Paradise Hotel: Casino Royality

None of these individuals took Vegas for millions counting cards in Blackjack or anything else.

Hey-o! Can you believe it? A Paradise Hotel recap done this early in the week? Only the promise of long overdue drinks tomorrow with the ‘Gasm writers would get me on top of my game, so I could get out in the world guilt-free tomorrow night. So it’s a win-win for both of us. Stakes were high and we both beat the odds. Seriously even I didn’t know i had it in me. Read on to find out who the losers were this week. Not all of us got so lucky this time around.

It’s a bright and sunny morning in Paradise and James is telling Krista that he wants to back to OG James, meaning the carefree, happy-go-lucky James that he was when he first arrived. That homie hung out with everybody! So today it’s time to turn over that new leaf and he’s going to hang out with TD, Grimace and just get along with everyone. That’s the area where he’s “lost focus”. It takes a lot of concentration to be laid back. But then he adds Jersey will NEVER get back what she once had with him. Guaranteed. That would require a level of focus he is not capable of.

Wait. What was I talking about? I thought I saw some cool bandanas over there.

And it’s ladies’ breakfast time. Grimace is grimacing. Jersey is talking about how she was just nuts last night at truth or dare and everyone agrees that she was in rare form. TD says that “Model” was super apologetic for his question to Chris in truth or dare. The one where he asked if Chris would crush TD on camera. What? He wouldn’t apologize to Grimace when he said she “popped it” for a living, but he apologizes relentlessly for a dumb truth or dare question? He has the smarts of a model, I’ll give him that. I can just see him all Zoolander going, “What is that? A center for ants?!?” in his southern drawl. But TD says that she can’t help him crawl out of his hole. The time for kissing ass is over, “pretty” boy.

“Blue Tin Foil”

At the boys breakfast, only “Model” and Chris are sitting at the table and Chris informs “Model” that he’s good. Chris whispers that “he’s got him”. Like Chris is now running this show. These people repeatedly demonstrate keen senses of self-awareness. When “Model” inquires further, Chris is all “hush” and tells him that he took care of it with Zach. And then the other guys show up and the conversation, if you could even call it that, is closed. Look at Chris wearing the big boy pants now! Zach looks his way and suddenly he thinks he’s a contender. I will laugh heartily when he skulks over to Amanda for his exit speech.

Scorp, Jersey and Orbi all discuss the state of the union and Scorp feels very vulnerable. He thinks that Biggie is his only chance for survival now and Biggie thinks it’s time for someone to go after “Model” and take out TD’s partner. She just says “he” so it’s not clear who, but it sounds like the OG’s best bet.

Right up your ass is just how we like it.

“Model” and TD dish about Chris and Grimace and apparently they are off giggling and laughing together all the time, so they call Chris in for a serious conversation about it and he insists that he is not. He doesn’t understand why everyone thinks that they have a thing. Cue footage of them talking about playing the game. But TD wants Chris to know that Grimace is not a part of the group. TD doesn’t trust her, even though we know she’s been kissing some Grimace ass since day one. Saying Grimace was smart and what not. As if. TD needs to go over and over again that she doesn’t know who she can trust and “Model” says over and over that he has complete trust in Big Boy Pants Chris. And somewhere a record skips over and over.

But speaking of Grimace, she’s wowing the crowd in another atrocious showgirl number. And what is on her ass?

Mark of the beast.

Back with TD and “Model”, TD is going on and on about how loyalty means more to her than anything. STFU. Did you know she doesn’t who she can trust? I know, crazy shit. She informs “Model” that he needs to watch himself, because Chris is good with everyone, but “Model” isn’t. He’s pissed people off, so he basically needs to eat crow breakfast, lunch and dinner.

And speaking of Big Boy Pants Tattle Tale Chris, he’s now over in the single room with Zach narcing on TD about how she’s loyal to “Model” and thinking that he and Grimace are in cahoots. Those two decide that if TD is gonna be insecure then she can be replaced by Grimace! Bitches are interchangeable, don’t you see? And Zach is clearly alpha to everyone else’s beta. He calls a meeting with his original alliance that he’d decided on at the end of last week: himself: Chris, Biggie and TD, and tells them that they all need to stick together. Who died and put him in charge? He’s been there 24 hours and they’re jumping at the chance to follow him like little lemmings on crack.

