Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

First of all, I would like to apologize to the billions of Passions fans who have been waiting far too long for me to post this recap. I got behind when I was away on business, and then I gave priority to catching up on my So You Think You Can Dance duties. Hopefully, this won’t happen again – I know a week without Passions is like a week without sunshine. In fact, I think I can feel myself developing a nasty case of rickets from the lack of vitamin D as we speak. Better get to work!

The good news is that the week I missed was only a three-day week. Passions didn’t air on July 6-7 because of Wimbledon. So I’m going to recap last week, focusing on Friday as usual, while also folding in that little three-day week from before. As you will see, not all that much happened, and we won’t have any trouble catching up.

Friday’s show opens in Rome. I am amazed that we are still in Rome; I thought that was all wrapping up at the end of May sweeps. Instead, most of the major storylines wrapped up, but so far, Passions hasn’t bothered to bring any of the characters home. I guess they’re trying to get their money’s worth out of those “piazza” sets. Also, they’ve suddenly remembered various smallish loose storyline threads having to do with Rome, and they have really surprised me by actually bothering to try to tie those up.

Good old Rome.

Theresa has just remembered the e-mail she received on the plane to Rome, lo these many months ago. To refresh your memory, this e-mail had three components. One, it said, “You will gain Ethan, but lose your love.” Two, it said, “Someone from Harmony will die in Rome.” And three, it contained the Omega Symbol, which has become a bit of an abandoned storyline thread in itself, although it’s being brought back to life, as you will see.

Theresa thinks that the “You will gain Ethan, but lose your love” part of the e-mail has all been resolved. Remember, it’s very similar to what the fat old Italian psychic nun told Theresa, which was, “You will receive information that will bind you to Ethan forever, but you will also suffer great pain.” The information Theresa got was J.T. Cornell’s revelation that her son Little Ethan was fathered by Ethan, not by Julian. Hence, Theresa and Ethan are bound together forever.

After dropping the paternity bombshell on Theresa, J.T. vanished again (possibly for good this time), but not before providing Theresa with paternity “evidence” in the form of his PDA. I have to briefly mention how stupid this “evidence” is. You see, when Theresa got pregnant with Little Ethan, she had just drunkenly married Julian on the rebound from Ethan. When she turned up pregnant, she realized that she had slept with both Ethan and Julian, but supposedly, she knew the baby was Julian’s because when she slept with Ethan, she was on the Pill.

Okay. So far, this is a little weak, but I’m following the plot. But now, J.T. has supplied “evidence” that Ethan is really the father. And this “evidence” is … “medical records” that show that Theresa was only on the Pill for one day.

Exsqueeze me? I’m not sure where to start. How about, first of all, why would someone be on the Pill for one day? And what type of medical records would exist to show that a person was on the Pill for one day? I’m pretty sure this could only be documented by a surveillance camera planted in Theresa’s medicine cabinet. And, perhaps most importantly, why didn’t Theresa know that she was only on the Pill for one day? Or did she know, but she just figured that a day was long enough? And, finally, let’s say that all of these concerns could be satisfied. How does any of this prove that Julian is not the father? At best, it just tells you that you might want to get a paternity test.

Anyway, Theresa was convinced by J.T.’s “evidence,” and she delightedly ran off and told Whitney. The way she explained it, it sounded like she doesn’t understand the basic workings of contraception. She told Whitney, “Yeah, I was on the Pill, but apparently I wasn’t on it long enough for it to work.” Oh, Theresa. You’re right – one day is not long enough. I can dimly remember that when I was eight or nine, I figured that a “birth control pill” (which I had heard about on the news) was probably something like an Alka-Seltzer that you could keep by your bed and just pop before sex. Theresa apparently thinks the same thing, despite not being nine years old, and no one has ever enlightened her. By the way, this woman has been running a multi-billion-dollar international corporation.

Maybe Theresa doesn’t know the days of the week?

Theresa’s first impulse was to run off and break the happy paternity news to Ethan. However, she has since changed her mind and has no plans to tell him at all. Her change of heart was brought on by an extremely clumsy plot device, whose name I can’t remember now, but it might have been “Harvey,” so let’s call him that. You see, “Harvey” is an old college friend of Ethan’s who just happened to run into Ethan, Gwen, Theresa, and Whitney in the piazza. Harvey thanked Ethan for the great advice and then walked away, and Ethan then proceeded to spill Harvey’s personal business to everyone assembled. Here is Harvey’s tragic tale: He is married to a woman named Missy, who is an old sorority sister of Gwen’s. Missy is unable to get pregnant. This placed strain on the marriage, and Harvey cheated on Missy and got another woman pregnant. The other woman now wants Harvey to leave his wife for her and be a full-time dad to his bastard son. She is threatening to cut off his visitation rights if he does not comply.

