Paradise Hotel: We’ll Leave the Light on for You

At last! The show we have been waiting to return to America’s loving embrace since 2003! Paradise HOtel is finally back. And what the hell took so long? I know I’m not alone in missing this savory blend of sex, booze and tears. And in the same way that Vivian Leigh felt born to play the role of Scarlett O’Hara, I feel that perhaps I was born to be the TVgasm recapper of Paradise HOtel. And while this is the grimmest thought I’ve had in a while, I’m kind of too excited to let it bring me down. We’ve found the biggest dumbasses, sluts and backstabbers, got ‘em liquored up and let them run amok in the Most Lavish Hotel in the World! Television gold! And of course it wouldn’t be complete without Amanda Byram and her mole. So the gang’s all here! I’ve got an arsenal of Ludacris “Ho” quotes to regale you with over the coming weeks and the water’s warm. Jump in!

So, first order of business: What happened to the “Two Tickets to Paradise” jam? This new song sucks ass. I can’t believe Hillary Duff is so flagrantly riding the coattails of Paradise HOtel’s awesomeness. She’s really been taking that down escalator all the way to the basement after Joel Madden dumped her. Glorified talking head Amanda Byram welcomes us back (We missed you!) and informs us we’re at one of the most Exclusive Hotels in the World. And the popsicle stand certainly does not disappoint. It looks like where I want to go to write TVgasm recaps every week.

She also informs us of the basic premise of the show, which for those of you joining us for the first time, is that the guests must find a roommate of the opposite sex to sleep with (if we’re lucky in both senses of the word) or get replaced by someone else. The number of guys and girls is always uneven so there’s always an odd man or woman out. And from there the rules change without warning. And now it’s time to meet our first crop of players! Luckily for us, the editors like to pick the sound bites that make these people sound as dimwitted as possible. I’m taking the time to get a shot of everyone so you can easily keep track of everyone and, if you want, print them out and use them like trading cards.

First up is Chelsea, from LA, who warns us that she’ll steal your man.

And Paradise HOtel will steal your dignity. A fair trade.

Tanya, another girl from LA. She allegedly parties at the “pro” level.

Say what you want, dollface, if you didn’t make Rock of Love, you still play in the minor leagues.

Charté is from the ATL. (Me, too! Haaay, ATL! Reprazent!). She’s a Diva. She says should be pampered and have all her needs and desires fulfilled.

I don’t mess with these girls. They’re for real.

Lauren is from Jersey. She’s a landscaper and she doesn’t give the milk away for free.

But I bet it’s not that expensive.

Tidisha (DY-sha) also from the ATL, informs us she has an attitude problem. She also wears her “emotions on her shoulders”. Oh, is that where we figuratively carry emotions now?

I always suspected Atlas was just a sensitive pussy.

Krista is from Phoenix. (Hey, remember how everyone was from Scottsdale last time? That was weird.) Anyway, she’s the 22-yr old Virgin.

I wonder if you don’t have sex after a certain age, you begin to lose your neck. She’s making a case.

The girls all chat about how they all have so much in common, like being hot and liking to party. Tania says she would hang out with all of them and Chelsea asks, “Where’s the bitch?” Oh, Chelsea, you’re so modest. Someone get this girl a mirror.

Next up: Boys!

James, from Houston, only hangs out with upper tier of attractive people.

In addition to ugly people, the upper tier of attractive people don’t hang out with sunglasses.

Mike is from Des Moines, Iowa. Surprisingly, he has little to say about caucuses or basic skills tests. He does say that a woman loves a guy who can make her laugh. This is because you open up “her heart” that way.

Iowa has the craziest slang.

Raheim from Long Island loves to play games He likes to “drive around neighborhoods just to see who’s looking at him”. And I can only imagine that this must require lots and lots of driving.

Biggest carbon footprint in the country.

Nathan, from Illinois, is already making notes about who people are. He’s a real strategist and in his mind he’s already won.

Sometimes breathing just makes me feel like a winner, too.

Ryan is from New Jersey, and holy hell, this guy is a dead ringer for Orbi from The Rock Life. (Did anyone else have no life this summer and watch that shit? I still cannot believe Whitestarr is an actual band.) He informs us that he is not looking for serious commitment from a woman for like ten years. You know what, dude, I don’t think a serious commitment is looking for you either.

But Minnie Mouse is. She wants her sunglasses back.

Top Tier James starts fretting that he and Ryan have the same hair which means the girls will see them as having the same qualities. He says that will create tension. This is true. I’ve administered plenty of beat downs on long haired brunettes with bangs. Being around them just created mad tension.

