Paradise Hotel: Instant Karma

I can’t believe Nick married Mariah.

I know you’ve been agonizing over why Grimace is back in your life and I just want to assure you that you did nothing to deserve this. We’ve all been good souls, dedicated and watching dutifully, so what did we do to merit this face again? I for one have been bringing my spiritual A-game to the world and feel wrongfully smote by God. But our time in Paradise Hotel is almost over and in spite of all, I will really miss you all. I’m a masochist like that.

The remaining six hotel guests are all dining together this morning and amusing themselves by putting napkins on their heads. You would think they would be going insane with only cloth squares to play with, but no! They are happy with their Final Six! Everyone is getting along and loves the toys Amanda leaves out for them.

Peek-a-boo! OMG, I could play this all day.

Sexy messenger comes along though to bust that good napkin fun up. And SM’s headbands are back so Bisky must have washed ‘em real good. The message says that they are ONE STEP CLOSER to the Ultimate Prize. A prize which will no doubt be so underwhelming, we will pee our pants laughing at how worked up they’ve gotten over it.

But now in order to get another step closer, they’ll have to vote for one person to have the power to eliminate another couple. You can’t vote for yourself or your roommate. No one is happy about this. “Absolutely insane” is Biggie’s take. That’s what I said about that Austrian father who locked his daughter in a dungeon, but maybe there’s another use of the expression. Because in this case I would have said something like, “Completely predictable.”

Anyhoo, this just puts our gang in a pickle. You could wind up voting for the person who’ll send you home. DOH! Ryan insists that he’s just going to continue not playing the game and TD and Biggie want to relax by putting on masks and getting in the bathtub.

Hey, turn around. Who’s got the napkin on her head now, girl?

Zach asks Orbi if he wants to go in the pool because he needs something to do. Yes, go into the pool and do nothing. Doing nothing is much better when you are wet.

You know, being wet is just as boring, dude.

They do discuss some red flags that have come up about Biscuit. Everybody but Scorp has an eye out on her. She’s a “game-player” now. At some point she converted to a game-playing pod person and now she’s looking for victims to turn. Sleep with one eye open.

Biscuit stills plays innocent to Scorp though. She seems harmless, but never trust a person with no neck. Biscuit tells Scorp that there’s no way she wants to leave today. Those previous days, sure, but now. Hell to the no. So who to vote for? They agree they can’t vote for TD and Biggie because they’ll keep each other around and that would be HORRIBLE. Again an adjective I used for Austrian Father.

And I’d like to bring your attention to this:

Black eyes, tightie whities.

WTF happened to Zach’s eye? Did Biggie accidently hit him with her giant tetas? Seriously. There could be a backstory on this that’s a hundred times more interesting than anything that’s happened all season. Eyes don’t just turn back. Even if he fell on a chair drunk, I’d lurve to see a clip. Paradise, Paradise. Droppin’ the ball.

TD and Orbi don’t think they can trust Scorp because of the bond that he and Zach have after Hobag’s letter. Basically no one is looking out for these two. TD butted heads with Biscuit, so they’re not safe with them. TD phrases it in a way I’ve never heard before, when asking who he would pick.

Do you think Scorp will be overcome with a sudden, miraculous speech disorder?

But let’s get down to business. The votes are in and no more hemming and hawing. I likes this new attitude. Amanda is here to be the harbinger of some couple’s doom.

The pallbearers.

Well she’s not bringing the certain doom quite yet, but she loves to be ominous about it all. Someone WILL be betrayed and stabbed in the back and lose their chance at the ULTIMATE PRIZE.

And it’s a THREE WAY TIE. Some stealth camera action gives away the votes! TD has two votes (from Biggie and Zach, neither of whom can spell her name), Biggie (from TD and Orbi), and Orbi (from Bisky and Zach). But this problem is easily solved because TD and Orbi are a couple and would be deciding together anyway. Of course! So together they have to decide who goes. By tonight. Orbi reminds us this is like the fifth one he’s done and is inexplicably popular. But nobody is excited. Neither the deciders nor the decidees. Somehow Paradise is gonna make this suck for everybody.

