Shot Through The Heart

Let’s check in with Passions, shall we? It’s been approximately thirty years since my last recap, but I think you’ll find that doings are fairly slow in Harmony. Don’t worry, though – there’s still plenty to mock. We’ll start out with this past Friday’s episode, as usual.

The show opens with Ethan having a steamy dream about Theresa. Ethan’s shoulders are so grotesquely muscled that his head is practically microscopic. You know, there’s been an awful lot of attention paid to steroids in sports. Has anyone ever inquired into steroid use by daytime soap actors? I’m just saying. Ethan wakes up and awkwardly tries not to tell Gwen what’s got him so hot and bothered, but she figures it out pretty fast. For the last few days, Gwen has repeatedly called Ethan out on his continuing obsession with Theresa, which has become even more conspicuous now that Theresa appears to be over it. In fact, Gwen went so far as to threaten divorce if Ethan didn’t make up his mind. Ethan keeps saying he’s committed to Gwen.

Behold the amazing Pinhead!

Gwen’s (the actress’s) pregnancy bump is tastefully covered by a sheet, while the show continues to capitalize on her newfound cleavage. She presses Ethan some more on his feelings for Theresa, and he defends himself by pointing out that he has just agreed to represent Julian in a custody suit against Theresa over Little Ethan. Yes, he has, and this is really a dick move, if you ask me. I mean, Ethan and Theresa are supposed to be friends, and no one knows better than Ethan what a terrible father Julian is. Yet for some reason, Ethan has agreed to take this custody case on principle. Contrivance much?

The convenient storyline effect is that Theresa is between a rock and a hard place when it comes to Little Ethan’s paternity. She can neutralize Julian’s custody suit by revealing he isn’t the father, but Ethan’s sudden hard-line fathers’-rights stance just keeps on reminding Theresa that she might be worse off with Ethan revealed as the true dad. Of course, Ethan’s new position makes no sense, because if he were so darn concerned about the rights of biological parents, he wouldn’t have let Gwen take Jane away from Theresa.

Cut to Theresa, in her business suit talking on the phone in her office. She tells someone that she wants hourly updates on her mother’s condition. Yeah, actually, something did happen on this show recently: Spike blackmailed Chris into helping him get past security into the Crane Mansion so he could break in and steal a bunch of stuff. Pilar surprised him in the act, and he shot her. For a brief moment everyone thought she was dead, but she’s not; she’s in the hospital and conscious. She doesn’t seem to know who shot her, though.

What is this woman’s job again? Magician’s assistant?

Spike has also blackmailed Chris into giving him an alibi – he has to say that he saw him at the fair, which is where everybody in Harmony was while the break-in was happening. Oh, and we found out that not only is Chris a sleaze who was hired by Alistair to pretend to be in love with Sheridan (which we basically already knew), but also, James isn’t Chris’s real son. He’s a random orphan. I guess the idea is that Chris pretended to be James’s dad to get in good with Sheridan, and if Spike reveals this, Chris will lose Sheridan FOR-EVAH. Which he doesn’t want to have happen, because he’s in love with her now for real.

Jared walks into Theresa’s office. He knows that she’s “Mrs. Crane” now. He was really furious when he first found out, but she rehabilitated her image with the one-two punch of (1) voluntarily taking pies in the face at the fair to show how “down-to-earth” she is, and (2) conveniently having her mother get shot and almost die, thereby garnering a huge sympathy vote. So Jared and Theresa are happily dating now, although he’s told her that he doesn’t think he can ever get serious with anyone so fabulously wealthy. Right now, she’s trying to get him to come and work for her as an “executive.” Jared weasels around about how he doesn’t want her to hire him just because they’re dating, but she blah-blahs about how he’s eminently qualified. Yeah, this sounds like it should be great for their budding relationship.

Elsewhere, Chris and Sheridan are in bed. Now, not only do we still have FauxSheridan filling in while RealSheridan is on maternity leave; for some reason, we also have a temporary FauxChris. I am ashamed to say that I probably wouldn’t even have noticed if the voiceover hadn’t told me. FauxChris has an English accent, just like RealChris, and he’s a totally blah character apart from that, so this is a non-event as far as I’m concerned. In other news, I’ve decided I like FauxSheridan better than RealSheridan. I have never liked Sheridan at all – I’ve always thought she was a whiner and a huge sap with her stupid psychic visions, and I’ve never understood what was supposed to be so awesome about her. At least this new Sheridan is kind of winsome and adorable and earnest.

Who are these people? What show am I watching?

Apparently, FauxChris and FauxSheridan have just finished doing it. Er, didn’t she just have a painful miscarriage a few days ago, the same day she found out that her young son had just been killed in an explosion? Okay, none of my business. Sheridan muses about the various shootings – Chris getting shot in the leg outside their house by an “unknown assailant,” and then Pilar getting shot during this break-in at the mansion a few days later. Sheridan says that Luis won’t rest until he nails the shooter, along with any and all accomplices, hint hint. Chris looks just a wee bit uncomfortable. Sheridan goes on about how glad she is that she can trust Chris with her life and he will never hurt or disappoint her.

