Paradise Hotel: We’ll always have the reunion special.

From here to next episode.

Living at Paradise Hotel is not easy. It’s a hotbed of liars, gossipers, unsavory sluts, public nudity and Myrna. Who invited her to this party? Seriously. At least Raheim didn’t purse his lips in a passive-aggressive grimace every time he was not pleased. The natives are getting restless and this week we learn that there is indeed a heart of darkness amongst the noble savages. And thy name is MYRNA.

Is my hair okay? Nick Cannon might be watching.

So let’s see how everyone is reacting to Jungle Fever Myrna’s roommate rearrangements. Myrna of course claims it was a “huge shock” in her zombie from the Valley voice, while she makes sure every strand of hair is in place.

Bisky says that she’s going to have sleep on the floor again because she’s with ogre James that sleep cuddles. Jersey calls bullshit rightfully because at least Biscuit gets to be with her friend. Lest you forget Jersey is with “Model” Aaron who she thinks has his head up his ass. That he does, but Jersey is waging some typical paradise pot/kettle beef in that respect. And Biggie is thrilled to be with Orbi, but Orbi is visibly upset. Orbi never wanted to room with someone he was hooking up with, which he has said many times.

As the girls discuss the roommate situation, in front of the whole group, TD says that because she’s black so she doesn’t fit in. And a hush falls on the group. “What did you mean by that,” asks Hobag. She immediately backs off from it and says didn’t have anything else to say at the moment and that she wants to stay away from drama. Yeah, that’s why you play the race card. Then when Tania says responds by saying that that comment does spark drama, TD goes on her rant about saying things to her face, etc, etc, like she did the time with Biscuit except this time it makes even less sense and the first time was definitely debatable. Oh, honey. You are no Alphabutt. Then as usual she walks off. And…scene.

I have a grill in my mouth and therefore am definitely down with black people.

When I’m out of pretentious things to say in contexts that make no sense, I make monkey faces.

No one knows what to make of it. Scorpio tries to play PR guy and but it only pisses Hobag off. Hobag cries and Scorp holds her. She misses home and Scorpio says that he misses her already and is there for her. He says she is too awesome of a person to cry. And now you know: if you’re awesome, don’t cry. Ever. Or you won’t be awesome perse with respect to awesomeness.

If only all scorpios acknowledged the hard work we do.

So, as a reader in the comments brought up last week: When did Jersey becoming a raging bitch? Or as I like to say in my day to day, a cuntry singer? Throughout the show she’s been all smiles and schoolgirl giggles, and now someone has seriously pissed in her cornflakes. I’m not going to blame Johnny Bravo when he was nekky on the breakfast table, but something has definitely shifted. I used to like you, landscaper.

That night Biggie and TD and Myrna are giggling and sticking their asses up in the air doggy-style for doggy-style fan “Model” Aaron and Jersey wants them to shut the hell up. She feels the originals are the most genuine and aren’t trying to screw anyone over. TD is an original, but she is no longer in the OG click. She refers to it a group orgy in the pool.

Chill out, Jersey. It’s just a sexual position contest for a glass of orange juice.

James says that TD’s starting to become a slut with Chris because she’s desperate. Chris says that TD is the girl he is most attracted to, which is interesting because she’s also the only girl giving him the time of day.

In James and Biscuit’s room, Mike is dreading having to go shack up with TD, and over in her room, Jersey ignores “Model” Aaron the whole night. She puts her ugly silk pjs on and doesn’t let him get a feel of their soft silky touch. Mean Jersey!

In Biggie and Orbi’s, Biggie is getting rejected hard by Orbi. He says that he only cuddles with girlfriends and that he doesn’t want to be a roommate with someone he’s hooking up with. Biggie is hurt, because she was designed with fun bags that are irresistible to all men.

He said speed bags, not fun bags.

I’m short circuiting and find it difficult to stop the pelvic thrusting.

The next morning she bitches to Myrna. Myrna asks how it’s going in that annoying voice of hers. She doesn’t understand what’s going on. Oh, girl. Watch the dailies with Mands. Orbi goes off at breakfast about all the hot things Biggie was doing, like nipple tickling and crack rubbing. Hot stuff! Even Orbi can’t believe he still didn’t want, but he didn’t.

Biscuit and Jersey talk about how it’s three against three amongst the girls and they will just OMG DIE if either one of them or Hobag goes home. They do think one of them is screwed though because Myrna sucks. And hate the OGs all you want, but they got a point about that girl. They dish that they used to think she was “gorgeous” and now she’s not attractive at ALL and then they see her and Aaron and fake say good morning to “Model” and Myrna. They equate the thrill of seeing them to the thrill of getting a limb amputated.

Gangrene is more appealing than a supine Myrna.

