Caught in a Net

By Amanda

Wow – plenty of action this week on Passions. EvilMonk’s identity is revealed, and the mermaid is exposed! On top of that, there are virtual-reality goggles; a coma patient being jabbed with a huge needle; another punching fight; more drinking; more fake nuns; and lots of people talking to themselves, both inside and outside of their own heads. Really, it’s all you could ever want in a TV show. Except for good acting, good writing, a plot that makes sense, and sets that don’t fall over when you breathe on them. But other than that, it’s perfect.Right away, we find out that today is going to be a mermaid kind of day. Apparently, the photo shoot with Miguel and Siren as models was such a smashing success that now there is going to be a whole ad campaign starring the two of them. All of the ads will have nautical themes. I guess they are advertising the same perfume as before, but that’s not totally clear.

Earlier in the week, Kay snuck out of the house at the crack of dawn to talk to Miguel alone down by the docks. (He was getting ready to go out to work on a fishing boat.) Of course, Kay wanted to talk about how Miguel should dump Siren. Kay and Miguel had a long discussion and then ended up in an emotional hug, which of course was interrupted by Fox and Siren walking in all indignant. To cover, Miguel and Kay made up this story that they were discussing this great new ad campaign idea. Fox loved it, so that’s why they’re now stuck actually producing it.

Kay and Fox discuss the new ad campaign.

Even though Kay is the one who sold Fox on the ad idea, she’s still bitching to him about Siren, and he keeps telling her to chill out. He thinks it’s weird that she’s so anti-Siren, but he doesn’t seem to have a clue that she might, um, like Miguel. Fox is not the sharpest tool in the shed. After Fox leaves the room, Kay – that’s right – talks to herself. She says, “There’s something fishy about Siren.” Get it? GET IT????

Now – a few weeks ago, Miguel met this crusty old Gorton’s Fisherman type. Let’s just call him Gorton (even though his name is Carl). Gorton has a tattoo depicting a mermaid. Miguel is totally weirded out by it, because the tattoo looks exactly like Siren, so much so that Miguel at first thought she must have modeled for it. But that’s impossible, because the guy has had the tattoo for forty years, and Siren can’t be that old! Or can she?

As faithful students of Passions, you won’t be surprised to hear that in fact the tattoo does not look that much like Siren. But let’s pretend, okay? So Gorton tells Miguel that the tattoo is of a MERMAID he saw forty years ago. That’s right, Gorton knows that mermaids are real. Oh no! Will Siren’s true identity be exposed? Or is Gorton just a crazy, senile old man? Am I allowed to vote for both?

Indistinguishable from the real thing.

Miguel invites Gorton to watch the photo shoot, which is going to be held right there on the docks. Gorton says he can’t, because he’s going out cod fishing. He establishes the important plot point that he has buckets and buckets of really vile-smelling bait. “You’ve gotta let the bait rot for weeks.” Remember that.

All right, I confess. This guy doesn’t so much look like the Gorton’s Fisherman, except for being old, and being a fisherman. Actually – I don’t know much about fishing, but to me, he looks like he’s dressed for fly fishing. Not for fishing out on the high seas, with a big boat and a big net, but for the kind of fishing where you sit around with a pole trying to catch, like, one fish at a time. Isn’t that what this hat and vest mean? Nice job, Passions wardrobe department.

I’m sure this outfit will hold up great in a nor’easter.

So Siren walks up, and Gorton is flabbergasted to see his mermaid again after forty years. Either that, or he’s astonished by the way that her chest continues to defy gravity in a wide variety of bikini tops.

Is there helium in those things?

Gorton’s shock and awe are our mini cliffhanger, and with that, we go to Rome. Ah, fake Rome. City of fake Romans. Noah is sitting in the generic restaurant talking to himself. He is very upset because a little while ago, he went to Fancy’s hotel suite to talk to her, and he found her asleep in bed with Luis.

Here I owe you an explanation, because at the end of my last recap, Fancy was busy having the life smothered out of her by psycho Beth while Luis chattered away on the phone in the bathroom. Well, the short version is that Fancy didn’t die. The longer version is that she wrestled sexily with Beth, and finally Luis got out of the bathroom and captured Beth. So Fancy learned that her “friend” of the last few days or weeks was actually Beth.

