Paradise Hotel: Yahtzee! Game on!!

I just really missed Amanda.

The moment we’ve all been waiting for…Who’s come back to haunt the guests of Paradise Hotel like a drunk, slutty ghost? Will it be a season one guest like Man Boobs Dave, (which would be awesome)? Or are we going to be subjected to Raheim and his tedious civics analogies? I’ve predicted season one all along, and the above pic is a bit of a spoiler, but read on to find out!

The guests are eerily quiet after Hobag’s departure. Everyone is surprised and upset. Some things are constant in this world: sunsets, taxes… Scorp and Hobag. Grimace Face Myrna said it was bound to happen. Bound to happen? Do you think you’re God? It didn’t have to happen. There was no divine ordinance that anyone had to break up Scorp and Hobag. “They could have still been together,” she says. “You know what I mean?” No. We don’t. You’re a bitch.

The originals are majorly PO-ed. Jersey and James are talkin’ gangsta about throwin’ down on her and Biscuit HATES that girl. Scorp says that it was tough and that he didn’t see it coming. “Is it that serious?” demands Myrna. Like is she bad person, people? Does this reflect her character? Myrna does a shot to console her guilty conscience. TD says people don’t like you when you tell it how it is. Poor TD, what a hairshirt she wears in her quest for truth.

Can’t you see in my face what a nice person I am?

That night Scorp gets locked out of his room by none other than Grimace Face. What happened to all the “spoke”ing Grimace Face wanted to do? She’s the new cuntry singer. I went to go do more “Myrnastar” recon at her myspace profile and that bitch set it to private now, so I couldn’t crib more material. She’s on to me.

Next morning at breakfast, the boys can’t believe that Grimace locked Scorp out. Grimace’s excuse is that she was nervous and thought he would flip out. Grimace needs “peaceful sleep”, people. She can’t have a lovelorn Scorpio disrupting it. In my experience, scorpios only flip out on the people they actually are dating, so get over yourself, sister.

After breakfast Mikey talks to Biscuit and James about it and Biscuit takes the reins by going over to Grimace and asks her why she did that to Scorp. Grimace gets uber defensive. “Okay, okay. That’s up to me and him!” She tries to sound in control, but we all see through it. In her dumb voice, she says that’s her and “Mikey’s” issues and that its none of her business. She condescendingly thanks Biscuit for bringing it to her attention, but she’ll talk to Scorp about it and then giggles like she made a huge power play when Biscuit leaves. I thought it would have been great if Biscuit had just sat there in silence and creeped Grimace and “Model” out.

When she goes back to report what Myrna said to Scorp, he laughs about all the talking Grimace has done with him. NONE! Biscuit says that voice is gonna haunt her. I think everyone’s ear drums have been damaged and I’m glad the guests of Paradise are finally fighting back.

Biscuit as Grimace: Not bad!

Then the group gathers for an Amanda meeting, who is all double talk and playing coy. She says that there will be a new arrival….kind of. Oh, Amanda you tease! She announces that the new arrival is no stranger to Paradise. And…it’s ZACH! From the OG OGs! Zach is from “Hawaii” now. Oh, hells yeah. The original assclown in the house! I love it. I still use “A, and number two” as a really smart way of listing things I’m mad at a person about. Bring it on. And getting the kid glove treatment, we get a montage of all the asinine things he said and did while he was a guest of Paradise, including the threat of physical violence to Keith. What a charmer!

2003 Zach

New and Improved 2008 Zach

He’s at least pretending to be amiable for the moment, saying he’s grown up and knows what a jerk he was the first time around. And Amanda drops the bombshell that Zach is the last arrival at Paradise. It’s that time, gang. This is it. From here on out people are gonna be picked off one by one and we are going to see who wins the ultimate prize.

Zach thinks that he’s going to have an advantage knowing what goes on. He greets each guest and they all go up on the veranda to talk and drink. Scorp asks about his relationship with Amy (Did you have someone special?) and Zach says yes, as a matter of fact he did! He said that it was hard because he was a tough person to get along with then. But he and Amy had something special. Is she dead now? Can’t they say what became of them? I’ll be honest with you, all these years every now and then I would think about them for a second and wonder what they were doing and if they were still together. Living in LA like they said they were going to. Zach says this time he is only going to be focused on himself.