After Ethan told this story, Theresa demanded to know if Ethan had done the right thing and instructed Harvey to dump his wife, stat, in order to “be a family” with his babymama. Meanwhile, Gwen demanded to know if Ethan had done the right thing and instructed Harvey to stay with his wife, while suing that hussy of an other woman for joint custody. Of course, Ethan confirmed that he had recommended the latter course of action.

Suddenly Theresa realized what she should have realized from Minute One of this storyline: Once Ethan and Gwen know that Little Ethan is Ethan’s, they are going to try to get joint custody, at an absolute minimum. The fact that Theresa didn’t think of this until Harvey popped up just proves that she has rocks in her head. Remember, Ethan and Gwen are already raising Theresa’s daughter Jane, and in the past, Rebecca managed to get Little Ethan away from Theresa and give him to Gwen to raise temporarily. These people have a real track record of wanting to take Theresa’s kids. Wisely, she finally remembered this and decided to keep her mouth shut.

Now that that’s been decided, Theresa is turning her attention back to the part of the e-mail that said that someone from Harmony would die. Theresa and Whitney have already considered the possibility that this referred to Noah’s ex, Maya, who died a few weeks ago when she pitched over a balcony during a lightning storm/earthquake. However, Theresa doesn’t think that the e-mail was referring to Maya, because Maya was never a main cast member. I mean, because Maya had spent some time living away from Harmony, so maybe she wasn’t “from Harmony” enough to satisfy the terms of the e-mail. Whatever.

Chad sits down with Theresa and Whitney to parse the e-mail, which Theresa is now irrationally convinced is about Ethan. By the way, Whitney is permanently back to sporting her old ’80s hairstyle; her nun days are but a distant memory. I guess she and Chad are really relaxed and happy now from all the suddenly non-incestuous sex they’ve been having, but thankfully, we haven’t had to see them make out since the end of my last recap. Chad lets Theresa borrow his cell phone so that she can harass, I mean warn, Ethan that he’s possibly about to die. Cut to Ethan and Gwen getting hot and heavy in their hotel room. Ethan ignores the ringing phone, causing Theresa to conclude that he may already be dead.

The next scene takes us back to Harmony – specifically, to Harmony Hospital, where the set is getting a real workout, because there are two new patients. One, T.C. is there because he got into a drunk-driving wreck, and now Eve feels sorry for him and it’s going to end up destroying her relationship with Julian. Two, Sheridan went into premature labor, and now the baby’s fine but she’s on bed rest in the hospital.

A couple of things about Sheridan. First of all, she’s being played by another actress right now. This is temporary; I’m sure it’s because the real actress is on her real maternity leave. The temp is named Kam Heskin, and she seems familiar because she was on the short-lived NBC soap Sunset Beach, which starred Randy Spelling, among others. So far, Kam is doing a very wooden impersonation of Sheridan. She is really making the original actress look good, which I hadn’t thought was possible.

The new fake Sheridan, with Chris and his kid.

Now, the reason why Sheridan went into premature labor. This is the one storyline that I’m deeply sorry to have missed, for recapping purposes. Remember how at the end of my last recap, the lesbians had defeated Alistair’s thugs, and then Alistair and Beth had disappeared from the piazza in a puff of smoke? Well, of course Luis and Fancy chased after them, and the chase culminated in one of the funniest setups of this whole Rome trip when Alistair arranged for Luis and Fancy to be trapped in an old Roman arena with some hungry lions. There were real lions, but I think it was stock footage because I don’t think they were ever shown in the same scene with any of the characters. Beth and Marty ended up in some danger from the lions, too, but no one got eaten, dammit.

For some reason, the whole time Luis and Fancy were running from the lions, Luis had his video cell phone turned on so Sheridan could watch. This really stressed her out – understandably so, I might add. Meanwhile, her secretly evil husband Chris kept trying to get her to turn off the video phone. There was also a scene in which Luis told Sheridan that the Omega Symbol has to do with Alistair, and then we saw Chris leave the room and burn the Omega Symbol so Sheridan wouldn’t see that he had it.

