Paradise Hotel: “Deep” is Not Just One End of the Pool

Grease up your booties, people, and slide on in to Paradise! The only way this show could get better is if they brought back the two-episodes-a-week policy we had with the original. This recap is rated “MA” for Moronic Awesomeness. If you feel like your intellect is being compromised, don’t say I didn’t warn ya.It’s a dark and stormy night in Paradise. And our guests are reeling from a “completely and utterly intense” elimination. The quote is from Scorpio Mike and I can’t wait to see his qualifiers once people actually know each other for more than five days. Like “unequivocally, inexorably, mind-crushingly, toe-curlingly, hair-raisingly, god-forsakingly” intense. I mean really, Mike, we’re just getting started and I know you’re a scorpio and all, but man up. It’s the first week.

Ryan Orbi practices for his completely and utterly intense album cover.

After all, Tania didn’t think it was intense at all. In her corner, she’s blathering on about how she would have roomed with anyone. No kidding, hobag. Also, a note on the spelling of Tania’s name. About three-quarters of the way through the last recap, I noticed that Tania’s name is spelled with a “y”, not an “i”. I made the executive decision that I had better uses of my time than to go back through and correct them all. I also made the executive decision that I could not ever be bothered to spell her name the correct way. I’m also in the midst of executive deciding whether or not to drop the whole “Tania” thing altogether and just call her hobag.

Anyway, despite being a totally indiscriminate roommate, she knew who was safe with who and this brings up an interesting point. Despite the fact that everyone thinks their “playing the game”, all of the individuals seem to really get along. Our biggest debacle was the “seven hours of pool time” showdown, and James and Raheim tongued each other afterwards and got tacky photo shirts of themselves made at a local street fair in St. Croix, or wherever the hell they are. So far there’s really no clear villain nor any hostile, warring factions, a la The Barbies versus whatever the name of the posse helmed by Toni and Zach was. But there sure is a lot of anticipation of it.

So now we check in on the pillow talk for the evening and it’s a Chelsea hatefest. James told Krista that there was no way he was sticking with her. Krista tries to tell James that sex gets in the way of things, and I encourage her to take this platform to the masses. People will love that idea.

Those shorts are one way to keep from complicating things.

Orbi and Lauren are doing a Jersey send up of Chelsea’s lameness. People from Jersey don’t just want to “kiss” and “cuddle”. That’s sooo flyover land. Ryan’s dismissal of Chelsea’s teasing is cracking Lauren’t ass up. Poor, pretty Chel. Gone too soon, I still say.

Jersey mocks you.

At the girls’ breakfast the next day, Tania insists she didn’t go all the way with Mike and I have to say I believe her. She’s not one of those denial-is-not-just-a-river-in-Africa girls on the “Bachelorette” or even “Rock of Love”, when they get all morning-after shameful. This girl would certainly brag about another mounted head. In fact, she tells the group that she’d also hook up with James (“slip and slide off his chest”. Gross, girl.) and she’d also tap Orbi. So, really I don’t think she’d play coy. In fact, I am sure we’ll get lots of disgusting details when they do it.

So Mike has a “dick” about Tania. Maybe in Mike’s smart head, “dick” is another way of “saying bone to pick”. Or maybe I just don’t know about this expression. I’m going to start using it and see how it goes. Hey, Ex. Here’s my dick about you. Wow, “completely and utterly” confusing. Mike is a scorpio, so no doubt his dick/identity has a fragile ego. He tells the boys that he knows that Tania is not “singling him out”. He knows that he doesn’t have a “nametag” and that he’s not hers. Scorpios are possessive and hypersensitive? I gotta get me one. Also, Mike sure knows how to pick ‘em.

James concurs with Mike. James knows SoCal girls and SoCal girls are partiers. We are “crazy”, we’ll “do anything”. So true. We can all barely keep our clothes on. And I know I can’t let a day go by without some strange guy doing a body shot out of my rock hard abs. Hanging out with me is like hanging out with your own live Girls Gone Wild dvd.

