Crazy Like A Fox

Passions!

Chad and Whitney gaze down at their no-longer-incest-born son, Miles. They fondle each other and gush about how happy they are that they can be together now. Just in case we had forgotten how disgusting this storyline was, Chad recalls that when he and Whitney thought they were brother and sister, they continued to lust after each other the whole time. Whitney says nothing will ever tear them apart now, and Chad gazes off into the distance, reminding us that he is carrying around some sort of secret.

Over at Tabitha’s house, it’s been pretty much non-stop action since my last recap. First of all, Kay and Tabitha succeeded in completing the spell to lift the Mermaid’s Curse from Fox, so that he can be free to have sex with mortal women (Kay) again. However, there’s a catch: The last part of the spell required Kay to make Fox angry enough to kill, which she did by causing him to walk in on her and Miguel making out. Fox never let on that he’d seen anything; instead, he went for a walk and talked to Julian, who is newly bitter and evil himself over his failing relationship with Eve. Julian brought out the worst in Fox, and ever since then, Fox has been hiding the fact that he saw Kay and Miguel together. He has secretly turned evil and has been plotting Miguel’s murder in a variety of ways. (The hilarious clipgasm posted by B-Side is one of Fox’s murder fantasies.)Right now, Fox is trying to convince Kay to move up their wedding date and marry him immediately. I guess this is part of some sick revenge plot. In any case, she’s hemming and hawing and trying to get out of it. She tells him that they can’t get married without their parents there; they can move up the date, but it can’t be right away. Fox flashes back to Kay steaming it up with Miguel, and he gets crazy eyes to show us that he is eeeeeeevil now. It’s a sudden transformation, and I love it. They’re even dressing him more evil, in a slightly goth T-shirt and kind of thuggish hair.

Thugz rule!

Theresa is ranting to Jared in her office about the lawsuit that’s just been filed against Crane. There’s been a ton of action in this quarter too. This guy named Stuart is suing Crane because they stole his patent and fired him years ago, and get this – Ethan is representing him. Ethan is apparently on a mission to sue Theresa simultaneously in as many venues as possible, the other being her custody fight with Julian. But the plot is thicker than it sounds. Since my last recap, Theresa slept with Jared for the first time, but Ethan walked in on them and was totally devastated. After that, Ethan and Theresa ACCIDENTALLY HAD SEX WITH EACH OTHER YET AGAIN.

Yes, that’s right. Theresa and Ethan had sex, and neither of them knew it was happening. She thought he was Jared, and he thought she was Gwen. You see, they were all staying in a hotel, and there was a power failure, and Ethan went to the wrong room and climbed into the wrong bed. I know you’re thinking that there must be more to it than that – were they drugged? Drunk? Hypnotized? Nope – just brain-dead, I guess. Afterward, they both freaked out and vowed never to tell anyone, and right after that is when Ethan decided to take Stuart’s case, I guess as a kind of Theresa purge.

Chris is in his new office at Crane, looking over some paperwork, when Spike strolls on in for a little chat. Chris is not happy to see him. Spike is deciding which yacht to buy with the millions that he’s forcing Chris to embezzle from Crane. Chris tells Spike that it’s going to take time for him to siphon off that much money. Spike says that he’s interested in getting the money quickly and leaving town, but nonetheless, Chris shouldn’t assume that he’s going to be out from under Spike’s thumb. Their relationship is going to last indefinitely. Otherwise, Spike will tell Sheridan about Chris’s connection to Alistair. They discuss how Chris will transfer the Crane money from account to account, using a bunch of banking codes that he has in a binder. Um, hasn’t Chris only worked at Crane for a couple of days? Seems like an awful lot of access.

You’re my bitch, bitch.

Sheridan is standing outside the police station mooning over Luis. She was unfortunate enough to see him making out with Fancy in the Crane pool earlier this week. I’m not sure who was more nauseated – Sheridan or me. Luis and Miguel walk out of the police station together, and Sheridan hides behind a bush. She hears Luis advising Miguel to follow his heart regarding Kay. When Sheridan hears Luis talking about how the only thing that matters is being with the person whom you love, she’s deeply affected. So much so that she talks to herself, there behind the bush, about how Luis is right.

