Paradise Hotel: Digging Deep

Keep looking.

Have you ever wanted to watch a show where nothing actually happened? I know, I know. You’re saying that you already watch The Hills. But those people are on quaaludes compared to our Paradise Hotel guests. It’s so much more fun to watch nothing happen with aggressive, drunk people! At this stage of the game everyone is sunburnt and bitching, and now Raheim’s back, so you know there’s a lot of accusing, yelling, pontificating and absolutely no action. Luckily Lady Sensation is all about the action and is not a carrier of any STDs. So you best just get down with me.

It’s morning in Paradise, the sun is shining, the idiots are feeding. “We know why we’re here.” says TD, keeping this breaking news to herself.

Sexy Messenger delivers a note, but it doesn’t shed any light on this matter either. It says that tonight they have a Pandora’s Box. Fun! Hopefully the hotel asks some questions, because when the hotel asks questions, bitches go home.

Biggie and Biscuit admire Zach’s back in the pool, because there is truly nothing else to discuss. Birds and sunsets have already been riveting topics, so onto Zach’s anatomy! It’s crazy-looking! they say.

Chill, girls. Both of you ladies can touch my deltoids.

And it’s also time to discuss the sexual tension between Biggie and Zach. They play coy like there was no finger painting between them. Sluts! She said it was intense. Zach said they made out.

Scorp and James gossip about how PO-ed TD got when he picked her last night, but James got the glance of approval from Biscuit when he did it, so he knows he did the right thing. He’s full speed ahead to win this thing with Droopy Biscuit. Sure it was sad to see Jersey go and all, but now nothing will distract him from the Ultimate Prize!

And now Pandora’s Box already. Good move, PH. No inane lunches or pool chatter to distract us from an ultimate throwdown. James is up first and the question is for Grimace. With Chris gone, which guy do you relate to the most? She says, “I can’t rilly answer that questionnnnn” in her dumb-dumb voice. And James goes, “Well, that’s because the answer is nobody.” Ha! Scorp devolve into silent giggles and it’s funny, brah, but it ain’t that funny.

Remember that time Hobag was eliminated?? That shit was hilary!

Droopy Biscuit asks Orbi, “What are your thoughts on Grimace after she ragged on “Model” and then Chris was the one that left?” Ninja say what? Who cares about this dude’s thoughts on anything? Orbi is happy to comply though. He says that he wouldn’t trust her, but she had her reasons, so whatevs. But Grimace is not content with that diplomatic answer. Oh no. So now it’s time to get in a fight and Grimace tries to talk like she’s not fighting and doesn’t care but she totally does. She says that him being mad at her still shows his “true colors”. People love to throw around the expression “true colors” like it’s really hurtful. Like, we all saw you as this rarefied burnt sienna. But then it turned out you were just doo doo brown.

Scorp jumps in and starts yelling at her. Grimace is ganged up on and it’s a beautiful thing. He shouts at her that she’s on the “boiler plate”. Burn, bitch, burn!

“Stank cinnamon.”

Grimace asks the next question to Scorp, “Are the other girls worthy of being here?” And she busts a looks at him like she really got him with that one. So he looks at her back like she’s the biggest idiot evs and goes, Yeah, obviously, they’re worthy because they’re here. But, does he miss Hobag? Yeah, the two are not mutually exclusive. But again, not enough for Grims! So she’s like well, who would you have taken out if you were me, suddenly making this about her and how she’s the one that sent Hobag home. Scorp was like awesome question, put it in the box next time. Boo-yah. STFU. Then she has to justify herself all over again. At some point I stop hearing words and just nasal yammering.

And enough of that thank god. But the joy is short-lived because then we get a voiceover of RC saying, “This is definitely going to be historic.” Whatever. If by historic you mean irritating and irrelevant. He introduces himself to Zach and Grimace and then cue montage of him being annoying. He reads a planted question that’s actually rhetorical. “Why do you think I’m here?” Stunned silence! Then he announces that he’s not here to play games, but he will be here until next elimination. And that’s all he can say for now. Dear god, please take, like, five of them with you. Please tell me that’s what your here for.

Does his shirt say “90th percentile in scoring”???

As you can see I’m in the 90th percentile of ass clownery.

Time for the drinky! The OGs jump all over RC like monkeys and RC and James tongue. Droopy Biscuit is a little nervous, because she was the one that actually sent him home. RC proposes a toast to a drama-free night and that tomorrow they’ll figure everything out. Let’s see how that plays out.

I finally can be myself with you now that Hobag ain’t around.

Not everyone has lodged themselves up RC’s a-hole however. Zach for one is worried, because he doesn’t know RC’s agenda. Biggie is nervous because of that pesky Pandora’s Box blow-up that one time. Don’t worry. RC doesn’t seem like the type to hold a grudge at all. And so much for that drama-free night. RC is high off all the attention and won’t stop yapping and my eardrums are begging for mercy. The group gathers around like homeless people to a trash can fire, and he goes on and on about how he’s here to do a job. He says that he didn’t play “any hands” the last few days he was here. He was testing everyone’s loyalty. Oh, so you practically chose to go. So maybe by “historic” you meant “trying to make history sound like you didn’t get kicked out hard”. Then he spouts out that he’s mad at TD. He expected her to trust him. At least he’s saying that to her face! She loves it in the face!

