Paradise Hotel: The Low Rent Matchmaker

Patti Stanger eat your heart out.

I just finished watching Hobag on the Millionaire Matchmaker season finale and I realized that I am glad she found Paradise Hotel. She was so demure and underwhelming on that, I have to confess it made me glad we got a chance to see her stripping and fingerpainting and acting a fool. Clearly she found the perfect reality vehicle to showcase her talents. You make us proud, girl.So good morning in paradise! Don’t you just love the smell of skank in the morning? James is eating a healthy serving of crow for breakfast. He knows he was out of his mind last night and he knows he ruined some relationships. I think that Raheim Conrad should eat some crow for being so aggressively moronic himself, but maybe James was way worse. It’s hard to tell.

Just like at Olympic level swimming it all seems impressive and while an eighth of a second means the difference between first and fifth place, everybody is damn good. So in paradise, they’re all competing in Olympic level jackassery. Anyway, Tania, for one, didn’t like that James kept saying he was going to eff her hard in his “emotionally guided” rant last night. But our James is an optimist! He thinks he’s strong enough to gain back trust and respect. He just couldn’t help that he was so passionate! Whenever I used to get drunk and belligerent I called it “passion”, too. RC seems to forgive, though. He admits that he’s off the wall, too.

I’m a passionate guy, Lady Sensation. Get off my ass.

And now it’s time to learn about the reality of paradise, which is that it’s ass boring. There’s nothing to do except drink and hook up. Case in point: We get to hang out in Mike and Tania’s room while she does ab work and he lies on the bed talking about fingerpainting. Mike says he loves fingerpainting himself. (Gross.) He goes on about how Tania is perfect, just adorable! (Have they met?) In her confessional, Tania wants the world to know though that they’re just having fun, though. This isn’t headed down the path of Zach and Amy.

And once again, vive la difference!, for the viewers who do not get Fox Reality at home: The highlight of this boring ghettro abs of steel video is Hobag claims that she once got off THIRTY-FOUR TIMES IN TWO HOURS. Maybe I’m naive about climactic potential, but I think this has to be made up. Seventeen times an hour? Back-to-back?? I call BS. Mike just ruminates on how she has the highest sex drive of anyone he’s ever been with. He says that he can’t ask any more from a roommate. There you have it: if you’re not getting off thirty times a day, you’re a shitty roommate. And here I thought I just had to clean up after myself and pay the rent on time. No wonder my roommates hate me.

Would I lie to you?

So they need to find something for these people to do. I motion to get a community college down there stat. No one wants to work on that novel? Find a unifying theory of physics? RC and James are sitting around, too, thumbs up their ass.

Let’s bust out the Rosetta Stone after this. I’ve always wanted to learn Mandarin.

RC says that he is looking to get laid. James and RC are so ready for the new girl. They just hope that Orbi isn’t gonna mess this one up. Women inexplicably dig this a-hole.

I know. We’re all confused.

In Orbi and Jersey’s room, they speculate that a blond bombshell will show up and Jersey says that if so, he’ll sell her down the river. Not so! He insists. He says that he doesn’t want to room with the girl he hooks up with and that he wants to ride it out with Jersey till the end. Of course he adds, that he’ll let her know if his opinion changes on that. In paradise, ever give a promise without an exit strategy.

So the group gathers for Amanda to meet the new girl walking pigeon-toed down the stairs. And Jesus H. Look at the rack on Barbie! This is Stephanie and she’s a dental assistant from Houston. She informs us that she is indeed sexy and loves to party. Despite the fact you may be thinking her rapier wit is her most distinguishing feature, she clarifies that her boobs have always been her identifying characteristic.

It’s like I have three heads, but no brain! Hee hee!

So Amanda announces that as the new girl she gets to pick two guys to go on date with tomorrow and that in her honor they are going to be having a beach party tonight. Johnny Ass Clown is pumping his fist on that one. RC astutely notices she has an amazing rack. James, like Steph, is also from Houston which of course scares Krista. She tells the cams that she and James don’t have an “alliance” but they have a “set understanding” that they will “be together until they don’t need to be together anymore”. Sounds secure, Bisky. I would take that one to the bank.

