Paris Hilton’s My New BFF: America, the Fundamentals of Paris Hilton are Strong

****Note from the Editor: We weren’t going to cover Paris Hilton’s show because, well, why? But then we saw it. Please welcome your newest recapper, TheAngriestWhitestMale!

Cute, ain’t he?

Who is the most pathetic person in the Paris Hilton BFF spectrum?

1.) The contestants-These people will go through the process of being humiliated in front of millions of people in order to be friends with a bronzed brainless lizard who they have seen have sex. It’s like being in a contest to be friends with porn star Peter North. By the way, no Peter North jokes on the comments page! Guy’s a huge friend of mine (I won a contest on the internet).

Surprisingly good at Scrabble.

2.) Paris Hilton-She makes millions of dollars (on top of the millions she was born into) for doing nothing. She always has time to party, and she can always buy the drinks and meth. Yet apparently she can’t find friends through conventional means? (Note: by “conventional means” I mean cruising the craigslist casual encounters page and sending women pictures of your junk.) I guess some people just aren’t cool enough to get real friends. What a loser.

Yes, you.

3.) The audience-These people are watching a FRIEND CONTEST! Are these people nuts? Don’t they know they are supposed to be watching the financial networks and getting angry, panicked, depressed and poor? This Paris Hilton show is pure titillation. Titilation is so 2006! This is 2008. All the cool people are worried. Come on people. Get worried!

4.) You-Yes, you, you there, on the computer reading this right now! You are READING A RECAP ARTICLE ABOUT A FRIEND CONTEST. Don’t you have anything you’re supposed to be worrying about? Do something productive. Get a job! I hear Arby’s is looking for an assistant grease trap cleaner. Start moving your stuff out before the bank-repo auction of your worthless house. Figure out how to tell your kids they are going to be living in a tent by the highway. (I recommend fooling them into thinking it’s just an elaborate game of cowboys and Indians) Please, please, do anything besides reading this mindless crap!

Special Note: I was just informed by the owners of TVGASM that due to the recent problems in the short term credit market they won’t be able to make payroll if you don’t in fact keep reading this article. So, well, forget what I said about you, keep reading and reading and reading and clicking and clicking on the TVGASM home page.

Because we’re mavericks.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, recapping the show. There are 18 contestants. That’s right, 18! There have been professional golf tournaments with less participants. I will give you a very quick and very dirty on each of them.

1.) Lauren-According to Lauren the show is “about me, and who I am”. A pretty bold statement given that there are seventeen other golfers. Who does she think she is? Tiger Woods?

2.) Francisca-Her quote was “I’m so ready”. That’s good. No one should go into a planned public humiliation unprepared. You might end up getting embarrassed and humiliated.

3.) Trisha-She says she’s looking forward to “awesome, interesting things”. Personally I don’t have “interesting” on my list of descriptive adjectives about this show.

4.) Sinsu-Her snippet was this line. “It’s so crazy, yeah, um, what was the question again?” Given some of the things I’ve heard from Paris Hilton my money is on Sinsu.

Over here, honey.

5.) Zui-Zui says “I don’t take things too seriously” This is the show for Zui.

6.) Shelly-According to Shelly she has a storied past. “Yeah I used to get crazy and party, I did that for like a month but not anymore.” I have a feeling that someone who no longer parties and refers to her crazy partying days as a period lasting one month is not going to win this contest. The winner is going to be Paris’ best friend, not her interventionist.

7.) Onch- Onch is an androgynous Asian who claims that Paris “needs a boyfriend and a girlfriend and I can be both”. The full service approach; we’ll see.

Plastic pretzel tranny. I smell a winner!

8.) Natasha- Natasha said, “well you know you like totally you know gotta totally well you know”. I wish I knew, but I don’t.

9.) Kayley-According to Kayley she’s “a dirty old man”. May I recommend a visit to anightinparis.com?

10.) KiKi-Kiki says she is “always hated on because I’m so pretty”. I would honestly rate Kiki as about the eleventh prettiest girl in this contest. I think people hate Kiki because Kiki THINKS people hate her because she THINKS she’s pretty, not because she is in fact pretty. How do I know this? I hate her. I can honestly say I have never hated a woman for being pretty. It has to be something else.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because I’m a fucking dimwit.

11.) Michelle-Michelle is very confident in her chances. “I know I’m gonna win it, I’m so stunning”. Well the odds are 18:1. If she’s that confident about that spread she is a Vegas pit boss’ dream. I’m taking the field.

12.) Baje-(pronounced like the color, good name, I never mentioned this, but my parents worked at a crayola factory, my legal name is actually Indian Summer Green) According to Baje, she “hasn’t ever met anyone more mean than me.” Maybe Paris could introduce her to Martha Stewart to put her credo to the test.

13.) Athena-Athena did some sorority chants in her introduction that I didn’t have a quick enough hand to write down. I do however remember that during her ranting having an elaborate fantasy about strangling her.

Get me a sock.

14.) Corrie-Apparently Corrie thought she was accepting an MTV Music award. “This is totally an honor, everyone else can just suck it.” I think Kanye West wrote that line for her.

