Paradise Hotel: The Power of a Shower

So the two blonde geniuses go off and talk. Biggie likes that they can go to the edge of the pool and have a deep philosophical discussion about the sunrise and sunsets. I didn’t know there was much debate surrounding that, but I only read blogs, so what do I know? Also blowing my mind is that Orbi was a philosophy major. I rewind this several times to make sure my ears didn’t fall off.

You already are, girl. You already are.

Orbi says that he can feel RC’s eyes burning into his skull. And those eyes are for real burning into his skull. He’s giving Scorpio a run for his money in Scorpioness. Later that night Orbi complains to Scorp that Biggie is all over him and he can’t make a move because of RC. Yeah, RC gets sooo jealous, concurs Scorp. Pot and Kettle continue their beef till the bitter end.

RC announces to the group that he is gonna have some fun tonight and will have a nice story to tell them in the morning. But, ho no! Rumsfeld didn’t plan on this curve ball! Biggie pulls the “monthly curse” trick and RC is not a happy camper. He says that it’s an absolute lie. She tells, nay begs, him to give her a couple of days. He openly says that they will have sex before the week is out. It’s gonna “get done”. Oh, poor Biggie doll. I feel violated just watching this scene.

At breaky the next day, Orbi jumps right in and says that he didn’t do anything with Biggie last night, because he knew that she’s RC’s girl, but the Secretary of Defense says that it’s good to go. It’s all game now, so he’s fiiiiine with sharing is caring. Riiiiiight.

At the girls’ table, they are very excited to be getting their new man. Jersey astutely predicts that he’s gonna “be really cute”. What? She’s not expecting Man Boob Dave’s brother? The sexy messenger announces that they get to have a glamorous lunch by the sea. The guys’ are pissed that they go off on some fun adventure, but it looks like the just walk down the hill. Sometimes Paradise looks like prison.

And here comes Amanda, waving at the girls with her jazz hands. And now she drops the bombshell, there won’t be one new man in paradise…(DRAMATIC PAUSE, HIGH TENSION)…there will be TWO new men in paradise! Woo hoo!

OMG! You totally got me!

And here come Aaron and Chris! Chris from AZ and Aaron from Alabama.

Chris is a trainer from Scottsdale. Ah, back to the original source for Paradise greats.

In Scottsdale, when we graduate high school we all aspire to make it to Paradise Hotel.

And then we have Aaron, our southern gentlemen, with his drawl and good will to all. He lies about being twenty-four and also lies about being a model.

I hear everyone lies here, so I thought I’d try a few on for size.

These boys love our ladies and they have plenty of questions for them. Aaron says he’s glad that it’s “chicks” there and not dudes at that lunch. Oh, that word bugs.

Back at the ranch, the boys know that the lunch is for the girls to meet the new guy, but RC is going on and on about how strong the government is. Nothing says strength like when your voice raises an octave and you’re shrieking. It really instills confidence in your troops. Rumsfeld always sounded like someone kicked him in the balls. Keep it up.

And the ladies who lunch are loving life. They ask who the partier is and Hobag raises her hand ME! ME! TD likes the new guys. Especially Mr. Southern Hospitality. What is the craziest thing that’s happened here, they want to know. It’s unanimously agreed that JB dancing naked on the table was. So the guys want the dirt on all the other guys and they learn that RC is the Secretary of Defense. Okay, that name needs to go. The girls tell them that the current guys are a tight knit group, minus Bravo, and that they are going to be in for it.

Hobag says the new guys seem nice, but give ‘em ten days when they are undersexed and see how nutso they get. Hobag then gives us a confessional about what fingerpainting means.

“No shit”.

Tania makes a dramatic entrance for the new guys and both enter in with a girl on each arm. Oh course there are bro hugs all around but nobody means it. The girls know they are sweatin’ bullets. And check out the face on Biggie! Loves!

Biggie dolls are capable of schadenfreude.

RC is already sizing them up. But everyone is doing a decent job of acting like it’s all good. So then it’s the guys turn to give the new meat the lowdown on the girls. We’ve already heard that Jersey is the tomboy, Hobag the partier, etc. And of course they’re all sharing is caring! What person is actually into this motto here? Name me one. Okay, Orbi. But name me one that’s blaring it all the time. RC tries to think like Rumsfeld to get a handle on the sitch.

WWRD?

Then as the girls disperse into the pool, Chris gets the breakdown of the government. Of course given by the SOD. And did you know Scorp is the PR guy? He’s so Ari Fleischer.