And let the drinking begin! Stephs wants a drink! She dives right into the mix with a shot of tequila and a long island iced tea. Pro Hobag seriously better watch her back.

Our new girl is bringing out some mixed emotions among the guests. Immediately Charté and TD are so not into her. Everybody says that James is totally her type, so Biscuit is scared out of her mind and starts kissing ass/ genuinely becomes her BFF. You make the call . Charté and TD made up their minds.

People from the ATL talk awesome.

Scorpio Mike says Steph is like a doll and that you could go onto a website and make your own Steph doll. Biscuit says that she is just like friends at home. She even tells her that she has pretty hair. Aw. She just wants to brush it like one of her dollies! The drunk slut nannies found a toy for her! Biscuit in a searing testament to her lack of awareness says that Stephanie is just like herself.

Paradise Hotel Dolls now with real hair and crazy eyes.

Orbi is of course into the “fresh meat” and wants to hook up! That’s one of the reasons he’s here. (direct quote.)

When they all require her presence in the pool, Steph announces that she needs another drink first. I begin to get concerned that this tiny little blowup doll is gonna get way more inebriated than she bargained for, but oh, lordy. Johnny is butt ass naked again. And chasing hobag around like some Demolition Disco freak. I never realized that paradise was so clothing optional. Our Johnny Bravo is clearly letting our girl get a preview of the goods she could possibly enjoy. James said Johnny looked like he just woke up on Xmas day. And I get an unintentional visual of this ass clown running around the Christmas tree stripped down to nothing.

Feel free to vom in your stocking.

But it’s true that the girls don’t like her. JB says she’s walking into a gauntlet of girls that don’t want to leave paradise. Hobag arrogantly thinks she’s the biggest target for Steph. TD hates on her fake tits and tummy tuck. Jersey just wants her to sleep with all the guys so they’ll shut up. Ha! Jersey is gonna pimp you, bitch. Finally they all shut up about Steph for ten minutes and play pool volleyball while she sits on the sidelines, sussing paradise out.

And picking up where Nate left off, TD is now the guest most inclined to isolate self, brood. There’s always one. She seems to want attention, but girl, the person who isolates themselves never wins. Fake it till you make it, bitch. RC plays good roommate and brings her back into the fold. TD and RC have a nice heart-to-heart about having an understanding and will stand by each other. Ah, I bask in the glow of these continued testimonials to commitment and understanding. The deeper the alleged bond, the harder the well-built house of cards fall. Can’t wait!

And now it’s been five seconds, so it’s time for a toast. Go hard or go home, says James. TO MEEE!!! squeals Steph. And then we get an existential question: Is Hobag huge or Steph a midget? Not only do they measure up, but then there is a request for her to “Motorboat” Tania. Perhaps this is a genius new acronym? Muzzle Breasts?

Doll with motorboat function comes at a slightly higher price point.

Once she gets her face out Hobag’s cleave, she goes on a rant about being “biggie”. “Look at biggie. I’m biggie, I’m biggie, I’m biggie.”

There was a recall on this edition.

And this is the beginning of the end for Biggie. These people suddenly look like modicums of decency and propriety next to this drunkie. Tania calls her a rowdy Texan party girl. (Bad sign.) Orbi is speechless. She goes on a bizarre tangent about her hair being real or long or something. And this is only lunch! So now everyone begins to get frightened of her. Mike says she’s “harassing our cochlea”.

Pot and kettle still at odds.

The Biggie Doll burps! Send her back to Amazon! Everyone is annoyed. Now no one wants her to pick them for the date because she’s so damn annoying. RC is over it, JB thinks she’s gone overboard and James is gonna tell her that he’s gay. HA!

After lunch, it’s back to some pro-level chillaxing, Jersey is in the pool with James still laughing about James’s cray cray antics from the night before. Because Jersey is always laughing! So now that Biggie is already dead to James, he is back up Jersey’s ass. He feels a good vibe from Lauren, thinks she’s hot. Jersey says they’re relating on a better level too and likes him back. Orbi doesn’t think it’s cool, but he has no strategy other than hanging out and having a good time. No shit. James is telling Jersey he doesn’t want to put Biscuit in the dark, but wants to switch roommates and put Biscuit with Orbi, but Jersey just laughs.