Theresa tells Jared that she can’t wait to go up against Ethan in court. She thinks that the contract Stuart signed when he was working for Crane gave Crane the right to his patent. Jared warns her that Ethan is a good lawyer. Theresa says that she thinks Ethan took the case partly because he can’t stand the fact that she’s over him. Yes, that’s right, and that’s called a conflict of interest, boys and girls. Can you say “conflict of interest”? Theresa thanks Jared for turning down a proposal that Julian made to him earlier in the week, offering to pay him extra on the side if he would spy on Theresa, I guess for use in the custody case. Jared says that Theresa can trust him, and he’s falling in love with her. Of course, she’s keeping this pesky little secret that she just slept with Ethan about two minutes ago.

Luis tells Miguel that Luis blew it with Sheridan when he refused to believe that Marty was Sheridan’s son, not Beth’s. Miguel needs to make sure that he doesn’t blow it too. Miguel leaves, Luis goes back inside, and Sheridan talks to herself some more about how you have to believe in love. By the way, Miguel is wearing a very girly necklace.

I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay….

Chad and Whitney watch TV and eat popcorn as Miles sleeps. Chad pauses to pimp NFL on NBC. Then he reminisces about how he grew up on the mean streets, and so his “normal” life with Whitney is beyond his wildest dreams. They talk some more about how nothing will ever break them apart, and then they kiss. Chad’s phone rings, and Whitney makes a not-joke about how it’s lucky that she’s not the jealous type, because Chad sure does get a lot of mysterious phone calls. He takes the call outside, where Whitney can’t hear him, and says, “Yeah, I can see you tonight. I missed you too.” Now, all this time I’ve been assuming that we’re being set up to think Chad’s talking to a girlfriend, when he’s really talking to some sort of secret-agent contact. But I have to admit that “I missed you” seems like an awfully strange thing to say to one’s boss or fellow spy, so maybe he really is a big cheater. Chad tells the person on the phone that he can meet him/her in about thirty minutes in the usual place. He also looks out the window and says he can see him/her, so apparently they’re right across the street or something.

Fox covers Kay’s eyes and walks her into the living room for a surprise. He’s very creepy as he fondles her and mutters into her ear about their past and the way they fell in love. He’s wearing excessive jewelry that makes him look even more shady. Fox talks about trust and how if it’s broken, things can never be the same. He asks Kay if she still trusts him and if she would ever betray him. She thinks out loud inside her own head, wondering if he saw her making out with Miguel. Finally he uncovers her eyes and reveals the surprise. It’s a candlelit dinner.

One watch on each wrist??

Kay tells Fox how much she loves her surprise and how wonderful he is. Then he gives her a necklace. She is genuinely touched by how well he treats her, and she obviously feels a little guilty about the makeout session with Miguel, even though she was only doing it to break the Mermaid’s Curse. Just then, Miguel shows up at the door with flowers. He looks in the window and sees Kay and Fox at the romantic candlelit table.

Theresa is on the phone with her son, telling him that she has to work late but will see him early in the morning. She still looks depressed when Jared comes in with case files and champagne. Very professional! Theresa okays him opening the champagne. Wait, didn’t you just tell your young son that you have to work late, but you’ll get up early to play with him? And now you’re drinking champagne with your boyfriend in the office? Classy. Jared tells Theresa that Ethan can’t be that smart if he chose another woman over Theresa. They make out, but Jared finally notices that they aren’t doing any work, so he leaves. But he asks Theresa to meet him in half an hour in his office, and she agrees. Really, a whole half-hour of work before the next makeout session? Those are some pretty cruel and unusual labor conditions. They might want to contact their union rep.

Spike tries to get inside Chris’s head by suggesting that Sheridan is still in love with Luis. Chris claims not to be worried. He says that Sheridan is completely over Luis. The discussion gets a little heated. Chris ends up implying that he might kill Luis if Luis gets between him and Sheridan. Of course, this plays right into Spike’s hands, because Spike wants Chris to kill Luis so that he won’t figure out that Spike is the one who shot Chris and Pilar. Chris gets upset and storms out of the office; Spike goes with him, but after a few seconds, Spike slips back in. I guess Chris must have gone blind and deaf or something. Of course, Spike wants to steal the access codes to all of those bank accounts.

Sheridan finally walks into the police station. She fantasizes about being married to Luis. Her fantasy consists largely of Luis telling her how beautiful she is. Remember, this is her fantasy, not his, so it pretty much proves that she’s a total bimbo. Suddenly she remembers her commitment to Chris, and she walks out of the police station again without Luis ever noticing that she was standing behind him for a good long while. That’s some crack detective work there, Luis. For some reason, he DOES hear it when she leaves, and so he runs out the door after her and conveniently falls on top of her on the sidewalk.

Huh. Somehow I think in real life, that would hurt.