Zach and Grimace talk about how people totally did him dirty and this is bringing him and Grimace together. The smartest thing for him to do is to act like he doesn’t like her. Huh? He said that because she’s on the outside, he can be cool with her and that he’s in with her because they all think he’s in with them? Huh? Basically Zach’s playing everyone and Grimace is up next. Moving on.

Exactly.

TD and Biggie have skulked off to discuss the fall from grace they’ve had with RC, but then put two and two together by figuring that RC hates them and they were the two he roomed with. Eureka! To sleep in bed with a Scorpio is to gain a lifelong enemy. I said that recap uno. Biggie is actually the brains of this operation. She gets TD to rally. They’re not going to run with their tails between their legs just because they had the misfortune of sharing sheets with a scorpio and now said scorpio has power for the week. They’re going to walk proud and take a shot. Nothing says dignity like a tequila shot at the paradise bar. You message will be clear.

And as they come up the stairs, James and RC greet them, rather cordially. RC calls TD sexy and James paws Biggie and talks about how much he loves her. Desperate times call for ever more desperate ploys at acceptance and validation.

So Droopy Biscuit and James go off to do a breakdown and insecure James still thinks Biscuit might go to Scorp if push came to shove. They’re both on the same page of loyalty for the moment, but Biscuit doesn’t like how he’s going against his friends. James is starting to turn off the Droopy Biscuit. At the bar, Zach, “Model” and Biscuit talk about the incident where he sold Orbi down the river. And the Droopster just can’t even believe that shizznit, and even vents about it the next morning at breaky to the girls. James, you are about to get a Paradise bitch-slap.

After breakfast RC is chillaxing by the pool and excited that he is “home” in Paradise and that his stay is short, but the impact will be long-lasting. Yes, till the end of May most likely.

See this tube of SPF. I’m gonna make an impression on this thing that lasts a long time.

And remember that episode where Droopy Biscuit said she would never get involved with any drama? “Mark her words” and all that. Yeah, well, that’s long forgotten because this bitch can’t keep her damn trap shut. Now she remembers all the bad things James said about RC. So do we actually and so do they because they screamed at each other in their little lovers’ spats every single night and they tongued in the morning. But she is determined to now stir some pots.

RCC is going to have one-on-one convos with each person while he’s there and I can only imagine we have to hear them all.

Sexy Messenger arrives and the note says that everybody has to pack their bags because it’s elimination night to night. Heck yeah! Take a boy and a girl! Let’s pick up the pace a bit around these parts.

I can’t see y’all skanks get outta here fast enough.

So after lunch it’s time for Droopy Biscuit and RC’s special alone time, but not before we get a little talk from James about how confident he is that he’ll make it through this elimination. Pride goeth and whatevs. Back in Special Alone Time, Biscuit says that she wanted things to play out differently between them. Like, so sorry about sending you packing back to Long Island where you cruise around in neighborhoods looking for people to look at you. And now it’s time for Biscuit to become just another little Paradise yapper. Whatever happened to honor among thieves with these people? She just sings like a canary about all the things James told her late at night. Oh, Droopy Pants, your attempt to make up for sending RC home is muy pathetic. Now she just doesn’t even want to win. Please.

This is James imagined as Arsenio Hall as interpreted by me.

That really sucked.

RC says he was blindsided by this James development and doesn’t know what he’s going to do. He is hurt and betrayed and poor RC feels so abandoned and confused. How can he make his long-lasting impact with a clear heart and mind now? So now it’s time to talk to Scorp and James. He says that tonight’s decision will be based on loyalty. He asks them point blank if they ever wanted to get rid of him and they both say no.

You sure about that? Don’t tell me I just suffered through that really shitty impression for nothing.

Next up is Biggie and RC’s talk and they clear up their situation. Biggie said that just because she hooked up with Orbi didn’t mean that she wasn’t loyal to him. Biggie also says that James would send him home in a second, even though she isn’t friends with Biscuit, nor does she know what’s going on with that. So it must be true. She also just lets it all hang out and says she would pick Zach over James, because James is such a desperate game player. And the sadness in RC’s eyes is clear. His lover would step over his dead body to reach the Ultimate Prize. Biggie is happy and she and RC cleared up their issues and things genuinely seem better between them. This inexplicably makes me happy. How did I too fall for the Biggie Doll cat eyes?

I hate when they remind us how far we’ve fallen.