Must be a PR guy thing.

Chris says wants in as the president since he’s oldest, and Scorp is taken aback by this insult to the elected officials and doesn’t know what to say so he stutters for a few minutes, but the SOD saves him and tells him he has to be there at least 24 hours.

RC tells us that he’s really agitated that two of his buddies are going home. Obviously he doesn’t think he’s going home.

Why would I go home? I’m so likeable!

So the two new guys go their room to discover that Alphabutt pulled a Chelsea and left a letter. Basically she says there is a lot of scheming. She never mentions her part, of course. Self-awareness runs low around these parts. Her advice don’t take anything at face value and trust no one. Our new boys are ready to get aggressive. “I’ll throw some bows” says our Southern Gent. Dork.

JB is stoked that there are two dudes because the OGs will definitely be broken up, which is good news for him. He says that now people will start strategizing! Oh, NOW people are going to start strategizing? What an asshat. Welcome to the party. Maybe if you put on your clothes and stopped freaking everyone out, you’d be invited. But JB still can’t strategize because he gets distracted by TD’s ass twenty yards from him. “Ass in the face!” He repeats over and over like the guido Rainman.

The face makes a case.

TD tells Aaron that she’s the next girl to go because the guys don’t like her and all have their eyes on other girls, to which Aaron replies that she’s the hottest shit around. Yeah, but they don’t care about that, she says. TD, FYI, you are not the hottest girl around.

The SOD sits with Bisky and tells her about his strategy for the day, which is just an excuse to tell her that later on he’s going to have sex. He wants to keep his roommate’s sex situation under wraps. She nods politely.

At dinner they make a toast to getting along. Ah, the oft ill-fated toast. And it turns out our new black guy, Chris, is into Biggie. RC says that he’s as cocky as he is, so there’s gonna be heat.

Back in the Secretary of Defense’s room that night, he’s threatening Biggie again. He says that if he can’t trust her she has no business being in the room. She tells him that she was even afraid to walk in with the new guys at their arrival today. He tells her that if she wants to be part of the government, she can’t speak. OMFG. Is this legal?

First of all, you’re going to have to get a good campaign manager. Keep in mind you have to have a solid platform on tax reform and the environment.

Biggie of course responds that she doesn’t speak. RC needs to get checked. She even has to ask him permission to swim with her top off. RC HAS to be a scorpio. Way to turn a girl on. You’re gonna get some with that approach. Bitches love threats.

So it’s nighttime and time to party. Aaron and TD seem to be hitting it off. AND…RC is a scorpio!! I deduce this because he hear him telling Aaron that Mike is October and he is November, obviously clarifying which side of Scorpio he’s on. I know a scorpio from a mile away. Mine is totally pulling some Mike level want-a-nametag-don’t-want-a-nametag BS and I’m ready to find Hobag’s myspace and do some SoCal commiserating.

Shock: people are doing shots. The naked people (Hobag, Orbi and Biggie) decide to explore the lesser known parts of the pool. To talk philosophy. Btw, I want a Biggie doll.

Biggie dolls like to piss off scorpios.

Going outside of pool bounds freaks RC out hardcore. They went to a part of the pool that people NEVER go to, so it MUST be fishy! He chases them down screaming (voice raising three octaves now), Y’all TRY TO HIIIIDE!!?!?

Paranoia, paranoia, everybody’s comin’ to get me.

TD is still dishing with the new guys, who want to know the order of power here. RC, Mike then James. They know how to talk and persuade their way into things. The guys are horny so Biggie will be there for a while.

And then we see the two blondies sneaking off! Who knew you could exit the pool straight into a room?? Awesome!

Who even notices nudity when this genius architectural feature treats your eyes?

Obri and Biggie take a shower together and start making out. Of course everyone is peeking. RC gets right up in there and tries to see through the woven wicker door. Hobag and Jersey run around their room for some unknown reason and we get some shots of Hobag flying back and forth from bed to couch. Even the new guys go over and Bisky says that she made EYE CONTACT with Biggie. But she does report to RC that nothing was happening.

But RC just rolls on over and starts talking to Orbi in the show like it’s perfectly acceptable to come talk to people while they’re showering. And…HOLD UP, is he getting head from Biggie?? “That’s nice.” RC says. Oh, he totally is. Orbi’s got a smile on his face and everything. And then RC gets all surprised when he says that he needs some room. In fact he gets mad.

What? I can’t come in?

