Dirty Laundry

This week on Passions, Alistair finally cracks the coded inscription on the chalice, so very soon we should find out what godlike powers he now possesses. Hopefully, he’ll grow to be 200 feet tall and start shooting lightning bolts out of his eyes. That’s my vote; what’s yours? Elsewhere, Kay practically performs a striptease on top of a washing machine, and we learn some disturbing facts about the love life of Beth’s aged, incontinent mother. Perhaps best of all, Spike is still alive and still pimping, and we get to see another scene in that slammin’ nightspot, Prometheus. Hey, we have to enjoy Rome while we still have it. I mean, “Rome.”Kay and Miguel are doing laundry. Sexy laundry. He’s shirtless and she’s in a tight little T-shirt and shorts. I keep expecting this scene to devolve into a porno movie, but it never happens. Miguel waxes contemplative about missing the first year (? or more?) of their daughter Maria’s life. The very, very sore subject of Siren is raised and then dropped like a hot potato, and then the washing machine starts to make a loud banging noise.

Now, remember, this is all happening at Tabitha’s house – Kay, Fox, Miguel, Siren, and Maria all live there, along with Tabitha and Endora. You see, Kay moved in with Tabitha a long time ago, because she wasn’t getting along with her parents. She was a single mom and Tabitha was happy to have her living there so they could be two single moms together. Plus, Kay already knew Tabitha was a witch, so there was no security risk there.

Then, Kay started dating Fox and he moved in too. Why? Fox is rich. Couldn’t he get his own place, where Kay and Maria could live too? Then Miguel came back from his out-of-town search for Charity, and he moved in also, I guess so he could be close to Maria. Then, only a few weeks after that, Miguel met Siren and she moved in with him at Tabitha’s after ONE DAY. (Of course, it’s an important plot point that Miguel and Siren aren’t sleeping together, so the fact that they are living together is even more lame.)

At this point, Tabitha is running what amounts to a flophouse. I have no idea what’s in it for her – she doesn’t even like Siren, and she constantly has to stay on her toes to keep Miguel and Fox from finding out she’s a witch. But the good news is that Passions saves money on sets this way.

Obviously, Tabitha isn’t making any money off of all these bums who crash at her house. Kay explains that the washing machine makes this loud banging noise all the time, and you just have to climb up onto it and reach behind it and do something to these wires to fix it. This is news to Miguel, which implies that this is the first time he has ever done laundry in all of his weeks in the house. Maybe this explains his lack of a shirt to do laundry in, as well as his frequent lack of a shirt generally.

Cut to Rome, where it has been revealed that (gasp) Beth and Marty are alive. That didn’t take long. Of course, Luis doesn’t know they’re alive, but we do. Beth and Marty are on the run, and they’ve stopped at a stereotypical Italian restaurant to get something to eat. When they arrived there early in the week, they got a big surprise: Beth’s mom, Edna Wallace, runs the restaurant, along with her pal, crazy Norma Bates.

Mrs. Wallace is a very funny character who was an integral part of Beth’s previous storylines. She and Beth hate each other; back in Harmony, they lived together, and there were frequent jokes about Mrs. Wallace’s diapers and Beth’s desperate wish to put her in a home. Due to their impoverished circumstances, the Wallaces hired an orangutan as Edna’s caretaker. (Thanks to the commenter who set me straight that it was NOT a chimp.) Unfortunately, Precious the primate has not been brought back to take part in Mrs. Wallace’s current cameo.

I missed the end of Beth’s last storyline in Harmony, but apparently Mrs. Wallace wound up in a loony bin, where she met up with Norma Bates. Norma is also a longtime recurring character, but a boring one. She is an axe murderer by trade and has made a long string of failed attempts to kill Tabitha. Why we are seeing her in Rome, I do not know.

In the restaurant, Beth and Edna trade barbs, with Beth calling her mother a “horrible old bat.” The toddler playing Marty earns my love forever when he cheerfully echoes, “old bat!” Edna wants Beth to give her some of Alistair’s money, but Beth claims that Alistair never gives her any. She reminds us that Edna was such a slut that she didn’t even know Alistair was Beth’s daddy until recently. Crazy Norma hears the word “daddy” and starts having a freakout. Apparently, she has daddy issues. (Remember, she’s supposed to be a female Norman Bates. Yawn.)

Theresa, Ethan, Gwen, and J.T. are in the catacombs. The way they got there is Passions at its most idiotic. You see, everybody figured out that Alistair was in Rome and trying to co-opt the chalice for his own purposes, so they all hustled over to the Church of the Blind Monks. (Yes, that’s what they all called it.) Alistair was there cackling over his chalice while J.T. hovered around nervously, trying to get Alistair to give him some money to get out of town.

