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Lady Sensation had a crazy week, gang. It’s an excuse, but no justification for abandoning you all. I do believe that above all reality television comes first, but unfortunately that’s not what my landlords say, so late it is! So, when I did have some downtime I revisited the archives and noticed that ol’ Hobag makes first photo every time. Unwittingly I’ve showcased her “assets” on each and every recap. And I thought long and hard (i.e. thirty seconds) about that and decided that, while I’ve really come around to Hobag, it’s time to give some of our other friends a little time in the limelight.So, the sun is out, the birds are chirping and asshat Johnny Bravo wants today to be “Spring Break Day” by the pool! Because Paradise Hotel is nothing like spring break. He has an awesome idea to get contests going between the girls. Let me guess. Like a wet t-shirt contest? Groundbreaking. Someone get this visionary on the theme parties.
But the guys shoot him down and not because the idea is straight from the department of the redundancy department, but because “you can’t get those girls to do anything”! It’s okay to laugh out loud at that one. That’s right, the guys apparently are hitting that Rosetta Stone everyday, but the girls “don’t do anything productive”.
In fact, according to the unfortunately coifed individual above, the only thing they care to do is “rip each others’ eyes out”. And to think, I thought these men did not have a nuanced understanding of the female. Scorp attributes this lazy-except-for-when-it-comes-to-eye-gouging predicament to one Biggie Doll. He dramatically tells us that you insert “one blonde bombshell–ONE!– and all hell breaks loose”. I would say the same thing to him for one nametag–ONE!, but he’d probably cry. And then kill me.
There is no denying however that there is some tension at the girls’ table. In fact, no one is talking. But most likely they’re all hungover.
Turns out everyone is thinking for a change. Nobody knows who Biggie is gunning for for elimination and everyone is stressed out about it. Jersey has been the most distant and “shady” (probably with all her laughter) so Biggie definitely has her in mind. And Jersey really didn’t say two words at breakfast. She tells James how it isn’t paradise anymore. It’s “hell on earth”. Hey, I’ve got a great theme party for these folks. How about Pity Party?
We get a little snippet of Scorps nauseatingly hitting on Biggie in front Hobag in the pool that day and Hobag is visibly upset.
But we really don’t have time to follow that little triangle because today is actually Hate on ChartÃ© day, and this girl is indeed becoming more hateful by the minute. ChartÃ© tells us that she doesn’t have friends here, she’s got “associates”. Who would that be? TD Esquire? RC says she’s the biggest instigator of all the drama James thinks she’s a bad apple. People are starting to want her gone. The sexy messenger comes in at lunch and announces that tonight is Pandora’s box and all the guests are a-twitter now because it’s downright loco when you ask someone something to their face in paradise.
James sees TD and ChartÃ© double-teaming Biggie and bitches about it to Biggie. James doesn’t want Biscuit to go home and says he will even have a “vendetta” if she goes because of them. At least no one is taking this whole “reality television” thing seriously. James wants to take out ChartÃ© and for as annoying as James is, I agree. I was all for the ATL, but I am not for bullies. I had an bad experience in the fourth grade with some catty girl bullies myself and it’s the one time in my life I was treated for migraines. I’m not kidding. I’m a sensitive creature. That’s why I treat all these contestants with kid gloves. I know they have feelings, too.
“Watch your back, yo.” He says to Biggie. ChartÃ© and TD hear him they that and are pissed. And not because he sounds like a wigger. TD pulls him aside and she says that she heard him talking to Biggie and wants him to know that she and ChartÃ© didn’t say anything about eliminations or Biscuit to Biggie. James totally lies and says he was explaining Pandora’s Box. But TD counters that ChartÃ© told her she heard Biscuit’s name in that conversation! Don’t blame ChartÃ© for the fly’s work!
And now it’s a tedious he-said, she-said match. Who said whose name, blah blah blah. James even suggests a whole group pow wow, but luckily that doesn’t go anywhere if only because any more people shouting and my keyboard would meltdown.
Anyway, in her Alphabet Strategy she’s already working on her next roommate, which is Orbi. Yes, please. I would love to see her go up against the Jersey Connection.
Whoa. James is writing some long ass questions. Who knew so many words were going on in his mind?
Jersey says that whoever gets grilled usually goes home. She thinks she first on the chopping block so she’s nervous. There’s been one Pandora’s Box, so what is Jersey talking about?
We arrive to our gathering and ChartÃ© asks the first question. Mr. Scorpio Douchebag, are you attracted to Biggie? After some sideways glances, he says that he thinks she’s good looking. Then he turns to Hobag and says, “We’ve said it multiple times, there’s no name tags”. Jesus H, enough with the nametags already. It doesn’t even make sense. FYI, nametags have your own name on them. Oh, hobag is gonna cut you off, bitch!
Next up, Fat Elvis.