Beth then engaged in a bunch of psychotic ranting about how she’s going to kill Fancy, et cetera. At one point, she managed to slam Fancy into a wall, and Fancy started bleeding profusely from the head. Luis was so concerned about her that he let go of Beth so he could tend to Fancy’s injury. Beth escaped and Fancy was fine. But after all of that, she and Luis were both so freaked out that they just had to curl up in bed together for comfort and snuggliness. Oh, and Luis had to not wear a shirt. You understand, it’s part of the job.

If you’ll be my bodyguard….

Noah walked in (did he have a key? Oh, never mind), and Fancy woke up while he was there. Noah yelled at her, and she kind of didn’t defend herself that much. You know – she would say “No, you have it all wrong,” but she wouldn’t just come out and say “Actually, we didn’t have sex, and Beth just tried to kill me.” She also didn’t really hammer home what should have been the main point, which is that she and Noah are broken up, so it’s none of his damn business who she’s in bed with.

Now Noah is talking to himself in the restaurant. He is in great emotional pain. How could his good buddy Luis do this to him? By the way, earlier in the week, Noah managed to rescue Jessica from that nasty predicament she was in where Spike was holding her at knifepoint. Of course, Spike got away too, so that storyline is back to square one.

Back in the hotel suite, Fancy is crying in Luis’s arms, because of the fight she just had with Noah. She tells Luis the cause of the fight – that Noah now thinks that Fancy and Luis did the deed. Luis chuckles and gives Fancy another nice, big, shirtless hug.

There’s no place like Rome.

Elsewhere in the city, Theresa, Ethan, and Chad are having a conversation about who could possibly have orchestrated bringing them all to Rome for evil purposes. Remember when we last saw Theresa? She was in J.T. Cornell’s apartment, on the phone with Rebecca and Gwen, taunting them about how she could now prove that they were the ones who tipped the tabloids about Ethan being illegitimate.

Well, things didn’t work out so hot for Theresa after that. She wanted to escort J.T. right on over to tattle to Ethan, but on account of all the roofies J.T. had ingested, he was too passed out to go anywhere. So then, she decided she would just show Ethan the picture of J.T. and Rebecca in bed, but J.T. was passed out on top of the picture. Finally, Theresa decided to go and get Ethan and bring him over to J.T.’s apartment.

Unfortunately, while Theresa was gone, J.T. sobered up enough to answer the phone, and Rebecca told him to get himself, the picture, and the answering machine tape out of the apartment before Theresa got back. He did, and so when Theresa returned with Ethan, there was no evidence at all. Ethan ended up accusing Theresa of hallucinating the entire episode. Meanwhile, J.T. went out to the piazza and got arrested for public drunkenness. Well, it’s about time somebody did.

Also this week, there has been a lot of talk about Alistair Crane. Everybody keeps musing that he is really the only person they know who is evil enough and all-powerful enough to bring them all to Rome in some kind of crazy master plan. But, everyone keeps saying, he couldn’t be the guilty party, because he’s back in Harmony in a coma.

A couple of days ago, some of the poor saps who are stuck back in Harmony themselves decided to make double-triple-sure that Alistair is really still in a coma. Julian, Eve, Sheridan, and Chris all went over to Alistair’s nursing home. Sheridan was convinced that Alistair’s bed would be empty, because she’s been having these dreams and visions in which he taunts her, and she’s kind of psychic.

I hope Alistair brushes his teeth before he appears in Sheridan’s visions.

When they got to the nursing home, Alistair was right there in bed. Dr. Eve checked him out and said, “Yup, he’s still in a coma, all right.” Julian wanted to make sure, so he stuck Alistair in the hand with a giant needle. Nice doctoring, EVE. Alistair didn’t respond to the needle, so they all just left.

Chris acted really shady throughout this whole excursion. Specifically, he was talking to himself inside his head about how he knows Alistair better than they all think he does. Also, he kept trying to convince them all not to worry about Alistair being behind the Rome plot. So, you see, Chris is secretly evil. Yawn.

So today in Rome, Theresa and Ethan and Chad are having that same boring conversation. “Alistair is an evil mastermind!” “Yes, but he’s in a coma!” And so on and so on.