Really? You have some kool-aid for us to drink, too?

TD still doesn’t trust Chris. She needs validation in her mind (points to her mind so there’s no misunderstanding where it is.) Zach insists that they all have to band together and the originals are falling about. He mentions when James sold Orbi down the river by saying he’s the one to boot, and TD is genuinely surprised and dismayed.

There’s the Zach face we all know and love.

At lunch, Grimace and Zach discuss the night before when he scolded her at dinner. He thinks she’s mad at her and he wants to talk about it. He apologizes for it and insists that they be cool with each other. She seems pleased with the apology, but then he zings her again by telling her not to be “a girl” and “carry this on”. Ha! Then she fixes her hair and gets pissed off again. Loves it!

Sexy Messenger brings James/everyone a note informing them that there will be a fancy pants dinner tonight with rented tuxedos for our boys and used prom dresses from the early nineties for the ladies. Thanks Paradise Hotel!

Just like Jersey! Yay!

After lunch Zach and Jersey talk by the pool about the James situation and how upset he got at truth or dare. Jersey says that James just got his nose out of joint because his ego was on the line. She insists he didn’t even notice her at the beginning and doesn’t like her. Zach is just filing this information away and keeping his eagle eye on her, since he knows she’s playing all three original boys. Or Zach just liked what he saw during that doggy style demo.

James and TD have a heart to heart, too. James is trying to convince her that he wishes he’d stayed loyal to her. TD just says that she’ll just be loyal to who is loyal to her. James says that Zach is his biggest threat in the long run and he also says the biggest threat now. So basically, just a big threat in general. Is that what your telling us, James? Maybe focus on that for a bit and get back to me.

And why is TD such a big recipient of ass kissing these days? I’m not really quite clear when she went from outcast to cool kid, but the tides sure have turned. TD still doesn’t trust anyone except herself. I love when people make it clear that they do trust themselves though. Thanks for not leaving a big question mark on that front, gang.

“Model” finally apologizes to Grimace for the “poppin’ it” thing and after they talk about something about his temper or whatever, I kind of tuned out, they agree to get along. “Model” not being smart enough to zing her after his apology. Seriously, what’s going on with our men of paradise? Not even scorpio Scorp stood up to this little crotch flasher.

Hey Nick! Are you watching at home?

Everyone gets dressed in their rented tuxes and mall dresses and Jersey and Orbi joke about fixing their hair the same way. Aw, so Jersey! Chris and Zach get ready together, the new RC and James (looks like it’s not going to be Scorp and Zach after all). Chris asks Zach what girl he’s going to choose if he chooses first in the line up and he asks Chris who would be best. Chris says that he’ll choose TD or Grimace, and Zach says that’s cool because he doesn’t want to risk picking Grimace and getting sucked into her world of unanimous loathing. Then Chris admits he will sell “Model” down the river first chance he gets. Let’s hope that “Model” is trusting himself! Has he told us yet if he does? I can’t be sure if he doesn’t expressly say so.

So it’s time for dinner and doesn’t everyone look like a prom picture? Biscuit/Droopy (I really loved that parallel, commenter Itchy! I think it’s gonna stick.) makes a toast to the group saying that she loves how everyone has really come together. Why do people say things like this? It only serves as a catalyst for all hell to break loose.

1998 or 2008: you make the call.

In comes Sexy Messenger with a note during the meal. “Model” reads it and announces that the boys will be competing in a poker game tonight and someone will win an important upper hand in elimination. Everyone guesses immunity. “Casino royale, baby!” says Zach. (How good was that movie, btw?) Apparently Zach’s brother played in the World Series of Poker last year. Really? Can someone do some recon on this? I’m not saying he didn’t, but it seems really convenient and also the type of thing he would totally make up. It scares the boys though. Scorp is nervous. (Is it just me or has he faded into the background now that he’s not fingerpainting Hobag all the time?). James informs us that he’s pretty crap at poker, but he is the “smarter man” and he’ll read the situation to win. Focus, bitch, focus.