Anyway, all the stress of watching Luis and Fancy and Marty almost get eaten by lions triggered Sheridan’s premature labor. Now, we’re at the hospital, and there’s a scene with a character we haven’t seen in months. Literally MONTHS. It’s Sheridan’s mother, Katherine Crane, who looks like her makeup was applied with a trowel. She asks Chris how Sheridan is doing. Enter Pilar, Luis’s stratospherically sexy mother, who walks out when she sees her arch-enemy Katherine.

Somebody fire this woman’s makeup artist.

We haven’t addressed this storyline in forever, so here’s a brief recap for the 90 percent of you who don’t actually watch this show. Pilar’s husband, Martin Fitzgerald, disappeared many years ago and left her to raise their five young children alone. Around the same time, Sheridan’s mother, Katherine, died, leaving little Sheridan and much-older Julian to be raised by their sociopathic father. A couple of years ago, we found out that not only were Katherine and Martin both alive, they were happily shacked up together in Mexico. Martin had whisked Katherine away from Harmony because she was in serious danger of being killed by Alistair, who was a big fan of both wife-beating and marital rape. Martin and Katherine had to go completely underground, including facial plastic surgery, because the consequences would be so dire if Alistair ever found out they were alive.

However, now Martin and Katherine are both back, and have been back for quite a while, and Alistair hasn’t killed either of them. Go figure. Anyway, Pilar carried a torch for Martin the whole time he was gone, and he never stopped loving her either. He never wanted to leave Pilar at all; he had to, to save Katherine’s life. Eventually, though, he did fall in love with Katherine, so now he’s torn. Earlier this year, Martin and Pilar were supposed to renew their vows, but at the last minute, Pilar found out that Martin had indulged in a little farewell roll in the hay with Katherine, so she called it off, and now there is much bitterness and tension. Or at least, I assume there is – as I said, we haven’t seen these characters in aeons.

So Martin is already married to the chick on the left, but he can’t quit cheating on her with the one on the right. REALLY?

Katherine begs Pilar not to stomp off, because it would mean so much to Sheridan if Pilar stayed at the hospital. (Pilar essentially raised Sheridan after Katherine “died.”) Pilar and her gigantic boobs snittily agree to stay. Chris tells both women that Sheridan is upset because Beth got away with Marty for the nine zillionth time.

Cut to Beth, Marty, and Alistair. According to Beth, they are currently “escaping on a steam train,” which is very fancy-looking. Alistair says that Interpol is monitoring all cars, buses, and planes, but apparently, they aren’t monitoring steam trains. He says no one would guess that the room they are in is actually a “disguised boxcar.” Huh? What’s it disguised as? Won’t it be a dead giveaway when it starts to chug down the railroad tracks? I don’t get it.

“A train disguised as a train! Ah, no one will ever suspect that. This is my best plan ever.”

Beth asks Alistair if they can bring Luis with them on their escape. She says that Luis is bound to realize eventually that he loves her and wants to be with her. Alistair says no. He smashes his cell phone so Interpol can’t “ping” it, and he wants to smash Beth’s, too, but she lies and says she doesn’t have one anymore. Alistair leaves to go check on their “connection to a former Soviet Republic.” I guess there is an Evil Travel Agency housed in another car of this invisible train. Beth talks out loud inside her head about how she’s going to get Luis back.

Luis is back at the hotel with Noah. Luis is only slightly the worse for wear from almost getting mauled to death by lions, and he’s trying to convince Noah to get back together with Fancy. Meanwhile, Fancy is talking to her idiot friend Esme, an occasionally recurring character who is very funny when she’s drunk, but gratingly annoying when she’s sober. She’s a younger knockoff of the women on Absolutely Fabulous. Esme tells Fancy not to waste her time talking to Noah, because Esme can tell that Fancy is falling in love with Luis. Also, Esme has a selfish agenda – earlier in the week, she unsuccessfully hit on Noah herself.

Patsy and Edina they ain’t.

Fancy walks up to Luis, tells him she’s falling in love with him, and starts making out with him right in front of Noah and Esme. Of course, after the commercial, this is revealed to have been Fancy’s fantasy. In real life, she agrees to have a conversation with Noah. He asks what he can do to win her back.

Ethan gets out of bed with Gwen to answer his phone. Gwen is annoyed when it turns out to be Theresa. Theresa tells Ethan to be careful because she’s afraid his life is in danger. He hustles her off the phone to go back to his wife. Theresa is crestfallen and whimpers to Whitney and Chad that Ethan is never going to leave Gwen. Chad is like, “Duh. That’s what we’ve all been telling you for the last five years, you moron.”