Biscuit goes on about how not excited she is that her fate is in someone else’s hands. Biscuit doesn’t think this bodes well for her and Scorp. Zach doesn’t know what to think because Orbi is close with Scorp and they are close with TD. The votes are split.

Orbi and TD go off to discuss and they are figuring out who they would rather go up against. They are at an impasse. It would be a no-brainer if Scorp and Biggie were a couple, since those are the two they like. Zach has had a lot of chances and Droopy Biscuit is a droopy biscuit game-playing pod person. Keeping Scorp around though could be shooting themselves in the foot…so what to do, what to do. And if it comes down to a vote at the end, then the people they vote off will certainly not vote for them. Paradise pretty much fucks you any way you look at it.

Use your third eye, young sadhu. It’s aglow with intuition!

So now in some kangaroo court, the couples dress up all official and come plead their cases to the judges. Scorp and Biscuit are up first. Biscuit says that she and TD have been through a lot, making their fights sound like they brought them closer. And then, natch, she plays the virgin card, saying that who woulda thunk it, the little virgin coming all this way? Oh that is wearing thin, my no-neck friendo. She adds that she loves Orbi. Scorp plays up the Orbi love, too, and says that he and Orbi are inseparable. He asks them to use your “heart” in making the decision, not their game-playing minds and that if they do he’ll respect their decision. Unless they don’t pick him, then he won’t respect them.

When the next two come up, Orbi inexplicably tells Zach and Biggie that they look great. A Brooks Brothers button-down and the girl you rejected? You’re not the one kissing ass today, dude.

Seriously. That shirt is sharp.

It’s gonna be hard for you to listen to what I’m saying with this awesomely ironed shirt distracting you, but just hear me out.

So Zach’s case for himself is to just throw Biscuit under the bus and say that she’s not trustworthy. Only Bret Michaels thinks trash-talking someone else makes you more trustworthy. Here you’re “playing the game”. Biggie just says that there’s really not much to say. Damn straight. Thank god someone doesn’t talk much around here.

Sooo, that sesh was super helpful. They still have no clue. It’s either his friend or her friend that goes. And look who decided to not wear shoes? And pick his cracked heels. No wonder he thought Zach looked so sharp.

Do you think he was quietly judging me?

And tonight we get an elimination ceremony mid-point! I lurve elimination ceremonies. I get a special pleasure seeing someone get sent packing. On any show. I realized recently that I really only like shows when someone gets eliminated at the end and a few brain cells then offed themselves in despair.

When they get up to the elimination chairs (I really will miss those) Amanda asks Orbi to talk about his relationship to Scorp and then forces TD to love on Biggie, underscoring the dilemma. And they literally play romantic piano music for these soliloquies. Oh, Amanda. You have a nuanced understanding of dramatic effect.

The tension is agonizing. Scorp whispers “It’s okay, baby” to Biscuit which is exactly what he said to Hobag when she got eliminated. That diminishes their relationship in my mind. I do not approve of the use of that expression with the neckless virgin. RIP Hobag.

So after a tense commercial break, we finally learn who they chose. “Me and Ryan” chose Scorp and Biscuit to go home. And Amanda immediately launches into her Barbara Walters thing, saying they’ve all been there since the very beginning, it’s all so HARD. Then she asks what was going through their heads and Orbi just says he can’t talk he’s so mangled. That’s right. STFU at these emotional moments. Cue the piano music now, your heartless wench!

What? No banter now, surfer boy?

But Amanda will get something from Scorp and Biscuit. Switch seats and get on up here! These two are ready to dish. Scorp thought what they had was “real”, but they both saw this coming. She eggs them on saying that Orbi always said he wasn’t playing the game. Biscuit says that if we’re the biggest competition then you compete. Yeah, they did compete and their move was to take you out. Dumb ass. Orbi pulls his hair over his face in shame. They go on and on about how betrayed they feeled. They eliminated their buddies! Amanda crows, rubbing salt in everyone’s fresh wounds. Amanda is doing nothing to help out the poor people that had to make this excruciating decision. They were fucked either way. But at least we got the piano going now.

