t know what to think because people are starting to pretend they like people, but then behind their backs they don’t. Who knows what to think, because everybody lies. Wow, Krista, it’s just like real life. Thanks for joining us.

Chelsea knows she’s not safe with James and her insecurity has made her totes boring this episode. She doesn’t know who to pick. And Tidisha asks her who else she you has besides Orbi? Oh, girl. When you have no one else but a half-witted douchebag from Jersey, you know you are screwed.

And now it’s roommate selection time and Amanda busted out her Junior Prom dress for the occasion. Still fits like a glove, girlfriend!

Green makes my accent more Irish.

And as always, nothing is predictable at the Paradise Hotel because…Tania is no longer safe from elimination! So her free pass was snatched out her grubby mitts, simply because she spent the night with Scorpio Mike. What a waste. I spend the night with my friend Christy all the time and it’s not like that qualifies her as my “roommate”. I call BS, but that’s how we roll at the PH. Live with it. She doesn’t look too shaken up, because she pretty much knows she’s in with Mike. She picks him and Mike looks pleased. “You musta done something right.” Amanda says. Tania loves a man who growls in bed. Or the Italian connection, Amanda suggests. Yeah, she’s my Guid-ette, Mike jokes. Mike then gets up and leaves Paradise for a thriving career as a stand-up comic. Krista looks upset, but not surprised. Charté chooses Nate again and calls him a gentlemen. Tidisha picks Raheim-Conrad after all his trash talk and “Good job”, he tells her. So what was all that tough talk earlier, pussy? Lauren is up and she says Orbi lived up to roommate expectations one hundred percent-o. Huh? I can only surmise she expected someone from Jersey in that case. And she picks Whiskers again. The Jersey Connection, she proclaims!

Virgie Krista is losing more and more neck as time goes on, and she gets more virginal while everyone else gets sluttier. She tells Amanda she understands why Mike picked Tania–she’s hot! Oh, loser talk Krista. I don’t like loser talk. Krista picks James. He’s the only guy left, but it’s also the smartest move, since he’s no longer aligned with Chelsea. “I had thought things out through my head,” she tells Amanda of choosing James. This is a relief because thinking thoughts through your ass hurts a bit. She tells Amanda that being a virgin is absolutely going to make things more difficult for her. But maybe she’ll give us an answer to the ever-looming question: how far will one go to stay in Paradise??

Yeah, like, how far will you stick your neck out?

So now it’s down to Chelsea and she knows she’s screwed with James, so her only hope is to possibly split up the Jersey Connection. And she beelines it to our blonde douche. How this dingbat gets to call the shots I will never understand. She kisses his ass by saying, “I really liked the conversations we had. He’s teaching me a lot of things.” And she says he’s sexy. Whenever I find someone sexy, I act like I’m repulsed by their ridge, too.

As a storm brews menacingly in the background, Ryan Orbi opens up his heart and tries to explain what the Jersey Connection is all about, but this truly transcends words, people. He manages to get out: It’s “cool” to meet people from Jersey, because there’s something you really can’t explain. There’s always a connection. He throws Chelsea a bone by saying that “really digs that you’re interested in the way I think about things”. I mean, who isn’t? I am constantly trying to understand the thought process of this individual. 

But, alas, he chooses Lauren and let this be a lesson to you all: You can never break the Jersey Connection. NEVER!!!!

Jersey, bitches.

Chelsea’s disbelief is priceless.

But. I’m so pretty.

She has to check out of Paradise Forever, and apparently when you leave, you leave hugless. Everybody sits and watches her go. It’s a walk of damn shame. We may see her again though. As we learned from the original PH, they loves to recycle former guests.

Next week it’s time for a new guy! And Pro Tania is stoked! I’m really excited to see our little bitchy boys whine about being in the hot seat, but I am disappointed that there’s no real-time voting of the next guest to go to the hotel. What happened to that? I was totally going to try and get on there. God, I would be such a delightful buzzkill for those kids. I don’t drink or touch ridges. I’d be a blast.

So this week’s Marry, Boff, Kill with Winner: Lauren. Loser: Chelsea. Most Annoying: Douche Orbi.
Kill Orbi, Boff Chelsea, Marry Lauren. She’d at least mow the lawn.

So, what do you think? Will you miss Chelsea? Is there anyone out there that finds Whiskers remotely attractive?

Okay, see y’all next time. Lady Sensation out.