Cut to the police station. Remember how in my last recap, I thought that Paloma was going to leave the show to move to Mexico with that nerd who proposed to her? Well, it turns out I was wrong. Instead, Paloma and Fancy both applied to be police officers. Yup, you heard me. They are now both “cadets,” under Luis’s sometimes prickly tutelage. Right now, Fancy is talking to Sam and looking very fetching in her new cop uniform. Fancy asks about her mom, who just happens to be Sam’s live-in floozy. He says that Ivy was shaken by the news of Pilar’s shooting, but is doing better now. Guess there’s no budget for Ivy to actually appear this week. Luis comes in and dramatically announces that when he finds out who shot his mother, he’s going to go all vigilante on their ass.

Officer Fancy will beat your ASS.

By the way, Paloma has inexplicably vanished. Since my last recap, she was around for some wacky police-training hijinks with Luis, Fancy, and the other (nameless) cadets. Then she turned up again last week when Jessica almost got raped outside the Lobster Shack; Paloma and Simone saved her sorry ass, as usual. But since then – no sign of Paloma. This is just a teeny bit weird when you consider that her mother just got shot, and there was this huge effort to gather the whole family around her at the hospital. Everyone was all – “Where’s Theresa? Where’s Luis? Where’s Miguel?” Neither Paloma nor daddy Martin even got a mention. I guess this is where those budget cuts come in. They’re not getting rid of anyone; they just have days when certain characters magically don’t exist.

Sheridan and Chris are out having breakfast and talking about this stupid Latin dance competition that occurred at the fair. Because small-town New England fairs always have Latin dance competitions. You see, Luis and Sheridan did a steamy tango, but then Fancy got Luis to teach her how to do it. This really burned Sheridan up, because she now knows that Fancy is after Luis. A few days ago, Fancy actually approached Sheridan and asked her for permission to date Luis. Of course, Sheridan had to say that it was fine with her, but it totally isn’t. Now Chris is rubbing salt in the wounds by talking to Sheridan about how totally perfect Luis and Fancy looked when they were dancing together. I think Chris is supposed to be clueless about how much Sheridan does not like this.

Sheridan changes the subject and says that she wants to get a job. Specifically, she wants to take over Fancy’s job as a fashion designer at Crane. She claims to be qualified based on the fact that she used to be on a bunch of best-dressed lists. Man, they really should have dressed her better for this conversation. Instead, she’s wearing an ugly floral slip-dress with ugly aqua lace trim and a matching short-sleeved sparkly shrug. Chris is enthusiastic about the career plan.

Is this one of Sheridan’s own designs? Sign me up!

Just then, Spike walks into the café. He overhears Chris gushing about how happy James is with Sheridan as his stepmom. Spike mutters to himself about how James is not even really Chris’s kid. Chris says that he also wants to get a job in his old field, which is apparently accounting. Sheridan asks if he’s even allowed to work in accounting, after his past in the mob and the Witness Protection Program. Ha! He says he is allowed, as long as he behaves himself. Wow, what stringent probation conditions. Sheridan says she will get him an accounting job at Crane.

Back at the police station, Sam reminds Luis that he is not allowed to play vigilante and he shouldn’t even be talking like that. Luis begs not to be taken off the case. Sam says he understands about wishing you could take the law into your own hands, what with everything Spike has done to Jessica, drugging her and turning her into a hooker and all. Luis says that Spike remains his prime suspect in Pilar’s shooting, despite the alibi Chris gave him. Then there is a lame turn of events where it turns out that Fancy wrote Luis’s police report for him. Wow, that seems really unethical on top of everything else.

Theresa gives Jared the details of the job offer. Apparently Jared has both his J.D. and his M.B.A. Wow, that’s surprising, for someone who is so prejudiced against rich people. Jared asks for even more money. Again – not understanding how this reconciles with his much-pronounced hatred of all things wealth-related, not to mention his professed hatred of female bosses. Just as Jared is about to sign the contract, he finds out that Theresa previously offered this same job to Ethan. This makes him feel all squicky and he wants to know if she’s trying to make him into her own personal Ethan Two. She promises that she isn’t. He decides to believe her and she immediately gives him his first work assignment.

Let me show you my briefs, baby.

Speaking of Ethan, he’s just shown up at Pilar’s bedside in the hospital. She’s unconscious at first, but she comes out of it when she hears Ethan’s voice. She wants to talk to him about her new evil agenda. You see, for years and years, Pilar was constantly lecturing Theresa to respect Ethan and Gwen’s marriage. But a couple of weeks ago, she totally changed her tune and now she wants Theresa to bust that marriage into teeny little pieces.