The clump of people who showed up at the church was a bloodthirsty mob out for revenge. Luis blamed Alistair for Marty’s “death”; Noah was angry about the plot to keep him and Fancy apart. Fancy was there to find out the truth about her grandfather. Whitney, Chad, and the old nun were pissed about the whole “using Whitney to steal the chalice” thing. Theresa, Ethan, and Gwen were looking for J.T. But once they all got to the church, they found a big padlocked cell door between them and their prey. They could all see Alistair and J.T. and even reach through the bars, but they couldn’t unlock the lock, so Luis and Noah couldn’t kill Alistair like they wanted to.

Dumb and Dumber. And Dumbest.

Never mind the fact that a GUN would have solved this little logistical issue – it gets much dumber than that. You see, J.T. got nervous when he saw Theresa on the other side of the bars, so he bolted off into a side passageway. Theresa chased after him by going into a different passageway that was on her side of the bars. After a couple of minutes, she met up with J.T. in the catacombs.

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t this mean that Luis and Noah could have gotten to Alistair by going through this passageway? Instead, they spent a bunch of time frantically working at the padlock. Whatever; we’ll get back to them in a minute. At the moment, Theresa is once again frantically begging J.T. to tell Ethan the truth, as Ethan and Gwen look on. Theresa points out that she no longer has access to Alistair’s money, so if J.T. fesses up, Ethan can no longer say that he’s lying to get the reward. J.T. finally says he’ll tell the truth. Gwen looks panicked.

Just as J.T. is about to start talking, Whitney runs up. She’s just been talking to the crazy old psychic nun outside. Said nun told Whitney that someday she will be able to be with Chad again. So, there we have our confirmation that they are not really siblings, but Whitney doesn’t pick up on this cue. The nun also said that Theresa is going to suffer great heartache. For some reason, Whitney decided this meant she had to find Theresa immediately and bring her back to talk to the nun, so here she is, interrupting at a very awkward moment.

Whitney has shed her “disguise,” which means she has gotten rid of those creepy blue contacts and her light brown pageboy wig and is back to having brown eyes and long curly black hair. This “transformation” just serves to remind me once again of how not-different she looked the whole time she was supposed to be so unrecognizable. I mean, it’s Passions. Couldn’t she have just worn a rubber mask of someone else’s face? Problem solved.

Wait, is that a new character? Oh, no, it’s just Whitney.

Theresa and Gwen argue. Ethan cuts them off, as always, and urges J.T. to just spill it. There are many dramatic close-ups of people’s faces. Nothing happens.

Back at Chalice Central, Chad and Luis (and Noah and Fancy) have managed to pick the lock or something, and they are actually in the room with Alistair, who is still holding onto the chalice. He’s holding it casually like he’s sipping a drink at a garden party. That would be awesome if he decided to start using it for refreshing beverages. If I had an all-powerful holy chalice, I would totally use it for drinking diet Coke. I would go to public places and casually pull my chalice and my can of diet Coke out of my purse and then make a big show of pouring it and swirling it all around before taking sips. Then I would loudly smack my lips. What? I mean, it seems like a waste to just leave it home on the mantelpiece or someplace.

Luis wants to kill Alistair with his bare hands, but Chad says he can’t, because the chalice might be damaged in the process and then the world might end. No, really. Luis fakes everybody out, like, “Yeah, you guys are right,” and then he lunges at Alistair anyway and starts trying to strangle him to death. Meanwhile, Chad is trying to pry the chalice out of Alistair’s hand, but he’s holding on too tightly.

Back in Tabitha’s laundry room, Kay is sexily sprawled across the top of the washing machine, jiggling the wires behind it. Miguel says he’s going to use some of his modeling money to buy Tabby a new washing machine. Yes, I think that would be a nice gesture. As Kay writhes suggestively on the washer, Miguel sees some old baby clothes of Maria’s and waxes nostalgic again. He feels really bad about not being there for Kay and Maria.

In Mario and Luigi’s Bellissimo Ristorante Italiano, Norma is still having her daddy-related psychotic break. Edna explains to Beth that Norma has her daddy’s skull stashed back in Harmony. Beth calls Norma a wacko, and Norma overhears and lays into Beth for being a wacko herself. Beth objects on the ground that Marty is listening. Norma apologizes and introduces herself to Marty. She actually introduces herself as Luigi, which is apparently her alias, since she and Edna are living in Italy in hiding.

Fancy tries to make Luis stop killing Alistair. She tries several different arguments: He’s my grandfather! You don’t want this sin on your soul! Think of all the people who love you! You’ll go to jail! You’ll never see Sheridan again! Of course, this last one is the one that works, because Luis doesn’t give a shit about anything other than Sheridan. He lets Alistair go, and Fancy comforts her Grampy, whose neck kind of hurts.