Miguel spies on Fox and Kay as they drink champagne and moon over each other. Miguel starts to pay attention to how much money Fox is spending on Kay – the champagne, the necklace, etc. – in contrast to the handful of lowly carnations that Miguel is carrying himself. For a minute, he decides that he can’t compete with Fox, but then he flashes back to Luis talking to him about love overcoming all obstacles. (I love how this show airs flashbacks to things that happened like fifteen minutes ago.)

Whitney talks about the movie that she and Chad just watched, in which the surprise twist was that the guy was cheating on the girl. Chad points out that if she’d been paying attention, she would have seen a clue near the beginning of the movie. She laughs at herself for not noticing it. Then Chad tells her that he has to go to work – something about “the Pacific Rim project” and the time difference. I guess Chad works at Crane, along with everyone else on this show except for poor Miguel, who has to work on a fishing boat even though his sister is the head of the entire corporation. Chad plays the “I’ll stay if you want me to” card, but Whitney lets him go.

Right on, sister. Uh, poor choice of words.

Luis apologizes for knocking Sheridan down onto the sidewalk. He asks her what she’s doing there and she hesitates. They go back inside. She still won’t reveal why she’s there. God, I am so sick of them. Finally she kinda sorta admits that she’s there because she has some kind of feelings, but her feelings are wrong, Chris, Fancy, blah blah blah. Luis straight-up tells her that Fancy is his second choice and he’d never be with her if he could have Sheridan. Wow, that was pretty unambiguous. Sorry, Fancy! Luis tells Sheridan that he will always love her. She says it was a mistake for her to come there. Yes, it was, because it really annoyed the hell out of your recapper. Sheridan finally admits that Luis is the love of her life, and they kiss. Chris walks up to the building and sees them through the window. Uh-oh.

Miguel continues to spy through the window and talk to himself about his feelings for Kay. He still blames himself for leaving Kay and Maria when he was searching for Charity. He says that he and Kay are meant to be a family with their daughter. Inside the house, Kay and Fox slow-dance. They’re both dressed very casually, which is a little bit incongruous with the fancy dinner setup. In a very psycho-killer tone of voice, Fox tells Kay that she belongs to him, body and soul. She doesn’t seem disturbed at all, but just in case we were wondering if he’s psychotic or not, he thinks out loud inside his head some more about how Kay belongs to him.

Chad shows up for his rendezvous and starts to get into the shower with someone.

Okay, definitely not his boss. I hope.

Spike sits at Chris’s desk and leafs through the banking codes. He hears someone coming, so he grabs his trusty switchblade and hides. Theresa walks into the room and says that Chris must have forgotten to lock up. She notices that the bank codes are out on the desk, so she locks those in the desk. Just as she turns out the light, someone grabs her shoulder. We’re supposed to think it’s Spike, but it’s totally Jared or Ethan. That’s our big cliffhanger.

Other stuff that’s happened since my last recap: Juliet Mills, who plays Tabitha, seems to have gone on vacation. The storyline explanation is that she’s contracted a “witches’ virus” and has to fly to Saturn for a cure; Kay will babysit Endora. Meanwhile, though, the show had a different actress playing Tabitha for the first couple of days of this vacation, and it was pretty damn funny how they did that. They put Tabitha in a full-body beekeeper suit and mask to keep her from spreading the disease, and they had her explain that the disease caused her to look and sound different. The person inside the beekeeper suit was at least a head shorter than Juliet Mills, and although she had an English accent, other than that she sounded completely different. It was, er, creative recasting. I hope the real Tabby is not gone too long.

There was more of the usual with Julian and Eve, where they tried to have dinner together but she had to leave because of T.C. Simone and her girlfriend Rae double-dated with Paloma and her boyfriend Roberto. Fancy refused to quit the police academy, even though Luis said he can’t date her as long as she’s a cadet. Martin Lopez-Fitzgerald briefly showed his face and explained that he hasn’t visited Pilar at the hospital because she won’t let him. Oh, and Jessica got attacked again, and Paloma rescued her again. This is virtually a daily occurrence. This time, Spike actually set Jessica up; he was trying to pimp her for profit without her knowledge. It was sad because Jess thinks Spike really loves her. And I don’t think we’ve seen the last of Siren, despite the apparent end of the Mermaid’s Curse.

Previews: Miguel tells Kay that he loves her. Theresa tells Ethan that he has to let her go, and he says he can’t. Sheridan tells Luis that she can’t leave Chris. And unfortunately, I have to go away on a three-week business trip to a country where there is no Passions, so it will be a while until my next recap. Please watch the show for me while I’m gone!