Can’t blame the show for capitalizing on Liza Huber’s brand-new pregnancy cleavage.

On the train, Alistair tells Beth not to do anything stupid. He’s swirling an evil-looking drink. As soon as he turns his back, Beth decides to call Luis and invite him along on the train trip. She tells Luis she’s glad he survived the lion attack, and she gets Marty to say hi to him on the phone. Beth asks Luis if he would be willing to get back together with her for Marty’s sake. He gets smart for once and tells her yes. He’s pretty clever about it, not laying it on too thick – telling her that he has a lot of misgivings about giving her another chance, but he wants Marty back, and he’s already lost Sheridan, so why not give it a shot. She eats it up.

Theresa looks like all the fight has gone out of her. Chad says that he and Whitney have to go, because they have a conference call scheduled at the Vatican. They’re going to be talking to the Mother Superior back in Harmony, explaining why Whitney won’t be taking her final vows. Wow, the Vatican is really generous with its telecommunications capacity. Theresa claims that she doesn’t mind being ditched, and she’s going to go for a walk and work on forgetting about Ethan. As soon as Theresa is alone, the psychic nun chugs up, all out of breath. She says she had a psychic vision that Theresa needs her help. Theresa asks the nun to kill her so she won’t have to live without Ethan. Wow, Theresa is a really shitty mother!

Don’t worry, Theresa! Help is on the way!

Katherine tells Chris to go home and get some sleep; she and Pilar will stay with Sheridan. Cut to Sheridan’s dream. She’s having a nightmare about Alistair and Beth. The nightmare ends with Alistair vowing to raise Marty himself, and Beth and Sheridan both screaming “No!”

Noah cuts off his relationship chat with Fancy to run a trace on Luis’s phone call from Beth. Luis keeps Beth on the line by asking her about the logistics of their reunion. How are they going to duck Alistair? Beth says she’ll take care of Alistair, but Luis says there’s no way Alistair will let them get back together, so they’ll have to shake him off and meet in a neutral location. He keeps her on the phone for a while, but finally Alistair walks in on Beth and hangs up her phone.

Theresa tells the nun that she’s exhausted from losing Ethan over and over. She recaps the recent paternity-related events for the nun’s benefit, and I find out that “Harvey” is actually named “Gary,” but I like “Harvey” better and I’m not going to change it. The nun tells Theresa that everything happens for a reason, and nothing is permanent. It kind of sounds like she’s telling Theresa that God is eventually going to bust up Ethan and Gwen’s marriage. Yup, that sounds like God, all right – always on the side of adultery. Theresa says that if God’s plan involves her suffering this much in the present, then she wants nothing to do with God.

Beth tries to convince Alistair that she didn’t lie to him about losing her cell phone – she, um, just found it right now. Alistair tells her that she is both stupid and insane to believe that Luis wants her back and was not just keeping her on the phone to trace the call. Then he says, “I could kill your mother Edna for lying to me twenty-five years ago and telling me she was on the Pill.” Wait a minute. Beth is only supposed to be twenty-five? Or maybe even twenty-four? Oh, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Just then, the train starts to move.

“I’m twenty-five? You have got to be kidding me.”

Noah tells Luis that Interpol traced the call to “a steam-powered train that’s sitting in a railyard outside of Rome.” Unfortunately, the train is already starting to move. Noah and Luis come up with a bunch of ideas, like following the train by helicopter, parachuting onto the train, and blockading the tracks. Um, wouldn’t it be really easy to have Interpol stop the train AT THE BORDER? It’s a train! It can’t dart in and out of traffic, or motor off across the high seas, or reroute its flight plan! A train is the single easiest type of transportation to TRACK. Because it runs on a TRACK. The similarity between those two words is not a coincidence. You can’t escape from the law on a train, unless the law doesn’t know which train you’re on. Luis, Noah, and Fancy leave to follow that train.

Chris arrives back at his and Sheridan’s house and answers his ringing phone. It’s Alistair, calling to tell him that it’s time for Chris to “do what [he] agreed to do.” Chris says he won’t, but Alistair says that if he doesn’t, then Chris and Sheridan will both die.

