Paradise Hotel: The Government Collapses

I mean “Government”.

Hi, everyone! Did you know that Lady Sensation lives in a time warp? And in this time warp this recap is not only on time, but early! Yes, it’s great to be delusional. I could be one of our Paradise Hotel contestants. Anyway, enough about me. Let’s slather on that SPF and kick it in our favorite banana republic!

Johnny Bravo offers to be the Cabana Boy so he can stay in Paradise and hang with the cool kids.

So as usual the party is just getting started and people are already stupid and belligerent. RC tells Chris to not leave any stains in his room. Geez, TMI, dude. So it looks like there are grudges after all. RC bitches to Biscuit about how Chris can’t pick his roommate. “That’s like attacking the United States of America and you’re…Taiwan.” If there were a drinking game, involving shots for every stupid military/government metaphor out of this asshat’s mouth, we would all black out and piss out our livers.

Biscuit tells him that she won’t be involved in any drama. Good for you, girl. If by drama you mean sex.

TD is excited to have Aaron as a roommate. Everyone thinks he’s really sweet, but no one suspects him of strategizing. He feels “blessed”. Mainly because he gets to play on pools toys with blonde blow up dolls. God really does answer prayers!

Those kids can make sex toys out of anything.

RC throws out some empty threats to Chris telling him that it’s going to be a long couple of nights, blah blah blah. He tells Chris that someone should have told him he was the “Secretary of Defense”. Yeah, no one heard it the first thousand times. Jesus H. Chris says that he’s not thinking like that and doesn’t worry about things he can’t control, but RC said he could have prevented that by where he walked. RC not capable of understanding Chris was talking about his juvenile response to everything. When Biggie leaves, RC says that that’s good. “it’s man talk, you don’t want to be here for this”.

The congressmen taking their leader seriously.

RC blares on about how they’ve already trashed the room in four minutes. “It’s never looked like this!” He screams. Then he talks about taking his “royal scepter” but then decides to leave it as a placeholder. He even comes out into the common area and screams at them about HIS room this, HIS room that. I almost fast forward to the end of this show to see if he leaves, because if he doesn’t I don’t think I’m capable of watching this episode or any subsequent episode featuring him and HIS sense of entitlement and HIS complete fucktardery.

Apparently the royal scepter is a roll of wrapping paper.

Chris nonchalantly eats handfuls of popcorn and tells him not to take it personally. RC continues some scorpio passive aggressiveness by telling him that Chris is the one taking it personally. Chris is handling it pretty well. I never knew eating popcorn should be such an awesome F-U to someone yelling at you. Seriously. It’s kind of great.

Hey douchebag, I can’t hear you over this handful of popcorn.

Luckily the rest of the guests throw down. Orbi and Biggie are back in the shower and everyone is watching. Are there no full doors at this place? There’s a lot of miming and signaling and spying going on. Our drunk super sleuths all get busted though.

Fringe doors actually serve as an instructional tool.

OMG!! That’s how it’s done?!?

Hold up. Biggie has a grill? Her teeth are perfect!

Afterwards, Scorp tries to give RC scorp some advice to just play when the hand he’s dealt, but RC informs him that that’s not part of the scorpio nature.

Later that night, Orbi, Jersey and Biscuit talk about roommate strategies and Bisky says that only her, Jersey and Hobag should ever room with him. Orbi agrees.

In Chris and Biggie’s room, Biggie says that it took balls to do what he did. “Incredibly nice, large balls”. Power really gets girls going, just ask the Mystery Method. No conclusive evidence that they fingerpainted, but they did kiss and he appeared to mount her in some fashion. RC gives a ridiculous confessional “thanking” Chris for snapping him out of his funk. He’s just loving that someone tried to attack him, because it’s filled with him with vim and vigor. He’s now recharged and refocused! And he wishes Chris all the best during his stay in the ‘Dise. Aw, you shouldn’t have. Chris doesn’t threaten Biggie so she’s loving life herself. It’s amazing how much better you sleep when no one is psychologically violating you.

And…RC and Johnny Bravo share a bed!

Still annoying even in slumber.

James is starting to think RC is in trouble. RC says that Chris challenged him talking about “where’s he’s from”, but all footage shows the exact opposite. Chris eats popcorn, RC talks about him being from a small third world country. James and Biscuit talk about how she’s RC’s only option at this point because everyone else will leave him out in the cold. RC doesn’t like how James isn’t “playing the game” with him now that he’s into Jersey.

And speaking of, how is our couple, you ask? Alas it turns out that Jersey just wants to be friends with James. James doesn’t get it, not getting the hint that if a girl is spotting you in your workout, she’s already relegated you to friend category.

Get RC on James’s back and I might have something to write home about.