James and Biscuit get ready for the party that night and in the bathroom and James wants Biggie outta there. Biscuit knows she’s interested in James but also knows Biggie likes her. James wants her to stay on it even if the girls hate her for it.

Biggie is confused about what to wear for the party, so TD, Charté and RC come over to help. But Biggie is more interested in copping a feel than getting dressed. She basically mauls Charté and gropes her in every way possible. Charté says she’s gotten more action from her than the guys. Aw, Charté tried to make a joke.

More Chuckie than Barbie.

But even after lunch, Orbi still thinks Biggie’s so attractive. He asininely comments on her perfect teeth. Um, she’s a damn dental assistant. Was he also blown away that Jersey was so well-groomed? Orbi gets all hot and bothered over her pearly whites and calls her room. She can barely get off the bed she’s so wasted. And ever the charmer, he wants to know what he’s wearing. She reports back that she has three people in her room helping her get dressed. Then asks who she’s talking to. Orbi, not deterred, tells her he is interested in hearing about when she gets undressed. Absolutely, she counters. Banter! Amanda better watch her back.

TD thinks Biggie is great because if she’s a blonde bombshell then she has no worries about RC. Cut to Biggie ALL OVER RC. She says she “traveled a long way to him” and sucks on his neck. She hasn’t even been there five hours. RC says that she was like Dracula sucking on his neck, but like a true gentlemen, all RC could think was that this girl is wasted.

The tummy tucked, fake titted vampire doll he always wanted.

Although, from the look of it, he doesn’t seem to mind. When she finds out TD is RC’s roommate she goes, “Oh, I’m in trouble.”

And not because TD is his roommate.

When they leave the room, they run into TD, and like a true southern girl, Biggie shouts “ROOMMATE!” all fake friendly. RC tells her to stop drinking because she’s about to pass out. But, RC, we’re about to have a party! And it wouldn’t be a party without liver-curdling consumption of alcohol and some more damn fingerpainting speculation. RC is saying that he’s not going to do Biggie Doll, because she’s too drunk. He says Orbi might though. Drunk girls looove ridges. Then randomly Johnny Bravo butt munches Biggie. He goes, “Welcome to Paradise. I did that to everyone and they didn’t like it, but….” But, what? Maybe she will? Ass clown.

HEY!!! THEY REALLY DON’T HAVE PRIVATE PARTS!!!

And…a toast! Biggie will not shut up. She even tells Biscuit she’s sexy, which means her circuits are misfiring. And, by the way, this looks like every party they have in paradise. Stop pretending these are actually themed. My daily outfits have better, more obvious themes. No one ever mistakes my Japanese raver days for anything but.

Anyway, Biscuit and Biggie get freaknasty and everyone hates Biscuit for acting totally different. Biscuit you are not allowed to make a friend! The drunk slut nannies do not approve! Although, oddly only the black girls seem to really hate it. They don’t want her to be any different. There is a big debate between her and Charté about whether or not Biscuit was dancing up her on her ass or whether Biggie was pushing up against Biscuit. HUGE difference. And poor Biscuit is out of her league. Charté and TD ream her about being nice to the new girl. She is not allowed to kiss ass in paradise. If you connect with someone new, it is FAKE. She is not allowed to connect with anyone but these bitches. That’s how we do it in the ATL. After a certain point I can’t understand them anymore, and luckily TD ends it with a whatever.

Bisky’s first double team.

Biggie says “Stiffer” (Is she referring to herself in the third person?) looks like she’s going home because everyone hates each other because of her. She ended up in the middle of the drama and doesn’t know how. I would go out on a limb and say this dollbot doesn’t know a damn thing, this instance being a small piece of a larger problem. She’s not allowed anywhere near my grill.