I was just so blinded by that shirt.

But good news for Biscuit and Scorp. They don’t leave tonight. They have one last role to play and…”they won’t be playing it alone”. And now the annoying half of the show begins. I was genuinely feelin’ the first half, but alas. All the rejects come down the stairs: James, Jersey, “Model”, Chris and Grimace. Why no Hobag?? Why no Nate? Chelsea? Johnny Bravo? I don’t like this. Hobag deserves to be there more than GD Grimace.

Tomorrow they all will be deciding who will win the Ultimate Prize. You might want to go hit the bar, hints Amanda. Yes, please encourage them to get drunk and belligerent.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the Paradise Think Tank.

Yes, that’s the judge and jury. We see that Orbi literally sweated bullets all over himself when he takes off his jacket.

Is it better to sweat uniformly or in patches? Let’s toss that over to our think tank.

And now everyone goes up to the bar for a reunion. Biscuit is crying and Chris consoles her. Orbi is happy to see Jersey. But overall TD and Orbi now feel miserable. Orbi has to lie on his bed with his bare feet he feels so miserable. And normally being in his bare feet makes him so happeeee!

Biscuit and Scorp go to their room and debrief. She can’t get over how hurt she feels and she’s boo-hooing. If she’d had sex ever and engaged in an adult relationship she’d know actual emotional pain, not this Paradise synthetic pain. No one else cried when they were offed, except Hobag and she was crying because she was losing sex! Don’t you see, Biscuit? Sex is worth crying over. Nothing else.

She says that her best friend just tore something out of her hand. This bitch sounds more and more like a kid I would nanny for. Scorp amends her speech by saying “He didn’t tear something out of my hand. He tore something out of my chest.” Oooh. Whatta burn. Yeah, that’s what I mean, says Biscuit. Whatever.

And then we hear Grimace’s valley cackle ringing through the air. She and “Model” are telling TD that when you leave Paradise you leave that night. Ha! I love that they waste no time getting those bitches outta there. I actually did think they went to a holding room a few resorts down.

In the corner, James is still trying to play the game from the coffin. He asks Biggie if she would have picked him that night and he was this close to picking her, this and that, blah blah blah. She of course indulges him saying that she might have. But no way. It’s a thought, but not really.

I could have sweat circles around that mofo. Look at me, dude.

And now James is coming after TD. James really thinks that he would still be here now if he’d gone to Biggie. If only TD hadn’t LIED to him about being in it with him. (Which I don’t think she did. She always seemed noncommittal about James.) But now everyone has ruined his chances at the Ultimate Prize. Except him. He is just an innocent amongst a sea of liars.

He saunters up to the bar and tells TD that Biggie said he would have picked him and he could STILL BE HERE! TD is all, Say what? And when Biggie is called to question she says that she told him it was A THOUGHT. And James simmers down since she never did say she would have picked him. You know why she didn’t say she would have picked you, ass hat? Because she WOULDN’T HAVE.

But now TD is pissed off at Biggie because she feels she just said that to get on James’s good side, which it probably was, but he went up to her, panting like a puppy dog. TD is taking her anger to Grimace which can only mean annoyance and irritation for everyone.

…I’m gonna make a complete fool of myself. Believe you me. That third eye is gone, sister.

And then Orbi and Scorp have a lovers’ quarrel. Scorp says he was wrong to do that. What happened to you saying that you respected his decision? He says he was misled. He sounds like a Rock of Love ho. Orbi tells him not to get in his face. Another blunder! Scorp says that was inappropriate to say that to him about getting in his face and storms off. He really hopes that’s the tequila talking. I’ll go out on a limb and say that tequila has been the one doing the talking since the get-go.