15.) Vanessa-Vanessa apparently thinks she is auditioning to be the friend of a nice, respectable human-being. “I’m loyal, caring, fun.” Listen Vanessa, go audition for some loser organization. The Peace Corps and Big Brothers and Sisters come to mind. We don’t want the loyal and caring around here! Get a life!

I have a dream of feeding the rich.

16.) Erin-Erin says she’s “ready for America”. I think Erin thought she was recording one of those statements for the Miss America pageant. Listen Erin, this isn’t some disgusting cattle show that objectifies women and turns them into objects to be judged like slabs meat. Wait a second, it actually is. But it still isn’t Miss America. Those evening gowns are hideous!

17.) Bryan-Bryan is the token gay dude. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with using token minorities to curry favor and ratings. Homosexuality however is a crime against Jesus, Buddha and John Wayne. Bryan is going to hell. Maybe if he wins this contest he will have a friend to spend time with as his flesh eternally burns.

I hope the devil shaves his head. Even in Hell, fauxhawks are so over.

18.) Brittany-Brittany is the one grounded, realist in the group. “I’m probably going home, I’m probably losing.” Once again, at 18:1 odds she is probably right. I think Brittany is my favorite contestant.

LOL

So there’s the roster. The squad’s first test was being filmed at Les Deux, a posh L.A. club, while Paris and her entourage watched in another room. During this period Paris proclaimed, “in Hollywood nothing is for fun, it’s all work…” Fun times.

After the club each contestant got a gift bag containing a Black Berry, which will enable Paris to communicate with them during each contest. It’s sort of like a mother keeping tabs on her kids. Or not.

Each contestant was then blindfolded and taken to an undisclosed location and grilled by some unnamed “Las Vegas showman” (while still blind-folded) in front of Paris and her boyfriend. When the police want to interrogate someone they usually turn to a “Las Vegas Showman”. Not many people know this but in that tape of Bill Clinton being questioned in that deposition for the Paula Jones case a while-back the guy questioning him was “Vegas Showman” Wayne Newton. True story.

Next was a trip to a large villa referred to as the “BFF mansion”. It’s sort of like Monticello or Mount Vernon for dumb fucks. Trust me. Anyway, at the mansion it was revealed that all the contestants’ luggage was “lost”, which will force them to wear the same clothes that they wore to Les Deux for the foreseeable future. John McCain spent two years in a Vietnamese prison having his toe nails ripped out by sadistic midgets. These dolts have to endure some half-assed version of laundry day. Heavy stuff.

Yikes. Your face was bad enough when it wasn’t all stretched out like that. Stop it.

In a parallel story line three of the contestants who were blindfolded were not interrogated by some Vegas magician but were instead taken to the airport where they were put on a plane and essentially kicked off the show. One of the banished was the grating sorority chanter Athena, I honestly couldn’t see who the other two were. I think the producers might have just realized (only fifteen minutes into the first episode) that 18 was too many and that some people had to go for time and logistics sake. As Andy Warhol said “everyone has their fifteen minutes of fame, does anyone have any tapes of Duran Duran videos I can masturbate to”? Well to Athena, and the two girls standing behind her good luck on the next boring 69 years 344 days 23 hours and 45 minutes of your empty meaningless lives.

After a night of sleep in their skank-wear the contestants were summoned to the hangar of the Van Nuys airport for what was deemed an “industrial strength” make-over. The makeovers were sponsored by American industrial giants, U.S. Steel and General Motors. Proof again that the fundamentals of the American economy and its industrial strength are sound. Nothing says industry like gay dudes applying eyeliner.

Only on this show would someone brag about “sleeping in ditches”.

Cayley, Michelle and Brian all refused the makeover. That anyone could be so vain to appear on this show but not vain enough to get a makeover stuns me. I’m a fat white guy with breasts. I drink Bush Light out of a can. If someone offered me a free makeover I WOULD TAKE IT.

On another note this makeover was in aid of all the contestants AND Paris going to some Red Carpet Event for the toilet paper tabloid IN TOUCH magazine. Next time you hear Paris Hilton whine about her over abundance of press coverage, remember this moment.

On another, ANOTHER note. Paris also said this about walking on the Red Carpet. “Working it isn’t easy.” Please see former point on John McCain getting his genitals slammed in for ten years to clarify definition(s) of what is and is not “easy”.

The last plot point of the episode occurred when Vanessa (who claims to be loyal and caring) decided to tell on Kiki (“people hate me because I’m beautiful”) for saying she was home sick and she wanted to leave during the make-over. For this, Vanessa was rewarded by Paris declaring her essentially the “mole” of the show. Vanessa then proceeded to tell everyone in the BFF mansion that she was the mole. I really hope Vanessa never goes into law enforcement. She would be the worst undercover agent ever.

YAY! I’m so telling on you!

Anyway, it came down to the three unmade over idiots as to who was going to be booted out of the BFF mansion. It was Michelle. She’s gone. I honestly don’t know how this happened. Everyone voted for Kiki to be gone but then Paris decided Michelle was out. Apparently Paris used the Supreme Court’s logic in Bush v. Gore.

Just remember, don’t let your house get foreclosed or your cable cut off so you can watch this stupid show and read my even dumber recap.

Later!