RC takes Biscuit aside to calm her down and tells her that it’s a bunch of bullshit and she tells him if she goes home she wants to go home knowing that she is a nice, sincere biscuit. Then she sings “Thank yoooouuuu.”

Biscuit’s new strategy: turn Paradise Hotel into a musical.

After the party Biggie and Biscuit talk about hangovers. I’m surprised she hasn’t been puking since 4pm, but Mattel can do some pretty amazing stuff these days. Biscuit tucks her in and says if you get scared, just call us! Nighty-noo! Yeah, she’s a kiss ass, but TD and Charté need to get over themselves.

And that’s pretty much the sentiment around these parts. James, Scorpio and Hobag talk about how TD and Charté are in this way too deep. They don’t like how they’re gunning for their little butter biscuit. James wants RC or JB to take Biggie. RC is like Biggie is a nutjob. Especially because TD is an emotional “timebomb”. And you don’t want to set that one off.

Orbi is giving Charté a forearm massage, which is sore from that long day of volleyball playing. Charté didn’t expect for Orbi to be coming at her since he’s always played “nervous”, but maybe Ridge and Sugar Ass are making a connection after all. Orbi wants to blow Biggie’s immunity by having someone sleep with her for the night. He said that someone’s gotta do it and take one for the team. Charté gives a confessional that she is playing the game hard. In fact, she has an A, B, C, D, E, F, G plan. She also has plans that she’s still finalizing in her mind. No doubt these also have letters as reference points.

I’m so smart I got the whole alphabet in my mind.

Back in the bedroom, RC attempts to have another heart-to-heart and wants to know what’s going on with TD. He calls her an emotional firebomb. I long to go a day where these people can get a damn metaphor straight. Or any level of syntax. He says that her behavior is going to have “a reflect” on us as roommates. Reflect, verb. Reflection, noun. I am losing my mind and becoming an emotional firebomb here. RC tells her she can’t go after Biscuit, especially because Charté is the puppetmaster, and playing it like a fiddle. How many clichés can we mangle in a sentence? HOW MANY?? He says they got some damage control to do in the morning, but that’s probably about as likely as happening as the takeover of Johnny Bravo we were supposed to get after the “Area 51″ debacle.

Next day things are worse for women. Mike says women are falling apart. He says their losing their mind and even points to his head to indicate where the losing is taking place. It’s completely and utterly intense. At breakfast, Hobag blames the craziness on estrogen. Not the gallons of alcohol consumed. Biggie doesn’t remember anything past dinner. HA! She then claims that she hadn’t touched alcohol in three months. Biggie dolls are just programmed to say they’re hardcore party girls.

With DD batteries, doll will raise arm to touch tequila bottle, included in box.

Messenger time! Biggie, choose your dates! The girls become visibly tense and still wearing the same outfit, since no one bothered to change her into the extra set of clothes that came in the box, she goes to find guys. No one seems excited to see her. RC says “alcoholism is a sin” under his breath. Or something like that. They politely ask her if she feels okay and says she feels like shit. And…she picks Johnny Bravo and James. James is not pleased and even JB thinks she’s too obnoxious. RC says he’s so damn happy. Scorp just advises them to to be calm, cool, “collective”. UGH! My cochlea is getting raped. Then we immediately cutaway to JB.

You want me to be collective?? Okay, how’s this? Is this good? Huh? Huh??

And continuing with the popular pastime of doing jack shit, the girls sit around doing nothing. TD starts talking about Biscuit to Charté right in front of her about how you can’t talk to Biscuit without upsetting her feelings. TD says that she should have pulled her to the side and talked to her because feelings are so fragile and she’s so unstable. Biscuit finally gets up and leaves and says that she loves when people talk about her when she’s right there and that’s when TD finally speaks to her directly and says that she’s going to get her point across regardless. And what a point! I hope she never shuts up about it, because it really is a good one. TD says that she keeps walking away from situations and if she had a problem, she should come to them. Well, that’s the hole in your argument, asshat. Biscuit doesn’t have a problem, you do. There was nothing said to make her get up, claims Charté. You’d think with brilliant thoughts like the entire alphabet running through her mind, she’d realize that statement makes no sense.