Of course Grimace starts yapping about why can’t the girls play? Picking the dumbest time to try and sound like she’s so down and low maintenance. Do you want something special at elimination, too, honey? Keep applying that lip gloss, sweetcheeks, and keep your piehole closed. No ones buying that you play poker anyway.

Is it more convincing if I apply the lip gloss before or after I pretend to want to play poker?

So casino time! The girls sit by the bar and the dealer informs they’re playing Texas Hold ‘em, the Poker standard. And first out is “Model”. The viewers at home get a scorekeeper on the screen so we can keep track. I have no clue what’s going on, even with the play by play. That’s not why I watch this crap. Scorp is a winner, then James is a winner and Chris and Orbi are out. And then it’s down to Zach, Scorp and James. Then, relative of a world champion poker player, Zach is out and it’s down to Scorp and James.

And suddenly Amanda shows up and informs everyone to put down their chips. They have to stop playing! Time is up and and she dramatically announces…James is the winner because he has more chips. What does he win you ask? Amanda won’t announce what the prize is until the next elimination ceremony, but you won’t have to wait long because that time is…NOW!

Finally we’re playing a real game! She rounds up the troops and they all head down in their fancy clothes to the elimination chairs. So James’s prize is that he cannot be eliminated. Our guests had something right. James picks first and is back to his old standby TD, surprising everyone. Including TD. Not me though. I totally saw that coming. She does not seem happy. “Model” starts crying. Dude, cry when your grandma dies, not when TD gets picked on Paradise Hotel. Man up.

Zoolander cried. I think. Or he would have.

Amanda seems to doubt James’s motivations, but James acts like it’s totally normal he’s picking TD. He’s chipper and chatty and totally obvious. Zach is up next and he is also immune from elimination. He loops around all the girls at a brisk clip and goes right for Biggie. Also saw that coming. He worked up a sweat walking over there. It’s dripping off his face. He doesn’t look like such a badass when he’s sweating balls. Biggie seems mighty pleased that he picked her, which hopefully means we’ll finally get some more action on this show. People are only being fake slutty these days. I want real slutty! That’s what we all signed on for.

Orbi is up and I am typing that he is picking Jersey before he even starts to take his stroll. He does. Jersey all the way, he says! Even Amanda acknowledges that the Jersey connection ain’t nothin’ to eff with.

And now it’s time to interrupt our scheduled elimination to address the fact that “Model” is bawling his eyes out. Amanda is all, hey why so down back there? And “Model” can’t even hold it back that he can’t believe James didn’t respect his and TD’s connection. TD didn’t want James back and he can’t believe all the scheming that must have occurred to make this happen! And finally Amanda is like STFU, baby. Let’s just see how this plays out.

“Models” are sensitive creatures.

Droppy Biscuit and Grimace are left, and of course Chris goes to Grimace and Scorp goes to Droopy Biscuit. Leaving “Model” up there to bawl his eyes out. For some reason he also feels incredibly betrayed by Chris, even though he really has no bond with Grimace whatsoever unless he counts that thirty second conversation they had today. The only other two girls to pick are Jersey and Droopy Biscuit and not even “Model” is that dumb. So he goes to Grimace.

So now our two boys are up against each other. And now “Model” is blaming Chris for this whole situation, blowing the bitchfest up to monumental proportions, ensuring no one in their right mind would pick him. Chris mentions James set this entire situation up and “Model” can only ask him if he lied to him like a nagging girlfriend. Grimace can’t pick Chris fast enough in my opinion. Grimace now has to say what she thinks of them and she says they’re both “sweethearts” (Girls like that always say that word.) but then mentions the rude comment “Model” made to her and says she and Chris bonded right away, so she picks Chris.

But the twists and turns never stop! And I think this is all an elaborate rouse to mock Grimace (I know Amanda hates her, too) because she’s not actually picking between them. Ha! She could have said that from the beginning, but it was pleasurable just to see her have to play out that awkward position. Now Grimace is all embarrassed.

Oopsie. But are my bangs in place?