Nate is the guest who spends most of his time alone, which disturbs everyone else, because introspection is as foreign to these people as the word itself. Now I get that when you sign on for PH you are probably a partying idiot, but to not be a partying idiot really blows people a way. They call him secretive and declare that no one knows his motives. Nate says he just wants to go off and think, while they play off each other’s egos. Which is a nice way of saying “I think, while they are busy not thinking.”

The only way to drink in paradise without participating in a pointless toast or being forced to do a body shot off Tania’s body.

During lunch that day, Amanda waltzes in, looking like as lovely as a fresh daisy, and she’s there to…introduce the new arrival! And here we get Johnny from New York, who at first glance is dead-ringer for my possibly favorite guest ever, Zach, but unfortunately, I won’t be able to call him Zach 2.0. Where Zach was all AZ “badassery” and pointless hostility, Johnny is a simple New York Italian with enough good cheer to fill a thousand cannolis. Tania so wants to be his Guid-ette. And maybe Mike is technically Italian, but he looks downright Native American next to this real deal.

Amanda announces that Mike will have the pleasure of going on speed dates with the women and sends him off to the single room to primp. So as soon as he’s out of earshot, the smack talking begins. Raheim is convinced he’s going to be über cocky, but the girls all think he fine. Orbi, proving his knack for nuance yet again, says it’s gonna go one of two ways: “He’s either going to be really cool or a total douche.” James calls Johnny “Meathead New Yorker.” James, being an urbane sophisticate, is allowed to make these sort of calls.

The Anti-Meathead.

Back in the single room Johnny reads a note left to him by Chelsea. That’s right. Chelsea is not going down without a fight. She warns him that these guys talk a huge game. Huge ridges, the works. She says that James and Orbi tried to have sex with her and when she refused they stabbed her in the back. So, basically the whole point of her letter was to tell Johnny he better put out. She also informs him that “the hottest girl isn’t here anymore”. I agree with her, but it seemed a bit excessive to leave her headshot attached.

And now! Speed dating! But, alas, it’s pretty lame. Johnny and Tania talk about tattoos and being Italian. A romance is born. Krista brings the comedy when she says she’s the life of the party. Irony not present. My girl Charté brings the heat by telling him that he better straight up be nervous. Why? Because she’s intense and she’s a model. (A model that hasn’t been to New York, but as someone from Atlanta, I am sure she banks there and is in every campaign. Seriously, I bet she runs that town. I haven’t been there in a while, but I bet when I go back, I will see parades and confetti being thrown off the rooftops in Charté’s honor. I love this girl.) Lauren goes into her speed date laughing and I think it’s a tri-state area thing.

Jersey mocks you, too.

They talk age and football. She doesn’t think they’ll get along, though, because of their teams. But she won’t tell him who hers is. Jersey never tells. Tidisha is last and they talk about rooming with Raheim which seems like an ass-boring thing to talk about. But, now that I think about it, so do tattoos and everything else listed above.

Now everyone bonds together and toasts and then Johnny announces that he picks Tania for his date. Scorpio mike is so pissed. He definitely should have asked for a name tag. Tania looks stoked, but hobags always look stoked when dick fresco comes along.

Brood, bitch, BROOD!! (Never gets old.)

So everybody is still just hanging around talking and Johnny tells the girls about Chelsea’s letter and they’re all concerned what was said about them. Way to work them up over nothing. He failed to mention that it was basically a caveat that no one wants a cuddler in Paradise.

Time for the Guido/Guidette date. Right from the start he says he picked the best person…”ever”. Well, don’t kiss her ass too much. And to prove she’s the best person ever, she follows that statement with a list of who else she’d make out with. And it’s everybody but Raheim and Nate. The best people ever make out with everybody. For some reason, she also calls Virgin Krista, “Biscuit” and I don’t get it and yet…it works.

Buttery.