Idiots in paradise eventually blend in to their habitat entirely.

Biscuit goes down to the pool and reports to Hobag, Jersey and RC and says that she’s shaking she’s so upset. Poor Bisky.

Scorpio talks to Orbi and says that everything he’s done here is totally true to him and he’s not looking for a relationship, but Tania is TOTALLY BAD ASS. Only girl he knows that’s as sexually charged as him. He can tell her anything. Before the other girls couldn’t keep up with him and Orbi totally gets it! “Imagine me, dude,” he says, like there’s some universal understanding that he is an insatiable sex god.

I finally found one thing that does not capture my imagination.

RC says that JB and charté are hitting it off, but she’s all, do I have a choice? He’s my roommate. She amends that she does have a choice, but that he doesn’t try her and is respectful. RC calls her a puppetmaster seductress. She strings things along. Charté seems to like that description but plays coy. Biscuit is not surprised she wanted to take out James. Charté is not intimidated by her taking JB. The boys are not excited about going out with her and James says he’s not going to act like himself. What happened to acting like a homo? That would be AWESOME. When Charté asks JB if he’s excited, he goes do I have a choice? Something about that spot must be a vortex of free will questioning.

Of course when Biggie comes up, Charté is super fake nice with Biggie about feeling better today. I want Biscuit to sing some feisty number about pots and kettles for this musical.

And today’s date is actually a group date with both of them. They walk over to a hot tub on the other side of the hotel and talk lamely about kissing, how JB only gets naked in groups and that James is hard to get. BORING.

Equally boring is watching Scorp and Hobag flirt in the bathroom. They’ll do everything together! Conversate, finger paint! They have so much in common. Hobag confesses that genuine feelings are developing. Somehow they score themselves a private date and cuddle of on their own. He tells her that he’s going commando and she should look. She does and she laughs. I think it’s rude and hilarious she laughs but apparently some joke went down like this:

Penises are hysterical.

So because these two are getting close, it’s time for some good old fashioned scorpio passive aggressive antics. Because right after he amuses Tania with some penile head popping (three words I never ever thought I would write in my distinguished writing career) he gives us a confessional about how te get close, but then says…he is not here to get a girlfriend! He wants to take in paradise for every minute. Liar!!! Ugh, I called it from moment one.

They begin to discuss Biggie and he says he is THRILLED that he didn’t get picked, but then does the standard scorpio backpedaling. He then goes on about how he would “totally throw the meat stick at her” (vom!) but wouldn’t because he doesn’t want her to like him. Hobag is not amused. In her confessional she dismisses him with an, “He’s entitled to do it, but I’ll cut him off if he does.” Oh, Hobag, do you not see through these Scorpio 101 tricks?? Hurt them before they hurt you is the oldest one in the book. And we even get a nice shot of his obvious desperation:

Did it work? Did I throw her off the scent of my scorpio insecurity?

James said Biggie was cool during the day, even though her first night antics were unattractive. and is open to friendship, but he really wants to help Bisky through this. Outside TD and Charté are doubleteaming Biggie. They’re reminding her who their roommates are. Biggie seems to have trouble remembering. It’s hard to focus on things when you have your titties spilling all over the place! “Nippleage!” she giggles! Biscuit joins them to keep her eye on TD and Charté. Biggie says that everyone is so nice, but that they’re going to hate her when it comes down to elimination. Charté and TD assure her that they won’t and that they know it’s the name of the game. To show her they mean it, they give the jugs a tug. (Three other words I never thought I would write. Ever.)

Haha! We’re as fake as your titties!

And we end with an ominous shot of the elimination chairs. You can touch doll titties all you want, but you can’t hide from the fact that very soon somebody is getting the ax. And at this point I wouldn’t be sorry to see any of these drunk sluts go. Actually, I’ve come around to Hobag a bit. Am I the only one?

Since there were no winners and losers we’ll hold on this week’s riveting Marry Boff Kill. Though most annoying were hands down TD and Charté. What happened to my ATL bitches?

Can’t wait for next episode, because I, for one, am ready for some heads to roll. Yay!

Love y’all.