Paradise Hotel: Hello, My Name Is

Back to the elimination concerns, TD says RC told her Biggie won’t pick him, but she wants to make sure she won’t, so she takes her aside and tells her that Raheim will totally fly off the handle if you get on his bad side and basically that’s he’s crazy. He’s got the worst temper evs.

A little fly told me…yeah, that would be the one on my forehead.

James sees TD and Charté double-teaming Biggie and bitches about it to Biggie. James doesn’t want Biscuit to go home and says he will even have a “vendetta” if she goes because of them. At least no one is taking this whole “reality television” thing seriously. James wants to take out Charté and for as annoying as James is, I agree. I was all for the ATL, but I am not for bullies. I had an bad experience in the fourth grade with some catty girl bullies myself and it’s the one time in my life I was treated for migraines. I’m not kidding. I’m a sensitive creature. That’s why I treat all these contestants with kid gloves. I know they have feelings, too.

James even approaches Biggie and tells her essentially that the white girls are coolio and the black girls are fake and total bitches. I’m not trying to racially profile or anything, but at least with the editing we get, he has a case.

“Watch your back, yo.” He says to Biggie. Charté and TD hear him they that and are pissed. And not because he sounds like a wigger. TD pulls him aside and she says that she heard him talking to Biggie and wants him to know that she and Charté didn’t say anything about eliminations or Biscuit to Biggie. James totally lies and says he was explaining Pandora’s Box. But TD counters that Charté told her she heard Biscuit’s name in that conversation! Don’t blame Charté for the fly’s work!

But now at the mention of her name James flies off the handle. “CHARTE” He screams. He ORDERS that Charté come over. Then he snarls, “NOOOW!” He demands that she explain herself. Except that James totally lied to TD about what he was talking to Biggie about, but whatevs. He still feels justified. Charté comes over but tells him not to call her like that.

Take the base out ya voice, bitch. I’ll cut you.

And now it’s a tedious he-said, she-said match. Who said whose name, blah blah blah. James even suggests a whole group pow wow, but luckily that doesn’t go anywhere if only because any more people shouting and my keyboard would meltdown.

Instead James just goes to RC and they talk about how after Charté they want to go after ass clown JB, because they don’t like him neither. JB says that he wants to ride it out with Charté because she’s a strong competitor and insists that she wouldn’t stab him in the back to do it. Except then we get Charté saying that she doesn’t want to be in alliance with him because the guys don’t like him, and OMG, she repeats her Alphabet Strategy. She even lists the same letters A, B, C, D, E, F, G. I got some other ones for you STFU.

Okay, missy, we were ATL homies for a while and I think you’re hot so I never gave you a mocking alias, but now you’re a bully and in fourth grade you would have given me migraines, so I strip you of your god-given name and now you are Alphabutt. And that’s final.

Yeah, that’s right I called your name.

Anyway, in her Alphabet Strategy she’s already working on her next roommate, which is Orbi. Yes, please. I would love to see her go up against the Jersey Connection.

And speaking of Jersey, James is laying it on thick. Jersey and James are totally feeling each other. James doesn’t like TD anymore. He doesn’t know what he’d do if both Bisky and Jersey pick him at roommate selection because wants to play the game with Biscuit and make out with Jersey. Decisions are tough in Paradise.

By the bar that afternoon, RC hits on Biggie. He goes the cocky-funny method of hitting on girls by telling her that he’s the “campus dickhead”. His words, not mine. She says that she hasn’t heard anything about that. Well, except for thirty minutes ago from Charté and TD. The ears on Biggie Dolls are just for show. RC accuses her of raping him with her vampire antics the other day, but she plays innocent. The Biggie Dolls with the Blackout Function are super popular. And now that she’s sober he feels like he can hook up with her again. They both admit they have chemistry. RC even says that he’s the only one she can “really really talk to”. She can really really talk to anyone when you pull the string in her back.

Whoa. James is writing some long ass questions. Who knew so many words were going on in his mind?

Does Raheim like me? Will we ever be able to room together? Where can I get some sunglasses?

Jersey says that whoever gets grilled usually goes home. She thinks she first on the chopping block so she’s nervous. There’s been one Pandora’s Box, so what is Jersey talking about?

We arrive to our gathering and Charté asks the first question. Mr. Scorpio Douchebag, are you attracted to Biggie? After some sideways glances, he says that he thinks she’s good looking. Then he turns to Hobag and says, “We’ve said it multiple times, there’s no name tags”. Jesus H, enough with the nametags already. It doesn’t even make sense. FYI, nametags have your own name on them. Oh, hobag is gonna cut you off, bitch!