Biscuit believes that Zach’s arrival was for James, because he’s the current reigning hunk and this is a direct challenge to James’s hunk leadership position. Scorp enters in and says it’s completely mind-boggling. These guests are easily blown away. Paradise Hotel would totally pull a stunt like that. I’m surprised Toni hasn’t barged in yet.

Zach traipses off to the single room and guess what is waiting for him! That’s right. Hobag left the typical exit note for Zach and basically wrote a love letter for Scorp but for Zach to read. She had never met a “true soul” until she met Scorp. Blah blah blech. Zach says it sounds like they experienced what Amy and he did. Yeah, except without all the asshole-ishness. Scorp didn’t blow her off after her slept with her the first night like a big dumb bo-hunk. This whole thing smells like a set-up.

Handwriting analysis shows this bitch is loose as hell.

And the OGs are trying hard to figure out a way to get Zach on their side. Why are there two sides? It’s not like one “side” is going to win. Reality show contestants will never learn. Anyway, Biscuit says that Zach is most like her type. And apparently he is Grimace’s type, too. Oh, Biscuit versus Grimace. Let the games begin! Come on, team! yells cheerleader Biscuit. Let’s go to the pool and work him over!

So everyone gathers at the pool and Scorp plays PR guy saying that Zach should come to him with any questions and he will be happy to answer them in a timely fashion. Zach can’t keep his eyes off Grimace, who saunters into the pool area in another atrocious showgirl outfit. Where does she find this crap?

If you’re trying to impress Nomi Malone, you got the wrong show.

And the lines are drawn. Biscuit and Jersey versus Grimace, TD and Biggie. Unfortunately, the hotness is not in the OG’s favor here. James says he definitely feels the heat of Zach’s hotness, but doesn’t think that Jersey is into him. Cut to Jersey telling us that Zach is definitely the guy that’s most her type. Yahtzee!

The OGs are dominating though and hogging him hard. The non-OG girls sit around and lament this fact. They strike out again at lunch as Biscuit saves a spot next to her. “Model” proposes a toast to Zach in an attempt to kiss ass and seem like everything is one big party, but Zach isn’t fooled. This ain’t his first time at the rodeo. He’s created divisions himself in his day! Biscuit says there is a huge division now and breaks it down for Zach. He asks who the originals are. He makes the observation that the women seem more divided and the men seem like they’re at least trying to get along. Ah, such is life.

So you like to run around naked, you like to flash your ass, and you like your ridge touched? Got it.

While this is going on, the non-OGs make the poor decision to leave to get tequila shots, leaving the OGs to bond as much as they please and break down what’s really going on. Except for Chris, who stays on behalf of his crew. Orbi talks about how he hooked up with Biggie and is over it. Downstairs, “Model” is drawling on about he has a better chance with uuuuus. TD says that she doesn’t brown nose and that’s why she hasn’t gone up to him. Yes, if only more people were like TD.

Adopting an eastern religion is not going to fool us.

When the group breaks down and wanders off in different directions for individual revelry, James and Zach discuss that Biggie is a swing vote and is in the middle for sure. Biggie then says herself that she could switch alliances.

I just thought she looked pretty here. That’s all.

Later that night, Zach and Scorpy totally bond over the letter Hobag wrote to him. He starts by saying he feels like they’re “related” because they went through the same thing and Scorp says in awe, Gasp! “You got a letter, didn’t you?” They so went through the same thing. He says that he wants to share it with him and then repeats over and over that Scorp is the version of him. He feels like he was sent there to help each other out. Taking his stint on Paradise Hotel 2 to cosmic proportions.

Portrait of a “soul-toucher”.

They dish about everything and Zach even asks him who he should pick as a roommate so as not to ruffle any feathers. Scorp also says Biggie would be the best pick to not get under anyone’s skin, since she swings both ways (yeah, she does!).

So…Scorp and Grimace finally talk like three days later and Grimace won’t take any accountability for the demise of our couple, trying to make it seem that Hobag did it to herself by picking Chris. STFU. And scorp rolls over and plays dead. Painfully she alphas him. She says that the game is to eliminate people and that’s how it goes. And he says he doesn’t want to argue. Man up, dude! That’s not the behavior I expect from a Scorpio. She even ends the conversation, too, by saying they “have to get ready”, so people aren’t like [insert gasping noise]. Since when is Paradise on some urgent timetable? STFU.