Meanwhile, Scorp and James are having a conversation about RC (the timing seems contrived) and RC screams “JAAAMES!!!” and busts into the room blaring that Orbi is in “SERIOUS TROUBLE”. He is DONE because he told him to “Back Off” after he walked into his romantic shower. Uh, did he expect an invite? What else was he supposed to say when someone walks in on him getting head in the shower?

I don’t get it. Rumsfeld always gets invited to shower fellatio viewings.

RC says he knows the truth about Orbi now, which is that he’s the “Devil”. Um, that’s what he says about everyone. Oh, wait. He will now DESTROY him. Obviously, no one seems into this idea. And guess what time he says it is…That’s right! Game time! Scorp calls him out and says that he’s being ridiculous and shady. But RC comes back swinging saying that if he can’t trust Scorp then Scorp shouldn’t be there, either!

Requirements to stay in Paradise essentially boil down to RC’s trust for you. Fun! Scorp tells him to chill out and let him eff the Biggie doll. Seriously. God, this is like an anthropological study on what happens when men do not get sex. Sharing is caring, Scorp proclaims. (He then has to throw in that he’s not there for a relationship. Do you hear that Hogirl??)

RC then says that Orbi can think with his dick, but he can’t fuck with his paycheck. Biggie is his paycheck? Ah, that’s right. He’s on the pro circuit. He gets paid for this. At this point Orbi comes and listens at the door. RC says that his strategy is “Ryan is gone”. Orbi makes a “Hmmm, interesting” face.

I can think with something other than my penis? Fascinating.

At the bar, RC comes up to Orbi and asks what the problem is. Orbi tells him not to talk to him and that he knows who his friends are. He’s just going to be mellow. “If that’s how you want to play it, big guy.” God, these guys are so believable when they talk tough. You can hear James fighting in the background or going off on something and JB chiming in, but apparently that’s not the more interesting fight. Damn, all these wannabe hos are crazy.

In their room, Orbi is crying to Hobag about how he has no friends. He expected to be friends with these people for life. And then, RC knocks on the door and Hobag doesn’t want to answer it, but Orbi does just so he can close the door in RC’s face with a “Nope!” and RC laughs maniacally to prove he is actually the one with the power. Yeah, you’re convincing no one.

In the SOD’s room, the lame analogies continue, but this time they get medieval! And the threats which may or may not need intervention. Now Biggie has destroyed Camelot. She tells him that Orbi was afraid to kiss her and RC says that it’s because she’s the “first lady”. He can’t even keep it straight. Rumsfeld is not married to Laura Bush. You belong to me at least for three days, he says, taking creepy to a new level. And scorpio predictability. In her confessional, she says that he is indeed freaking her out.

And sucking the hotness out of her. Stop, dude.

Next morning in Paradise, the girls talk about all the shit that went down. And then Biggie defends RC. Oh, Stockholm Syndrome.

Boys breakfast is quiet. Sexy messenger comes and delivers note to Chris and Aaron. Aaron reads really slowly. Dork. That night there will be a selection and two other men will go to the single room. Ha! I hope it’s RC and James!!

The girls are talking about not wanting to get stuck with someone bad. Biggie now admits that she’s freaked out by the SOD. She says she won’t be picked because she hasn’t given the new guys the time of day. Scorp and Orbi are discussing last night and they are both over RC.

And TD is trying to become the reigning puppet master. She tells Biggie that she’s played it wrong with RC and now he’s manipulating her. And then she’s telling the new guys how they should pick. Do you want to play it smart or safe? Smart will help them last longer. They need to stick together. “The Game” is nasty. TD knows everything.

I see a pointless toast in your future.

And now it’s time for roommate selection, basically they have no restrictions and the girl they pick will definitely send the guy to the single room. It’s short and definitely, definitely sweet.

Aaron picks TD. And he says it’s because TD made him feel at home and they’re from the south. And Chris picks Biggie! Ha! Now JB and RC get to be bed buddies! Amanda asks how he feels and RC says that all it means is that someone is borrowing his room for a couple of days. Riiiight. Hold it, he says to Chris. When Amanda asks if they are going to hold grudges, RC lies through his teeth. No, he assures us. Yeah, that nervous hand slapping really shows how cool, calm and “collective” you are.

Your BFF and Jersey mock you.

Amanda definitely mocks you.

The world mocks you.

Marry Boff Kill: Loser, RC, Winner Chris, Most Annoying (By a long shot) RC. Kill RC in several fashions, Marry Chris.

Of course in upcoming scenes we see that RC won’t sleep till Chris goes home. And Biggie dolls talk back! Excellent!