Johnny astutely observes that he’s walking in on a well-built house of cards. Which is odd to me, because I thought every metaphor involving a house of cards intimated something wasn’t well built at all. But, I get it, Johnny. The best built card houses rest on the foundation of random hookups.

Back at the HOtel, the girls discuss what’s going to happen to their well-built HOC now that J-dogg has arrived. (For the record, Charté immediately does not like him.) Like, Mike is toally peeing in his pants right now. Oh, girls. Haven’t you learned anything about Paradise HOtel? Mike is most likely going to be fine. Pardise hotel is FULL of surprises. Biscuit said she’d save James, because James saved her, but that story doesn’t check out because NO ONE ELSE but her picked James last week. Besides, James and Mike are across the talking about his next move to “TD”. “TD” is later confirmed to be Tidisha, but since when did we start calling her this, I demand to know. And “TD” is so gross sounding, too. It’s two-thirds of STD and one-third and a rhyme of VD. Not a good one, boys. I’m going to use it from here on out. James does say that wouldn’t throw Krista under the bus, though. He’d toss her back to Mike. Dude, what happened to BFF Raheim? And those t-shirts you made????

And now we get the most magical date between Johnny and Tania. We enter in on the convo as they discuss the “deeper meaning” of her tattoos. Such as “Dia de los muertos”. Yeah, having a tribute to the Mexican holiday “Day of the Dead” painted on you is definitely a heady tattoo, same with “My heart is bound and on fire”. Bound to…your loins? (Oh, I’m good, people. I’ll be here all week.) She also has one about wearing “her heart on her shoulders”. WTF is up with this crowd and mangled clichés and metaphors? (Ha. I originally typed metaphos. That’s exactly what they use.) Tania then gives us a heart-on-her-shoulder confessional and she is just loving Johnny. He’s a poet, a writer, AND has an “in-depth” personality. A description I thought was reserved only for interviews and discussions. Simple me.

It’s like a long, unbroken chain of bad judgment.

She then delivers the quote that I’ve been looking forward to getting since we started this season. “You can’t trust anyone as much as you trust yourself.” She even points to herself to make it clear who “yourself” is. And then my heart bursts with love for these people.

After the date, Raheim-Conrad, while he has his share of annoying qualities, gets a big thumbs up from me when he derides Johnny for being the biggest, lamest storyteller and will not shut up. This guy is like a nattering ol’ peepaw at twenty-six. He’s talking about Tania’s martini glass tattoo (a meaning too deep to share on national television) and making chalk outlines of each other’s bodies. Um, he sounds like one of the kids I nanny. And they’re, like, five and seven.

He does have something good to announce, though. This evening’s theme party! It’s “Adam and Eve”. Didn’t they already have this theme before or am I just being reminded of the Paradise HOtel rip-off show that came about shortly after called “Forever Eden”? God, I watched that one, too. Does anyone else remember that? The one where contestants “stayed forever”. Even though the show ran for all of three weeks, they showed them burning their passports when they arrived, so they have to still be there. Can we get a crew down there?

So, everyone forgets how much they are annoyed by him at the mention of a party. Our gang gets decked out in underwear and fig leaves and proceed to get freaknasty. The girls finally grill Tania about her date, and we get to hear her talk about how she has more in common with this man-child than anyone else. Also, this one is new: She likes big guys. And we’re not talking about size like that. She just likes ‘em brawny. Mike isn’t big enough, she says. Just cause he’s “four inches taller” doesn’t mean she still doesn’t think she’s not going to break him when she’s “riding him”. Easy hobag. He’s not a mechanical bull.

This just in: Biscuit is, in fact, Life of Party. Orbi pukes in glass, continues partying.