Blah blah blah, “Love of your life”. I can’t find my MAC tranny mess eyeshadow. Can you only think of yourself at a time like this?

Next day at breakfast, the guys make fun of Grimace by talking about all the deep caressing and cuddling Scorp must have done with her last night. And he’s all “Yeah, you have no idea.” Grimace overhears this and makes a face. And sexy messenger has some fun news for the gang! The guys get to go deep sea fishing today and the girls get to get…waxed. What? These girls have been running around with rainforests between their legs this whole time? Poor things. Aren’t they at a resort with access to full-time groomers? The girls are rightfully stoked.

Once the boys leave, the girls all watch each other get their hoohas waxed and giggle and scream and act dramatic about the whole thing, like they’ve never felt hot wax on their skin. It’s a bit silly. But somewhere some creepy dude watched this segment like it was fetish porn. Although, admit it. Who doesn’t get off on seeing this:

NICK!! SAVE ME!!!!!

On the boat, the guys gossip like a bunch of little bitches. The guys sound off on Grimace of course and James says that he wouldn’t go for her because she’s so high maintenance. (I officially announce the Grimace Challenge: Find a bitch that’s more high maintenance.) And Scorp proclaims that the person Grimace digs the most is Grimace. Finally! Scorp lands one. Zach and Mikey are the two that catch fishes that day. Aw, the twinkies. They are the new James and RC. The fishies even look alike.

When they all gather together back at the hotel, they get another note from Sexy Messenger. Twice in one episode! Addressed to Biscuit, but for no apparent reason, yet again. And we learn that tonight the originals and the new guests will have separate dinners. Oh, time for the non-OGs to get Zach into their camp. It’s a shame that they had to have the Hotel arrange that for them. Pussies. Anyway, some asshat goes, “Who are the new arrivals?” And Biscuit has to explain that it means anyone who is not original.

Right after the dinner announcement, Zach tells Grimace that she has to just get ready for dinner and is not allowed to primp. Her challenge is to just throw some clothes on and get to eatin’. Can she do it? Grimace says yes. Grimace believes that this dinner is going to give her and Zach the opportunity to know each other more. She wants to be his roommate. Zach is someone that she’d really like to spoke to.

Nevermind. Take the hour and a half.

But…it turns out she can’t. The Non-OG dinner becomes a hate on Grimace fest which is satisfying. Apparently Grimace did some primping and broke the rules. But she says she did it in her fifteen minute timeframe that was given to her. There was no fifteen minutes that I heard about, but Grimace insists Zach should be proud of her instead of busting her chops. Grimace is a multi-tasker, can’t you see? She should be adored and rewarded for it. Grimace says that he wants her to be someone she isn’t. Zach says he doesn’t give a shit. He doesn’t care what she does. He just wanted to see if she could do it. She says this is who I am, take it or leave it and the non-OGs appear stunned by her brazenness. And is it just me or is Chris looking mighty overwhelmed by everything these days? Seriously, we never hear a peep from him anymore.

Wassa goin’ on?

Scorp whistles at the non-OGs right after, busting up the fun and announcing there is going to be a game of Truth of Dare, except he says Truth or “Dale”, which is funny, because he doesn’t mean to, but it actually could be one of his attempts at making things clever. And on a side note, Truth or Dare should be played all the time on this show. This is totally the type of show that should be dropping some truth bombs and slutty dares every week. The rules are if you opt out, you have to do a shot of tequila. Well, that’s just lame. If anything juicy comes up on the truth or anything truly good comes up on the dare, we’re just gonna get a bunch of drunks.

So the gang settles on a tarp or sleeping bag and gets down to business. Jersey goes to Zach first and he claims he’s a “dare guy”. He’s dared to give a lapdance to a girl in the center of the tarp. And he immediately asks for a tequila shot. Way to go, dare guy.

Aaron pisses off TD by asking Chris if he’d “crush” her on camera. She doesn’t want her name in there, but I don’t think she’s entitled to get mad over a question that wasn’t even asked to her. TD, what happened to your quest for the truth? Don’t you want him to be up front and say it “in your face? Chris says no anyway, so she shuts up.

Chris to James. He chooses truth, but it turns out to be a dare because he asks what sexual position he’d want to do Jersey in and they both enthusiastically demonstrate doggy style. Ew. Scorp likes it though and says he can’t wait to “self-crush”.