Exactly.

Next up, Fat Elvis.

TCB, TCB, TCB.

James to “J-Bone”; Which girl do you fantasize most about? And it’s his girl Jersey!! It’s all you, he says like the true ass clown he is. She looks appropriately skeeved. He says that they’ve connected and he knows that she’s cool with him saying that.

Between the herp sore and the sweat, James better watch out for this stud muffin.

RC to Alphabutt: Why do you say that you don’t instigate anything, but you’re caught up in drama. Time for Alphabutt to be on the hot seat! She insists quite stridently that she’s not an instigator, she’s a communicator. She’s got the whole alphabet to work with. But RC is not gonna let her get off that easy, which is good news for us. He just wants to “chime in for a sec”, and by that he means he wants to rip her a new -hole. Biscuit pipes up and brings up the time they called her fake and it caused a major meltdown. But Alphabetutt has the audacity to say she the word fake never came out of her mouth. OMFG. I’m getting another migraine. Especially because no one is calling her out on this!

RC is on a roll though and just starts freestylin’ his own questions: Why do you use TD as a puppet? Alphabutt denies that she does. and TD says that she’s just more outspoken and more likely to pull people aside. Oh, girl. You’re confused.

And just when things start to be getting going, Pandora’s Box is over. But not for Scorpio, because as usual he has to is go off about how intense it was. RC was glad that he finally got the chance to ask her about being an instigator. Alphabutt in her confessional says she doesn’t care what they think, what they say, “but they will respect her”.

It sounded better when Kelis said it. And looked better.

Anyhoo, it’s time to toast to getting through Pandora’s Box. Hobag thinks she’s going home tomorrow and says she feels it “80%” and this percentage is fueled by Biggie saying that if she had to do her dates over she would have picked Scorp. And another Scorpio ruins something magical.

And now it’s time to kiss Biggie ass because the roommate selection is tomorrow night! And biggest of them all is Jersey. Jersey baits Biggie into a conversation about liking girls and Biggie says that she likes girls more than boys. But this leads absolutely nowhere. Don’t talk about girl-on-girl if you can’t back it up.

So James doesn’t like that everyone likes Jersey. He definitely doesn’t like that RC likes her too. Wait, I thought RC liked Biggie? Well, I guess BFFs do everything together. And then we get a toast to being BFFs forever. But that celebratory toast will be short lived because James is in hot water right now, according to TD. He is not allowed to like Jersey because RC does. I don’t get how RC got the Like Jersey monopoly but Paradise is a nuanced, mysterious world.

James attempts to get a threeway with Biscuit going by making out with Jersey right in front of her. Seriously, did they have to do it on top of her blow up mattress? RC walks in on this action and says he’s hurt by this.

You forced Biscuit into a threesome and then snapped Jersey’s neck without me? I hate you!

James freaks out and insists he didn’t want to hurt him because he’s his best friend here! Ah, the clip we’ve been waiting for. The big lovers’ quarrel. Biscuit pretends to be asleep during Brokeback Beach. RC says that he can’t trust him in the long haul. And now they both threaten to send each other home. James then says that’s “almost immature”. Really?

I’m sorry! I’ll snap my own neck! Will that make you feel better?

So at the boys’ breakfast the next day, it’s not smiles times. We even have this really haunting, melancholy music playing that I secretly find quite nice. James head’s gonna explode, Jersey says. RC is always barking in his ear. Everyone agrees.

But around the corner at paradise, a certain duo is engaging in some sweet nothings. James says that he loves RC and they kiss and make up. “A fly in the wind.” says RC poetically of letting go of last night’s animosity. After they tongue each other for a few minutes, they ask what they’re going to do today. Swimming it is! God, I sort of love them. Can they do same sex rooming? They really do love each other.

Amanda will let us be together someday.

Over in Hobag and Scorp’s room, she crawls on him and they’re back in love again. We get to witness an “I’m going to hold out” inside joke that involves a splooging motion punchline from Scorp. I took one for the team and vommed on everyone’s behalf. RC says that those two are going down the path of love. Clearly. No one is worried about Biggie coming between them any more. Biggie says that she really is only interested in RC and Orbi. Okay, what gives? What am I missing? Especially now that he’s got some really unappealing mustache action going on. What will it take to get these girls off of him?

Lord knows I’m trying, Lady Sensation.