J.T. flakes on Theresa yet again, pointing out that there’s now nothing in it for him when it comes to telling Ethan the truth. I’d say that’s valid. Whitney tries some more to get Theresa to come and talk to the nun; Theresa and Gwen bitch at each other some more.

Beth promises Marty that he’s going to see his daddy soon. Edna reacts with shock to the news that Luis is in Rome; Beth tells her that Luis thinks Beth and Marty are dead. Edna lays into Beth for torturing Luis and Marty this way. Beth threatens to send Edna back to the asylum, and then Norma comes over, and we get … a plot that we really … did not need.

Norma tells Beth, “Lay off of my Edna.” Beth cottons onto the fact that there is a love connection of some sort between Norma, living in drag as Luigi, and her mother. Edna kind of tries to deny it, but finally admits that they were on the run and “leaned on each other.” She gets in her own digs at Beth, recapping that Beth once also had a psychopathic mannish woman (Charlie) in love with her, and that she freely traded her kisses to said Charlie in exchange for assistance in keeping Sheridan prisoner. Beth points out that Charlie ultimately turned out to be Alistair in disguise. Yes, and that’s not gross at all that you were kissing him and then he turned out to be your father. What is it with this show and incest?

Norma chimes in then, to reminisce about when she and Edna were “working on that ranch.” And then, there is a Brokeback Mountain parody flashback scene, starring Edna and Norma. Wow, Passions, that’s really timely and topical. I can’t possibly do this scene justice. They trade lines about being hungry, and eating sheep, and eating beans, and then two hot shirtless cowboys come out of a tent and invite the two ladies to join them. I will say that I don’t get the punch line, when one of the two hot cowboys says that there’s plenty of room for all four of them in the tent, and Norma says, “Make it five.” Huh?

I wish I knew how to … oh, never mind.

After the flashback, Beth is squicked out and wants to leave, but Edna once again demands money. She applies some blackmail, so Beth leaves to try to meet Alistair and get the cash; Norma goes with her as security.

In the laundry room, Kay still can’t get the washer to work, so Miguel tries to help her. He randomly says that this is how he imagined marriage would be. Um, why would you say that to your babymama whom you have no plans to marry? Kay writhes around on top of the washer, and Miguel offers to “help [her] get more comfortable.” He does this by putting his hands on her hips and waist. Excuse me? Really, where is the BOMP-CHICKA-BOMP-BOMP music? I keep expecting the pizza delivery guy or the sweaty gardener to show up for a threesome. Just then, Kay touches the wrong wire and electrocutes them both. Yay!

Luis wants to haul Alistair off to jail, but Fancy thinks he needs medical attention. Alistair fakes sick and weak and then pulls a secret lever that caves in the ceiling of the catacombs: “You’ll never take me alive!” The building shakes and the walls and ceiling all fall down, both on the group at Chalice Central and on the group at J.T. Junction. More yay!

A lot of rubble falls on Theresa. Ethan tries to dig her out. Yay! Rubble falls on him too. Then it falls on Whitney and Chad, and on Luis and Fancy, and on Noah and Gwen … plenty of rubble for everybody! Oh, how cool it would be if they were all dead? Paloma and Simone could find them, and they could fly all of their bodies back to Harmony and have a mass funeral, and voilà, budget problems solved.

Sadly, back in Rubbletown after the commercial, Noah is the first to awaken and stand up. Oh, darn – Luis and Fancy are okay too, and they are conveniently in each other’s arms. They get up. Gee, that rubble really doesn’t seem too heavy. It’s almost as though it were made of Styrofoam or something! They all notice that they can’t find Alistair.

Softer and fluffier than a Tempurpedic.

In the other room, Chad and Whitney are fine, and also cozy in an “accidental” embrace. (Chad came running into that room to look for Whitney when the collapse started.) Gwen is fine. Ethan is fine, but he’s worried about Theresa; Gwen mutters, “It’s always Theresa.” Theresa gets up like a zombie and starts obsessively searching for J.T., who is seemingly buried under a tomblike pile of Styrofoam rubble. Ethan helps her dig. It’s fun to watch them pretending that the rubble is heavy – they do this by moving it slowly, but they don’t manage to create the impression that it involves any effort.

Chez Kay and Miguel, the washing machine starts to catch fire. Miguel wakes up and manages to put the fire out really easily, but he can’t get Kay to wake up. Finally, she does wake up, and they start making out. Which ALWAYS happens on soaps. If anyone is unconscious after a disaster, you can bet good money that this will lead to someone kissing someone that they are not supposed to kiss. Sometimes it goes further – in a similar situation on Days, Belle and Shawn ended up making an entire baby and not even remembering it.

Smoke inhalation is so sexy.