Chad and Whitney are alone together following their conference call. Whitney recaps that the Mother Superior was really nice about her leaving the convent, even though she caused so much upheaval when she was helping EvilMonk and everything. Then Whitney goes into the chapel to pray, and Chad is left alone. He makes a phone call, and this is pretty juicy. He tells the person on the other end that he is unexpectedly getting married, but she (or he?) shouldn’t worry, because it isn’t going to change anything between her (?) and Chad – nothing will stop him from continuing to spend time with her (?).

Maybe Chad has another sister that we don’t know about.

Hey, I like this. It’s about time something happened that wasn’t telegraphed from a mile away. And anything that keeps Whitney and Chad apart is okay by me – I’m sorry, but I can’t just turn on a dime like that about the whole incest thing. By the way, that reminds me. Does anybody know what the hell has happened to Miles, Chad and Whitney’s son, whom Chad has been raising as a devoted single father? They keep talking about how they can all be a family together now, but who is taking care of this kid at the moment? Let’s see – there’s Fox, who once believed he was Miles’s father – nope, he hasn’t been doing it. Or Eve and T.C. and Julian, Miles’s grandparents – no, they don’t seem to have him in their care. (Note the problem with being a child of incest: only three grandparents! Bummer.) Or his new and improved, non-incestuous grandparents, Liz and Alistair: Well, Alistair doesn’t have him. Liz seems to be off the show, but she’s evil, so I don’t think Chad would have entrusted the baby to her. What about Simone? Nope, she’s also busy in Rome. I hope little Miles knows how to use a can opener.

Theresa talks about how evil always seems to triumph over good, and how life isn’t fair. The nun tells her that God works in mysterious ways, and she should pray. Theresa says that this won’t work. In all her years, she never even gave a moment’s thought to the possibility that she might not end up with Ethan, so she has absolutely no Plan B. True that. Girl is single-minded. The nun gives some more of the same advice and then finally leaves.

Ethan and Gwen are in bed. They trade I-love-yous, but then we see that he’s fantasizing about Theresa. He says Theresa’s name, but Gwen doesn’t hear him. His fantasies go on and on. He snaps out of it and sees Gwen, and the music is all disappointed-sounding. He decides to go for a walk.

Alistair tells Chris that he already agreed to Alistair’s terms, and he had better do what must be done. Chris says that Alistair is going to get killed or captured, and he can’t make Chris do anything. Alistair replies that even if he does die himself, there are other people out there who will make sure that Chris pays if he disobeys Alistair’s orders. He hangs up. Beth snots about how it’s okay for Alistair to talk on the phone on the train, but not for her. Alistair replies that yes, he is allowed to talk on the phone, because he’s not talking to the person who is trying to catch them. Beth is like “… Oh.” Yes, tough to argue with that logic.

Beth and Alistair bicker about whether Luis actually wants to be with Beth, or whether he’s just trying to find her and Alistair. Alistair decisively wins the argument when they see and hear the helicopter tracking them outside the window.

Katherine gossips to Pilar that Rebecca is finally going to divorce Julian so he can marry Eve. Pilar wants to know if that’s a not-so-subtle hint that she should divorce Martin so he can marry Katherine. Y’all, why is it always so hard for people on TV to get a divorce? In real life, it doesn’t seem to require quite so much mutual consent. Yes, I know there’s a possible Catholic-remarriage angle, but that doesn’t seem like enough to explain the many, many refusals of divorce that happen on soaps. Anyway, Katherine says that she wasn’t hinting at anything; she was just trying to make small talk. Pilar says that she wishes Katherine would just drop dead, but if she won’t, the least she can do is be quiet.

Sheridan has another nightmare about Beth, Marty, and Alistair. This one is creepy – it culminates with Alistair about to brand Marty with the Omega Symbol. Sheridan starts having a seizure.

How very Rosemary’s Baby.

Chris talks to himself. He says he rues the day that Alistair first darkened his door – since then, Chris’s and Sheridan’s lives have both been torture. Chris wishes Alistair would burn in hell, but in the meantime, he’s going to have to settle for burning all of the documents linking him to Alistair. He starts putting the documents in the fire, but he doesn’t notice that one of them falls under a piece of furniture and doesn’t get burned. Of course, all of the documents have the Omega Symbol prominently displayed in the corner. Because if you have an evil, secret, illegal organization, you should always make sure that your logo is on absolutely everything.

Branding is very important to the success of any enterprise.