TD comes over to Biscuit and apologizes to her for their drunken argument. TD says that she thought they were closer than that and didn’t want to upset her. The apology seems genuine and I hope it means TD is moving away from Alphabutt. Let one ATL girl stay solid. Of course Bisky forgives her and says she would be sad if she went home.

And now we get some desperate acts from the four “OGs” : James, Scorp, Orbi, and RC go and beg Biggie to take JB as a roommate so they can kick out Alphabutt. It’s gonna rip the chemistry of the group if she doesn’t, they tell her. But Biggie doesn’t like the guilt trip, and apparently likes Alphabutt. Maybe she’ll teach you the alphabet someday, sweetie.

But this is paradise and we all knew that for all their scheming, it wouldn’t matter in the end anyway. At lunch time, Amanda comes in and makes an announcement for roommate selection. And here comes the announcement we all saw coming…you can’t pick your existing roommate. Hope that doesn’t inconvenience anyone too much! Hee hee, she says.

Who wants a nametag now, bitch? Huh, HUH??

Oh no! Now hobag really feels like she’s going home. She says aloud no more finger painting and Scorp yells across the dining room, don’t you worry about a thing! I’ll find a room. “That’s if I’m still here,” she retorts. Oh, things are not looking good for our dramatic bunch of individuals. She goes off in her confessional about how she doesn’t want to room with “bravo boy” and would rather go home. Yeah, I believe that when I see it. Biscuit is freaking out too.

And…most tragically, the Jersey connection is over! Orbi says that he won’t be able to do that little dance Jersey likes him to do. Wait. What? Why have we not gotten to see this dance? Perhaps this is the secret of his success. I demand that we get to see the Orbi Dance. I can only imagine how amazing it is.

So now we are at elimination and everyone thinks they stand a pretty good chance of going home. Biggie picks first, which means she’s not under the gun for sending anyone home. And…she picks her neck-sucking victim RC! Oh, I think fingerpainting is gonna go down. He likes that!

All our lives we’ve been looking for that special someone that had no lips and a crooked neck. Thank you, Paradise, for bringing us together.

When Jersey steps up, Amanda brings up the rift she’s caused between the BFFs, and I think she does it just to further drive me mad that I’m not there watching the dailies with her and eating petit fours. Mandy, call me!!! Jersey picks James. Pure magnetism! says Amanda. Jersey plays modest and says she thinks he likes all the girls.

When Biscuit steps up, Amanda tells her it’s time to flee the nest. God, everyone is so patronizing to her. Trying to act like a big girl, she says she’s not scared because they’re all her boys. She goes back to Mike, which probably everyone say coming. Is hobag okay with that, asks Amanda? Sharing is caring, says Biscuit. Oh, Biscuit, you sassy monkey.

Alphabutt picks Orbi, because she knows that Orbi thinks she’s sexy. She says he’s got some moves and that forearm massage really won her over.

I only emote in my secret dance.

TD picks JB since he’s the only one left, but who likes her other than RC anyway? Amanda asks if it’s because she wants him or because he’s the last single guy. RC nods like crazy at that. He does not look pleased. But TD says she’s confident in her decision.

Last up is Hobag and no matter what she’s got a 50/50 chance she’s going home. And Hobag goes to Orbi! And I’ll confess, I had a little panic in my heart that Hobag might go home. But, again, why does this brain-dead ass wipe get to make the call? Orbi tells each of the girls what he thinks of them. He thinks Alphabutt is passionate and kind? Huh? He says to Hobag that they get along because they’re not into drama and into having a good time. But last night Alphabutt definitely showed that there’s something not right and even though he doesn’t get involved, after last night he can’t choose her. Hobag wins! Cutaway to Mike discreetly pumping his fist. And Lady Sensation concedes: Orbi did something right! Thanks for giving us another week of this reality delight.

Alphabutt tell Amanda that there were a lot of scheming and lies. From her. She says that she thinks it’s going to take a strong and confident person to come in a shake things up. And Alphabutt only gets a hug from TD. Sayonara, girl. Too bad, because I was just getting into calling you Alphabutt.

Marry Boff Kill: Winner, Hobag, Loser, Alphabutt, Most Annoying: James. Kill James, Boff Alphabutt and Marry Hobag.

So is everyone glad that we finally mixed it up? Are James and Raheim totally gay? What do you think the twist is next week when Amanda announces no new guy is coming? Does that mean that we’re just going to start picking off our current guests now?? Noooo!

Lord, please make this show run forever.