Orbi doesn’t feel threatened by the two new guys and of course is totally down to make new friends! And…I’m starting to like this guy. He really IS laid back. Even if he doesn’t open his eyes all the way. And I guess it figures because the person he is named after (Orbi, Roy Orbison’s son, that was on Vh1′s The Rock Life) was my favorite member of Whitestarr when I watched it this summer. And it was partly because his eyes were always half-mast and he seemed like the most fun and amiable recipient of a lobotomy ever. There really is something to that.

In the name of Roy Orbison, Jr, I take it back. I totally get it.

Uncanny, right? (And I bet you didn’t recognize Cisco Adler with clothes on, did ya?)

Hobag, Chris and Biscuit do a cheer spelling out “Dick” for some inexplicable reason.

You ain’t got nothin’ to cheer about, sister.

The girls all like the new guys, although I think people just like everyone not named “Raheim”. I know I do. And the new guys love each other! They’re already dropping the “L” word. RC realizes he’s in trouble because he’s the only one obviously trying to work the strategy angle constantly. RC knows the new guys are but not as blatantly or as obnoxiously.

And tonight is Pandora’s Box and James has slicked his hair back again for the occasion. Orbi is up first and reads a question for Johnny Bravo, who gives his us his best nobody’s home face. Why are you isolating yourself now that the new guys are here? Um, since when has anyone cared about JB and what he does? I think he wrote this to himself so he could feel relevant. Hey, JB, where’d you go, dawg? It’s not the same without you swinging your nuts and berries over the breakfast table. The group TOTES miss that shizznit! Get back on it. Are you feeling down? How can we help? He says that it might be his last week there so he’s just trying to enjoy Paradise in his own special way.

I’ve seen smarter faces on bunny rabbits.

JB asks Biggie if she is “intimidated by RC’s presence”. God, I wish we could know who asked these asshat questions. I bet RC asked that. These people just ask about themselves. Biggie says that he attempted to intimidate her with “strategy” and “game” talk and what not, but that she doesn’t care if she’s in the government anymore. And with that she secedes from The Union.

And Scorpio II is all over it. But, how did I intimidate you? RC asks. Biggie calls him out on telling her not to get too close to the new guys because he has jealousy issues. Biggie says that he has issues with being right all the time and just says you’re right, you’re right to shut him up. Play dead, girl. That’s really all you can do. Then he makes a comment saying that guys have been too much in her crotch and not her mind. It’s quite rude.

And here’s my visual, bitch.

Biggie Dolls with grills not afraid to get ghetto on your ass.

When Hobag says it’s gone too far, it’s gone too far.

Hobag says that it was wrong and he shouldn’t have said that. RC backpedals and says he never would have not given the new guys a chance. Then he says that he’s never had anything against the new guys and completely denies saying that he has jealousy issues. And he says that Biggie is ABSOLUTELY a liar. Biggie is pissed. Biggie has a good line about him not being able to handle this question when it is suggested they move on and RC comes back saying that he is ready to go all night, but the group overrules. Thankfully.

TD asks all the women in paradise. Who would they like to see leave Paradise tonight? And with that question Amanda suddenly appears with an arm around TD’s shoulder to clear up the confusion. Apparently “The Hotel” has decided to place a question in the box tonight. Figures that the only good question came from a building.

On behalf of the hotel, I’d like to announce you all ask stupid questions.

Pandora’s Box is now a “ballot box”. Yeah! The girls are going to to vote for who they want to go home and the guys each give a little speech on why they want to stay. No one really has much to say. RC just says he doesn’t have any hard feelings if they send him home. Who is not going to vote for him?

The girls get to circle the name making it as easy as possible. And then Amanda tallies the votes. HOLY HELL THEY VOTED OFF JOHNNY BRAVO. How close was this vote? This sucks. I don’t want to watch this anymore. I’m so depressed. Johnny exits with a little “my time to go” speech and does a flip for Orbi. I’m still waiting to see Orbi’s dance, all these little inside jokes we don’t get to be a part of.

So after this shocking incident, everyone hits the bar and I shed a tear for having at least twenty more minutes with this douchebag, if not another episode. Hobag keeps it real though and tells us that she doesn’t think she was true to herself. She said that Johnny was annoying, but she made a decision based on other people. She saw someone else’s “true colors” and feels bad. Me, too, girl. At least Johnny didn’t make bad civil government metaphors.

Then RC pulls the boys aside and says that James and Scorp didn’t defend him. He said that they didn’t say anything when his “character” was challenged. James tries to tell him that they girls do get scared of him when he drinks. Of course, RC gets touchy, moody, defensive. This is painful. He talks about “playing the game” some more.

Man love is just as hard as regular dating, dude. How many times do I have to tell you?

There is a weird exchange between Biggie and Chris were Biggie says that she has to get in the pool urgently and adds she’s horny, like the pool will help with that. I don’t get the little vignettes like this. The pool makes them act weird.