James to “J-Bone”; Which girl do you fantasize most about? And it’s his girl Jersey!! It’s all you, he says like the true ass clown he is. She looks appropriately skeeved. He says that they’ve connected and he knows that she’s cool with him saying that.
RC to Alphabutt: Why do you say that you don’t instigate anything, but you’re caught up in drama. Time for Alphabutt to be on the hot seat! She insists quite stridently that she’s not an instigator, she’s a communicator. She’s got the whole alphabet to work with. But RC is not gonna let her get off that easy, which is good news for us. He just wants to “chime in for a sec”, and by that he means he wants to rip her a new -hole. Biscuit pipes up and brings up the time they called her fake and it caused a major meltdown. But Alphabetutt has the audacity to say she the word fake never came out of her mouth. OMFG. I’m getting another migraine. Especially because no one is calling her out on this!
Anyhoo, it’s time to toast to getting through Pandora’s Box. Hobag thinks she’s going home tomorrow and says she feels it “80%” and this percentage is fueled by Biggie saying that if she had to do her dates over she would have picked Scorp. And another Scorpio ruins something magical.
And now it’s time to kiss Biggie ass because the roommate selection is tomorrow night! And biggest of them all is Jersey. Jersey baits Biggie into a conversation about liking girls and Biggie says that she likes girls more than boys. But this leads absolutely nowhere. Don’t talk about girl-on-girl if you can’t back it up.
So James doesn’t like that everyone likes Jersey. He definitely doesn’t like that RC likes her too. Wait, I thought RC liked Biggie? Well, I guess BFFs do everything together. And then we get a toast to being BFFs forever. But that celebratory toast will be short lived because James is in hot water right now, according to TD. He is not allowed to like Jersey because RC does. I don’t get how RC got the Like Jersey monopoly but Paradise is a nuanced, mysterious world.
James freaks out and insists he didn’t want to hurt him because he’s his best friend here! Ah, the clip we’ve been waiting for. The big lovers’ quarrel. Biscuit pretends to be asleep during Brokeback Beach. RC says that he can’t trust him in the long haul. And now they both threaten to send each other home. James then says that’s “almost immature”. Really?
So at the boys’ breakfast the next day, it’s not smiles times. We even have this really haunting, melancholy music playing that I secretly find quite nice. James head’s gonna explode, Jersey says. RC is always barking in his ear. Everyone agrees.
Over in Hobag and Scorp’s room, she crawls on him and they’re back in love again. We get to witness an “I’m going to hold out” inside joke that involves a splooging motion punchline from Scorp. I took one for the team and vommed on everyone’s behalf. RC says that those two are going down the path of love. Clearly. No one is worried about Biggie coming between them any more. Biggie says that she really is only interested in RC and Orbi. Okay, what gives? What am I missing? Especially now that he’s got some really unappealing mustache action going on. What will it take to get these girls off of him?
TD comes over to Biscuit and apologizes to her for their drunken argument. TD says that she thought they were closer than that and didn’t want to upset her. The apology seems genuine and I hope it means TD is moving away from Alphabutt. Let one ATL girl stay solid. Of course Bisky forgives her and says she would be sad if she went home.
And now we get some desperate acts from the four “OGs” : James, Scorp, Orbi, and RC go and beg Biggie to take JB as a roommate so they can kick out Alphabutt. It’s gonna rip the chemistry of the group if she doesn’t, they tell her. But Biggie doesn’t like the guilt trip, and apparently likes Alphabutt. Maybe she’ll teach you the alphabet someday, sweetie.
But this is paradise and we all knew that for all their scheming, it wouldn’t matter in the end anyway. At lunch time, Amanda comes in and makes an announcement for roommate selection. And here comes the announcement we all saw coming…you can’t pick your existing roommate. Hope that doesn’t inconvenience anyone too much! Hee hee, she says.
Oh no! Now hobag really feels like she’s going home. She says aloud no more finger painting and Scorp yells across the dining room, don’t you worry about a thing! I’ll find a room. “That’s if I’m still here,” she retorts. Oh, things are not looking good for our dramatic bunch of individuals. She goes off in her confessional about how she doesn’t want to room with “bravo boy” and would rather go home. Yeah, I believe that when I see it. Biscuit is freaking out too.
When Jersey steps up, Amanda brings up the rift she’s caused between the BFFs, and I think she does it just to further drive me mad that I’m not there watching the dailies with her and eating petit fours. Mandy, call me!!! Jersey picks James. Pure magnetism! says Amanda. Jersey plays modest and says she thinks he likes all the girls.
TD picks JB since he’s the only one left, but who likes her other than RC anyway? Amanda asks if it’s because she wants him or because he’s the last single guy. RC nods like crazy at that. He does not look pleased. But TD says she’s confident in her decision.
So is everyone glad that we finally mixed it up? Are James and Raheim totally gay? What do you think the twist is next week when Amanda announces no new guy is coming? Does that mean that we’re just going to start picking off our current guests now?? Noooo!