And now it’s time for Biscuit to lay down the law with James. She spills the beans about everything she said to RC and says that she couldn’t pick him because she feels like he’s deceptive and is playing the game “too hard”. Is there some paradise playing-the-game meter we don’t know about? And it’s all good when we’re in a yellow, but when someone gets to an orange they’ve gotta be taken out? Now Biscuit has completely ruined his sunbathing sesh. He is absolutely miserable, though he says he’s cool and announces that he going home and Droopy Biscuit agrees. Sayonara! I can only hope!

I saw RC with the SPF and I will have him know that no one will make a longer lasting impact with SPF than me.

Off on to his next interview TD and RC rap and it turns out RC isn’t mad at her after all. He’s just “collectively” upset with the group. RC is collective? You know, Contestants of Paradise, we don’t expect you to be smart. It’s a lot of pressure for you to feel like you have to prove some modicum of intelligence and I assure you, we don’t expect it from you, nor do we particularly want it from you. So how bout you just stop and we’ll all feel a lot better?

Anyway, back to this private time, RC says that he knows that TD did what she had to do. TD says that he never talked to her in his final days and came to her. He never talked to her face! TD likes it in the face! How many times do we have to say it?

And now it’s time for the final talk between RC and James. RC is hurt . James is panicked. RC says that James has backed himself into a corner and that no one trusts him, everybody thinks he’s fake, and that he’s made RC look like an idiot (most importantly of course). James tries to defend himself, his voice cracking as he tries to choke back the tears. It’s falling on deaf ears, because like a true dysfunctional love, RC informs him that James has blown it with the world, and the best chance he has is to try and make it up to HIM because no one will love him but HIM. It’s really quite beautiful.

Please take me back. I promise I’ll just say I fell down the stairs.

James is feeling all kinds of anger, pain, confusion and screwed. He goes to TD and tells her that he has no one to go to and TD agrees politely. James goes to the boys and talks to them about his situation and tries to make himself feel better. He is pretty sure that he’ll be gone, but if by any chance all three of them are there, then it’ll be a tequila night. Oh, let him stay. A good Paradise Hotel contestant always thinks of drinking even in the most critical moments. He has earned his position as a guest. Orbi adds that there’s no way in hell all three of them will be there tonight. Always the sage philospher. And a final toast to the OGs. It couldn’t come soon enough.

So moment of truth. Our group gathers around the elimination chairs and finally gets to hear why RC is here. But it’s not clear yet. Amanda just slyly asks him who he thinks the most trustworthy person in Paradise is. He responds that Scorp is, so Scorp comes and stands beside Amanda.

I’ll say you can trust me. Trust me not to wear a nametag!

Next question who do you think is the least trustworthy. And this is hard for him, because today things came to light that blindsided him, so he has to say James. That must be a bitter pill to swallow, consoles Amanda. James says that he deserves it though. Like a little dysfunctional bitch, he says he deserves the kick to the balls RC just gave him.

But Amanda says that by getting chosen by RC this means THEY get to choose who goes home. Huh? That’s RC’s power? LAME. He didn’t even know what he was here for. And all that drama and the two people he would have picked at the beginning of the episode would be those same two.

So Scorp’s job is to send home a man. He is visibly not happy, but easily sends “Model” home. “Model” doesn’t cry, thank jesus, but comes up to Amanda and says that he should have sent Zach home since he’s known Scorp for longer. Scorp genuinely feels bad and is sweating bullets. Does paradise get hotter at night? These people never look like greased pigs when the sun is actually out.

James is up next to send one of the ladies home and Amanda graciously gives him the option of sending himself home, thereby saving one of the ladies from being eliminated. But magnanimous James insists that the damage must be repaired and of course it can’t be done by sending himself home! So stay he must! How noble.

We’d all like to see him send Grimace home, and that’s really the only thing he could do to justify his continued presence there, but now that things are on the fritz with Biscuit will she get the ax? But no! James really is here to make amends and sends Grimace packing! YESSSSS!!! He says that it’s not an obvious choice because he was hurt by someone today, but he has to take out the person that doesn’t fit. Grimace, peace out. And Grimace is pissed. She gets up there and says that it’s gonna bite him in the “f*cking ass” and karma this and that. No, bitch. Your karma for ridding us of Hobag, the last vestige of entertainment on this season. Move on.

Let me just grimace for a sec.

Now I’m going to allow words to come out of my mouth while still in full grimace.

Here’s what my caterpillars have to say about that.

And now I’m going to fix my hair, talk about karma, and try to flip a sly bird. But really I just want to fix my hair.

And now RC has to say his second final goodbyes. Bye, skedaddle outta here, loser. And all three OGs are still there afterall. Tequila night!

Marry, Boff, Kill. Winner: Scorp, Losers: Grimace and “Model”, Most Annoying: James

Kill the losers, boff James, marry Scorpio. Some people never learn.

So next week it’s a “special roommate selection”, but it’s hard to be excited about any of these people winning. Where are the true underdogs to root for? Where is the genuine animosity between two factions like The Barbies v. The Yahtzees? One good and one blindingly evil. Paradise is truly lost.

But at least we have fun each week! I genuinely always look forward to our time together.

Loves!

xoxo, Lady S.