The new guys, TD and Biggie all strategize. And Chris is emerging as the new RC, which Scorp totally calls. Chris wants to get rid of Jersey and Hobag. And Scorp. Dayum. Who does he think he is?

At lunch the next day, we get the Sexy Messenger with an envelope for Chris. Roommate selection night. Bisky feels bad about the tension with the boys. Especially with RC because she can tell he thinks he’s going home. Oh, poor RC. The new guys like Bisky, but they think she might need to go home, too. She tells Chris that people are scheming and backstabbing and he plays dumb.

The guys pack and Scorp waxes exhausted about what a tough week it’s been. He also tells us that he doesn’t have all the answers, even though EVERYONE comes to him with their problems. And then he graciously admits that he doesn’t have all the answers. But he wishes he did. So he could help everyone. Bisky cries about how she’s everyone’s second choice. And that she wishes it were a girls’ elimination so she could just go him.

I’m just one scorpio. How can I be expected to cause all the psychological damage in the world?

TD giggles at the new guys because it’s their first elimination. Oh, TD you know everything. Everyone thinks Chris needs to watch himself with RC. Aaron says that he hasn’t been in the game for fourteen days. Huh? They’ve only been there 14 days? I’ve been there for six damn weeks. I really do exist in a time warp.

I wanna be Alphabutt.

RC says they should have gotten rid of Chris last night to Jersey. Jersey doesn’t want to see him go home? WTF? They need to watch the dailies with Amanda. I’m not understanding how anyone could like this individual unless they are seriously seriously inebriated every moment they are here. Jersey says that the warring factions are the six originals (minus raheim) and the three new people (Aaron, Chris, Biggie) plus TD. Who’s gonna take control of Paradise?

So it’s elimination time! No one is safe, Amanda reminds them. And they can choose anyone they want. Aaron is up first and he picks TD, unsurprisingly. So much class, so much beauty, he says, while she smugs it up. They are two little peas in a pod.

A proclivity for badly patterned shirts is a powerful bond.

Chris is up and walks right to Biggie. Sneaky Amanda mentions that even though they’ve been roommates when the sun goes down she’s off to Ryan. Chris demures and says that’s none of his business, which Biggie responds to with a smile. We all like a little discretion, honey. Scorp goes to Hobag. Aw, they’re happy. Scorp says they’re absolutely going beyond Paradise Hotel. Nametag alert! It’s been two weeks!

RC of course has to be dramatic about the whole thing and takes up ten minutes of screen time pacing in front of every girl, like it’s an interpretive dance of inner scorpio turmoil. Finally he picks Biscuit, unsurprisingly. Play on the wimpy virgin. Smart move, Rumsfeld. She actually is like Taiwan to your US of A.

All that’s missing is a little impromptu spoken word for maximum douche factor.

James is up and Amanda says that he’s been close with Biscuit, but he also like Jersey. He tells Amanda it’s because she’s the “total package”, “TP”. I hope some guy calls me the abbreviation for toilet paper in public someday. What a compliment. James picks Jersey, the TP, and now it’s down to Orbi and he even admits to Amanda that he only kind of knows who he’s going to. He says he’s big on “reaction” though. Maybe his philosophy courses must have been better than mine because I have no idea what this means. Like, Newton’s third law rocks his world? Anyway he goes to Bisky, too. Yeah! And he says that he went up to them because he thinks that RC is the most vulnerable. And I’m not the only one that’s glad to see Rumsfeld in the hot seat!

Check out the happy face on this fool.

And it’s time for Bisky to tell the guys what she thinks of them. It sucks she says! She starts crying. But she doesn’t even parlay a back and forth but just says flat out that she’s going to choose Orbi. Fuck. Yeah.

And dejected, our SOD walks over to Amanda. She tells RC that it feels like a lifetime since he’s been here. Word. Would he do anything differently? He says that he would have told Biggie not to pick him. It ALL would have turned out differently if it hadn’t been for Biggie. Yeah, because you weren’t screaming about dancing like a gigolo freaking everyone out beforehand.

Amanda still mocks you.

Surprisingly he says he’ll miss Jersey the most. “By far” he’ll miss her the most. Wha?? What happened to his BFF James? As he walks down the exit line he hugs everyone except Biggie. James and RC cry.

I just can’t quit you.

Keep on walkin’, Rumsfeld.

Marry Boff Kill: Winner, Orbi, Loser, RC, Most Annoying RC. Kill RC in two fashions again. Marry Orbi. I’ve so come around.

So are all the originals on the chopping block? Are we excited to get a new hot ho in the house?

I really do apologize for being late again! I start a new show on Thursday so I have to execute some time management this week. Thanks for sticking with!
xoxo, Lady S