So the girls come find the guys now and the sizing up begins. They talk about cool things like “pre-drinking” and “stiff drinks”. I forgot that these people spend every waking moment at Paradise Hotel inebriated. I hope Fox makes their livers sign a waiver. Chelsea and Mike seem to hit it off and he tells her that he’s a scorpio. Now I recently had a traumatizing Scorpio Dating Expe

rience that read like textbook Sextrology. I apologize in advance to any of the two or three “nice”, “easy-going” Scorpios out there for anything I may say in this recap or any future recaps that insinuate Scorpio males are psycho bastards.

We get to listen in on the different ice breakers these people are having and Raheim is coming out with the rat-a-tat one-liners like he thinks he’s Conrad on Weeds. Does this man have a writer? And my apologies to Conrad for the comparison, arguably the awesomest character on the show. Surfer Douche Ryan Orbi likes No-neck Virgin, and he and Raheim discuss how on fire she obviously is because she is wearing a “red dress”. That shit’s like a universal symbol.

More like a red herring.

So Amanda comes out and asks if they are rarin’ to go, but I think she meant rearing. This is Paradise HOtel afterall. She tells us that we may think we know everything about this place, but uh, I don’t think any of us claimed that. All we know is that we know nothing. Everything is shaken up each time you enter into the frame. This ain’t our first time at the rodeo, woman. This whole show is like one big Buddhist koan.

As seasoned viewers can already guess, because there are six girls and five guys, a girl is going home first. Then she says that after that, the rules change at any time. Yeah, got that. And you’d think a funeral dirge was playing in the background because this crowd looks like their puppy just drowned. But as soon as Amanda says the word party, the kids cheer like they didn’t just hear certain death awaits one of them. It’s kind of a Homer Simpson moment.

Boo.

Yay.

All the girls like the “tall” guy, Top Tier James. Whoops! Sorry Scorpio Mike. Looks like you’ll just have to brood and sulk stormily about this one. The girls continue to discuss who they have in their hawk sights. And, oh wait, nevermind, Chelsea is back to liking Scorpio Mike! Apparently she likes his confidence. What she’s not going to like is the quiet hostility and passive-aggressive behavior he throws her way over nothing. (Writing for TVgasm: cheaper than therapy!)

Raheim/Conrad gives a rousing speech about how they’re switching up each week and Whiskers Orbi is all about the high fives on that one.

That depends on what you’re sharing, brah.

So now the men are talking game and Conrad is confident about his ability to bag Lauren that night. He says he does this “for a living”, which impresses me. Apparently in some reality I don’t know about, there is an ongoing Paradise HOtel world where Raheim Conrad successfully bets on the mad tail he’ll pull that night. Big ups to you, dude. I only wish this profession was filmed for my viewing pleasure. And Virgin Krista is continually called things like “spitfire” which makes me think no one has actually met her.

So Mike fancies himself as some witty, cheeky lost Dawson’s Creek member because he continually tries to talk smarter and funnier than he his. And sometimes this results in some glorious nonsense. When asked in confessional which girl he likes best he says it would be between Chelsea and…(beat)… “that of” Tanya. Yeah, when asked who I like I always preface it with “that of”. I secretly still like that of Scorpio Asshole. It just sounds more intelligent that way.

That of idiot. Nice necklace, btw.

Raheim-Conrad is declared as having the “most confidence” which is code for biggest jackhole. When asked if he’s a leg man, ass man, he says he’s just a straight up “woman man”. Oh, god, where I can find me a gem like this? Conrad does not have an off button. Tidisha calls him a major player and I think this whole playing-the-game thing is gonna turn on him. I hope so. He’s trying waaay too hard and talking way too fast for me to keep recapping him. Be gone. Although I do love that when the girls talk about Raheim being hot, this is the immediate cutaway we get:

Clearly, the editors feel the same way as I do.

And now we’re onto our first roommate choosing! This is possibly the most exciting part of the show, where loyalties are tested, just-add-water BFFs betrayed, and people get really tacky, mall-store necklaces. Amanda breaks down the “rules” and more than one girl can choose the same guy but then the guy gets to choose the between them. One of the girls will spend the week in a room alone, which means you are the pariah of the HOtel. Except in my world, room to self = AWESOME. I still am trying to figure out why this is the punishment scenario. I would get creeped out sharing a

bed with any of these carriers.

And first up Chelsea. Is she gonna choose Scorpio Mike? And…no! She goes for tall James.

Brood, bitch! Brood!!!

Landscaper Lauren’s up. Will she choose Raheim who declared her “done and done” based on his professional Paradise Hotel experience? Oh, man. She chooses Whiskers McGillicuddy and if only she knew what we knew, which is that he suxxxx. Seriously, his eyes are permanently half-mast. And why did she choose him? Well, because he’s from Jersey, of course! Poor Raheim. He’s gonna be on the Paradise HOtel circuit forever trying to crack the mysterious case of Female Decision Making.