Why the change, you ask? Well, it has to do with the fact that Pilar was faithful to her missing husband Martin for 30-plus years, yet he still ditched her for Katherine Crane. But wait, you say. Wouldn’t this make Pilar even MORE hung up on the sanctity of marriage, instead of moving her into the PRO-divorce camp? You’d think so, but instead she seems to have fixated on the concept that everyone should stay with the mother/father of their children. No word on what you’re supposed to do if you have kids by more than one person. Anyway, Pilar tells Ethan that he should leave Gwen so that he can be with Theresa, Little Ethan, and Jane. (Earlier in the week, she told Miguel that he should be with Kay and Maria. At least she’s consistent.)

Sheridan is all excited about the idea of her and Chris both working at Crane, but Chris doesn’t like the idea of working for his wife’s family. Sheridan thinks this is just great because it proves that Chris doesn’t care about her family’s money. Suddenly Gwen shows up and joins them at their table. The actress’s pregnancy is totally visible. The show has got to be pissed that their efforts to hide it are failing this early on. It’s because she’s such a tiny person generally. Just then, Chris gets a text message from Spike telling him to meet him “behind the bookshelves.” Yeah, nobody will ever notice that. Chris walks away, and Gwen vents to Sheridan about Ethan’s fixation on Theresa.

So, when are you due? I mean, uh….

Ethan is a bit startled by Pilar’s sudden instruction that he should leave his wife. He’s even more startled when she goes on to tell him that Little Ethan is his son. But then she covers and says that she just meant that Ethan is like a father to L.E. Pilar starts to get really agitated and wheezy, which freaks Ethan out. She easily extracts a promise that Ethan will think about what she’s said. Ethan leaves and then Pilar prays to be forgiven for her marriage-busting activities.

Luis yells at Fancy for writing his report for him. She says she did it because she knew he was busy with his mother’s injury. Luis points out that this is a document that has to be usable in court and therefore must be accurate, and, oh yeah, she’s never written one before. Then for some completely retarded reason, Sam defends Fancy by saying that the report was well-written. Yes, but it had the WRONG NAME ON IT and was written by a person who didn’t conduct the investigation she is describing. What do you think a defense attorney would do with that, Mr. Chief of Police? Even Lionel Hutz would have a field day with this one.

There is some sexually charged banter. Fancy leaves and Sam ribs Luis about the sparks that are a-flyin’. They start to discuss the case, and Luis confides his theory that Chris is not necessarily to be trusted. Sam doesn’t think that Luis’s “vibe” that Chris is a bad guy is sufficient evidence. He thinks it just might have something to do with the fact that Chris is married to Sheridan. Then Sam thanks Luis for his part in rescuing Jessica at the Lobster Shack the other day. Fancy overhears Luis complimenting her own performance, but then she also hears him say that he’s not sure she’s tough enough to make the sacrifices required to be a cop. He also says that he’s not sure a cop can ever have a healthy relationship. Fancy talks out loud inside her head about how she’s going to prove him wrong.

Theresa is on speakerphone trying to convince some guy to merge his company with Crane. Jared totally interrupts and seals the deal with some really lame statistics. Theresa is smitten. After the call ends, she gives Jared a little hug and kiss. Oh, this is so professional. Then they start flat making out and of course Ethan walks in. They don’t see him and he leaves, looking all sad-puppy. Soon Jared leaves too, and Theresa proceeds to leave Whitney a voicemail about how awesome Jared is. Ethan once again overhears this and slinks away without telling Theresa he is there.

My job is nowhere near this much fun.

Behind the bookshelves, Chris tells Spike to leave him alone. He’s really pissed that Spike shot Pilar. Spike issues some vague threats and tells Chris that their “partnership is just getting started.” He goes on to order Chris to take the accounting job at Crane Industries so that he can embezzle millions for Spike. Chris freaks out when he finds out that Spike knows about “Chicago.” This mysterious Chicago threat convinces Chris to cave in to all of Spike’s demands. Meanwhile, Sheridan wanders around looking for Chris and can’t find him despite the fact that he’s standing behind some wide-open bookshelves in a one-room coffee shop.

We’re invisible!

Fancy walks up to Luis while he’s reading the ballistics report from his mother’s shooting. Turns out that the bullet that hit Pilar matches one from a past shooting at a nightclub owned by Spike. It also matches the bullet that hit Chris in the leg. Luis’s suspicions of both Spike and Chris are growing.

That’s it for Friday’s show. Other storylines that are going on: Julian has pretty much completed the process of turning evil again, because he’s so bitter over the fact that Eve is spending all of her time with poor stroked-out T.C. Chad is still lying to Whitney about something unexplained. And over in Mermaidland, Fox is still under the Mermaid’s Curse and can’t have sex with anyone but Siren, and Siren is still hoping to score a twofer by getting her clutches into Miguel too. Kay and Tabitha are openly battling against Siren, and I guess Kay is about to try a new spell, which is pictured at the very top of this recap. (Yeah, I cheated by using that picture – but it was too good to resist.)

Previews: Ethan continues to look agonized over Theresa’s infatuation with Jared. Fancy looks on as Luis attacks Spike in some sort of seedy garage. And, well, the last scene is the one I just mentioned with Kay working her new spell, and here’s the rest of it:

Words can’t do it justice.