Okay – now, here comes the good part. Cut to EvilMonk in the catacombs. He is picking at the side of his face. To understand why, you have to know what happened yesterday.

On yesterday’s (Thursday’s) show, Whitney finally wised up and started backtalking EvilMonk. At first, EvilMonk just talked a bunch of smack right back to her. Their conversation went something like this:

Whitney: I don’t think you’re really God’s messenger.
EvilMonk: Am too!
Whitney: No, you might be evil!
EvilMonk: You’re the one who’s evil! You had sex with your brother!
Whitney: Well, you tried to make me leave Chad to die in the cave-in! That’s not very nice.
EvilMonk: Your baby is the spawn of incest!
Whitney: Well, you’re creepy! You always have that stupid hood covering your face. I’m going back to Harmony.
EvilMonk: You better not!
Whitney: I know you are, but what am I?
EvilMonk: I am rubber and you are glue, what bounces off me sticks to you.

I have to say, I really lost respect for EvilMonk during this conversation. I mean, you’re a freakin’ Evil Monk, and you’re alone with this girl in some dark, scary catacombs. Show some balls. Whether you’re God’s messenger or not, you ought to able to at least slam her into a wall or something.

Whitney got so fresh with him that she eventually went right up and snatched the hood off of his head. So his face was finally revealed! From her shocked reaction, it seemed like he was someone she knew, but after commercial, it turned out that he just had a horribly disfigured face.

This is when Whitney squandered all of the brand-new I.Q. points she had worked so hard to save up. As soon as she saw that EvilMonk was all deformed-looking, she immediately felt guilty and started being nice to him again. No, Whitney! Not all ugly people are forces for good! What about Carrot Top? Do you think he’s God’s messenger too?

She asked EvilMonk how he got his melted-looking face, and he gave her the vaguest line of bullshit ever: “It happened when I was fighting against the Devil.” Um, that’s it? That’s your big story? How about a few more details. Like, were you and the Devil jockeying for position in the buffet line? Or maybe he stole your parking space. Whatever – Whitney didn’t even ask. She was just oh-so-impressed with his Devil-fighting credentials. She was all, “Oh, you made such a noble sacrifice! I’m sorry I ever doubted you.”

Memo to the world: If you are hideous to look at, Whitney will do whatever you want. Would you like her to wash your car? Don’t shower or comb your hair for a month. Want her to sleep with you? Fake a nasty skin condition. Or do you want her to forsake her friends and family and steal something from the Pope? Well, then you’re going to have to go all the way and make it look like your face got melted off in a fire.

Whitney was all apologetic and she left to do whatever is the next step in her mission. After she was gone, EvilMonk started in with the evil laugh and the self-talking, about how that was a close one, and she must never know his true identity. And then we got the big reveal – Passions style.

You know how sometimes on Alias or whatever, someone will pull off their face and it turns out it was a mask and they have a totally different face underneath? Well, that’s what happened here, only it was filmed in the most low-budget way possible. First, EvilMonk started pulling at the side of his face. Then – I kid you not – he CASUALLY WALKED BEHIND A LARGE PILLAR. (I think my brother and I used this “special effect” in some movies we made when we were about nine.)

I’m sure the camera wasn’t turned off during this sequence at all.

When he came out the other side, about half of his mask was off. Then, the camera cut down to his hands, now holding his mask and fake hair. And finally, the camera cut back up to his face, now uncovered, and he was revealed to be – Alistair Crane!

Yes, that’s right. Who knows how he pulled it off, but EvilMonk is really Alistair. Not that shocking, since everyone on the show keeps saying there is only one evil genius qualified to execute this whole devious plan. I guess the coma patient in the nursing home back in Harmony is some poor schlub who’s been plastic-surgerized into Alistair’s double. (I’m giving Dr. Eve the benefit of the doubt and assuming she can tell the difference between a coma patient and, say, a styrofoam dummy.)

One thing I still don’t know is how Alistair is changing his voice when he talks to Whitney, and whomever else he talks to. His voice as EvilMonk is different enough that I am pretty sure it’s a different actor. Maybe this will be explained eventually. Or maybe it won’t. By the way, you may recognize Alistair (John Reilly) as Kelly’s dad from 90210, or as Sean Donely from General Hospital.