TD and Myrna talk about Biscuit and how she needs to go, because she’s the “nice” girl and is “floating” because everyone thinks she’s harmless. “It’s irritating!” proclaims TD. TD also uses the opportunity to drive a wedge between Hobag and Scorp by saying how scared Hobag was by Myrna showing up and how per se Scorp is attracted to the Asian population. TD concludes from this conversation that Myrna is smart, because she gets all of this. I say go back to your doggy style contest and shut it.

So, riddle me this: Why does Sexy Messenger give a specific person a note, like it’s personalized for them. It’s always a group message, so why does it matter? At lunch the guests discover they have a Pandora’s Box and this time the group is not excited. Jersey is, at this point that is right that whoever is under the gun at the Box gets axed.

That night Jersey comes up first and calls a toast to brutal honesty. She says she likes it “short, sweet and simple”. James just raises a finger since he actually doesn’t have a drink. Tool.

I’ll toast to that. Who wants foreplay anyway?

First question: Jersey asks Myrna if she’s “royalty” at home. Everyone giggles at that question and Myrna is clearly insulted. Jersey brings her best smiling bitch to the table:

I love asking you questions that insult you.

I love hearing you ask questions that insult her.

I know Nick Cannon. And he’s so going to cut you.

She still tries to give a serious answer which is just one of her many mistakes with this crowd. She says that it’s all “earned” and that she works very hard for her jewelry and money. “Model” Aaron pipes in at the end that “poppin’ it is hard work” and everyone stifles a laugh and Myrna gives death eyes. Ha. Unfortunately, I don’t think this ass clown was actually trying to insult her. I think it just turned him on to say “poppin’ it”.

Biggie comes up and asks TD, do you think leading Chris on will keep you here. Of course she says that they are attracted to each other and the question was to “strike Chris away from her”. Oh, TD. You just bit a rhyme from the Scorpio school of speaking.

And then people start to bust our couple’s balls. Orbi to Hobag: Are you and Scorp in love? She says that he’s her double and he loves him as a person. TD to Scorp: Are you attracted to Myrna? When she first came, he said he made it clear to the group that he did say he was attracted to Asians and that she is attractive, but then puts his arm around Hobag possessively. Take that, haters!

And the passive-aggressive line of questioning that was already getting over-the-top becomes downright pathetic when Biscuit gets her question: Why are you everyone’s little Troll doll that everyone has to rub to make you happy? Obviously everyone freaks out about this question. Although, A plus on the no-neck parallel! Biscuit demands to know who wrote it and wants to know what that means. No one steps up. Other people chime in to defend her and say that someone should admit to it if they were willing to write it, but alas. “Ridiculous!” “Unacceptable!” cries the group. Really? Stick a finger in a socket and steal the SPF and I think we’re in business!

Biscuit called. She wants her nightie back.

After the Box, Hobag goes off about how awful that question was. She thinks TD asked it because TD is the only one that has ever said the word “troll” while at Paradise, which surprises me because troll is a vernacular staple in my world. Scorp and Hobag hug and talk about how much they need each other there. Scorp puts on the smarty pants by saying that without her his experience there would be “nothing short of catastrophic”. And they kiss to that.

Back in James and Jersey’s room, Troll Biscuit is sitting in a suitcase pouting about being a troll doll and giving a hard sell for the Troll doll thing.

I fit in small containers, see?

And it turns out TD was wrongfully accused because we get a confession… the “Southern Gentlemen” “Model” Doggy-styler Aaron! He basically did it to get a reaction from the crowd and well done there! God, what an idiot. And we’re not done with “Model” yet. At the bar, Myrna tells “Model” that she was offended by what he said about “poppin’ it”. And instead of copping to and apologizing, he tries to convince her of the comment’s inherent humor. Dumb ass on both counts: Myrna you’re not a rocket scientist. You kind of do actually pop it. I’ve seen your Myspace. And “Model”, you’re an IDIOT. But poor grimace face Myrna, it’s hard to be taken seriously in this world. Even after she walks off, he still keeps saying “Pop it. Pop it!!” Like if he says it enough times, someone will laugh.

This would never happen on Wild N Out.

Biggie and TD are now freaked out by this development because it could be bad news for their attempt at new person alliance. TD says that they have to get the focus back in “Model” because he’s starting to fall apart. She comes up to “Model” at the bar and he says that he’ll kiss ass if he wants her too, but is clearly not excited about it. “I don’t kiss ass, I only pound it,” he laughs maniacally and begins screaming “POP IT POP IT!!!” again.