Gwen throws a little tantrum to try to get Ethan to stop digging up J.T. She says she needs food, rest, etc., and is nervous about staying in the catacombs where there might be another cave-in. Makes sense, but Ethan doesn’t listen to her. Anyway, it turns out that J.T., like Alistair and the chalice, has vanished. The cave-in victims, whose faces are all artfully smudged with dirt, commiserate about this. You know, Ethan should really be able to deduce for himself that Theresa is telling the truth about J.T. Would she really be so obsessed with finding this guy and making him talk to Ethan if she were actually the one who had tipped the tabloid?

Okay, most everything I have discussed so far happened on Thursday or before. At this point, I missed part of Friday’s show and thus a bit of Alistair’s getaway, but ultimately he does meet up with Beth in some sort of a library. No, wait: It’s the Crane library. Because Alistair had someone build him an exact replica of the library in the Crane mansion. In Rome. To use as a criminal hideout.

You might think this is a pretty creative way to save money on sets, but you would be wrong, because on Days, they sent half the cast to a mysterious deserted island that was just mysteriously built to be an exact replica of Salem. Now in Crane Library 2: Electric Boogaloo, Beth admires the chalice, but Alistair doesn’t want her to touch it. J.T. is there too, and he’s worried about being found. Alistair says there is one other person who knows about this location, but he won’t be stupid enough to reveal it to anyone.

Simone and Paloma are back at that hot new club Prometheus. I thought we had seen the last of that place, but I guess we have to get our money’s worth out of the set. They are watching Jessica and Spike on the dance floor; Jessica has apparently lost her mind, and/or she’s on drugs again. (Earlier in the week, Spike managed to wrest her gun away from her.) Noah, Luis, and Fancy are all there, on a mission to capture Spike, since all of Alistair’s other accomplices are either dead or missing. Spike is the last villain standing. I certainly never thought he was going to be alive for this long. Mazel tov, Spike!

Noah has apparently told Fancy the whole story about Lena, Maya, and why he has been such a bad, bad boyfriend. She doesn’t believe him, though, so it’s key that he secure Jessica and get her to confirm it. Luis and Noah pull Spike off of Jess and demand to know Alistair’s hiding place.

Spike’s last stand?

Fox, Siren, and Tabitha walk in on Miguel and Kay making out. Fox and Siren demand an explanation, but Kay conveniently has a seizure, so they call Dr. Eve over to the house to tend to her. Ivy (Fox’s mother) comes over too. Eve checks Kay out and says she’s okay, so Fox asks her about the kissing again. Oh boy. It appears that Kay’s electrical shock and seizure have jolted her into some sort of brain-scrambled condition, so that she now thinks that she and Miguel are a couple. Snore.

No wonder my shirts never get ironed.

Gwen and Ethan go back to their hotel room and get it on. I guess cave-ins are even sexier than laundry-room fires. Gwen gloats inside her head about the fact that J.T. is gone and her secrets are safe from Ethan.

With the cave-in safely out of the way, Whitney finally manages to drag Theresa to visit the nun. The nun says she can’t predict whether Theresa and Ethan will ever get back together or not; all she knows is that something will happen tonight to bond them more closely. By the way, it’s still the same night as the cave-in, but everyone now looks flawless. Theresa is beautifully made up, her hair is perfect, and she’s carrying the same purse that was recently buried in the rubble with her. The nun tells Theresa that she shouldn’t get too excited about being bonded with Ethan, because she’s also going to be in great pain. She doesn’t have any more details to offer. What an annoying psychic.

Edna and Norma are at Alistair’s hiding place, and he gives them some big stacks of cash. Unfortunately, Norma has now concluded that Alistair is her daddy, so she has another boring psychotic episode. Edna tosses out the idea of hocking the chalice for some additional cash, but Beth and J.T. explain to her that the chalice can’t be sold – it’s Alistair’s key to becoming all-powerful. He just has to crack the code, or read the inscription, or whatever.

Luis punches the crap out of Spike when he won’t give up Alistair’s location. He tells Spike that he’s going to be in big trouble with the law when they all get back to Harmony and Jessica testifies against him. Um, couldn’t Spike just – not go back to Harmony? Why would he happily hop on the plane and fly home to face charges? He’s not in any trouble with the Italian authorities, that I know of. Anyway, Spike gets Jess to drop the bombshell that they got married tonight, so she can’t testify against him.

Alistair finally finds the key to the chalice inscription in one of his books. He says a bunch of mumbo-jumbo and there’s a red light, and then it gets dark, and there’s an explosion noise, and the room shakes. All of the assorted villains in the room are very excited.

Thanks to All4Passions for the screencaps! Previews for Monday: Siren threatens Kay. Ethan browbeats Gwen about J.T. Luis threatens Spike.