On Friday, Passions re-aired the big reveal of Alistair’s face. So once Alistair gets his rubber face off (again), he does some more self-talking and some more self-evil-cackling. His main theme is how stupid everyone is for not knowing that it’s him. He is so pleased with himself that he smokes a cigar, which he lights off of one of the zillions of religious candles that are around.

But oh, crap! Whitney unexpectedly comes back into the room. Alistair thinks fast and returns to his “hood covering the face” routine. Whitney is disappointed. She thinks that now that she’s seen his face once, he should keep showing it. “You earned those scars, doing God’s work,” she tells him. But he actually replies, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Then he gives her a line about how after all these years, the hood is kind of his thing. You know, it’s like his signature walk or something, and she shouldn’t cramp his style.

Don’t knock the hood until you’ve tried it.

Then Whitney wants to know what she smells. It’s his cigar, but he claims that it’s incense. Whitney finds this charming, and says that she hasn’t been to a church that uses incense in a long time. “I am … old school,” he replies.

Now, here’s what’s going on with Whitney’s mission. You see, it doesn’t involve actually GOING into the Pope’s private apartment. It involves going there … INSIDE OF A VIRTUAL-REALITY HEADSET. Here is the best Passions dialogue of the day. I swear I am not making up any part of this conversation:

EvilMonk: Oh, you found the virtual-reality headset. Good.
Whitney: Yes, I did. I’m so sorry I lost the last one in the cave-in.
EvilMonk: No matter. Are you ready to return to the Virtual Vatican and search for the chalice? We must find the Pope’s secret chamber.
Whitney: Yes. I have prayed for strength, and I’m ready now.

Incidentally, I know I have mocked the alleged “total transformation” of Whitney’s appearance, but I have to say that her not-found-in-nature blue contacts actually freak me out.

I can see into your soul.

Back in Harmony, Gorton is gushing over Siren. Miguel allows as how Siren looks like the girl in the tattoo, but doesn’t have “a big ugly fish-tail.” Siren is offended, but keeps her mouth shut. Gorton decides to stay for the photo shoot. Siren tries to sneak a snack out of the bait bucket, but she doesn’t have time.

Luis has to go out looking for Beth, so he calls Theresa over to be Fancy’s substitute bodyguard. Yes, this is ridiculous – as Fancy herself points out, “I could take Theresa.” But Luis says there is safety in numbers. Before he leaves, he lectures Theresa about her ongoing involvement with the Crane family. He says that the Cranes are corrupt, although Sheridan and Fancy are exceptions.

After Luis leaves, Fancy admits to Theresa that she was eavesdropping on their conversation about the Cranes. Fancy defends her grandpa Alistair, because he has always been nice to her. It’s established that Fancy is the only person Alistair likes. This will presumably end up having something to do with how Fancy is the only person in Rome who doesn’t have much of a reason for being there.

Beth is “outside,” dressed up as a nun. EvilMonk comes up to her and yanks her chain a little bit about how he hasn’t seen her in church lately, but then he reveals that he is Alistair. Beth is delighted, squeals “Daddy!”, and tries to give him a big hug. He keeps her at arm’s length and rather unconvincingly claims that he’s there to help her.

Father-daughter reunion.

Once again, Miguel and Siren are making out at their photo shoot, and the photographer is gushing again about their amazing sexual chemistry. Suddenly the photographer is nauseated by the stench of rotten fish and rushes out of the room. Everybody takes five, and Siren sees her opportunity to eat grab a snack.

Miguel and Kay are having a sappy nostalgic conversation when Gorton interrupts them, all pissed off that somebody stole all his bait fish. Just then Siren comes in and lets out a huge burp. Kay looks like she might be onto her.

Theresa and Fancy act all girly together in the hotel suite, trying on clothes and looking at fashion sketches. Oh yeah, I forgot that Fancy actually works for Theresa, since Theresa is the acting head of Crane Industries and Fancy is, er, a designer for “Crane Couture.” Fancy updates Theresa about her near-fatal encounter with Beth.