After a stressful Pandora’s Box though, it’s time to ho it up to relieve some tension! TD gets in the pool in her thong acting like it would be terribly inconvenient to go back to her room fifty paces away and get her suit. Chris goes nuts and takes off his suit too. He’s “enjoying” the chase. And they both flirt tediously. No ones interested in these two. She teases him about going to his room and he laments that he hasn’t had to work this hard to get some tail since he was 14.

Next day, elimination day, the gang looks ridiculous at a lunchtime luau, especially since no one looks comfortable in their gear. They try and shake some booty to get a festive atmosphere going, but our gaggle of hos look burnt and tired. And once Sexy Messenger comes to remind everyone of elimination that night, whatever is left in their spirits completely deflates. Jersey is the biggest pouter of them all and believes herself to be first on the chopping block. And then bitches about how TD is totally safe.

“This grass skirt kind of itches.” “I know. but my shades make me look pretty cool, huh?”

James predicts that Grimace Face will pick Orbi to force him to choose between Biscuit and Jersey and he reveals he would pick Biscuit because of loyalty. And he knows that Orbi would go the Jersey connection route. He also worries Biscuit wouldn’t do the same for him down the line. Scorp says that if she tries to send home Hobag he’ll make her stay there horrific. Originals are gonna go off if she fucks with them. I personally would love to see that.

Myrna and Chris talk about how if she goes first it’ll come down to the three OGs picking between the girls. Myrna giggles to the cams about how she’s going to have to spice things up! Bitch, you better not try and get too spicy or you’re the one that’s gonna get burned.

And…elimination time! Myrna picks first and that means the roommate she picks cannot be chosen. Myrna tries to give a speech sounding smart about not wanting to send anyone home and Amanda cuts her off clearly not impressed by her attempt at banter with an “Okay why don’t you choose?” Ha! Amanda doesn’t like you either.

This isn’t MTV, honey. At Fox Reality, we don’t pretend we think you’re saying something interesting.

And she meanders around for a bit and does the dumbass thing of picking Scorp. I saw that one coming. I think she thought he was flirting with her at Pandora’s Box, not making a statement that he can say he thought she’s attractive and NOT BE INTERESTED. She’s totally that type of girl.

Amanda asks why she picked the married man of paradise and she says that she hasn’t really “spoke” to Mike so she wants to get to know him better. Hobag starts to cry. Everyone hates you Myrna.

I thought I would spice things up with a grimace.

Next up Biscuit goes to James. What a big girl she’s becoming. She’s choosing to room with the hulk cuddler. TD goes to “Model” Aaron and Chris looks a little sad and dejected. Biggie goes to Chris, because they’re like “this” and does a hand gesture that a genius camera guy doesn’t actually get. She then adds he’s a really good cuddler. Take that, Orbi.

Like what, humper?

Hobag is up and musters some dignity by saying nothing except that Myrna showed her true colors and with a group like this you won’t be here that long. I hope so. I’m over her grimace face. Don’t eff with my Hobag and Scorp. And with that Hobag picks Chris, basically sending herself home. Aw, Hobag is a lover not a fighter. She said that she wouldn’t want one of her friends to make that decision. Amanda asks if she’s confident he’ll pick her and she says that she’s not confident that he will pick her at all. Jersey and Hobag are both crying. Lady Sensation too.

When Jersey comes up, she says in her southern accent that Myrna’s trying to start a war of the worlds and that Myrna’s going to have to explain her decision. She goes to Orbi obviously since he’s left. So now it’s time to choose. Chris says that he’s shocked and completely confused. He feels like a big brother to “Biggie”, who is crying, and that he, Hobag and Scorp are like peas in a pod, but he is a man of his word and he has to stick by his word, so he chooses Biggie as a roommate.

Hobag is out. She comes over to debrief with Amanda. Amanda says that it will probably be hard for Myrna now and I’d like to think she says it because she hates Myrna too. Hobag is all hells yeah it will be! She said that paradise was never a game to her and that it sucks to be Myrna because she hasn’t meshed with anyone here.

Oh fuck.

Yeah, purse those lips. You don’t have the power any more, bitch.

Good-bye, Hobag. You were wild and crazy and a true Paradise star. You will be missed by all of us. xoxo.

And even if you aren’t moved by the demise of our no nametag, totally nametagged couple. You have to hate this one being the victor:

What? I don’t get it. I’m Asian!!

Bring Hobag back, Toni-style! And it looks like someone is coming back Toni-style. Next week we get someone who is “no stranger to paradise”. Maybe it’s someone from season one! I’ll take Charla!

Marry, boff, kill. Loser, Tania. Winner, Biggie. Most Annoying, Myrna. This is one is the biggest no brainer yet: Kill Myrna, Boff Biggie, Marry Hobag.

And Hogirl, we apparently live in the same city, so call me!

xoxo, Lady Sensation.