So Amanda calls James up and in addition to immunity, he gets to be the one picking who goes home! He doesn’t miss a beat and sends Chris home in two seconds flat, leaving “Model” smiling like God himself rendered this swift justice. Although James does say “Take a seat, man” before “you’re going home”, realizing “take a seat” sounds like Chris is staying. Asshat.

Chris comes up for his exit speech (sooner than I imagined, when I mentioned his inevitable time earlier in the recap) and says he understands and is cool and then we get another bomb dropped on us. Chris isn’t going home alone. He has to pick one of the ladies to take with him. Damn, now these bitches are dropping like flies! It does seem like we’ve been in Paradise an awful long time, doesn’t it?

Chris can’t pick Biggie or TD (not that he would) because their partners are immune, so they are, too, by default. He tells Grimace she deserves more time there and it’ll come down to Droopy Biscuit and Jersey. We all know he’ll pick Jersey, but he gives a speech about picking this person because they said they weren’t there to play the game, so they’ll understand and not take it personally, blah blah blah and then he picks Jersey. And going with the theme of the night, Jersey is poker faced about the whole thing and says she was true to her moral character or some shit blah blah blah. She said she never played the game, which is a bald faced lie, but blah blah blah, no one has anything original to say when Amanda puts the good-bye hand on their shoulder.

You will all sound like sniveling sheep when I put you in my tractor beam.

Chris gives a round of hugs and Orbi tells him that he’s taking away their fun. That sounds like they did dirty things were her and I feel vaguely uncomfortable. Amanda said that it’s sad to see Jersey go and everyone gets all weepy. There’s talk of Philadelphia Eagles games. Sports teams bond for life, so wah. James says that he tried to save them when she comes up to him for a hug and Orbi seems especially mangled.

And then there were nine.

After elimination, everyone is surprised and devastated. James says he tried his best. “Model” said that he shouldn’t have been in the blind like that and and Scorp got his fire back saying Chris had to be taken out because he took two of his “best friends” AND he was here to play the game. No one should be there who wants to play the game! And “best friend”? First no nametag, now your calling her a friend. For shame, Scorp. RIP Hobag.

Droopy Biscuit is upset about the position she’s in because she feels that everyone is sad about those two leaving and want her to go instead. She does admit that James played the best move he had. TD is upset about the move though and feels a red flag was raised in her mind about James. James has his work cut out for him if he thinks he’s going to get her back on their side. TD is about loyalty and trust! She may have mentioned it once or twice over the past two and a half months. I can’t be for certain.

The boys debrief and Scorp says that Zach made a strategic move and that he clearly knows what’s going on. Biggie is the Switzerland of the bunch. Orbi for one definitely thinks that Zach is looking out for them because he digs them so much. Orbi also seems high all the time. Zach comes into the OG’s room and says that he steered clear of their girls to save them. Liar liar pants on fire. Zach then in his confessional says that his loyalties are still with Biggie and TD and that he’s glad Chris set things up for him. And then he announces that he likes Biggie, but he’s not romantically interested in her. Boo. More sluttiness, less strategy!

Less talk, more rock.

In Scorp and Droppy Biscuit’s room, they talk about how they get a little nervous about how hard James is playing the game. And this will set things up for next week. James thinks he’s the strong guy now, but what if his friends can’t take it anymore?

But then we learn that Biggie and Zach are open to a little arts and crafts! And they totally, definitely do it.

The most beautiful sight in paradise: The Bunched Heap

And that’s a nice note to leave on! So will anyone miss Chris or Jersey? It will feel a bit weird without her she’s been around so long, but she’s been a beeotch for a while now, so I can’t say I’ll be sad. And as for Chris, I told you he didn’t need to be wearing those big boy pants.

There were too many winners and losers this week for a simple Marry Boff Kill, but definitely kill “Model”. Ugh.

And next week RC is back to ravage our ears and it better be for one episode only because if not I don’t think I’ll have it in me to continue. Even in the one sentence he says in the upcoming scenes, my ears bleed a little. Is anyone else dreading this as much as I am? Any guesses on what havoc he’ll wreak?

Catch y’all next week in Paradise!

Love, Lady S.