And now we learn that James likes him the sisters, because now he’s talking about how gorgeous Charté is. (Agreed.) And now Orbi is also calling Charté the sexiest girl he’s ever seen. Had no one met her before tonight? I knew she was a fox from screengrab one. (Observant readers will remember she was the only intro picture out of the whole cast that had an attractive screengrab. I literally could not find a pause that made her look bad/dumb. Not that I would have anyway.) Orbi says he just gets nervous around her. Charté calls strategy because she doesn’t believe she makes him shy, since he hits on all the girls. And I call not strategy, because this guy is an idiot.

Now we are treated to Ryan Orbi doing a body shot off Tania and then engaging in a heated make out with her. I won’t subject thine poor eyes to a visual, mainly because you would promptly have to shower and I selfishly want you to just keep reading this. Afterwards Scorpio Mike attempts to be one of the cool kids by initiating a toast to “sharing is caring”. God, these people are all carriers.

And now in continuing with our WTF Hookups Section, Raheim suddenly wants a taste of Jersey. Yes, he’s beyond into Lauren. He likes that she’s straight up and easy to talk to. He can’t even stay another day in Paradise because it’s too much to be close to her. Even I think he’s coming on a little strong and my ass speaks in hyperbole. So now the girls take a break, exhausted from dancing doggy style for hours at a time, to take a moment to hate on Johnny. What? I don’t see what they’re talking about. I love when a meathead Italian comes at me thrusting his pelvis in his Joe Boxers and a fig leaf. Trés hot.

I hear he’s available, ladies.

He’s rubbing Biscuit the wrong way, “TD” and Charté thinks he’s too much, and Lauren says that she would like to “choke Johnny Bravo”. Ha! Jersey would totally whack Johnny Bravo! I am starting to like Lauren. And, by the way, WTF is up with the Paradise Hotel guests coming up with all these new nicknames. Don’t they know that I make the nicknames around here?? Either way, I like Johnny Bravo. I’ll keep using Biscuit and “TD” because they amuse me, even if they are not that impressive.

So now we’re back to discussing Chelsea’s mysterious letter written after she faded to black and white, and Johnny Bravo is sick of everyone speculating. (He does not in fact utilize the word “speculating”.) He tells them that he does not want anyone–ANYONE!–to “challenge his devotion.” I mean, who doesn’t feel incredible devotion to a group of drunk idiots in fig leaves. That shit’s 4 LIFE!!! In fact he offers to let everyone read the damn letter to put their minds at peace that he’s not hiding anything. And why not? There really was nothing of interest in that letter. I, along with Jersey, laugh at Chelsea’s attempt to leave a trail of drama in her wake. And then he makes a toast. These individuals could seriously toast to anything. I fit a regular condom into a magnum! Raise your glasses, bitches!

So after we get a little bit drunker, James tells Raheim to stop being an asshole to Johnny Bravo and Raheim has no idea what he’s talking about. He’s just keeping it real. Raheim even says could have fun with a bunch of midgets. In fact he would like to dance like a gigolo with them around a pool. Tania is defending him though, and also beginning to slur her words. She calls him deep yet again and I think I’ve never heard the word so misused in one stretch. Maybe they think it means “severely drunk”.

Raheim’s idea of a good time.

We wrap that night up. (What? No night vision pillow talk??) and we begin again at the guys’ breakfast. Johnny apologizes about his hangover saying, “Sorry, the lights are on but no one is home.” Which seemed more appropriate for his intro yesterday, but better late than never. Nate gets a note and reads it to our “scholars, ladies, gentlemen, athletes”. Um, Nate needs to stop spending so much time alone, because he needs to look a bit closer at this bunch. Anyway, our gaggle of morons have a special treat today and everybody needs to be ready at one. Then Nate, still on his soapbox, tells Jonnny Bravo to apologize for being rude to the ladies. And Nate. Is. Awesome. His directness takes everyone aback. He tells him that his “biting, sniffing rears” was not in good taste. And then all the girls are now reflecting on how awful Johnny Bravo was, even soul mate Hobag. Um, why is Tania up in arms? She’s all, he needed to ASK before he smacked my ass. Hobags feel classier when people ask permission first. So, after breakfast, Johnny Bravo sits down with the ladies and apologizes. Aw, he really just wants to fit it. If only he could stop trying to so hard. Either way, everybody’s happy with the apology and now they go off to have a toast or something.