Alistair tells Beth that it’s all her fault they’ve been found, and that Luis only wants Marty and Sheridan, not her. She pouts. Hey, why can’t Alistair just set off another smoke bomb and disappear? He’s already done that at least twice before. Some sort of alarm goes off, which tells Alistair that the train is being targeted by missiles. We see a very cheap-looking shot of a small plane in the sky and then a “Target Acquired” light on an instrument panel. Cut to the helicopter, where Luis confirms that the plane and its missiles were not planned or requested by him or by Interpol.

Da plane! Da plane!

Alistair points out, quite correctly, that Luis would never order a missile attack on the train, because it might kill Marty. So who’s behind it? Everybody is nervous.

Whitney prays, alone in the chapel. She thanks God for letting her and Chad get back together. God is like, “Yeah, you guys are still gross.” Chad is still out in the hall conniving on his phone. “My having a wife isn’t going to stop us from getting together,” he says. Unfortunately, I’m sure this whole thing is a red herring. Here’s my prediction: Chad is a secret agent of some kind, and right now, he’s on the phone with his boss, letting him know that he’s getting married, but it’s not going to impact his ability to do his secret-agent job. Sure, Chad is flirting heavily with the person on the other end of the phone call, but the show is relying on the fact that by the time the big reveal comes (possibly years from now), we will have forgotten about that. Notice that he doesn’t actually say “I love you” or anything like that. Lame, but again, a bit of a surprise, so I endorse it.

Uh-oh. After the old nun leaves Theresa alone in the piazza, Theresa starts talking to herself. She says that she can’t tell Ethan that Little Ethan is his son, and just then, Ethan walks up behind her. D’oh! Yeah, kind of a dumb idea to talk to yourself in public about your deep, dark secrets. You’d think this would have negative consequences a lot more often than it does.

Ha ha. Chris is still burning documents and talking to himself, and the camera pans down to show the un-burned document lying on the floor. This scene just repeats what already happened, but it is funny because the camera passes by some sort of decorative urn with the word “CHICKPEA” painted on it. The music is all dramatic and it makes it seem like “CHICKPEA” is some significant code word or something.

A doctor checks on Sheridan, who wakes up just as Alistair aims the brand right at Marty in her dream. She sits bolt upright and says that Marty is about to die. The doctor tries to calm her down.

The small plane closes in on the train and prepares to fire its missile. Luis yells, “Maaaaartyyyyy!!!!” (Is this an intentional homage to Michael on Lost constantly yelling “Waaaaaalt!!!!”?) In the cheesiest special-effect shot ever, the plane launches the missile. Alistair chuckles about the idea of dying this way, as Beth looks at Marty with concern. The train blows up. We end on Luis’s anguished face, as he watches Marty die in an explosion for the second time in what, in Passions time, must only be a few days. Who here thinks that Luis will remember that the last time this happened, Marty was quickly revealed as not dead? Not me.

The launch.


Da train! Da train!


BOOM!


Oh, jeez, not again.

I know what you’re all thinking right now: BUT WHAT ABOUT THE MERMAID? Well, she didn’t appear on Friday, and to be honest, that storyline is pretty much stalled. When we left off, Siren was singing her “siren song” to draw Fox into her bed and subject him to the Mermaid’s Curse. Endora, who loves Fox, stopped Siren by issuing forth some purple lightning bolts that burned Tabitha’s house down. (If you saw B-Side’s last Passions Clipgasm, that’s what was going on there.)

Everyone got out of the house safely, and then they all went next door to live at Sam and Ivy’s. Kay still thinks she’s engaged to Miguel – a result of her brains having been scrambled by the electrically unsafe washing machine. Everyone is still operating under Dr. Eve’s orders not to tell Kay the truth, lest it startle her and somehow kill her. So Kay keeps trying to make out with Miguel, and he keeps going along with it, and Fox and Siren keep being really mad about it, but not really doing anything.

Meanwhile, Tabitha was concerned that when the fire marshal came to look at the ruins of her house, he would find evidence of witchcraft in the rubble of the basement. She tried to cook up a spell to prevent this, and this led to some wacky kitchen run-ins with Ivy. In the end, Endora conjured a swarm of cartoon “worker bees,” which went next door and rebuilt the house. Everyone was really confused by that, until Endora conjured a generic workman to appear and announce that he had just finished rebuilding the house. So the house is back to normal, but Kay still isn’t.

Previews: Chad again says on the phone that no one, especially Whitney, is going to find out about him and the person on the phone. Luis, in the helicopter, says that this is the end of everything. Theresa tearfully tells Ethan that she has to tell him something, so I guess he didn’t quite overhear what she said, yet. See you next week!