It bugs me a little that Theresa is all best friends with Fancy now. From day one of this show, Theresa was best friends with Whitney, and I liked how they stuck with that for years, even with them both having their own storylines. Usually, people on soaps don’t really have friends, or if they do, they rapidly forget about it when it’s not convenient. Which is what Theresa has done now. I mean, everyone knows that Whitney is missing and in some kind of danger in the catacombs, and the only one who even bothers to mention her is Chad. Lame.

Luis runs into Noah in the restaurant, and Noah punches him. “That’s for jumping into bed with my girl the minute I turned my back!” Yay! More punching, please!

Bring on the punching!

Alistair tells Beth that he wants everyone to think he’s in a coma so he can carry out his plan in secret. He also tells her that he’s the one who rigged it so Luis would come to Rome. Beth is not happy to hear this, since Luis being in Rome is dangerous for her. Alistair says that he trusts her to be able to keep Luis distracted without actually getting caught. Then he talks to himself inside his head, and lets us know that he really doesn’t give a damn about what happens to Beth – he’s just using her. Out loud, he tells Beth that when he gets the chalice, it will give him enough power to rule the world.

Cue Whitney and her VR headset. She seems nervous. Why? Am I missing something? What can actually happen to you when you are standing alone in a room, wearing a stupid headset? Clearly, I’m not up-to-date on the technology. And you would think I would be, because I was watching Days a few years ago when they did this EXACT SAME STORYLINE. It was John Black in the headset, and no, he wasn’t looking for a chalice – I think he was looking for Marlena. But it was the same thing – it might have even been the same headset! I guess it isn’t plagiarism when you’re ripping off yourself. (Same headwriter, James E. Reilly.)

Here’s Whitney in the headset:

Whitney wearing the headset.

And here’s what we see when she’s wearing it:

The magical Whitney inside of the headset.

I don’t know if that means she can see herself walking around, or what. You would think it would be a view of what she’s actually looking at. Anyway, in headset world, she presses on some secret wall, and just like that, she’s in the Pope’s private chambers.

Ethan and Chad dash into the restaurant and break up the fight between Noah and Luis. Noah says that Luis slept with Fancy, but Luis denies it. Noah and Chad leave, and then Luis tells Ethan again that he did not sleep with Fancy, and he would never betray Sheridan like that. Ethan believes him.

Fancy and Theresa gripe about men. In case you wondered, yes, they are drinking. And in case you wondered, yes, they are pouring their drinks out of the crystal decanter in their suite. They speculate some more about the identity of the evil mastermind, and Fancy says that for once, no one can blame her grandfather.

Bottoms up!

Beth wants to know if she can have her own all-powerful chalice, but Alistair says no. Yeah, my dad would never let me have one of those either. He tells her she’s safe as long as she does what he says. Then he totally tricks her with a “Hey, look over there!” so he can disappear behind a secret door.

The secret door leads Alistair back to Whitney and the headset. He is hooded again, of course. Whenever he’s hiding his identity like this, I’m going to keep calling him EvilMonk. Whitney talks EvilMonk through what she’s finding inside the goggles. She finds a large gold key.

Kay detects the smell of fish on Siren’s breath and suggests a connection to the missing bait. Kay and Siren get into an argument. Kay raises her hand to Siren, and Siren falls into the water. Everyone comes over to the edge of the dock, looks down, and sees Siren treading water. She tries to get them all to go away and let her climb out of the water on her own, but instead, they throw down a big fishing net and haul her up.

Kay yells out, “Holy mackerel!” (Get it? Again?) You see, when Siren fell into the water, her legs turned back into a tail, and now they all know she’s a mermaid. And guess what – the tail looks super-fake. You can see the outline of her legs inside it, and you can see sequins sewn onto fabric. Yeesh.

Whitney uses the gold key to unlock some kind of weird keyhole. A compartment slides open and the chalice emerges.

One chalice to rule them all.

She tells EvilMonk she can see it, and he mutters to himself about all the power that is about to be his.

It’s mine! All mine! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

That’s all, folks. The previews tell us almost nothing: Siren is still a mermaid. Alistair still wants the chalice. Unfortunately, May sweeps are now over, so we might be going back to the Passions where nothing ever happens. See you next week!