Actually, the treat today is a trip into a local bar for the guys so they can play pool, while the girls stay and get manicures and massages. And, what a pool hall it is. I’ve seen more exciting concession stands at little league games.

Paradise is in Tijuana.

Our boys continue to discuss the WTF Hookups. Mike encourages James to make a move on “TD”, and then he makes a Chewbacca-sounding mating call for the guys, so he can alert them the MOMENT he hooks up with Tania. I then stab my eardrums and watch the rest of this deaf. Anyway, the pool wager is whoever loses has to dress up like girls and once again, aren’t they are cribbing from last season? Nate and Raheim are the losers and the girls doll them up in their MAC makeup to transform them into…Natalie and Cheetah. Actually I misheard and it’s Rasheeda, for Raheim, but I like Cheetah so much better. Nate, however, does look lovely. Cheetah, not so much.

Cheetah? Oh, Lady Sensation, you are too funny!

And now it’s time for the return of…PANDORA’S BOX! Another institution resurrected from last season that I completely forgot about and this one is always fun. Everybody gets to write a question, put it in a box and gets their question asked anonymously in front of the group. Amanda does a boring intro about the myth of Pandora and half-way through Tania tells her to shut up because they already know who Pandora is. “We’re deep!!” she shouts. The group gathers for Pandora’s Box after dinner and the producers do their best to imbue the scene with ceremony and mysticism for some reason. This is a lot of pomp and circumstance for asking who wants to boff who.

So, Mike asks Johnny about Chelsea’s letter AGAIN. What a waste of a question. And of course he says doesn’t because she’s not there and he’s sooo devoted to this group of greasy asses. James said he did backstab Chelsea and acts like he’s a badass. Oh, James. Then Johnny Bravo said that NOW he would keep the rest to himself. What? What happened to last night’s open door policy? He must have gotten inspired by James’s “badass” rant. Charté rolls her eyes.

Wait. Do I see a “watch out for Charté” in there?? JB is holding out on us!

James is asked when he’s going to hook up with “TD” and he appropriately answers when he’s drunk. So any minute now. (Raheim glowers a bit in the background.) Raheim gets asked after pool fight and if he and James are still as strong? These people are totally wasting questions. Of course they are. And predictably, Raheim said he’s glad it happened, he was able to get some stuff out there, and he feels that his outburst released everybody’s tension. I think that’s taking a little too much credit, but everybody nods in agreement. Daps to that, though! J+R 4EVS!!!

Tania gets asked why she hasn’t slept with might and she basically says she will. And Johnny Bravo is out of the picture for a minute because Mike and Tania are back all over each other. Mike calls Tania a rockstar, because she’s like female version of him, of course. Mike just seems really desperate to not have their Guido-Guidette situation compromised. And, luckily for him… tonight is the night! Mike and Tania go all the way. And luckily for us, it’s over quickly. “Well, I’ve find your forté!” says Mike. And not one to roll over and fall asleep, Mike actually does get out of bed and wake up all the gents with his Chewbacca mating call. And luckily for me, I went deaf at the halfway point.

It’s like witnessing Mufasa standing proudly on the cliff.

So I am disappointed we didn’t get an elimination this week. I am hoping that there will be lots of rearranging next week. I doubt it will be a simple case of replacing Mike with Johnny. But who knows? Oh, Paradise, you fickle love.

Marry, boff, kill. Winner: Tania, Loser, Mike, Most Annoying: Johnny Bravo
Oh, god. Toughest yet. Kill Johnny Bravo, boff Tania, marry Mike. Okay, that was a mistake. You would be married to those noises forever. But….ugh, I’m stumped this week.

See y’all soon. Love y’all! xoxo, Lady Sensation