And Jersey is pissed, too. Everybody’s got an ax to grind and, by god, they’re going to grind it hard. So Jersey is mad in a quite passive-aggressive fashion with James. She hears that James was celebrating when she left and wants to know what that’s about. And she wants everyone to know what that’s about.

James has alibis though. Scorp insists that James did cry with him in the bathroom. James is definitely a crier, but come on, where’s the footage? I demand footage of tears before I buy what you’re selling. He then asks who the source was that said he was so happy and it was…Grimace. “That’s a great source,” says James, which in this instance, actually plays. Yes, check your source indeed. A girl under twenty-five that paints her face like a tranny hooker and can’t manage a genuine smile and cares more about raping the MAC counter than people? Not who you want to cite.

James and Grimace fight and I mute it. He asks her questions but doesn’t let her answer so they just start shouting over each other. Was he happy when Jersey left? Was he or was he not taking shots? Which one needs to grow up? James dismisses her by saying that she should just go put on some make-up and calls her a “short bitch”. Ha. Here is a Grimace play-by-play:

When I squint my eyes at you, do they look more or less crossed?

Grimace and point to the right.

Grimace and point to the left.

Now with an eye roll.

And the requisite hair fix completes our journey.

All the guys are saying that James was not happy when Jersey left, but who really gives a rat’s ass? That is the most provocative question raised all night.

James says that if she were a dude, he would hit her. Is that a threat of physical violence or just a hypothetical musing? Someone needs to get kicked out if we really want this to be a party. He should hit her anyway.

And the fighting continues. TD is on a rampage with the Biggie thing. She tells Zach about the James/Biggie exchange. And of course says that she told James she WOULD have picked him over Zach. Zach says that he’s a bad person to get heated. I say get heated! Let’s bring back some of the magic of Paradise 2003!

Next fight: BFFs Biggie and TD. TD says that she thought she were friends, but she should have picked Biscuit. The problem with TD’s fighting is that she always accuses the other person of doing exactly what she’s doing. It would be pretty fascinating to watch, except her voice is rivaled only by Grimace’s in annoyance. Biggie tells TD that she’s actin’ crazy and TD continues to attack Biggie saying that she is raising her voice and disrespecting her, which isn’t what the fight’s about, but TD loves to come back to that time and time again. TD is yelling at Biggie to stop yelling. It’s like the Biscuit-Alphabutt fight revisited. Oh, TD. Another small blonde friend alienated.

Kiss me, you fool.

Next fight: Then Zach and Grimace go at it. I’m tired of transcribing fights, but suffice it to say that after they yell for what seems like forever, “Model” tries to interrupt them hollerin’ at Zach about knowing how to treat a lady and sounds exactly like a dog-barking. Exactly. It’s would also be fascinating if it weren’t damaging to your nervous system. So Chris steps in and it’s a mess and I’m texting my friend, so I don’t really know what’s being said. I don’t think it matters though.

Southern Hospitality

Finally people go pass out or they lose their voices or something, but thank god the hour is almost up. How many pointless fights did we have this episode? TD and Orbi talk about what votes they need to get. They say they have Grimace, James and “Model” in their camp. We shall see if that actually pans out for them. TD is hell-bent on alienating everyone in her path.

And last fight, just when you thought the coast was clear: Zach and Biggie are fighting now over the James thing. He says he was true to her and how could she say that? She finally tells him it was a way to get a vote and he should be happy and he realizes what she’s saying makes sense. Especially when she adds, everyone hated him so why would I pick someone to room with that everyone hated? Ah, when insecure people get drunk. Biggie pretty much sums it up when she says they should be celebrating instead of fighting. Word ‘em up. I like it better when you’re all happy and slutty.

Next week there’s more grilling and twisting and turning and our time in Paradise will come to an end. Who will win the Ultimate Prize and what will It be???

So, is any one going to miss this show? Who do you think will win? Does anyone actually care?

Well, I for one, love y’all and appreciate you sticking it out with me.

Next week will hopefully be sensational!

xoxo, Lady S.