I thought Cisco was gonna be here.

Diva Charté chooses Winner/Breather Nate and it’s because they have the “Air Force” in common. Uh, missed that conversation. But anything associated with Nate is forgettable. Moving on. Virgin Krista chooses Scorpio Mike. She likes his humor! Aw, they’re so Joey and Dawson! So will Tidisha choose the only man left, Raheim, who she called a major player? And she does! Girl, don’t encourage him. And now just what we thought would happen: Chelsea and Tania are going to go after the same man, Top Tier James. My money’s on Chelsea, if only because she’s hotter. I can’t help it if I think that these people will default towards looks any day of the week. And…I’m right! So now Tania has to infiltrate the couples so that at the next ceremony she’s not left alone.

So after the commercial break, Raheim is bitching about being picked last. Wow, he’s a sore loser. I think he’s also the only one surprised he was picked last. Everybody makes nice with Tania. Top Tier James even goes so far as to tell her that she was his first choice. Do you also have a bridge in Brooklyn you’d like to sell her? Liar. Not-a-bitch Chelsea offers a threesome. Aw, these people are so sweet. So the mensa club decides to have an underwear party and of course drunk Virgin Krista gets the rowdiest.

Ah, virgins and their suppressed desires. You make the world go round.

Time for bed everyone! Night vision cams in effect! The first night is predictably G-rated. Although some need very little encouragement. Raheim-Conrad is disgustingly drooling over Tidisha. Mike is giving Virgin Krista some intense talk.

Keep smilin’. Never let ‘em see you sweat.

Chelsea and James share a brief kiss. Breather Nate sleeps on the floor over in his room. Winners always sleep on the floor.

So way to go ladies for pretending not to be sluts on the first night! Your moms will be so proud. Amusingly, the only one is completely randy is poor little Tania who is writhing and panting in her solo bed about wanting to get laid. (First picture of the recap.) Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, woman! You have the best situation of them all. No strange horny dude trying to hump your back while you sleep! Why this is penalizing, I will never understand. I would be livin

g it up, taking a bubble bath, throwing some shadow puppets on the wall, making a fort with the pillows. I have a rich inner life, people. I want for no one.

So, next day we’re back to strategy talk while the guys and girls have same-sex breakfasts and the men love that Tania is going to be all over their jocks this week. On the girls’ side, the girls admit that they were all chaste in bed and Krista fesses up that she’s so chaste she is downright virginal. This sends shockwaves through the Paradise HOtel girls’ table.

Aw, hell no girl. you gon lose yo neck.

After breakfast, the kids break out the chess board and have a rousing debate over Hillary and Barack. Kidding! Everybody starts drinking and heads to the pool. We get a clip of Chelsea and Mike oiling each other down and she reveals that suddenly she’s totally into Whiskers Orbi. Damn, this girl moves fast! And ew!

The night the kids have a disco party and there’s really nothing disco about it other than the mirrorball. Instead it becomes an impromptu lapdance session. Tania’s skirt falls off and that’s just veering towards desperate, honey. Amanda, always the buzzkill, comes in to announce some official business. For those who remember (I remembered once she reminded me), no one leaves Paradise HOtel without having a roommate. So basically Tania is in like Flynn, and not only that, she gets two dates this week to help her pick! See! I knew flying solo was the way to go. Solitude is greatly rewarding and rewarded.

Chelsea says she’s gonna be pissed if she picks James, but that doesn’t stop Chelsea from throwing herself at Whiskers McGillicuddy anyway. And while in the middle of her sad play for this giant douche, she remains completely oblivious to the fact that in the span of thirty seconds (maybe less) he says that he’s not loyal to his roommate at all and that he’s TOTALLY loyal to his roommate. Uhhh. She’s far too busy telling him that she envisions kissing him and feeling those fair whiskers against her beautiful skin (but not that eloquently). God, these people are not playing with a full deck of cards. Then they do go off and kiss and the magical Paradise HOtel chimes start to go off in the background. The slutfest has begun! And now they’re off to the bedroom and WE are off to the races!

This is much more fun without Rainbow around.

Unfortunately this is all we got for this week. Gosh, it went by so fast. What’s the reaction gonna be to the first hookup/”betrayal”?

So just to get to know one another a little bit better on this journey into Paradise, I say each week we have a rousing sesh of Marry, Boff, Kill. We’ll take the winner, the loser and most annoying. This week: Winner- Chelsea. Loser- Tania. Most Annoying-Raheim Conrad. Kill Conrad, boff Chelsea, marry Tania. Agreed?

And one more shot of our resident mental giant:

This face never gets old.