Ta-da!

Biggie asks Orbi a question and he says he wants truth and then adds that he know what it’s going to be. We all do! And of course she asks him why he cut her off the ridge train. And he says honestly he wasn’t feeling it. He only likes her as a friend. She seems a little hurt, but says it’s cool. Aw, poor biggie. Don’t hurt my girl!

Aaron asks Jersey and she says Dare. He tells her to pick the guy she finds most attractive and lay the best kiss on him that she’s laid on anyone since she’s been there. Who is she gonna pick? She seems a little confused at first, taking a little time to make up her mind, and James clearly thinks she’s gearing up for him. And much to James’s dismay, she picks Zach. HO! She gets on top of Zach and just goes to town. James plays nonchalant, but we all know he feels the pain.

Scorp dares James to show what he would do to a female and Jersey thinks it’s gonna be her, but he immediately assures her in front of everyone that it WON’T be her. To attempt at a knife twist, he picks Grimace and mimes some sex. She is a bore about it and doesn’t open her mouth, insisting she’s not that “female”. Bitch, please.

You kind of remind me of this wet fish we caught this afternoon…

Afterwards they all head to the pool and James is still extremely vocal about his feelings over Jersey’s choice to kiss Zach. Zach understands why he’s mad because he’s a guy, but Jersey doesn’t seem to care at all. James said that it hurt him, but seeing her do that turned him off so much he doesn’t even like her anymore. Well, good. Then that means you’ll be over it now, right? You’re not going to act out like a bitter, jealous fool, I’m sure. And you know what time it is now, he rallies, it’s GAME TIME.

Back in the pool, Zach asks Biscuit if he thinks James is mad at him and Biscuit insists no. James is back from his camera rant though and busts it up though, stealing Zach away for some man on man time. Guys in Paradise truly understand the value of male bonding and I dig that about them.

Once they leave the gang runs amok. Orbi gets chased around and then Jersey and Biggie start doing some weird thing in a circle and Scorp starts chanting “They’re spider monkeys! They’re spider monkeys!” I guess you had to be drunk.

Exciting new policy for roommate selection.

Back at the Man Chat, James says he’s not mad at him, but proceeds to completely sell Jersey down the river. He says she’s trying to to play the game and that his bond is with Krista. And then he says Orbi is playing the game harder than anyone else. Cue to Biggie smacking Orbi’s ass. Whatever dude. Zack doesn’t like that James is switching around everyday who he would send home, especially one of his originals.

When he comes back, Zach takes TD and Biggie to the side and tells them to let Chris know that he’s his boy. He’s even noticed Chris? That makes one of you. Well, this is an interesting development. Could he be striking up a bond with Chris, because he wants to take on the OGs rather than join them? But that’s interrupted by everyone suddenly noticing that Jersey straddling Scorp pushing her poonanny in his face, which is shocking to the gang. Zach says that she’s exposing all her bullshit by doing that. Or she’s just showing she’s a drunk slut like the rest of them. She never would have pulled that stunt when Hobag was still alive. Poor form, Jersey. Hobag RIP.

Who’s the hobag now, bitch?

Biscuit is confused by Zach talking to TD and Biggie. She doesn’t know if she can trust him or not. I would say that’s negatory, Troll doll. And TD tells us in a confessional that Zach told her that she and Biggie will be okay if they “stuck” together. An alliance is born!

And sealing the deal, completely forgetting his love affair with Scorp, he goes into Chris’s room at night and wakes him up. He says that he knows that Krista and Jersey aren’t going to pick him over Scorp, James or Orbi. He also knows that Grimace is not liked and “Model” irritates people. I’ll say. So he wants to form an alliance with Chris, Biggie, him and TD. Smart, I suppose. But who knows in this game? And what happened to your brothers-in-heartache? Scorp is gone like Amy. Although, as long as he’s not forging an alliance with Grimace Face, me cares not.

So here’s the breakdown:

Team A: Scorp, Jersey and Biscuit (James and/or Orbi)

Team B: Chris, Zach, Biggie, TD

Outcasts: “Model”, Grimace

No winners or losers this week. We have to stay tuned till next week and it looks like it’s a doozy. “Model” is shedding tears, so it has to be good.

Love y’all!

xoxo, InternetSensation